"That" moment finally hit.....

Well, it finally happened.  That moment I was dreading - the moment that I would look around and realize my girl was not at Grace with me and simply being on campus would be heartbreaking.  She was not running all over the playground laughing and shouting with her friends, playing tag or making forts, or coming up the stairs after recess with her class. She. Wasn't. There. 

It came at such an unexpected time.  I was on playground duty, and in less than five minutes it hit me and I just lost it.  As I looked around at all the children, I realized one of mine wasn't there, she was missing.  I saw Brandon shooting hoops, but Amanda wasn't playing tag with her friends or climbing on the play set, or sitting by the flower garden.......and like a tidal wave the grief crashed over me and I lost it.

As I walked back to the office with the tears flowing freely (thank goodness for big sunglasses!) it became another first for me to get through.  As I prayed for peace in that moment, for joy to outweigh the sorrow, I tried to focus on being grateful for all the days that I did have Amanda there and remember her love for Grace Academy.  Ann Voskamp once said "When stress mounts, I'll dismount it with gratitude. It's impossible to simultaneously feel stress and gratitude at the same time and I choose to give thanks at all times.  Fight feeling with feeling!"  I try to use that process as often as I can...gratitude instead of stress or sadness.

Today it didn't work.  Sometimes the hurt is so raw and strong that it simply must bleed out of my system.  Today was one of those days.  I sat at my desk, thankful for the fact that I face a wall, and just let the tears roll as I put my headphones in and listened to music while I attempted to work.   With time, I was able to gather myself and move past that moment, but what a painful sucker punch it was.

One of the songs I heard while I sat there working was by Crowder called "Come As You Are"  and part of the song says this:

Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been
Come broken-hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You're not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

It was the line, "Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal" that really spoke to me in that moment.  I just stopped what I was doing to listen to the music and let the song wash over me while I prayed that God would help me move past that moment and let it go.  It's those tough unexpected moments that hit so hard and I wonder "How am I going to live a lifetime of this?"

As I was leaving for the day, honestly it felt more like escaping, I happened to meet Amanda's class on the steps.  At first, I was ready to turn and run, my heart was not ready to handle their sweet faces......until they hollered out "Hi Mrs. Watson!" and came rushing to give me a hug.  All the girls surrounded me and they were talking at the same time as each one gave me a hug.  Then one noticed my charm bracelet.  It was Amanda's charm bracelet that we started while she was in treatment.  After she passed, I added some of my own charms to it, and as my mother in law pointed out, it has become "our" bracelet.  I love that thought - it is Amanda and my bracelet.  So with the class crowded around me, sweet Mrs. Kurtz allowed some extra time for me to show each charm and give a short description of when and why she got each one, along with identifying the charms that were mine.

What a sweet balm that was for my hurting heart.  They had no idea I was struggling or hurting, yet their joy and smiles touched me in a way that soothed my spirits.  I am so incredibly thankful for how God orchestrates moments that turn into huge blessings.   I was blessed by a class of fifth graders today in a way they may never realize.

Speaking of fifth graders, I have a blog to share in the next day or two that one of Amanda's classmates wrote about her.....but I warn you, have tissues ready before you read it.  The absolute innocence and love of a child is something that we as adults often let fall to the side and forget how powerful it can be.  If only we could love as purely and deeply as children do and hold on to their unwavering faith......

Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal....

When life seems so unfair....

So my last post indicated last week was a rough one.  I was ready for it to be over and a new week to start.  That blog was written Friday night and completed Saturday morning after we went hunting.  If I had only known how the week would officially end....

Over the past few weeks, we have been commenting on how our large shepherd mix dog, Bo Bear, has been moving really slow.  We jokingly calling him "old man" even though he was only eight.  He seemed to be bleeding from his gums, but we thought it was from chewing on deer antlers. (they make the best dog chew toy) Then we noticed his left eye was drooping.  Honestly, it looked like he had pink eye or possibly had poked it while digging for lizards.  So Friday we called the vet, but they couldn't see him until Monday.  Okay, no big deal - we could wait.

We came home Saturday after hunting and he wasn't at the back door like always, waiting on us.  So I open the back door and he very clumsily climbed out from underneath the porch steps, swaying and having a hard time walking. His other eye looked like it had blood in it.  We immediately knew something was wrong.  So we called a vet and took in him in.

They ran various tests and could not determine what was wrong, so they sent us to an emergency center for more tests.  Once we got there, they ran more tests and his prognosis was not good.  They diagnosed him with an autoimmune disease in which his body was attacking his own platelets.  His platelet count was extremely low causing the bleeding that we had noticed in his eyes and mouth.  The treatment they offered was described as "chemo" in the way it would destroy his immune system and that we would know within seven days if it would work or not, but it would be a time consuming and emotional process.  The recommendation besides medication was hospitalization and a blood transfusion.

So there we stood with the decision of bringing him home and trying medication that could or could not help in front of us.  The vet said that we needed to be emotionally ready for this because it was not going to be an easy first week or so. We talked as a family to make a decision on what was best for the family and for Bo Bear.   With the quick decline of Bo during that day we made the decision not to put him through any more pain.  And honestly, we couldn't handle the emotional toil of what could be ahead of us at home.  So with the vet's support due to his condition and obvious decline, we made the hard decision to have him put down.

Brandon said his goodbyes, then the boys stepped out.  It was only the vet and I in the room there at the end.  I shared our story with her and why this decision was so incredibly difficult.  She said that it seemed to her that Bo just needed to go take care of his girl.  And so I sat and loved on him through those last moments. While I have no biblical proof that pets go to heaven, and even if it is only a mother's wishful thinking, I imagine that Amanda and Bo Bear are enjoying a wonderful reunion after their time apart.

We got Bo Bear from the Williamson County Animal Shelter when Brandon was in second grade and Amanda was in Kindergarten.  We all fell in love with his sweet disposition and gentle spirit.  He would follow you from room to room and just lay down right by your feet.  He had this amazing, thick coat of fur that reminded me of a lion.  Amanda adored him and was constantly proclaiming he was just so adorable she couldn't stand it.  For Brandon, Bo was that dog every boy needed.  He loved to wrestle and play, run outside and chase him and sleep in his room.  Bo and Ginger were the best of friends and offered us hours of entertainment watching them play together.  Despite the size difference, I think Ginger was the alpha dog between them.  :)  His large size made him very formidable and when needed, he would protect us, (loved that about him) but he was a true gentle spirit - a gentle giant.

So, I ask, how much heartache can our family, or more so, can my son take?  They say that a dog is a man's best friend and our dogs certainly bring us joy and companionship.   This would be a hard loss for Brandon no matter when it happened, but the timing of it now just seems unfair.  As a mother I should be well equipped to answer and explain the "Life is not fair" scenario, but even this has me at a loss and heartbroken.

I am incredibly thankful for the blessings God gives us through His beautiful creations. Our Bo Bear was a blessing and I am grateful for the years he was a part of our family.  He will be greatly missed.

The day we brought Bo Bear home.

Love.  This.  Picture.

Last year, it was routine for Amanda, Bo and Ginger to ride along and take Brandon to school.  When Brandon would get out of the front seat, Bo would climb up front and take his place.   He loved to go places.

The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them. The cow and the bear shall graze; their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox. The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den. (Isaiah 11:6–9)

God didn’t create the animals only to wipe them away, but decorate his eternal glory and serve humanity’s everlasting joy. While the Bible doesn’t promise that all dogs go to heaven, or that your favorite pet will be there, we can bank on it being brilliantly better than even the best day at the zoo.
Desiring God - David Mathis

I am so ready for a new week to start.......this is one I want behind me...

Galatians 6:2
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

This week has been an extremely challenging week for me.  The pain has been especially raw.  I had convinced myself, again, that people are going to get tired of a "woe is me" attitude and reading the same thing over and over...so I haven't shared.  How many stories of my breakdowns in the middle of a public place do you really want to hear?  Or how I use all my abilities to hold myself together before I find a private place to fall apart?  Or how exhausting grief really is....

As I was thinking about that, or more accurately arguing with myself about that as the week went on, God brought certain moments and stories to mind.  They were all over the map in regard to how they spoke to my heart.  Someone shared how our walk continues to touch them, or told me a funny story of Amanda, or my favorite this week - I was reminded that we serve a God who sees.  He sees us no matter how heartbroken or alone we may feel.  So I have made the decision (again) that even if it sounds like I am saying the same thing over and over, it doesn't matter.  I'm going to keep writing and pouring my heart out.  And while I do that, I will trust that God is all over this, and He will be glorified, no matter what.  If my honesty through my suffering helps someone else who is going through trials and tribulations find some comfort here, then praise God.  I know that we were not made to walk this path alone.

Here is some honesty that is painful to admit - my head knows that God works all things for good.  All things - even the death of my daughter.  But my heart misses her more and more each day almost to the point of desperation.  There is just no other way to explain it.  I miss her.  And it hurts.  And yet, life goes on.  It must.  I see it all around me, the hustle and bustle of life and yet, I feel like my feet are in concrete and I can't keep up. Reminds me of that line it the movie "Titanic"  where Rose and Jack are on the deck the day after he stops her from jumping off the back of the boat.  She makes this statement as she tries to explain how she feels, "I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up,"  Okay, so that is a little dramatic, but you get my point.  Life feels like it is flowing all around me, people are doing their thing, and I am standing still.  No one knows just how broken my heart is, because on the outside, I look "okay" and I am active and "living life."  And yet, even as I try to keep up with everyone, usually what happens is I fail miserably and disappoint myself. 

Grief does the most insane things to your person.  It impacts how you think, feel, react, sleep, eat, converse - everything in your life is altered in a way that you have no control over.  It takes you on a ride and you are left just hanging on.   This is going to sound strange, but despite all this pain, I find it oddly beautiful that God gave us grief.  He made us to experience these feelings and not ignore them, they are an important (though incredibly painful) part of dealing with a loss.  So even though I may feel like I am on a run away roller coaster, God has a purpose and a plan.  He knows where I'm going even when I don't.  So I will trust Him and hold on tight to see where He is taking me.

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

I think part of my challenge this week was recouping from last weekend and the schedule we had.  It was packed with moments of pain and challenges as I navigated through each new "first."  First funeral since Amanda's passing.  Tom's grandfather passed away, and while it was graveside only, it was still so very hard for me.  As we stood there and I felt myself begin to panic, God provided a beautiful distraction through my precious two year old nephew.  Jem and I took a walk.  What a blessing for me.  Sunday morning we had the awesome privilege to see one of our nieces get baptized. What a joyous occasion, and knowing that she too will one day see Amanda again hit me to the core.  Doesn't take much to make me cry these days - but that is an awesome reason to shed tears.  Praise God.  I know Amanda was rejoicing with the angels.  Despite the celebration, at times being with family makes the hole of her absence feel even bigger to me.....and it is exhausting.

We were having lunch on Sunday after the baptism at the Waco Watson home.  As we were all getting our plate and I literally took a deep breath, turned my head, and stopped myself right before I hollered out the words,  "Amanda, come fix your plate!"  The words nearly came out.  While I have no issue with that habit - it has happened often - it is the pain that follows as the realization kicks me in the face that she is gone that I hate so much.

Sunday night we went out to Lawler for Third Sunday singing.   It is a night full of  music - requested hymns from the congregation and special music by anyone that has a song to sing.  Since we were there, I couldn't be that close to her grave and not visit.  That certainly didn't make the night any easier, but it was a must.

Brandon has been working on "Though You Slay Me" by Shane and Shane on his guitar (among many others) and wanted to practice singing in front of a group, so we thought Lawler was the perfect place for his first performance.  He knocked my socks off.  That is the song that was played at the beginning of Amanda's Memorial Service and Brandon did a beautiful job.  He has definitely found an outlet in music and it has become a beautiful gift to see develop.   That night, I also sang a special.   It was the first one in over a year that I have actually practiced and prepared to sing.  The last time we were at Lawler for Third Sunday singing, Amanda was with us.  It was an emotional evening and a draining way to end the weekend.

So my week started off after a hard weekend, and it never seemed to lighten up.  But praise God, not matter how hard one day was, I woke up ready to face the next new day.  New mercies and strength to face the day - all blessings from God.

Yesterday was Tom's birthday.  Another painful first without her.  While we enjoyed the day, and  mixed up the celebration a little by doing presents mid-week, it was still an incredibly hard day without her here to celebrate her daddy.

Last year's birthday card Amanda made for Tom - her Superman.

Last year getting ready for deer season.

This was the morning she shot her first deer of the season.

As I looked back to last year's post at this time, Amanda was falling in love with ROCK, we were still homeschooling and she was feeling pretty good overall.  Though it hurts me to the very core of my being to read back and remember those times, I can't help but think of how blessed we are with the precious daughter we were given......

After sharing all that - I want you to know that there are still times and moments of joy, even if at times they seem to feel overpowered by the pain.  Lunch with amazing friends.  Zumba and laughter.  Crazy antics at the office.  Naps.  Shopping (I love it).  Fishing with my boys.  Time spent with family.  Deer hunting.  Laughter at my crazy boys.  Movie and pizza night.  Long phone calls with girlfriends.....

God still gives joy through the heartache and I am extremely grateful for that.

I take life moment by moment.  Any more than that is just too hard.

Successful hunt this morning.  First deer shot with his AR.  Proud of my boy!

Psalm 59:16

But I will sing of your strength;
    I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
    and a refuge in the day of my distress.

In a new routine and missing the blog.....

Being back at work with my new routine has certainly thrown me for a loop.   Even my blogging routine is off.  I find myself thinking about something I want to share, but finding the time is so challenging!  So prepare yourself for me jumping from topic to topic and maybe even some rambling.....I have so much I want to say.

Here is something that has been rolling around in my head to share because every time I casually mention it in a conversation, it always gets the most interesting responses.   I see a counselor every week.  And not just any counselor, but a counselor that is a Christian man, grounded in God's word who always redirects everything to the truth and comfort found there.  And when I say everything - I mean everything.  Which for me, who is all emotion, working at staying grounded is a beautiful thing and his guidance on how to work through the day to day grieving process has been profoundly beneficial for me.

I've learned so much about people during this season of life.  I've learned what it truly means to be the body of Christ, to be loved and supported and cared for in times of trials.  To learn what it means to stick by someone through some of the hardest times you could face and be okay with not being okay.   I've learned what not to say to people who are going through trials.  I've learned to depend on and trust in God's word - and to know that is true.  I've also realized what is is to feel like finding yourself on one side of a glass wall and the world is on the other, and they just don't know how to reach you.....

That's the thing about grieving.  Every person is SO DIFFERENT.  Even in our family.  We all are dealing with it in different ways, yet I think we all work at doing our best to honor each others differences.  I have personally learned how to interact with people who are grieving - and there are many different types of grieving that people go through - not just the loss of a child.   Suffering is suffering, and while someone's loss may not be as extreme as the loss of a child, your ability to empathize with and comfort people changes dramatically after you have traveled down that road.  I am a different person with a deeper level of compassion than I was two years ago.  God's got a purpose for that.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Now that I am not blogging daily, I miss it.  It feels like I haven't spoken to a friend in days and I can't wait to have the time to slow down and take the time to share.  I realize that for many people, pouring ones heart out like this is not their idea of coping or healing but I have found it to be incredibly therapeutic and comforting for me from day one.  So when I go long periods without posting, I can feel it.

Every day, the reality continues to soak in just a little more that Amanda is forever gone from this earth.  I am figuring out that this is a lifetime process.  That may sound strange, but the periods of numbness still appear at times, as does the intense, desperate panic of realization that she is gone.  There are days that are full of joy and laughter, and yet for right now, the sorrow is always simmering underneath. Then there are days that are a struggle from the moment I open my eyes.  Thankfully, faith always comes in.  Sometimes it takes a little while longer for it to break through the grief - but it is there.  It is a choice - believing and having faith over what I feel.  I think at times it was easier to make that choice when Amanda was in the midst of her battle with cancer, because I still had Amanda.  Now that God has called her home, and we know without a doubt that she is there, I will sometimes get caught up in my sorrow.  I do think it is very important for me to have those moments of sorrow, heartbreak, tears, utter despair and anguish.  It is almost cleansing to let myself feel those emotions.  As my counselor says - AMANDA IS WORTH IT.  But praise God, it never lasts very long.  When the desperation and pain feel suffocating, I focus on my faith and lift my eyes above the storm to see Him.  That is why it is so important to know God's word and hide it in our heart - so that we can quickly redirect our thoughts and focus on Him.

The stronger my faith; the stronger my freedom, confidence and peace in God is.  I read something the other day that said "Help me not to miss future blessings because I refuse to go to a place with you that I've never been before."  We saw that truth while in the trenches with Amanda and experienced God's overwhelming blessings because our focus was on glorifying Him in the battle.  May it continue to be so even now as our battlefield has changed.  Though there are many tears and sorrow, God can still use them to plant seeds of joy and hope for the future....if I choose to be obedient to Him.  I want nothing more than to run my race with endurance to the very end.  I've experienced life lived like that up close and personal and I don't want it any other way.

This past Friday was Crazy Hat Day at Grace.  Amanda and I attended last year's festivities and we enjoyed it tremendously.  She was looking forward to participating in this year's event, so Friday was a challenging day for me. One more first without her.  I am so thankful for the people God has in my life to surround me and support me through days that prove to be incredibly challenging. I am blessed.

Looking back, one year ago:
So here I sit, as a mom, seven months after Amanda's diagnosis, I find myself still processing where we are.  Sometimes, it feels like I start over every day with that process.  Other times, I sail smoothly along, confident in the path that lies before us even without knowing what lies ahead.   But throughout all of this, there is one thing that never changes.  In fact, there is one thing that has prepared me for something like this, the only thing that could prepare me for something like this - and that is my relationship with Christ.  James 4:6 says, "He gives greater grace."  Amen.  Every day, without His grace, I would simply fail.   It is through Him that I find the strength, the joy and the hope to start each day fresh. 

Crazy Hat Day - 2013

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Life with tears, but another story of joy

I find that I am still stumbling my way through learning how to walk through this new life.  Work is good.  I went in one day this week struggling and having a tough start to the day, but as the morning went on, the laughter and love that abounds in that office helped lift my spirits.  I still leave exhausted and tend to nap daily.  That lets me recharge a little before Brandon comes home and our evening begins.

Little things, sometimes the craziest things, still sneak up and catch me off guard, completely destroying my composure.  Ginger had a vet appointment this week.  One of the tech's asked how Amanda was doing and if she was still in chemo.......

As I sat in the exam room, alone while they took Ginger back for her check-up, with tears running down my cheeks I wondered how many times is this going to happen?  How many times would I be caught off guard and lose it?  I quickly realized that for the rest of my life I will struggle with that reality.  And in all honesty, she is totally worth it, so I don't mind the tears.

If you remember a few posts back, I shared a paper that one of our Rhetoric students at Grace wrote about the impact Amanda's life made in her life.  This week, I was handed a second paper that was written about Amanda.

As I intentionally look for joy in each day, this paper fits right along with that mindset.  I love my Grace family, and they love my girl.

I had an experience where I saw God's hand help someone.  It was when I saw Amanda Watson on Field Day 2013.  Amanda had been feeling horrible for about a week and a half and everyone feared that she would miss field day.  I prayed every night, in hopes that He would heal her just enough for her to enjoy field day.
Days flew past, and the countdown to field day crept to lower numbers quickly.  Minutes turned to hours as I anxiously waited to finish 7th grade.  Finally, it was here.  Field day was here.  I rejoiced to be done with school, but began to wonder where Amanda was.  Mr. Cauley started the usual announcements, and I couldn't wait for him to mention Amanda's name. 
After twenty minutes of waiting, and by then, I began to lose hope, I heard her name.  My heart soared and I was filled with so much joy.  
I was happy to see her running around, doing activities, but one moment has stuck with me.  All the kids lined up to begin playing the game Sharks and Minnows.  I sat on the outside watching.  The game began and all the kids started running past me.  Then I saw Amanda.  Everything turned into slow motion and she looked like she was glowing.  Her red hair hair flowed gracefully from beneath her hat like a raging fire.  She had a smile on her face that only God could create; so big, loving and welcoming.  I could not help but smile almost as big as she did, but no smile could surpass her smile.  The joy and happiness that filled my heart surpassed any happiness that I had ever felt before.  I had never felt this kind of joy, and I knew, right then, that God had given me that joy.

Nowhere is there a greater chance to see the peace and joy of the Lord than when the journey through the valley is the darkest.   ~Billy Graham

Teach me the way of life.  Fill me with  the joy of  your presence.  Psalm 16:11

So hard to believe, two months today.....

Today, it has been two months since we said "see you later, alligator" to our sweet Amanda.  It seemed that while we were in treatment, the weeks between chemo would pass so quickly.  Now, life feels almost like it is in slow motion.   It feels like two years have passed without Amanda instead of only two months.

As I would often do after we passed that one year mark, I looked back at where we were at this time last year.  During this week last year, up until this point in her chemo treatment, we had been struggling with the chemo meds hitting her system very hard, causing us to stretch what should have been a four week chemo cycle to a six week cycle just so her counts would be high enough to start the next round.  This time, however, at cycle four we were able to start at the four week mark.  We were thrilled.

Starting cycle four!

And yet, the side effects of chemo were still hitting her hard:

It was a long night, both physically and emotionally, but even in times like that, we still experienced God's love as He shone through our daughter.  At one point, as Tom and I were sitting next to her, doing our best to comfort, she said, "Dad, would you please pray that I won't get sick again? I have already prayed twice, but I would like you to."  Then after the prayer, she said, "I know God is putting me through this for a reason." Oh, how indescribable it is to hear your child acknowledge God's sovereignty in a moment like that.  It is in those bright moments during the dark times that forever impact you.

After a warm bath and unfortunately a little more sickness, she finally drifted off to sleep.  I didn't sleep well after that, but instead found myself in the place of not being able to pray any words, but instead to just cry out. True to His promise in Romans 8:26, God's peace and comfort found me there.  Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

At moments like this, I find myself wanting my girl so very bad, even though I know that can't be.  She was such a fighter.  I miss her laugh.  I miss her spunky personality.  I miss her silliness - I miss everything about her.   There are no words that can be said to ease the grief, no way to make the burden and pain any lighter.  Time is the only thing that will help lessen this ache that overwhelms me.  So if you ever wonder what to say or do for me, or anyone else that is grieving, a simple hug, an "I love you and am praying for you" or even just a smile works great.  Don't worry about trying to say anything deep or theological, or even witty.  There are times that words can't pierce the depth of pain a person is feeling, but love can.  And that is the beautiful thing about love...there are so many ways to express it without saying a single word and you all have done a marvelous job of that.  You have loved us through the prayer chain, food calendars, cards and small gifts that show you care.  Those things have been more meaningful than I can say.   I also love to hear personal "Amanda" stories.  She had such a personality!

As for life in general, working each day helps me a little with giving my mind something to focus on, however, I still come home and nap every day.  Brandon is doing well.  We try to make a point to keep Amanda in conversations, if only to keep him talking about her and not holding things in.  God is gracious and Brandon is doing okay.  I asked him at what times does he miss Amanda the most, thinking he would say something like, "In the evenings," or "When I'm in the backyard." so it took my breath away when he said, "All the time."   Those two had an amazing relationship.  They had the typical brother and sister issues, but they loved each other deeply.  I realize that at times, while my heart is hurting for Amanda, it is breaking for Brandon as he is learning this new identity of being the "single" child.  He is not, nor will he ever be an only child.  As I look to the future, I know that God is going to use this in life in unspeakable ways.  I am already extremely proud of the young man of God he is today.

I ended that particular post mentioned above with a few specific prayer requests as we continued chemo that week:

• Pray that Amanda would sleep all night tonight without any incident. 
• Pray that she continues to eat and drink like she needs to. 
• Pray that Thomas and Brandon will be able to go and have a special time together this weekend without worrying too much about us girls.  All we have planned is to snuggle, watch movies and read!
• Pray that we will continue to see his miraculous healing in Amanda's life. 
• Above all, join us in praying that God will be glorified through our lives in this journey. 

I don't understand why our prayers were not answered the way we wanted them to, but then again, I'm not supposed to understand.  "I'm not called to understand, I'm just called to be obedient," as a dear friend often reminds me.   I serve a mighty, awesome God, and although I may not understand His ways, one day - maybe not this side of Heaven, I will finally be able to see the beauty of His plan for my family.  As hard as that is some days, it is the foundation of each step that I take every day. Obedience, hope, faith and trust.

And some days, that's all I feel like I can do.  Take.  One.  Step.

Tonight, I'll end this post with the last and only applicable prayer request to our family at this point, for Amanda has already experienced her miraculous healing:

Above all, join us in praying that God will be glorified through our lives in this journey.

Our journey is not over.
Amanda's story is not finished, I am confident in that.

Isaiah 26:4

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

And yes, September and Childhood Cancer Awareness month is over, but I am still enjoying the gold "blingy" background, so I'm keeping for awhile! :)

Mo Ranch 2014 - with lots of pictures!

This past weekend, our Grace Academy family had our annual Mo Ranch weekend in Hunt, Texas.  This is a beautiful camp on the Guadalupe River and we have been going since Brandon's Kindergarten year at Grace.  We have missed only two years in our entire time at Grace.  We took a family get away in 2011, and then we missed 2013....

In 2013 we were not able to attend due to Amanda's treatment, but all four of us had looked forward to making the trip this year.  The original date was set for the weekend of Amanda's memorial service.  We were incredibly touched when the school decided to reschedule the weekend to allow Grace families to attend the service.  That was another instance of the love and support our family has experienced during this time.

As the date got nearer and we had made the decision to go, I was having serious doubts about it.  Even though we were to stay in a new lodge in a private room that included a separate living area and kitchen with a small group of other families, I still had concerns about feeling overwhelmed with both the memories and people.  Honestly, being in groups of people is still hard for me.  When it came down to it, the fact that Brandon wanted to go was my main reason to be there so I put on my big girl pants and went.  I really do love the whole experience of Mo Ranch, from the drive there, to the beautiful tranquility of the campus, to time spent with our Grace family - I love it all. 

I must say, once we got there, it was one of the hardest experiences for me since Amanda's passing.

Everywhere I looked I saw memories of Amanda.  She grew up there, each summer getting a little more independent as she explored the banks of the river and swam like a fish.  She was looking forward to the trip this summer that would kick off the school year with her friends.  To be there without her was more painful than I can put into words.  God still showed me goodness and beauty through the pain.

I made new friends.

I laughed with old friends.

I saw my son laughing and smiling with his friends.

Surrounded by God's amazing, beautiful creation, away from any technology and the hustle and bustle of life, I experienced a peace through the pain.

By far the hardest part of the weekend was when I was asked by a beautifully innocent child if I had children.  I said I do, my son is thirteen and was currently swimming.  She then asked if I had a daughter.  I have not had to answer that question yet.  But with honesty and gentleness, I gave my answer a try and I think it went something like this:  "Yes, I do have a daughter.  She is in heaven right now, but I think you would have really enjoyed meeting her.  She was a special girl."

It was pure grace from God that I faced that question for the first time from the innocent curiosity of a child and in a very "safe" place.  Testing the waters with a family who are strong believers allowed me to say Amanda was in Heaven, and I knew the parents were there to step in and help me if I started to sink.  It was a definite punch to the gut, but even in that painful moment, God was good and I think I handled the moment well.

Despite all the pain that I faced, there was still something healing about being there, surrounded by people that love and care for me.

One of my devotions (I tend to juggle several) during the weekend was from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word Day by Day and said this:

Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief.  It is believing an unshakable God when everything in me trembles and quakes. 
Praise be to You, Lord, for you showed Your wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city (Ps. 31:21)
But Lord God, according to Your Word, these "light and momentary" troubles of mine (in relation to eternity) are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Cor. 4:17-18).
I am still confident of this: I will see Your goodness, Lord, in the land of the living.  I will wait for You, Lord.  I will be strong and take heart and wait for You.  (Ps. 27:13-14)

Another year of Mo Ranch in the books, as one of my friends likes to say.  All in all, pain and heartbreak, joy and tears, I'm glad I went  - if only to prove to myself that I can face those wonderful places full of special memories and survive.  When you are living with grief, sometimes there are days that it comes down to simply surviving....

"God had graciously allowed some of my fears to come true so I would discover I would not disintegrate.

My faithful Father, whether I turn to the right or to the left, cause my ears to hear a voice behind me saying, "This is the way, walk in it." (Isa. 30:21) Praying God's Word Day by Day, Beth Moore"

Our story of Mo Ranch, in pictures:

2008

Sunday morning chapel service - our girl was tuckered out.

2009

One of my all time favorite Mo Ranch pictures..

Tadpoles, frogs and minnows were always fun to catch.

Chapel service - yes, tuckered out again!

2012

My love for these two simply can't be put into words....

2014

Old friends and new

New Adventures! (look closely - there are ladies coming down that hill!)

The view from our patio

1 Chronicles 16:34

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!