There comes a day when the reality of
the fallen world we live in smacks you right in the face. Today's appointment was the hardest day of my
life, up to this point. Harder than when
we received the original MRI results, harder than the day Amanda had brain
surgery, harder than when we walked into the Cancer Center before receiving an
official diagnosis, harder than the last 16 months....
As we sat in the conference room
reviewing the scans with Dr. George and Dr. Harrod, they took the time to
gently explain where we are at. With
care and concern they told us that the tumor has returned and at this point, as
we stand at the end of the the completion of her radiation and chemotherapy
treatment, we have given it our best shot at defeating her cancer. There is no more radiation that we can do, and
we gave her the strongest chemotherapy treatment possible.
How do you process that
information? How can you possibly tell
your children that we are losing the battle with cancer and there is nothing we
can do about it? All day today, my mind
has been asking for God to give me strength and courage as we walk forward with
this news.
Amanda's labs today were, as we
anticipated, low - her platelets were very low, but her white blood cell count
and her ANC level are good. So the parts
of her body that fights infection are good, but with the low platelet count, we
postponed any other medication at this point.
We will go back in two weeks for another round of labs and after time to
think and process this news, we will again visit with our team about any other
possible options we have.
I always tend to lean toward
hopeful. From day one I have. I have prayed for a miracle. Knowing what we were up against, her beating
this cancer would be nothing less than a miracle. Even while knowing there are other chemotherapy
medications for us to consider, if I understood correctly, these other
medicines will only slow, possibly stall, the growth of the tumor, but they
will not cure it.
There is no way to fully accept this
news without it simply taking your breath away with the pain of it all. As I type this, with tears flowing down my
cheeks, I still trust God in this plan.
He is still good and I will still fall into His grace and love to carry
me through this time ahead.
As a mother, I ask you to please pray
for our two precious children as they do their best to understand what all this
means. Pray for Tom and I as we answer
all of their questions, even the hard ones, as honestly and gently as possible.
You have stood by us so long and
supported us in such amazing ways, I don't have words to express our
gratitude. God has been merciful to our
family and the last fifteen months have been amazing. I pray that as we step into this new unknown,
that perhaps the doctors can once again be surprised by how this tumor responds
and that we can have more time together than anyone ever dreamed possible.
The time in between posts may be longer
as we circle our wagons and focus on each other. I will update if there is a major change or
even if I get a whim to sit down and share.
If you have been around since last summer, you know that I have tried
not posting before and was not very good at staying away! Otherwise, look for updates as we approach
our next appointment in two weeks.
Our God can do anything. Right now, my prayer is that He will give us
the peace and comfort we so desperately need.
Romans 8:26-27
"In the same way, the Spirit helps
us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit
Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our
hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s
people in accordance with the will of God."
As I was finishing up this post - I
heard whistling coming from a bedroom. Thinking it was Brandon, I looked
over to him, but he quickly said it wasn't him....he often is the one who
whistles and gets asked to stop. Tonight, it was Amanda.
And she was whistling "Leaning On
the Everlasting Arms."
1.
What a fellowship,
what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
o
Refrain:
Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.
2.
Oh, how sweet to walk
in this pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
3.
What have I to dread,
what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
No words. Just tears. Holding you all close and in my prayers.
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ReplyDeleteOur love and prayers to you and your family how terribly hard this must be !
ReplyDeleteWe will be praying for Amanda and you entire family.
ReplyDeleteOur hearts are lifting up sweet Amanda and your family.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you personally Amanda but I will pray and annoy God to no end until he answers my prayer for you to be healed. He will know how special you are not only to your family and friends but to those that watch from a far. I urge everyone to not only pray for Amanda when we remember her in our bed time prayers but like a child who keeps asking their daddy for that piece of candy or toy over and over and over again until he finally gives in to his child's request. Let us be that child and request that our precious toy be given to us. Amen.
ReplyDeleteI HAVE NO WORDS ,JUST PRAYERS FOR THIS FAMILY,,AMEN
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say. I feel angry that this is happening again, and then I feel silly about that because your post shows such effort to remain positive and hopeful. Tom helped save my sister after an auto accident. I wish every person who was given that miracle could return the favor to your family. So, I'll focus on that. I am sending positive ENERGY, and HOPE, and STRENGTH, and WARMTH to your sweet girl, and your family. Just as I know that Tom thought about my sister's condition after he brought her to the hospital, I will carry your family with me.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is broken, I will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is heavy for your family . I continue my prayers for comfort and wisdom, bev friend of deanna parker
ReplyDeleteDear Lord cover this family with your Grace.
ReplyDeleteHeal Amanda and obliterate this cancer, amen.
I could not get through your post without tears, my prayers are with Amanda, your family and the team of doctors who are taking care of her. I pray for peace and comfort for you all. God Bless ~ Audrey (Standridge) Chambers
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. Having lost our own daughter I understand all too well the grief of losing someone so precious. The gift you are given is the gift of TODAY. Make each one a special memory and never give up. You never know what God may have in store for your family. What helped me during our own grief was Romans 8:28, " And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." You have each been called by God. He holds your precious family in His almighty hands. There is power and strength in that.
ReplyDeleteLove you, girl. We'll keep you guys in our prayers...
ReplyDeleteSandy, I admire SOOOO much your prayer for strength and comfort in facing God's will for Amanda. I'm with you, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear the news, my heart goes out to Amanda and your family. I will be praying for ya'll.
ReplyDeleteYes, the reality of this fallen world indeed. It's nausiating strength can be overwhelming. Inexplicably, however, Amanda seems to whistle about the all-exceeding power of our God of creation and comfort. Humbling indeed. Life in perspective. I cannot imagine the struggles but I pray that Christ's peace will reign amidst all the noise. We will continue to pray for God's mighty intervention and time for your precious children simply to be kids.
ReplyDeleteBecause I too lost a precious child, I want so badly to take this hurt and pain away from you and replace it with only joy and smiles and love. Your strength is amazing and that of all your family. You have been such a precious example of "faith under fire." Life is like the underside of a quilt, not very pretty, often tattered, but oh when turned over and the finished product shown it is an item of beauty, warmth, and love. Hang onto every minute, every day as a precious memory, always in the understanding that only God can complete this quilt, this thing of warmth and beauty. Justin's favorite Bible verse was Isaiah 40:31 (paraphrasing) For they that wait upon the Lord shall not be weary, they shall mount up with wings as eagles. Oh how he loved that image. I will continue to pray for Amanda and all of you everyday. Continue to Lean on the Everlasting Arms.
ReplyDeleteAll my love, Deb
Bless your family. Leaning is my favorite hym and its all we can do. I will continue praying for you all.
ReplyDelete"As I type this, with tears flowing down my cheeks, I still trust God in this plan. He is still good and I will still fall into His grace and love to carry me through this time ahead."
ReplyDeleteWhat a true testament of your faith and trust in God! With tears streaming down my face I've read your story and can relate in so many ways, as my Dad was diagnosed with GBM (Stage 4 Brain Cancer) in October. Sending prayers your way.
Praying for all of you...
ReplyDeleteHave you turned to naturopathic help? I know many overcomers who followed the Gerson Therapy. Many tumors are fueled by casein - a protein found in dairy - immediately, I would begin to feed my daughter juices and no animal protein at all. While doing so, check into the Gerson Miracle; Also check out Dr. Fuhrman's book Eat to Live - read Dr. Colin T. Campbell's The China Study. I am praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteAs I read your post we lost a dear friend to cancer. I pray that GOD will keep his loving protective arms around you and your family. God is in control and we never know what he has in store for his children. Will keep you in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for your family. So sorry for what you are going through. May God give you strength and courage to carry on. God Bless your family.
ReplyDeleteI don't know Amanda personally, but my daughter does. We will lift your family up in prayer. Miracles happen and we pray that one will happen for you. May God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteYou remain in the constant prayers of our family as we also mourn this news alongside you. Know that you and your precious Amanda are dearly loved and in the constant prayers of your extended family. Hayden Johnson
ReplyDeleteKeeping your daughter, you, and the rest of your family in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeletePraying for you all. Sandy you and Tom are wonderful parents and I just pray that God puts his arms around you all and see you this. Love you
ReplyDeleteGrandma Rosie
Love and prayers for your Amanda and family. May Gods blessings rain down upon your family and hear and answer our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI so much admire your walk with the Lord in the midst of this battle. A verse that my husband and I have claimed as we walk our cancer journey is found in I Peter 5:10..."And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast". Amanda and your family continue to be in our prayers.
ReplyDeletePraying for precious Amanda and your family.
ReplyDeleteSandy, we continue to pray for all of you. We too are praying for a miracle.
ReplyDeleteDon't lose heart, He is so good! I hope and pray you watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQXYXY5GCi4, also visit burzynskiclinic.com
ReplyDeleteBless y'all's hearts.
I cannot imagine the pain and anger you must be feeling. Your post is so heartfelt and full of grace. Your family and amanda are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteAs I have read all your posts, my heart has broken for you all. I know, as you do, none of this has happened without going by God's reviewing stand. His ways are higher than ours and His thoughts higher than ours. I'm grateful you are still able to see God's footprint but, even though you are able to see those footprints, it doesn't mean we understand everything that happens. I'm praying that God will continue to give you grace and peace as you walk through this valley. Will be praying God's best for you and yours! <3 Judy Franks Taylor
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