The MRI went very well this morning. It was an early, early morning and once we arrived, we waited for over 30 minutes to be called back. While Amanda was nervous about the scans and shed the anticipated tears, she did a great job with the whole process.
The scans this morning were only of the brain instead of a full spine and brain scan. Because of that, the actual MRI did not take very long. Our favorite charge nurse was in recovery and as always, it was great to see a familiar, friendly face. Amanda came out of the anesthesia very well and we were on our way home by 9:30! Once again, the people at Dell were amazing and took very good care of all of us.
Thank you for all of the messages of encouragement and prayers for our family this morning. Please keep us in your prayers as we wait for and go to tomorrow's appointment. As I'm sure I have mentioned before, we will find out the results of the MRI and Amanda will receive her antibiotic infusion along with her large dose of Benedryl. The appointment is at 10:00 and I am very thankful for another early appointment! (Only so I don't have to wake up and wait....)
The rest of our day today will be spent quietly at home. Tomorrow will be another big day and we are all exhausted from this morning. I just have to say, getting up at 4:15 in the morning is for the birds!
Philippians 4:4-8
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally,
brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there
is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about
these things.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
The big day is upon us! Tomorrow- MRI day
Just like that, Monday is upon us. We have a 5:45 a.m. arrival time for her MRI. Wowzers. Well, at least Amanda won't have to worry about fasting! And I am glad to get it done early in the day.
Amanda has had a pretty rough week. Most of it was spent in bed and now she has somehow re injured her groin muscle that she aggravated some months ago. She was sick a few times this week at very odd times so I was never expecting it. She did have some times where she felt better and was able to get out of bed to watch Duck Dynasty with the family or play a couple hands of Nerds.
As I think about tomorrow, my mind goes back to where we were last year at this time. We were preparing to start round two of her chemo treatment on July 10. Her weight was a huge issue and we were unsuccessfully trying to put the pounds on her. (Still having issues with that right now!) That first cycle really threw us for a loop. The medication hit her and hit her hard. That was totally unexpected and we were totally unprepared. I can vividly remember those days because they were so intense and full of worry and concern.
At this time last year, the Cherry's were at Lawler for revival and we were able to make most of the services. This past week, the Cherry's were back for revival, but because of how Amanda felt, we were not able to make a single service. She was crushed. We all enjoy going back to Lawler for their Summer Revival, but this year it simply wasn't possible.
A portion of my post from last year:
When I start to feel overwhelmed of this battle, I love referencing the Old Testament scriptures such as Deuteronomy 20:3-4 that spoke to the Israelites about going into battle and the reminder it is to me of the powerful God we serve.
Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.
Speaking of facing the battle, I am so glad that I don't have to try and find the strength to face each day on my own power. I would fail miserably. Recently, I have needed to focus on these scriptures, and many more, as the feelings of frustration and helplessness often try to creep in and dominate my thoughts. I am thankful for His truth that I can lean on and trust in during those times.
Isaiah 40:30-31 beautifully reminds me where my strength is found.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint
Back to present day. Isn't it strange that those thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing a year ago have not really changed much? This sounds strange, but I think relating our lives to a hamster wheel is a great analogy. There are times I felt like we were simply repeating experiences over and over, but not really going anywhere. I was okay with that because we were fighting the cancer. Now that treatment is over, the wheel is gone and I'm a little lost on what to do next.
We won't be actively fighting this disease that we know is aggressive. Even though I struggled with not being able to "schedule" things, treatment still gave me stability in the fact that we were doing something. So as we go through these next two days, my prayer is that we will get clarity on where we go from here. In my picture perfect world, it would be that the cancer is gone and that it doesn't dare show it's face again. We don't live in a picture perfect world, so that might not be the case. But I am still going to pray for complete healing in my daughter's life.
I can honestly say, right now, I am peaceful about tomorrow and Tuesday, yet at the same time, panic is always at the edge. And yes, those two emotions are pretty crazy bumping against each other. The thing is, I am ready and excited about this week finally being here. I want to see how effective the last twelve months of treatment have been on the tumor and the other "area." At the same time, I realize that the news may not be what we want to hear....hence the panic threatening to come in. It is a comfort to know that God is in control and He already knows the outcome of this MRI. His plan is perfect and I can trust Him to equip me to face whatever may come.
So to close today's post, one more blast from the past that still applies today:
I have recently had several friends text me to see how I am doing and remind me they are praying for us. What an encouragement. I strongly believe, trust and rely on the power of prayer. I realize looking in on a situation like ours, it is often hard to know how to help, but never forget that first and foremost, the most important thing you can do for our family is pray for us.
As I look at all the various ways our family has been blessed during the past four months (today it is more like fifteen months!), it is my prayer that your actions and outpouring of love will impact someone. I hope it will cause someone to ask who this Savior is who gives us hope and peace during a time that could be dominated by fear and pain. What a wonderful thing it would be for something eternal to come from this journey - beauty from the ashes. As for our family, we are forever touched and blessed by how you continue to minister to us in so many ways. We appreciate it more than I can put into words.
Amanda has had a pretty rough week. Most of it was spent in bed and now she has somehow re injured her groin muscle that she aggravated some months ago. She was sick a few times this week at very odd times so I was never expecting it. She did have some times where she felt better and was able to get out of bed to watch Duck Dynasty with the family or play a couple hands of Nerds.
As I think about tomorrow, my mind goes back to where we were last year at this time. We were preparing to start round two of her chemo treatment on July 10. Her weight was a huge issue and we were unsuccessfully trying to put the pounds on her. (Still having issues with that right now!) That first cycle really threw us for a loop. The medication hit her and hit her hard. That was totally unexpected and we were totally unprepared. I can vividly remember those days because they were so intense and full of worry and concern.
At this time last year, the Cherry's were at Lawler for revival and we were able to make most of the services. This past week, the Cherry's were back for revival, but because of how Amanda felt, we were not able to make a single service. She was crushed. We all enjoy going back to Lawler for their Summer Revival, but this year it simply wasn't possible.
A portion of my post from last year:
When I start to feel overwhelmed of this battle, I love referencing the Old Testament scriptures such as Deuteronomy 20:3-4 that spoke to the Israelites about going into battle and the reminder it is to me of the powerful God we serve.
Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.
Speaking of facing the battle, I am so glad that I don't have to try and find the strength to face each day on my own power. I would fail miserably. Recently, I have needed to focus on these scriptures, and many more, as the feelings of frustration and helplessness often try to creep in and dominate my thoughts. I am thankful for His truth that I can lean on and trust in during those times.
Isaiah 40:30-31 beautifully reminds me where my strength is found.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint
Back to present day. Isn't it strange that those thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing a year ago have not really changed much? This sounds strange, but I think relating our lives to a hamster wheel is a great analogy. There are times I felt like we were simply repeating experiences over and over, but not really going anywhere. I was okay with that because we were fighting the cancer. Now that treatment is over, the wheel is gone and I'm a little lost on what to do next.
We won't be actively fighting this disease that we know is aggressive. Even though I struggled with not being able to "schedule" things, treatment still gave me stability in the fact that we were doing something. So as we go through these next two days, my prayer is that we will get clarity on where we go from here. In my picture perfect world, it would be that the cancer is gone and that it doesn't dare show it's face again. We don't live in a picture perfect world, so that might not be the case. But I am still going to pray for complete healing in my daughter's life.
I can honestly say, right now, I am peaceful about tomorrow and Tuesday, yet at the same time, panic is always at the edge. And yes, those two emotions are pretty crazy bumping against each other. The thing is, I am ready and excited about this week finally being here. I want to see how effective the last twelve months of treatment have been on the tumor and the other "area." At the same time, I realize that the news may not be what we want to hear....hence the panic threatening to come in. It is a comfort to know that God is in control and He already knows the outcome of this MRI. His plan is perfect and I can trust Him to equip me to face whatever may come.
So to close today's post, one more blast from the past that still applies today:
I have recently had several friends text me to see how I am doing and remind me they are praying for us. What an encouragement. I strongly believe, trust and rely on the power of prayer. I realize looking in on a situation like ours, it is often hard to know how to help, but never forget that first and foremost, the most important thing you can do for our family is pray for us.
As I look at all the various ways our family has been blessed during the past four months (today it is more like fifteen months!), it is my prayer that your actions and outpouring of love will impact someone. I hope it will cause someone to ask who this Savior is who gives us hope and peace during a time that could be dominated by fear and pain. What a wonderful thing it would be for something eternal to come from this journey - beauty from the ashes. As for our family, we are forever touched and blessed by how you continue to minister to us in so many ways. We appreciate it more than I can put into words.
Psalm 112:6-8
Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
they will be remembered forever.
They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.
they will be remembered forever.
They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Our week so far: her last ride at ROCK, and one of those days...
Amanda has pretty much stayed the same in terms of her energy level. We are not seeing any major improvement, but at the same time, thankfully she is not getting worse.
She made it to her ROCK lesson on Tuesday, the last one for this year. Sandra rode with her again in her lesson but unfortunately, Amanda didn't last more than twenty minutes. They started off playing Red light, Green light, which she was looking forward to. With another horse in the game, it made it that much more fun! After the game, as they were riding out to the outdoor Classic ROCK arena, she said her chest and side were hurting. She was so uncomfortable that she decided to end it early. While I was very proud of her for making that decision on her own, I was also sad for her that she didn't get to ride for the full lesson. We did go see Romeo before we left and would you believe that goofy horse has hurt himself AGAIN?! He sure is something else! Amanda got to love on him a little and that always brightens her day.
After ROCK, we came home so she could rest. As it has been from the very beginning, home is very important to her. It is where she finds comfort, recharges and can completely relax. While the morning started off with me concerned about her, once we were home and she settled in, I could see that she was feeling much better. So much better, I thought we might need to take advantage and go squeeze in one more swim this week while we had a free afternoon. As always, that was a great thing for her.
Wednesday was one of those days for me. I was in tears for much of the day. No specific reason. Nothing going on to cause concern. Reality hit me and I was so overwhelmed that it spilled over despite my efforts to stay in control. There are days it is not worth the fight, just bring on the tears. So most of my day was spent crying on Tom's shoulder and ducking into closets or the laundry room when the tears would come. I did spend some time at the school office in the afternoon to help with a project. I was thankful it was only office staff there! They are all used to my tears since I've shed plenty of them in the office through the years. I sure do love those ladies and appreciate how they love me in return.
I'm happy to say that I woke up feeling much better this morning. His mercies are new....
I am trying to keep the MRI in it's proper place as Monday gets closer. I'm trying not to allow myself to get anxious, but instead stay focused on how well Amanda is clinically doing and anticipate a great report. We can't do anything about the MRI, one way or another. What we can do is pray. In my head I know all the right answers and all the right ways to handle the stress and emotions. But seriously, sometimes the truth of what we are facing and dealing with simply crashes over me and feels so big.
I read a quote the other day, and I am paraphrasing the statement, but it said something along the lines of "There is no better place than the unknown. That is where we are closest to God." How true, but also how scary. For years God has been pulling me out of my comfort zone and to be honest, I don't like it very much. Whether it was at work with the different roles I filled, or when we moved churches from Lawler to Crestview, or when Tom went on a mission trip to Africa, and he flew for the first time, ever, alone...I was always being moved out of where I felt 'safe.' Over and over God has been prying my fingers away from the comfortable while slowly leading me into the unknown. And in every situation, He has been faithful.
Trusting God has been a constant choice throughout this journey. Complete and total trust is not always easy for me, but I don't know how I could walk this path without it.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
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| Good ole' Oakey |
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| Red light....Green light... |
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| A little competition makes everything more fun! |
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| And this is where the class ended... |
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| As we were watching Amanda, Shimmer tried to sneak up on me! That little rascal almost succeeded! |
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| Telling Oakey thank you for the ride. |
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| Amanda, Kristin and a little something we painted for her at the pottery shop. It was very small way to tell her 'Thank you for a great year!' |
So here is something I found pretty funny. I have taken our family
pictures since the kids were babies. You can see that they are used to
it because I kept being asked to 'Take a picture of this pose" from
Amanda and Brandon was more than happy to provide me with action shots so I could get plenty of bubble
pictures.
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 |
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Monday, June 23, 2014
A rough start to our Monday
Amanda has felt bad the past few days. Thankfully it is nothing new or too serious. She has had headaches and according to her, she has felt "blah" all over. Simply getting out of bed is a challenge for her. Her legs are weak and she has no energy, so she tires out quickly. She does have times when she will get up and come play cards or sit in her chair and paint, but she always ends up going back to bed after awhile. This morning, she was sick...never saw that one coming. Even her side effects from chemo don't stick to a schedule anymore!
This week will be Amanda's last lesson at ROCK for the summer. While she is not thrilled about that, knowing that she can go and visit Romeo helps. He is still recovering from various issues and we hope he is ready for her to ride in the fall. And there is always her sweet Georgie to go see and ride.
Other than ROCK, we have a quiet week, which is a good thing. I get the feeling that we may have a rocky two weeks ahead of us as we enter this last phase of her chemo cycle. The "blahs" may rule our days. I am so thankful that there is not another chemo cycle coming at us. I love the thought of thinking of days and weeks on their own rather than part of a "chemo cycle." Often I catch myself looking ahead to July or August and thinking "Well, she will start chemo that week." I wonder how long I will continue doing that?
Please pray for our girl. Pray that she will defy the "trends" we have seen in the past with her counts during week three and four and that she will instead have more energy over the next two weeks. Pray for her spirit (and ours!) to stay strong and that we can all keep a positive attitude as we round this last corner of her chemo treatment and hit the home stretch. I love how close we are to calling this done!
Psalm 119:14
You are my hiding place and shield; I hope in your word.
This week will be Amanda's last lesson at ROCK for the summer. While she is not thrilled about that, knowing that she can go and visit Romeo helps. He is still recovering from various issues and we hope he is ready for her to ride in the fall. And there is always her sweet Georgie to go see and ride.
Other than ROCK, we have a quiet week, which is a good thing. I get the feeling that we may have a rocky two weeks ahead of us as we enter this last phase of her chemo cycle. The "blahs" may rule our days. I am so thankful that there is not another chemo cycle coming at us. I love the thought of thinking of days and weeks on their own rather than part of a "chemo cycle." Often I catch myself looking ahead to July or August and thinking "Well, she will start chemo that week." I wonder how long I will continue doing that?
Please pray for our girl. Pray that she will defy the "trends" we have seen in the past with her counts during week three and four and that she will instead have more energy over the next two weeks. Pray for her spirit (and ours!) to stay strong and that we can all keep a positive attitude as we round this last corner of her chemo treatment and hit the home stretch. I love how close we are to calling this done!
Psalm 119:14
You are my hiding place and shield; I hope in your word.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
What a week. Chemo cycle twelve is done!
Our week started off with Amanda's physical therapy appointment on Monday. We got there and Amanda had no energy. None. She had trouble doing the full sets of exercises and would get a little too pale for my liking. So immediately I began wondering if her counts were already starting to drop! Thankfully, by the time we got in the car and started home her coloring had come back. Amanda said her legs just didn't have the energy to do anything after starting off the session walking six minutes on the treadmill. Our girl doesn't have much endurance at this point. We did go for a swim that evening and as always, she really enjoyed that!
Going into Tuesday, I thought that she would probably not make it to ROCK. She did! Not only did she make the lesson, but for the first time in weeks she lasted for the entire lesson, helped un-tack Oakey and then walked him out the his pasture! I was thrilled with what she was able to do. She had a great lesson, did very well, and endured. That was a good day.
Yesterday was her appointment with Dr. Harrod. Getting accessed was very stressful for Amanda, but that seems like the norm here lately. On day one of cycle twelve she had a pretty rough accessing experience that lasted even once she was started on fluids. Her port area just hurt. Thankfully, unlike last time, she calmed down quickly after she was accessed and did great for the rest of the time there. Counts came back looking good. We were there a loooong time considering it was supposed to be our "short" day. I have learned to stay flexible when it comes to her appointment days. Nothing is set in stone.
We did get some very good news while at Dr. Harrod's regarding Amanda's MRI on June 30. We are going in the next day, July 1 to get the results instead of waiting until July 8!! I realize that may not seem like a huge deal, but the challenge of "waiting" a week for the scan results is excruciatingly difficult for me.
Yesterday was Amanda's last medication of cycle twelve. Twelve cycles of chemotherapy are done. As of the last MRI three months ago, there is no active tumor. Praise God. What an amazing journey we have been on. Even though there is an "area" they are watching, I am still so incredibly thankful for where we are today and how well Amanda is doing.
Amanda's day yesterday was one of accomplishment. In spite of the nerves and apprehension, she faced her fears and got the job done. Twelve chemotherapy cycles completed. I'm so proud of her.
Please pray for her upcoming MRI. Pray that the tumor is still not only not active, but gone. I know that technically, brain tumors don't go away, but our God is big. He can do anything. :) Pray that the new area they are watching will be clear. Wouldn't that be an awesome thing?! Above all, pray that God's will be done in Amanda's life. My waiting will be with eager anticipation of what God will do in Amanda's life, and I'm praying that the MRI will be the first step of her new journey.
God's mercies are new each day, His love is never ending.
Praising Him for a new day.
Psalm 107:1
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.
Going into Tuesday, I thought that she would probably not make it to ROCK. She did! Not only did she make the lesson, but for the first time in weeks she lasted for the entire lesson, helped un-tack Oakey and then walked him out the his pasture! I was thrilled with what she was able to do. She had a great lesson, did very well, and endured. That was a good day.
Yesterday was her appointment with Dr. Harrod. Getting accessed was very stressful for Amanda, but that seems like the norm here lately. On day one of cycle twelve she had a pretty rough accessing experience that lasted even once she was started on fluids. Her port area just hurt. Thankfully, unlike last time, she calmed down quickly after she was accessed and did great for the rest of the time there. Counts came back looking good. We were there a loooong time considering it was supposed to be our "short" day. I have learned to stay flexible when it comes to her appointment days. Nothing is set in stone.
We did get some very good news while at Dr. Harrod's regarding Amanda's MRI on June 30. We are going in the next day, July 1 to get the results instead of waiting until July 8!! I realize that may not seem like a huge deal, but the challenge of "waiting" a week for the scan results is excruciatingly difficult for me.
Yesterday was Amanda's last medication of cycle twelve. Twelve cycles of chemotherapy are done. As of the last MRI three months ago, there is no active tumor. Praise God. What an amazing journey we have been on. Even though there is an "area" they are watching, I am still so incredibly thankful for where we are today and how well Amanda is doing.
Amanda's day yesterday was one of accomplishment. In spite of the nerves and apprehension, she faced her fears and got the job done. Twelve chemotherapy cycles completed. I'm so proud of her.
Please pray for her upcoming MRI. Pray that the tumor is still not only not active, but gone. I know that technically, brain tumors don't go away, but our God is big. He can do anything. :) Pray that the new area they are watching will be clear. Wouldn't that be an awesome thing?! Above all, pray that God's will be done in Amanda's life. My waiting will be with eager anticipation of what God will do in Amanda's life, and I'm praying that the MRI will be the first step of her new journey.
God's mercies are new each day, His love is never ending.
Praising Him for a new day.
Psalm 107:1
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.
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| Getting ready to ride! |
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| I adore this picture. Seriously. She looks so comfortable and happy on the back of Oakey. |
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| Amanda and Sandra Jo are two peas in a pod. |
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| It was a beautiful day for a ride. |
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| YES! I got a smile! |
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| Playing "Red Light, Green Light" cowboy style. |
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| I'll never get tired of seeing that smile. |
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| Two laps to cool down + independent riding = one happy girl. |
Monday, June 16, 2014
Our week ahead
Amanda is still feeling pretty good. She even got to ride Saturday evening at ROCK in a volunteer training class. It was hot, but she loved it. I'm so glad that she got the chance to spend some time on a horse.
We celebrated Father's Day with Thomas Saturday since he worked yesterday. On Sunday morning, the kids and I surprised my dad by showing up at Lawler for church. It was a nice "Father's Day weekend" for our family.
This week Amanda has physical therapy, her ROCK lesson and, drum roll please: her last Avastin infusion! She may or may not receive her WBC booster shot, depending on what Dr. Harrod decides. I anticipate Amanda will get the shot, but I know Amanda hopes that she won't! While there are still some variables out there as far as any "continued treatment" that Amanda might have (mainly the antibiotic infusion since her white blood cell count was so low in the beginning) this is technically the last medication of cycle twelve! Time for some more celebrating!
The pictures from our cousin swim are below. The kids had the camera and took some fun pictures.
Happy Monday to everyone - have a great week!
Psalm 118:24
This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
We celebrated Father's Day with Thomas Saturday since he worked yesterday. On Sunday morning, the kids and I surprised my dad by showing up at Lawler for church. It was a nice "Father's Day weekend" for our family.
This week Amanda has physical therapy, her ROCK lesson and, drum roll please: her last Avastin infusion! She may or may not receive her WBC booster shot, depending on what Dr. Harrod decides. I anticipate Amanda will get the shot, but I know Amanda hopes that she won't! While there are still some variables out there as far as any "continued treatment" that Amanda might have (mainly the antibiotic infusion since her white blood cell count was so low in the beginning) this is technically the last medication of cycle twelve! Time for some more celebrating!
The pictures from our cousin swim are below. The kids had the camera and took some fun pictures.
Happy Monday to everyone - have a great week!
Psalm 118:24
This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
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| Me and my daddy on Father's Day. |
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| I am convinced this girl is part fish!! |
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| Chillin' in the hot tub |
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| Love, love, love this pic! So funny - Brandon is sneaking up on Ryan. |
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| This boy takes great pictures - both underwater and above! |
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| Bubbles! |
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| Apparently, this is what it looks like trying to dunk someone that is much, much taller than you... |
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| More bubbles! The kids were making fun of me because I go on and on about how cool the pictures are when there are bubbles in it. They just look so cool! |
Saturday, June 14, 2014
The one where I pour my heart out...
The last two days have been good for Amanda. She is starting to feel better and you can see the change in her personality as well. She just seems happy. Simple as that. I'm praying for a good week of her feeling well before her counts start to tumble. No surprise, we have done a little swimming with the cousins and Amanda has even had a play date! (You know me and my camera. Swimming pictures to come soon!) I am thrilled with the normalcy of life right now.
I made two comments in my last post that I would like to go a little deeper with because they tie together so importantly in this crazy life I am living. From day one I have tried to be brutally honest and transparent in this blog. I feel the need to clarify and share what is on my heart in case I have ever painted an inaccurate picture of who I am and what I feel. Yes, I really do always come back to thanking God for the blessings in my life and I work hard at staying positive. But there are those days...
So grab a cup of coffee and find a good reading spot. It's a long one today.
There are two particular statements have been rolling around my mind since I last posted and I felt the need to revisit them and share....so bear with me as I unpack my thoughts today.
"Even with cancer, even with the emotions, fear and uncertainty that goes along with it, I can honestly say life is good."
"I'm so thankful for the foundation of faith that goes back to my childhood."
I'll begin with that first statement, "life is good." Sounds crazy to say while my daughter is fighting brain cancer, I know, but hear me out.
Let me start off by saying I hate cancer. It is a terrible, heartbreaking and destructive disease. Each case is different, each person is different. Our paths with this disease might start out at the same place with a cancer diagnosis, but from there we each go our own way and fight our own fight. This is my child, my baby girl, with cancer. No matter how much I try to honestly share my thoughts and emotions, I won't ever be able to accurately describe what having a child with brain cancer is like and how it changes life as you know it, forever. It goes too deep and is too strong for words.
As I have said numerous times before, I am an emotional person. I am a crier. When I am happy, sad, mad, nervous, frustrated, you name it and the tears are never far behind those emotions and I don't hide it well. Bless my husband's heart. I have gotten better with age, but oh my - I still sometimes feel like I have a roller coaster of emotions in my mind set to warp speed. Add cancer to that mix and oy vey. (In case you don't speak fluent Yiddish, that translates as 'Woe is me.')
Since I am being painfully honest, my deepest fear, and this goes back to my childhood, is losing someone that I love before I am ready. I know that is not a very rational fear, because we are never promised tomorrow and that is something out of our control, but there it is. The hard part is that now I walk with that fear right in front of my face every day and it takes constant awareness and faith to not be consumed by it. (This is when the "background music" of my constant prayers come into the picture.) God has given me the solid footing I need to face that fear and deal with it, but man, what an exhausting mental battle it has been over these past fifteen months. Having said that, the beautiful side of it is that my faith has grown and my trust has deepened. Beauty from the ashes.
Now let me talk about my need for control. If there has been one thing that has been a repeat struggle, it is my need to plan and schedule life. Cancer has stolen that ability from me and it has been a wall that I push against again and again. It felt like the last piece of 'control' I had, and even that has been taken away. It sometimes reminds me of a parent taking a toy away from their toddler because they keep managing to hit themselves in the face with it. The tantrum that follows is exactly how I feel sometimes. I want to stomp my foot and belligerently, tearfully demand that I get my calendar back. Silly, isn't it? We have all seen how well that one has worked out over the last fifteen months....
The love and support we have received, and are still receiving is too amazing. I don't have enough words to say how grateful and touched we are by the generosity shown to our family. This has been a very long journey, both in time and in emotion, yet you have stuck with us. You have continued to bless us in so many ways that I wonder how in the world you are not tired of us!! For goodness sakes, I'm tired of us! Time and time again you assure me that Team Watson is still in your prayers. For that alone, I am forever grateful. Then there are the material gifts that you have blessed us with and continue to bless our family with allowing us to make memories we otherwise never would have been able to experience. The love that has been poured out over the last fifteen months has been soaked up and enjoyed to the fullest. Saying 'thank you' doesn't feel like it is enough.
I am so tired. I'm tired of everything - of us, of cancer, of the unknown...the list could go on and on. It is more emotional than physical these days, but every day I wake up and thank God for His new mercies for that day. I don't have the ability to do it on my own. I want our "normal" life back. Cancer is something that once it comes into your life, it never really goes away. That feeling of looking behind you to see if it is creeping up on you is always there, in the back of your mind. I think because of that, the importance of living day by day becomes a necessity. And that is where the "life is good" part comes in. Learning to only live in the day, not worry about what tomorrow may bring, or those future MRI results and simply staying in this day allows me to focus on my family and live life fully. At the end of the day, the blessings that we experience are abundant. You learn to see them everywhere and whether that is baking cookies, folding clothes together, or taking a trip, you are thankful. And that is an amazing thing.
And now to my foundation. Many times you will hear someone say, "I can look back and see why things happened in my life for a reason." I have personally made that statement a number of times. Nothing can prepare you for the news we received a little over a year ago, but Tom and I can look over the last three years in our lives and see how God has been strengthening us for this experience.
But more important than any event or experience, it is our personal relationship with Jesus Christ, our foundation, that is the reason we can walk our path with joy and hope.
I can honestly say I have never questioned "Why?" For me personally, that is not a productive question. It is not worth the energy and emotion that goes with it. I may never know why, and that is okay. My goal in life is to glorify God in all that I say and do. My path changed and simply got a whole lot rockier on February 27, 2013, but my goal has never wavered.
I want God to use my family during this time to be a light on the hill. I want us to shine the light of Jesus Christ in the darkness no matter how ugly or hard life is. I never want anyone to think that I am oblivious to the reality of what we are dealing with. Far from it. I hurt, fear, cry and sometimes completely crumble. I crumble more often than I could put into words. But when that happens, praise God, I usually find myself flat on my face on my foundation. And it is there, on my foundation, that I am closer to God than before. His grace goes so deep, that even when I fall, I simply find myself deeper in His embrace, and life is good.
For us, we know of no other way to live life than to put our trust and faith in God and give Him all the glory. In all things. Even cancer.
Never Once by Matt Redman
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
I made two comments in my last post that I would like to go a little deeper with because they tie together so importantly in this crazy life I am living. From day one I have tried to be brutally honest and transparent in this blog. I feel the need to clarify and share what is on my heart in case I have ever painted an inaccurate picture of who I am and what I feel. Yes, I really do always come back to thanking God for the blessings in my life and I work hard at staying positive. But there are those days...
So grab a cup of coffee and find a good reading spot. It's a long one today.
There are two particular statements have been rolling around my mind since I last posted and I felt the need to revisit them and share....so bear with me as I unpack my thoughts today.
"Even with cancer, even with the emotions, fear and uncertainty that goes along with it, I can honestly say life is good."
"I'm so thankful for the foundation of faith that goes back to my childhood."
I'll begin with that first statement, "life is good." Sounds crazy to say while my daughter is fighting brain cancer, I know, but hear me out.
Let me start off by saying I hate cancer. It is a terrible, heartbreaking and destructive disease. Each case is different, each person is different. Our paths with this disease might start out at the same place with a cancer diagnosis, but from there we each go our own way and fight our own fight. This is my child, my baby girl, with cancer. No matter how much I try to honestly share my thoughts and emotions, I won't ever be able to accurately describe what having a child with brain cancer is like and how it changes life as you know it, forever. It goes too deep and is too strong for words.
As I have said numerous times before, I am an emotional person. I am a crier. When I am happy, sad, mad, nervous, frustrated, you name it and the tears are never far behind those emotions and I don't hide it well. Bless my husband's heart. I have gotten better with age, but oh my - I still sometimes feel like I have a roller coaster of emotions in my mind set to warp speed. Add cancer to that mix and oy vey. (In case you don't speak fluent Yiddish, that translates as 'Woe is me.')
Since I am being painfully honest, my deepest fear, and this goes back to my childhood, is losing someone that I love before I am ready. I know that is not a very rational fear, because we are never promised tomorrow and that is something out of our control, but there it is. The hard part is that now I walk with that fear right in front of my face every day and it takes constant awareness and faith to not be consumed by it. (This is when the "background music" of my constant prayers come into the picture.) God has given me the solid footing I need to face that fear and deal with it, but man, what an exhausting mental battle it has been over these past fifteen months. Having said that, the beautiful side of it is that my faith has grown and my trust has deepened. Beauty from the ashes.
Now let me talk about my need for control. If there has been one thing that has been a repeat struggle, it is my need to plan and schedule life. Cancer has stolen that ability from me and it has been a wall that I push against again and again. It felt like the last piece of 'control' I had, and even that has been taken away. It sometimes reminds me of a parent taking a toy away from their toddler because they keep managing to hit themselves in the face with it. The tantrum that follows is exactly how I feel sometimes. I want to stomp my foot and belligerently, tearfully demand that I get my calendar back. Silly, isn't it? We have all seen how well that one has worked out over the last fifteen months....
The love and support we have received, and are still receiving is too amazing. I don't have enough words to say how grateful and touched we are by the generosity shown to our family. This has been a very long journey, both in time and in emotion, yet you have stuck with us. You have continued to bless us in so many ways that I wonder how in the world you are not tired of us!! For goodness sakes, I'm tired of us! Time and time again you assure me that Team Watson is still in your prayers. For that alone, I am forever grateful. Then there are the material gifts that you have blessed us with and continue to bless our family with allowing us to make memories we otherwise never would have been able to experience. The love that has been poured out over the last fifteen months has been soaked up and enjoyed to the fullest. Saying 'thank you' doesn't feel like it is enough.
I am so tired. I'm tired of everything - of us, of cancer, of the unknown...the list could go on and on. It is more emotional than physical these days, but every day I wake up and thank God for His new mercies for that day. I don't have the ability to do it on my own. I want our "normal" life back. Cancer is something that once it comes into your life, it never really goes away. That feeling of looking behind you to see if it is creeping up on you is always there, in the back of your mind. I think because of that, the importance of living day by day becomes a necessity. And that is where the "life is good" part comes in. Learning to only live in the day, not worry about what tomorrow may bring, or those future MRI results and simply staying in this day allows me to focus on my family and live life fully. At the end of the day, the blessings that we experience are abundant. You learn to see them everywhere and whether that is baking cookies, folding clothes together, or taking a trip, you are thankful. And that is an amazing thing.
And now to my foundation. Many times you will hear someone say, "I can look back and see why things happened in my life for a reason." I have personally made that statement a number of times. Nothing can prepare you for the news we received a little over a year ago, but Tom and I can look over the last three years in our lives and see how God has been strengthening us for this experience.
But more important than any event or experience, it is our personal relationship with Jesus Christ, our foundation, that is the reason we can walk our path with joy and hope.
I can honestly say I have never questioned "Why?" For me personally, that is not a productive question. It is not worth the energy and emotion that goes with it. I may never know why, and that is okay. My goal in life is to glorify God in all that I say and do. My path changed and simply got a whole lot rockier on February 27, 2013, but my goal has never wavered.
I want God to use my family during this time to be a light on the hill. I want us to shine the light of Jesus Christ in the darkness no matter how ugly or hard life is. I never want anyone to think that I am oblivious to the reality of what we are dealing with. Far from it. I hurt, fear, cry and sometimes completely crumble. I crumble more often than I could put into words. But when that happens, praise God, I usually find myself flat on my face on my foundation. And it is there, on my foundation, that I am closer to God than before. His grace goes so deep, that even when I fall, I simply find myself deeper in His embrace, and life is good.
For us, we know of no other way to live life than to put our trust and faith in God and give Him all the glory. In all things. Even cancer.
Never Once by Matt Redman
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Exodus 14:14
The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.
Psalm 20:7
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Chemo may be done, but...
Tonight, my mind is racing in ten directions at once, so my apologies if this sounds jumbled and out of sorts....
I was asked today if the party is still on at our house. The answer to that is yes and no. While we are definitely grateful that Amanda has completed her twelfth out of twelve cycles of chemo, we are still technically in the treatment phase and that has hit home these past few days. This week she continues to be very tired and physically weak. Staying up and about is challenging for her because she has no energy. This morning, she woke up and was sick first thing. Today is WEDNESDAY! Her last chemo meds were taken Sunday night - I thought she was in the clear. Like always, she was a trooper and had a great attitude despite the horrible start.
The ups and downs of this week feel like they have been to the extreme. I realize this may be a little exaggerated, but it feels like we are celebrating, then consoling, then back to celebrating and right back to consoling. Amanda wants to be able to go places and do things but she physically can't do much. Thankfully, she knows and understands that she still has the completion of this cycle to deal with and it all the physical "yuck" it brings, but it doesn't always make things easier. The one things that is for sure, these last three days have been a roller coaster of emotion for Amanda, and of course, I am right there alongside her.
I almost find it comical at how sensitive I still am to any and all physical complaints from Amanda. Anything that is different or new to me, I zone in on her. She can read me so well that she will tell me - "Mom, I've felt this way this before." Today we talked about platelet levels and transfusions, a rather interesting talk to have with your ten year old and one that I wish was never necessary. We have often talked about where her white blood cell count is and if her body has the ability to fight viruses. For the most part, she takes it all in stride when we limit her activities because of where her body is at that time. She knows way more than she should for a kid her age.
The one thing Amanda can do even when feeling weak is swim. Being weightless is a good thing for her. I love to see her in the water and swimming is a great "normal" thing for her to do.
The MRI at the end of June has become a huge wall in my mind. Nothing gets past that. For me, the focus on living in the day is laser sharp. I still do my best to live one day at a time, enjoying that day as much as we possibly can, making beautiful memories and not sweating the small stuff. The pictures below are of us enjoying the small things and making beautiful memories.
Despite where we are and what we have gone through with the unknown still before us, our family has so much to be thankful for. Even with cancer, even with the emotions, fear and uncertainty that goes along with it, I can honestly say life is good.
I just heard the song below as I was typing this....it made me stop, close my eyes and sing along. I'm so thankful for the foundation of faith that goes back to my childhood. Both Thomas and I are blessed to have parents that raised us to love the Lord with all our hearts, with all our souls, with all our strength and with all our minds. I can't imagine this life without the unending love of our Savior.
Thankful, blessed, and loved.
One Thing Remains
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
I was asked today if the party is still on at our house. The answer to that is yes and no. While we are definitely grateful that Amanda has completed her twelfth out of twelve cycles of chemo, we are still technically in the treatment phase and that has hit home these past few days. This week she continues to be very tired and physically weak. Staying up and about is challenging for her because she has no energy. This morning, she woke up and was sick first thing. Today is WEDNESDAY! Her last chemo meds were taken Sunday night - I thought she was in the clear. Like always, she was a trooper and had a great attitude despite the horrible start.
The ups and downs of this week feel like they have been to the extreme. I realize this may be a little exaggerated, but it feels like we are celebrating, then consoling, then back to celebrating and right back to consoling. Amanda wants to be able to go places and do things but she physically can't do much. Thankfully, she knows and understands that she still has the completion of this cycle to deal with and it all the physical "yuck" it brings, but it doesn't always make things easier. The one things that is for sure, these last three days have been a roller coaster of emotion for Amanda, and of course, I am right there alongside her.
I almost find it comical at how sensitive I still am to any and all physical complaints from Amanda. Anything that is different or new to me, I zone in on her. She can read me so well that she will tell me - "Mom, I've felt this way this before." Today we talked about platelet levels and transfusions, a rather interesting talk to have with your ten year old and one that I wish was never necessary. We have often talked about where her white blood cell count is and if her body has the ability to fight viruses. For the most part, she takes it all in stride when we limit her activities because of where her body is at that time. She knows way more than she should for a kid her age.
The one thing Amanda can do even when feeling weak is swim. Being weightless is a good thing for her. I love to see her in the water and swimming is a great "normal" thing for her to do.
The MRI at the end of June has become a huge wall in my mind. Nothing gets past that. For me, the focus on living in the day is laser sharp. I still do my best to live one day at a time, enjoying that day as much as we possibly can, making beautiful memories and not sweating the small stuff. The pictures below are of us enjoying the small things and making beautiful memories.
Despite where we are and what we have gone through with the unknown still before us, our family has so much to be thankful for. Even with cancer, even with the emotions, fear and uncertainty that goes along with it, I can honestly say life is good.
I just heard the song below as I was typing this....it made me stop, close my eyes and sing along. I'm so thankful for the foundation of faith that goes back to my childhood. Both Thomas and I are blessed to have parents that raised us to love the Lord with all our hearts, with all our souls, with all our strength and with all our minds. I can't imagine this life without the unending love of our Savior.
Thankful, blessed, and loved.
One Thing Remains
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Psalm 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
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| A surprise visit from a few of her cousins on day one of cycle twelve! |
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| Nothing can make you smile like a puppy... |
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| ..except maybe a baby deer! |
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| And now, some more pictures from a swim. Fun in the pool for Team Watson |
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| I love these two precious kiddos so much! |
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| An underwater selfie! :) |
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