All Roads Lead to Home

In case you haven't already heard, Thomas, Brandon and I have moved back into our house in Georgetown, Brandon is back at Grace Academy, and we continue to worship at Crestview Baptist Church.  We are happy to be home!

If you were not aware of this news it might have given you a case of whiplash.  The dynamics are complicated, layered, long and honestly - a little on the painful side as well.  It has been a summer of stress, exhaustion and important life lessons learned by all three of us - most importantly me. 

Despite the fact that we are home in the very locations I was looking to move from, this is still a new chapter for me in every way possible. This will be a fresh start as we continue to heal and move forward, cherishing each day with each other.

My journey and experience through writing has been an honor and I will cherish our Team Watson blog as it has recorded God's goodness in our family's lives, but as part of my fresh start, I want to share that I am stepping away from writing in this capacity to focus on healing during this new season and most importantly to focus on and to fully enjoy my family.

Thank you for joining us as we shared our hearts with you during Amanda's fight with cancer.  Thank you for loving us and walking beside us as we traveled through the valley.  Thank you for joining us in prayer and praise to our sovereign God whom we have trusted and continue to trust even when we don't understand.  And thank you for loving and supporting Amanda who glorified her God in spite of the circumstances she faced.  

See ya' later alligator!

Lamentations 3:21-24
But this I call to mind, therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will trust in him. 

Two years ago today...

Two years. Two years ago our

sweet girl spent her last day on this earth and stepped into eternity, our lives forever changed. 

It was a day of tears, smiles, heartbreak and joy in to a roller coaster of emotions. Thank you for the prayers, words of encouragement and support on this day. 

For me, this day will always serve as a reminder of where my hope lies in spite of the pain and heartache of this world. 

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

#neverforgotten #alwaysfour

Big Changes for Team Watson

I placed the sand as the boundary for the sea, a perpetual barrier that it cannot pass; though the waves toss, they cannot prevail; though they roar, they cannot pass over it. Jeremiah 5:22

This weekend we spent a few days at the beach with dear friends and it was a wonderful getaway.  As I sat in the sand and watched the waves roll in, the beauty and awesome power of the sea was not lost on me. Talk about feeling small!  The scriptures above paint a beautiful word picture of the sovereignty of God.

I know that many of my friends have been worried about me this summer. Let me first and foremost say I am okay.  Yes, I have pulled in to my family and primarily focused on the three of us. I have a good reason for that change and is has been extremely necessary.  We have been talking about, wrestling with, meditating and praying over a decision that will take us on a new and exciting journey.  And once we officially came to a decision, things have been quickly fallen in to place and to be honest, that is both exciting and a little overwhelming!  So here is our big news - we are moving. 

Sorry! I know, there is no easy way to ease in to that kind of news!  We are moving about an hour north of Georgetown, but a little more on that later.  As the three of us have prayed about this and as Thomas and I have considered the various angles that have impacted our decision, there are a few truths that have come out in our discussions. 

First, you must know that this has been a hard decision. Many of you have walked closely with us in the darkest of valleys and we will always be grateful for the support, love and encouragement we received in an abundance of ways.  We don't take that support lightly nor will we ever forgot.  We love our community, we love our home, we love Grace Academy and our church family, but to be blunt, a fresh start is going to be incredibly good for me.  Saying "fresh start" feels almost like I am trying to forget the past. That is simply not true, but to stay where we are has become harder than I ever imagined it would be. Amanda's memory in all the places we go is both comforting but also challenging for me to move beyond. So to fully live in each day and to take that next step in healing this change is important. Simply put, this move is that next step of healing for me.  I am not leaving behind anything, I am merely starting the next chapter.

Another truth, God has blessed our family and we have seen firsthand how His story shines through the lives of His people.  Even though there is a little fear and anxiety over the unknown that lies ahead, I'm not going to stop trusting Him at this point in our lives!  We now find ourselves on the brink of a new adventure and I am filled mostly with excitement! (Trying to keep it honest - a little fear, a little anxiety and a whole lot of excitement...)

Another beautiful truth is that Amanda's life and story will go with us no matter where we live.  Her life and legacy will continue to touch lives.  I know that without a doubt.  Amanda's life has not only changed those who knew her and followed her journey with cancer, but also those who will only know her from meeting our family and learning about her through our family.   We will never stop talking about her.  We will always be a family of four.

You are probably wondering where are moving to - we are moving to the small community of Crawford, which is about 30 minutes outside of Waco. Tom will keep his job with Williamson County and commute every third day and let me tell you - I feel for those people who make that length of a drive every day, twice a day! I will continue to stay at home but look forward to the opportunities that await me.  With Brandon starting a new school in a little over a month's time, it is a huge blessing that things are happening as quickly as they are even though it has made life incredibly crazy and fast paced for us in the recent weeks.  As I type this, the saw is whirring in the garage and the boys are busy finishing up odds and end jobs so we can sell the house.  We are on the go all day with little time for anything else since we feel a need to be settled and getting acquainted with our new community as soon as we can.  Have I said "big adventure" yet?!

Please pray for our family as we are on a bit of a adrenaline high at the moment.  Pray for our trust to stay strong when we might doubt where our next step will take us.  I know in my own personal life my faith has grown exponentially when God hasn't allowed me to see what my next step is.  While that frustrates me to no end, it refines the need in me to be in control and reminds me that I must simply rely on the grace of God and know He will take care of us today like He has so many times before.  I'm sure if you followed the blog during Amanda's treatment you saw me struggle with the need for control way too often in those days and I'm sad to say that is still an area I need to work on.  I have a feeling that lesson will play out many times throughout the days in the near future.

This is not a goodbye. Technology allows friends near and far to stay connected.  If we were sitting across from each other with a cup of coffee having this conversation, I would simply hug your neck and tell you that I will see you soon.  Things may be hectic for awhile, but I'll touch base to let you know how we are settling in. Thank you for your continued love and support. Thank you for loving us well. I am grateful to have you in my life.  So until we talk again, please keep us in your prayers.

Let the adventure begin!

Philippians 1:3-11
I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel.  For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,  filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Mother's Day

But we have a faith that has a living hope - an eternal hope that gives us a joy we can't deny.
I would be lying if I said today wasn't a painful day.  When, as a mother, you have walked the path of watching one of your children die, there is nothing right about that experience.  We all know that parents are not supposed to bury their children - it is not the way it is supposed to be.  But what I do know, is that while it is not right and there is a hole in my life because of that child being gone, there is still much to be grateful for.  I am grateful for the experience of being Amanda's mother.  Amanda had an amazing attitude towards everything with a heart full of compassions and spirit.  She was full of life, joy and had a smile that would light up a room.  Somehow, even in the midst of the chemotherapy and radiation, Amanda still showed courage and spunk.  She is still with us, both in our hearts, but also in our home and family.  So much of what we do reminds us of her while we continue making wonderful memories, keeping her alive with us as we do.  I am grateful for Brandon.  This young man has seen more and lived through more than a child at 14 should, yet he remains grounded and such a joy to be with.  He is all teenager, all boy, and all blessing.  He has a the ability to read my moods and is not afraid to comfort me when I am hurting.  As a family we are very close, and as we went through Amanda's diagnosis, treatment, death and the day to day healing and journey afterward, we are even closer than ever and have a incredibly special bond.  I am grateful for Thomas, my husband, friend, and dad to our two beautiful children God blessed us with.  The Godly wisdom, integrity and leadership he shepherds our family with is not only appreciated, but necessary as we face life and it's challenges.  I am grateful for our mothers, who raised their family with Christ at the center and showed unconditional love, what it means to be wife, mother and friend, and how to weather life's storms through their own journeys'.  They have been role models and I am
blessed to have them in my life

As today approached, I was emendated with all the posts of the different experiences women face on this day.  Those who want to be mothers, those who are mothers, those who have lost mothers, those who have lost children.....the list goes on and on.  What it reminded me is that no matter what, we can't compare our stories or how we each respond to our experiences.  We each have our own burdens, heartbreaks, joys and desires.  We are all unique - yet together we stand on even ground at the cross of Jesus Christ.  So even though today will pass with tears and the pain of missing Amanda all the while feeling joy and pride while spending the day with Brandon, I can't help but focus on that feeling that I have much to be grateful for and acknowledge how God has filled my life with blessings.   Thomas and I can have great peace and have eternal hope and joy because even though we no long have Amanda here with us, because of her personal relationship with Jesus Christ, we know she is spending eternity with Him.  And that, my friends, means knowing my entire family will be together in glory. I can think of no greater joy a mother can know.

I had the incredible privilege to have lunch with another mother who has lost a child to cancer.  During that time, I made a special friend.  The journey, of being a mother who lost their child to cancer, while it is different for every family, still has so many of the same feelings and experiences that I walked away feeling like I had been given a gift.  The bond parents who have lost children share is a heartbreaking one to celebrate, but it is also comforting to be able to share the pain and grief that many people just don't quiet understand, even when they are desperate to share in your journey.  As we sat at a table over a meal, sharing tears and stories, I was thankful that our paths had crossed and we were able to take this time and relate as mothers missing our babies.
May is Brain Tumor Awareness month.  According to the American Cancer Society, (www.cancer.org) brain and spinal cord tumors are the second most common cancers in children (after leukemia). They account for about 1 out of 4 childhood cancers. More than 4,000 central nervous system tumors are diagnosed each year in children and teens. The incidence rate (number of tumors per 100,000 children) has not changed much in recent years.  The American Cancer Society’s estimates for brain and spinal cord tumors in the United States for 2015 include both adults and children.

• About 23,770 malignant tumors of the brain or spinal cord (13,350 in males and 10,420 in females) will be diagnosed. These numbers would be much higher if benign tumors were also included.
• About 16,050 people (9,440 males and 6,610 females) will die from brain and spinal cord tumors.

Overall, the chance that a person will develop a malignant tumor of the brain or spinal cord in his or her lifetime is less than 1% (about 1 in 140 for a man and 1 in 180 for a woman).

Why even bring those statistics up?  Because our family is not the only one that has been impacted by this disease; because more children are robbed of their childhood by a diagnosis and battle when they should be enjoying what we all consider "a normal" life; because families, siblings and friends experience the reality and pain of
this sinful world we live in while they cope with pain, loss and heartbreak of a loved one to this disease.  And because my daughter is only one of many who fought the fight and finished her race strong despite her cancer. 

So while May is extraordinarily busy (and painful!) with Mother's Day, end of school year activities and graduations, please let May also become a reminder of those who have, and are, bravely fighting cancer like our Amanda did.

Below is a link to an article Silver Lining Therapy wrote on Amanda.  Amanda's JuJu, her physical therapist while at ROCK, is now working with Silver Lining Therapy.  SLT offers animal assisted therapy for children and adults in a unique and motivating environment .  I vividly remember talking with Judy and Amanda about involving other kids who were fighting cancer with what Amanda experienced each week with her Romeo by giving them a chance to spend a day with a horse.  She was excited to be a part of sharing that unique, life changing relationship and I am incredibly proud and touched by how Judy continues to keep Amanda's legacy alive with her passion for improving the quality of life for each of her clients. 

Our Amanda is never forgotten, and reading this story was one more way I am reminded I will never know the extent of how Amanda's life and story will touch lives here on this earth.  

Grateful. Missing my daughter but loving my boy completely. Full of hope and joy. Blessed.

Silver Lining Therapy Blog:
May 2016 is Brain Tumor Action Month   - We have been charged by a very special girl to do everything we can for families just like them.

Another new chapter on the horizon...

I have some news to share.  It is with great excitement and bittersweet joy that after 8 years in the Administration at Grace Academy, I will not be returning next year.  I get to stay at home and focus on Brandon these last four years that Thomas and I have him at home.  That sentence is so hard to write!  Four more years.  Then Thomas and I are empty nesters.  Certainly not the timeline nor the circumstances we expected to find ourselves in at the age of 44.

The co-workers at Grace have become family.  I have lived life with these people and they are some of the most smart, amazing, crazy, hilarious, talented and God-loving people I have ever been around.  We have done some serious journeying together and while the last three years has been unbelievable time of joy and grief, I am thankful and honored to have been among this group as we have lived through it.  

While I took a year and half off with Amanda during her illness, I never felt like I had ever "officially" left.  Trust me, I walked away from school that Tuesday afternoon with Brandon and Amanda, and the very next day, as we learned the news that there was a mass at the base of Amanda's brainstem, my focused shifted and I never looked back.  They packed my desk for me and picked right up where I had left off without a single word to me of the weight that was shifted that day.  I remember sitting in the waiting room with the ladies from the Admin while we were still in the hospital.  The absolute shock and unbelief of where we were was evident on all our faces, yet the friendship, support and solidarity was stronger than it had ever been. In fact, Amanda loved these ladies so much and had a great relationship with them - she showed off her surgery incision to them.  That was the first time Tom and I had gotten a good look at it ourselves!  They are family. They are friends.  They are dear brothers and sisters in Christ.  The fact that I had the opportunity to come back to work in the office over these last two years means more than words can say.

One of the most amazing, and my favorite, part of working at Grace has been the ability to be close to both kids and see them throughout the school days.  My days over the years have been full of Brandon and Amanda popping in the office for this or that, to say hi, run an errand for a teacher or even share the good news of a grade on an assignment..  seeing Brandon during the day will be one part that I know I will miss.  

One question I am asked is what I am planning to do next.  My answer for now is to simply take care of my family and myself.  I don't know what the future holds for me, but being the mom and wife God wants me to be will be my primary goal.  We don't have our children for long, and that is something we know all too well, so my heart is full of joy with the thought of spending more time with Brandon and Thomas.

I'm sure that these next four years will be full of adventures and I look forward to all that is in store for us in this next chapter of our lives!

The fight continues....

When I wrote my last blog, it was with the intention of sitting down once or twice a week and writing again. I find myself thinking of what I might like to write about, but I honestly don’t know when in the world I used to find time to blog every day!

Since early December, we went back to New Mexico and spent Christmas in Cloudcroft, have been to the Double A Ranch in Uvalde twice, enjoyed watching Brandon improve in basketball this season and started tiling the floor in our house.  I have thoroughly enjoyed being involved in the women’s ministry at Crestview helping organize our first simulcast of the IF:Gathering, recently attending a You Lead training conference through Lifeway and  the Beth Moore event in Waco.  Add to that Tom’s work schedule and settling into the routine in his new position along with all the second semester activities at Grace and we have been staying busy! 

If we were sitting down for coffee, you might ask me how my new quest for joy is going….and to be honest; I would have to tell you it’s been bumpy.  Safe to say that is not a surprise at all because that’s probably a challenge for most of us.

 In Galatian 5, Paul writes about the Fruit of the Spirit.  I remember when Brandon and Amanda memorized Galatian 5:22-23.  It was incredible to hear their sweet young voices recite those verses:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”  

After I decided to live with joy, I began to think about the other listed and have tried to focus on different ones during my days.  How hard is to live with gentleness as my primary focus?  If not gentleness, what about loving people as they are and in ways that make a difference to them no matter what?  I haven’t gotten anywhere near being satisfied with my results, but nevertheless, it has been a very enlightening exercise in my normal routine. So I will continue to work on and through each trait listed with the goal of simply doing my best at whatever I put my heart into. 

I dreamed of Amanda a couple of weeks ago.  The next day, I was sharing the dream with a about how realistic the dream was - I could hear Amanda’s voice, smell her hair, and feel her as we cuddled and slept in late together – it was so incredibly real I hated to wake up.  A few days before I had read the beginning of Caring Bridge all the way to Easter weekend, so I think my dream was tied to that.  Reading my posts reminded me of so many daily details I had forgotten.  Particularly how upset Amanda was about going to see all her cousins and not being able to play with them like she used to.  She made a comment about how she missed playing basketball with Brandon in the backyard because it was her favorite thing to do…….oh what a sweet memory to share with Brandon as he was in the final weeks of basketball!  As I was tearfully  pouring all this out to my friend as we sat together in my office, she proclaimed, “Sandy, God is so good!”   She went on to say that we had always known the blog was being used by God as we shared our story with those who read it, but now, she pointed out, God was blessing me with the blog by allowing to me to be reminded of those special memories I would have otherwise forgotten as time passed. God is indeed good.

At the conference in Waco, Beth Moore said this , “Those past experiences that God redeems are a part of my everyday life, even when I don’t speak about them.”  I couldn’t agree more.  My past will always be a part of my daily life and in my thoughts. That is not saying that I am living in the past, but merely understanding that my past has made me who I am today and it is important.  I am incredibly thankful for my past and I will pray that God will continue to daily redeem it and use it for His glory in His time. 

I think it is safe to say that I have not found my groove yet on writing regularly again, so whether it be a week or another month before I’m back, choose joy!

Good reason to rejoice...

Hello there.  It's good to be back.

I know I have explained before that in our family, dates are not important, but instead we focus on the celebration no matter the date. With Tom's work schedule being 24 hours on and 48 hours off, it is more important that we are together to celebrate than celebrating on the actual day. But I have a confession - after 18 years, even though that is how we do things, my heart still celebrates the day.  I love to celebrate birthday and anniversaries, holidays and special memories.  Unfortunately, there are some dates that I honestly wish had never occurred.  This Saturday, February 27th, is the day we walked in to Dell Children's Hospital ER and we were set upon a path none of us could have ever imagined.  It will be three years since that day. 

Around Christmas, I turned a corner. I came to the point that I realized I was ready to take a new step. This blog had become a part of my daily life during Amanda's treatment. It has been incredibly therapeutic and helpful way for me to work through things and share life as I went through that process. I have always been very transparent and wanted to be open about my experiences as a mom and most importantly as a Christian who was walking through grief and heartache of having a child with a terminal illness.  And it was through this blog that I learned so much about myself.  I also learned a lot about my family, my friends, and the community that surrounded us.

Here are some things I learned:
~You never know how strong your faith is until your faith is all you have to hold on to.
~Life becomes heartbreakingly simple when you are faced with losing what is most precious to you.
~When choices are taken out of your control, you see life through new lenses.
~Death is not goodbye, it is simply see you later, alligator.
~People are willing to grieve with you.
~People you've never met or seen face-to-face are willing to carry your joys and your sorrows.
~People are more than willing to comfort and pray for you.
~Some people don't know how to handle grief and so they turn away instead.
~People still love you even if they turn away.
~The body of Christ is amazing.
~God is good all the time.
~You can still find joy in the middle of sorrow.
~People mean well even when they say things that hurt you.
~It is better to face emotions than to run from them. The longer I put them off, the harder it is.
~I learned that when you put Christ first in your life, even if everything goes wrong and you fail at life that day, His grace is enough.
~His grace is always enough.

So what was the corner that I turned? I realized that I needed to live every day with joy. Sounds easy, right?  It's just as easy to live in grief and sadness, actually, sometimes it is easier to live in grief and sadness than it is to live in joy.  Why?  Because when you start living in joy, you have the thought that perhaps the past is being forgotten. In reality - nothing is farther from the truth.  It is our past that allows us to be who we are today.  I am who I am today because I am the mother of two beautiful children.  My daughter has simply beat me to my eternal home. Our past can be cherished and our past can live on in today even when we allow ourselves to look to tomorrow. 

Amanda will never be forgotten and she will forever be a part of me.  We have not lost her, we know she is in Heaven and will be with her again. That is a truth that I will never stop saying to myself.

Making the choice to intentionally choose joy is important for me. I can get up each morning and I could choose to live in joy or I could choose to daily focus on sorrow. To say there's not a time for sorrow is wrong because there most certainly is. (A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:4) If I'm honest, at times I still live in sorrow, but for me I have found that this one small decision of choosing joy has made a world of difference. God's word tells me that I should rejoice. (Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice. Philippians 4:4)  And when I do grieve, it is God that keeps count of my tears. (You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8, New Living Translation)

Life has been very busy since last time I was here and I look forward to sharing some of those adventures in the near future.  For now, I'd like to close with the quote that started me thinking how important it was for me to intentionally choose joy and to realize that it was okay to have joy while feeling grief at the same time.  I was preparing my speech to give at our women's Christmas event at Crestview last November when I came across this quote on Twitter by John Piper. 

"There is always good reason to weep.  And always good reason to rejoice.  Not sequential. Simultaneous." 

So as we approach the three year mark of Amanda's diagnosis and the journey that took us on, I have learned that I will always carry grief, some days more heavy than others.  Yet in spite of that, I can honestly say that I have good reason to rejoice.

Psalm 63:1-8
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
    and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
    and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
    and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

You see pictures you forgot about and your heart does a little flip when you are reminded just how beautiful she is. And even though you are separated for a short time and your heart breaks once again, you know full well that her joy is complete. So you take a deep breathe, resolve to choose joy each moment, love your son and husband completely, remember the laughter and smiles while wiping away the tears and thank God every day for his compassion and mercy.