Who am I now?

I've recently been told that I am trying to figure out who the new me is.  After these past two years of the unknown always before us, the battles we have fought and won, and the war that we ultimately lost - I am a different person.  While I may be struggling to find my footing as a mom, wife and friend in this new territory, when it comes to the bottom line, I know who I truly am. 

I am a child of God. And if I keep that as my central focus, all the other questions, emptiness, heartbreak, uncertainties and insecurities don't stand a chance to defeat the work God is doing through our lives and whatever plans He has for us in the future. 

Philippians 1:6

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

My mind constantly races - it is always thinking and it is never quiet.  Working on learning to be still and quiet is something I find to be incredibly challenging, while at the same time incredibly rewarding.  That is, for sure, an area that God is stretching me in.  I find it challenging because when I slow down in life and allow myself to be still - it only makes Amanda's absence that much more magnified, that much more real; almost as if there is a neon sign that lowers in front of my face....shouting "She is gone!" in a glaring light of pain.  Yet if I listen over the noise of my heartache, I hear God's solid, strong and peaceful voice reminding me that Amanda is not gone, she is His.  And when I hold tight to that, and let the truth flow over me, my heart can be still. 

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 
(Trouble? Yes, my daughter diagnosed with brain cancer was trouble.) 
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, 
(Our lives were forever changed with that diagnosis.) 
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, 
(17 months of intense battles with the ups and downs of treatment.)
though its waters roar and foam, 
(Fear, anxiety, helplessness and heartache that overwhelmed.) 
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.  
(the shock of losing Amanda so quickly.)

The scripture above so aptly fit how my life often feels....yet I am thankful for how chapter 46 ends, and that I can claim it boldly: 
“Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!” 
The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

It's how I can get up in the morning, how I can face each day and how I can feel peace in times of pain.  

Is life easy. 

No. 

Is life free of trials and tribulations?

No. 

Does life make sense? 

Not at all. 
But I trust God.

James 1:2-4 
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 

The more time that passes, the more it sinks in that this is a life long journey - this thing called grief. It sneaks up on me when I'm having a good day (and those are coming more often) and some days it consumes my every breath.  (and those days are still ever present)

Losing a child was not supposed to happen. It is not how God intended and He grieves with me. 

So as life goes on, in the pain and in the joy, I continue to try to learn how to live in this new life that is mine. My sweet Amanda will always be remembered. She is loved and cherished and her amazing life has touched many. That is made evident to me every day in some way and I am incredibly thankful for that.

I love her so much.  

My heart simply misses her in a way that will never heal. And if I'm honest, I don't want it to. 

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. 

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

How I can say I have no regrets......

Last Saturday, as I stood before the room of women, I told them,

"When I stop and look back over the journey our family has experienced, I can honestly say that I have no regrets and I feel we were so blessed.  Throughout her illness, she was never hospitalized or had serious complications due to her treatment, she was able to live a “normal life” during those last months and enjoy life despite her cancer.  Those Sundays we all made it to church together to worship were huge victories.  We lived life to the fullest and soaked up every moment we could while still trying to live a normal life with a child that had a terminal illness."

Right before that, I also said this: 

"The one thing that I want you to understand is that while the pain is raw and real and harsh, God’s love is bigger, and stronger, and He comforts even the messiest of hearts like mine." 

This has been a challenging week.  I have had a lot of "face" time with people over the past week.  Probably the most since I have been back at work.  While I loved every moment of it, the after-effects really took a toll on me.  It wore me out and trying to recharge during a busy week has proven to be extremely challenging, which only makes things more difficult.

As I stepped back and thought about what I shared with the women on Saturday and the current emotional struggle I am fighting, the phrase, "I can honestly say I have no regrets" kept coming back to my mind.  And I began to question myself.  "Do I really have no regrets?  If I search my heart, is that a true statement?"

Our last "official" family picture taken, less than a month before she died.

YES!  No matter how much I turn it around, roll it around and try to defend or prove it wrong, the searching always brings me back to God's sovereignty.   He is good enough, strong enough and loving enough to get me through even the darkest days.  And I trust Him.

As I sit here and type this, I am currently watching the slide shows I have made of Amanda and am totally losing it- you know what I mean - the ugly, sobbing, messy kind of crying.  Tears, though they may be painful and heartbreaking, they are also very cleansing and therapeutic.  

Amanda lived a beautiful life.  We didn't choose cancer, we didn't have any control over the illness that took her life - but we walked through it with all the grace and strength God gave us and loved her every moment and trusted God.  That is how I can say I have no regrets.  I had her for a beautiful almost eleven years.  Even with the pain of losing her, and not having her in my future - I would not trade those years for anything.  I would do them over in a heartbeat, even with the same outcome.  She was an incredible gift.

I found this article on the Desiring God website.  I often enjoy going and combing through the Desiring God website as I continue to learn how to dig deeper in God's word...

Any peace and hope we have in our lives right now can be traced back to the fact that God alone is God, that he is the sovereign power behind everything. And this has future-creating wonder. God’s sovereignty, John Piper explains, is not mainly a theological problem with the past, but an invincible hope for tomorrow.

God’s sovereignty means the good he intends for his children will not be deterred. This means we can face anything. All his promises to us will be fulfilled. Pastor John lists nine such promises.
By the blood of his Son, God has promised infallibly...

1. I will meet all your needs according to my riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).
2. My power will be made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
3. I will strengthen you and help you and hold you up with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).
4. I will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
5. I will not let any testing befall you for which I do not give you grace to bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).
6. I will take the sting away from your death with the blood of my son (1 Corinthians 15:55f).
7. I will raise you from the dead imperishable (1 Corinthians 15:52).
8. I will transform your lowly body to be like my glorious body, by the power that enables me even to subject all things to myself (Philippians 3:21).
9. I will do this without fail because I am absolutely sovereign over everything and therefore, I can do all things, and no purpose of mine can be thwarted (Job 42:2).

My suffering is not unbearable.  It is heartbreaking, heavy, painful and challenging - but not unbearable because God carries me.  I'm not ashamed to admit there are days that I cannot face, that I question how I'm going to get through, that I wonder how God thinks I am strong enough to deal with this.  And then it hits me - in my own power, I can't do anything.  When I try to do that is when I miserably fail.  It is so much better to admit my weaknesses and solely depend on God and His grace to help me take the next step, face the next day and continue to simply breath.

I am thankful that I have those days that I am ready to take on the world - I am ready to shout from the mountaintops and share Amanda's story and how God blessed us throughout it.  And believe it or not, I am thankful for days like today where I am crying out to God for strength and mercy to simply make it through the day. 

 “Suffering is unbearable if you aren’t certain that God is for you and with you." Tim Keller

“I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord.” Yes. That’s it. That is the promise. The “I will” of God. That is what I need. And if it is true for the vulnerable villages of Jerusalem, it is true for me a child of God. God will be a “wall of fire all around me.” Yes. He will. He has been. And he will be.
And it gets better. Inside that fiery wall of protection he says, “And I will be the glory in her midst.” God is never content to give us the protection of his fire; he will give us pleasure of his presence.~John Piper

Seeking and clinging to His protection and the pleasure of His presence even in my grief.....
 

Please? Let me take your picture?

 

love and miss this silly girl....

What a great feeling!

Incredibly blessed for this opportunity!

Well, another first... (I'm starting to realize, that for the rest of my life, I will be able to apply that statement to something.)

Saturday morning I had my first solo speaking engagement at Hill Country Bible Church in Georgetown.  I'd like to say a huge "thank you" to Hill Country Bible for inviting me to speak.  Take note of my side table there - box of kleenex, a cup and a bottle of water....all necessary items in case of a major meltdown.  The amazing thing is - they were not required!

This event has been on the calendar for a few months, and if you remember, I had been praying about doors opening for me to share our journey, and continue to do so.  So when I was asked to speak, I was extremely excited - an answer to prayer and God opening a door.  As the day got closer, there were definitely nerves, but when the day arrived, I was actually pretty calm.

I wanted to articulate our journey well, honor Amanda's memory and most of all, glorify God through the heartache.  I feel like I succeeded in all three areas. 

When asked how I managed to not fall apart during the speech and right afterwards, it really is the strangest thing....I feel the emotions, and even get choked up at times, but honestly, I'm somehow able to keep my composure. (Same thing for when we made the video!)  And I give all the glory to God for giving me the strength to hold it together. The emotions usually hit me either later in the day, or even a day or two afterwards and then I do completely and totally fall apart.  The tears hit, all the emotions come pouring over me and I just crash.  After my emotions are all spent, and I sleep, I feel better.  

So here is a crazy thing - I have these physical reactions when I get nervous: my neck gets red and my mouth goes dry.  They are incredibly annoying because I can't do anything to prevent them from happening.  However, both times that I have had the opportunity to speak and share our story, I haven't experienced them at all!!  The only way to explain it is that God provides all that I need when I need it.  You have no idea how amazing that is for me....

It feels wonderful to have that "first time" under my belt and that it was such an enjoyable experience. 

I look forward to the next opportunity, wherever and whatever God has planned. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
  
Oh, how my heart aches and misses this beautiful, silly, precious girl... 

Worn, weary, but also excited.....

As I have been preparing my speech the past few days, it has been with a bit of difficulty,but not for the reason one would expect. This will be my first time to speak on my own.  Not only do I have so much I want to share, but there are so many different angles from which I could share our story.  The layers and depths of what we have learned over the past two years is hard to muddle through at times.  God has been so good to us.

It promises to be an emotional morning, but that's nothing new for me!!

With last weekend still fresh and raw in my heart, I am emotionally drained and worn out.  At times this week I have found myself fighting the anxiety of the loss of Amanda.  It sits heavy in the very pit of my stomach.  I find it odd that at times I still find myself struggling with "accepting" the reality that I have been living the past 8 months.

8 months, which is only 4 months from a year.....that seems impossible! As I cleaned house Monday, I could clearly picture her walking through the house, watching a movie in our bed or sitting in her favorite chair. I still catch myself thinking of her as being here, wondering how she is feeling and where she is.   

As hard as that is on me, I don't want it to change. I want to feel that closeness and have the memories come to mind that easy.  The pain simply reminds me of how much I love her and makes me yearn for the day we are together again. 

For now, I take each day as it comes and continue to trust God's plan for our family. 

As for Saturday, I am looking forward to sharing our story. Come join us at Hill Country Bible, Georgetown - bring a friend and maybe even some Kleenex! ;)

I would appreciate your prayers as I take this next step in our journey....I can honestly say that I am excited to see what God has in store!!

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

Our Easter in Pictures

Incredibly sweet....a bouquet on Amanda's bench before Easter break....

As I have mentioned, the Kimbrough family is home and spending time with them is like spending time with family.....

This one.....this one steals your heart before you even realize it...

Selfies!!  Amos and Isaac

Dawnya

Abigail

Isabel

 On to Easter....our first celebration was with the Watson side:

If you look closely, Leah (December Baby) is holding Amanda's picture....with a little help.

Abby made place cards for those in our family that are no longer with us, but are still with us in our hearts...Sam, Amanda and Papa

Ummm, Uncle Steve, I think you are a little old to be hunting eggs.....just sayin'

 I think we have a little ham on our hands with Jem!!  :)

 And then comes the confetti eggs.  The pictures speak for themselves!

Sweet cousins!  AJ and Leah...

Meredith with her beautiful Easter edible creation....

What a sleeping beauty...

And now, the Smith Easter:

This year, it was all hands on deck Easter egg hunt....everyone participated.

Except for Maw Maw and PaPa - they hid the eggs.

One balloon slipped away before we were ready to release them....

Celebrating Amanda's first Easter in Heaven..

And then came the confetti eggs...

I call this "the stand-off"

Seriously?! Not a single smile!!

A heartbreakingly sweet gift from Kyle - a 3D puzzle of a cluster of grapes that he made.

Even Ginger got an egg...

....and got to help Kyle celebrate the big 1-2!

Happy Easter from the entire herd!!

Romans 8:37-39

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.