When I started this on Saturday, it was after an emotional Thanksgiving day with my family. There were many tears shed, but throughout the day, we all tried to focus on being thankful for the time we had with Amanda. Since the day was emotionally draining, I sat down to write a post to help work through the emotions.
We were surprised with this special framed gift from my family. Each person contributed words that they thought of when they thought of Amanda. Some words I know exactly who said them! It was a great gift and reminder that Amanda is always in our hearts.
Then, Sunday morning at church, I was approached by one of the ladies that attended the Christmas event we held earlier at Crestview this month where I had the opportunity to share my testimony. She brought a friend with her and wanted me to know that because of my testimony, conversations about faith began with her friend who was suffering from terminal cancer. I will spend every breath sharing our story if one person hears the gospel and comes to a saving knowledge and relationship with Jesus Christ. That is what this life is all about, living each day for the glory of God. I am heartbroken, worn down by the heaviness of life, saddened by events and uncontrollable situations - but I hold tight to my joy and peace because I serve a God that holds me in his hands, knows every tear I have shed, feels my hurt and pain but thankfully still provides hope and assurance of eternity in Heaven. That night, I went to bed after a day at church filled with tears, praise and renewed gratefulness.
So my post will continue as regularly scheduled; written after an emotional and thank-filled day on Saturday........
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I realize these are all hypothetical, but will change or goodbyes ever get easier? Does bad news ever not take your breath away? Are you ever able to absorb grief in such a way that it does not feel like you are suffocating or that an invisible heavy cloak is covering you?
33 months after our lives were turned upside down by cancer, I have to answer all those questions as no. As I shared in my last post, these past few weeks have been hard. Cancer is all around me and it feels like every week for the past month I have learned of a new diagnosis of cancer of someone close to me. I realize that medically speaking, there are many cases where remission is quick and years are lived with no sign of the disease returning. However, as you can imagine, cancer is hard for me - no matter what the diagnosis, prognosis or stage. Even though I chose to be open and honest throughout Amanda's treatment no matter how vulnerable or painful life was - I appreciate the fact that my friends have not sheltered me from their diagnosis, but instead they have been honest with me. There are so many ways that God has shown me how our journey can be used to help others. Whether that is coming alongside those experiencing grief or suffering a loss or being a support for those who are dealing with health issues, God can open many doors for us to minister to others. However, it does not come without it's pain and emotional drain, but I feel it is simply part of who I am now, and any measure of comfort or support I can offer is worth it.
This past Friday night we were at the movies. While we were waiting to go in, we received the news that Grampy's farm sold and it was our last weekend to hunt there. More details on that below, but I must admit, my chest hurt with the pain of that news. As we went in and watched the movie, it was a packed house with a lot of preteen girls in the audience. Their claps, "awwws" and cheers during the movie made Brandon think they were just a little over-dramatic, which hit a nerve with me. He should be living through those girl pre-teen years and dealing with all the emotions that come with having a sister in the house. So that brought on the tears. It was a rough start to a holiday week where we focus on thankfulness. I must admit that sometimes, my heart is hurting, the panic hits and it is hard to be thankful at that exact moment. Instead, I just want to let the pain settle awhile before fighting it off.....
A little more on the sad news of Grampy's farm selling. While that is sad news for us, it is good news for the family. Grammy died in 2006, and Grampy died in 2013. We are extremely grateful for the love and wonderful relationship we have had with the Henderson family over these past almost thirty
years. Tom and I both have so memories there that span our lifetimes. The Watsons and Hendersons had been neighbors since the late 70's. Thomas and I met at Grampy's the summer of our fifth grade year. (I had a huge crush on him) Lonnie and Ruth (Grampy and Grammy) started attending Lawler shortly after my dad began preaching there 30 years ago. When Brandon and Amanda were young, Thomas and I lived next door to them for a few years. So as you can see, we have always had a close relationship with Grammy and Grampy. They were grandparents to both us and to our kids. Brandon and Amanda loved to go on adventures and explore every inch of that place. While Brandon would hunt, Amanda loved to clean house and explore inside.
Brandon and Amanda have hunted there since they could pick up a gun - mostly Brandon, but Amanda shot a few deer herself over the years. As far as a hunting location, it's really all Brandon has known. As I look back over the years there and remember the countless nights staying over and cooking a big breakfast (Amanda and I would sleep in the same bed that I slept in as a kid), holidays celebrated there, dinners shared (Grampy loved Papa Murphy's pizza), fish caught, deer hunted and doves shot at the Henderson farm, I am grateful. They have loved and allowed us to be family and we will always remember our times there with great fondness, yet with bittersweet memories. It's hard to imagine life without going to Grampy's.
I am going to do my best to focus on how thankful we are for the time we had.....and have a grateful heart for everything that the Henderson family and the farm has been to our family.
During this week of Thanksgiving, even though it will be hard and I am already feeling battered, I am thankful for Amanda, her sweet life that we were blessed with. I am thankful for Thomas and Brandon who love me and are beside me in the crazy life we live. I have so many things to be thankful for, even the grief.
Grief is a sign of love, and we loved her so very much.
Walking down memory lane...
I started taking our family pictures when the kids were younger, and the pictures below were all done at Grampy's.
Doing a little fishing!
I don't know why, but this is one of my favorite pictures of Amanda at Grampy's. I remember this day as clear as if it was yesterday. She was feeding the birds and the deer in the driveway outside the kitchen window.
This is my favorite picture of Brandon. My country boy just soaking it all in before we head home....
Early morning hunts - the boys in the deer stand and Amanda slept in the recliner.
Her face expression in this picture, she loved her Grampy. Below is during church, she liked to compare their hands. Grampy had huge hands.
Believe it or not, I'm sure there will before pictures to come...these were just the handy ones!!
Psalm 100:3-4
Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
