Today is a Team Watson and ROCK day...

This morning I had the honor to share Amanda's story and her love of ROCK with the students from The Dance Gallery while they visited and toured ROCK. 

What an amazing group!!

Introducing our sweet Romeo and sharing stories of Amanda and Romeo.

There are numerous things about ROCK that make it incredibly special; from the people to the horses.  This special lady, Kristin, was on Amanda's team and is just like family.  I love how much she loved my girl! The feeling was mutual...

Please make plans to attend the dance concert on February 13th at the Raymond E Hartfield PAC!  
All proceeds benefit R.O.C.K.  Again, thank you Dance Gallery!

Tonight, I also have the privilege to help represent ROCK at the Southwestern Pirates Men's Basketball game to accept funds raised by the Student Athlete Advisory Committee (SAAC) on behalf of ROCK.  It is a huge honor to continue to be a part of the family at ROCK in memory of Amanda. 

Oh, how she loved her Romeo!

James 1:17

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Still Touching Lives....which touches mine....

I mentioned in my last blog about some exciting things happening in Amanda's memory.  Well, here are the first two I can tell you about.  Right after Thanksgiving, I received the following text from a dear friend:


Hi Sandy, I hope you and your family enjoyed your Thanksgiving. We continue lifting your family up in our prayers and think of you often. I want to let you know that Rebecca and I submitted the R.O.C.K. as our beneficiary for her dance troupe annual benefit concert and it won! We will be dancing the weekend of Valentine's day and 100% of the proceeds will go to the ROCK. Your story touched and continues to touch so many lives and we are thrilled to be dancing for such an amazing organization. Thanks so much and again, we are so blessed to have the opportunity to help this place that meant so much to your family and so many others.

 

 I cannot encourage you enough to go support this amazing dance troupe raising money for ROCK.

I also received a text this past week from the women's Southwestern head basketball coach, who happens to not only be a Grace parent and friend, but she also has a daughter in Amanda's class.  She had another very touching story for me.  Here is her message:

At Southwestern University, I am the faculty advisor for a group of athletes called the Student Athlete Advisory Committee (SAAC).  Earlier this year, we were in a contest with the other schools in our conference to raise money for a charity of our choice.  Each school picked a charity.  I shared the story of Amanda with the group and told them of the amazing impact ROCK has on people.  Some of our students have volunteered there and have seen the beautiful bench.  There were many good charities to choose from in and around the Georgetown area,but the SAAC chose ROCK and we raised a whopping $600!  We will be presenting them with a check at a home basketball game in the near future.  I pray that this money will help contribute to happiness and healing in so many ways!

I continue to be touched that people have followed our story and have invested in our journey in so many ways.  Our ROCK family will always hold a special place in our lives because of how much Amanda loved that place.  It helped her in more ways than I can even begin expressing.  To see the community supporting ROCK because of her story is amazing.  Her life might have been a short 11 years, but she lives on through the actions and generosity of those she touched.

I pray her life will continue to glorify God in the years to come.   I am forever grateful for the time we had with her.

I look forward to the day I will see her again.

And that simple statement gives me so much hope.....

Psalm 71:14-16
But I will hope continually
    and will praise you yet more and more.
My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
    of your deeds of salvation all the day,
    for their number is past my knowledge.
With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come;
    I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.

Still her mom....

This week I posted a picture on Facebook of a four year old Amanda:

And the caption was: Oh my.  One of my favorites of her.....how quickly time goes by.  So blessed to have been her mom.....

I was surprised at the number of comments that came back saying "You are still her mom."  How right they are.  That is something I will always cling to.  I will never stop being Amanda's mom.  She will ALWAYS be my daughter.

Over the 17 months that Amanda bravely faced the disease that would eventually take her life, I soaked up every moment I could with her.  I took nothing for granted.  My family has always been the most important thing in my life, but after Amanda's diagnosis, I saw our children in a whole new light.  I realized how precious life is, and how much we take it for granted.

I started to view each day with new eyes.  And those eyes saw how our lives can impact those around us and that we do have the ability to change our world.

I now see that in Brandon.  He sees life through eyes of a soul much older than his years.  He realizes the importance of each day.  And he wants to make a difference.

Even though Amanda is no longer here on earth, her life is still impacting people's lives and is a shining light for Christ.  Her life might have only been a short "almost 11 years", but the impact her life has had on this earth will only be fully known once we are standing before our God.   What a day that will be.

There are some exciting things that have happened recently in memory of Amanda, and as those become public, I look forward to sharing with you how her life continues to touch others.  For now, I would like to share a sweet story of her concern about someone close to her. 

One of her dearest friends had a grandmother that smoked.  Amanda and her friend wrote a letter to her friend's grandmother about the dangers of smoking.  What absolutely takes my breath away is that she closed the letter with a prayer.  They wrote this in second grade....

I remember being mortified that she did this......just certain that this grandmother would be offended.  I now feel ashamed that my response was so quick to scold.  Instead of seeing her love for others and her strong faith, I worried that someone would get their feelings hurt.

After the grandmother read this - she quit smoking.  Completely.  And this letter is now framed and hangs in her house.

Leaves.

Me.

Speechless.

Why do we try to put a limit on what our children can do?  Why do we sometimes question their faith? Why do we not realize that they too can make a LASTING IMPRESSION in this sinful world we live in?  Today was the first time to see that letter.  Each day it seems like in some way there is something new that I learn from my daughter's life. 

And each day, though I am heartbroken, I try to focus on being thankful for the time our family had with Amanda.

I can't wait to see how God continues to use her life to touch others.

So blessed to be her mom.....

A post for my hurting heart...

I recently wrote in a letter:

Our generation needs to know that we can, and we will, suffer in this life. But as Christians, we can suffer well and in such a way that has people looking at our lives and see God shining and pouring out of our lives in spite of our circumstances.  

People need to hear of this precious child's first steps into Heaven. 

God is REAL and He continues to lead us as we take each step in our journey.

Every fiber of my being believes that.  And Amanda's last day on this earth is one of glorious joy and mercy but also gut wrenching heartbreak.   Oh how I wish it didn't hurt so bad.  As reality continues to wreck havoc in my life, it has been an extremely difficult week for me.  Over the past five months I have found certain "coping" mechanisms to get me through the days. (Mid-day naps being my favorite. I wake up from them emotionally rested as well as physically and am ready to face the rest of the day....just in case you were wondering.) There is only one thing that truly helps fight the panic and pain - and I'm talking an honest healing, not simply covering it with a band-aid or hiding it behind a mask, is to go back to God's promises. 

Let me quickly clarify that I am writing for my wounded heart, but I imagine somewhere in here is something that God can use to speak to you as well. 

While doing some catch up on my Beth Moore devotional this weekend, these points jumped out at me:

• The only way we are going to impact our generation is to prove that our faith in Christ is real and that it works.   (I mentioned that above in my letter.  For me, that seems to be total and complete transparency with you through our dealing with cancer and the loss of our daughter.)

•  God says His word is alive and powerful and I believe Him.  He also says His Word is powerful when it's in me.  Yes, me - a bundle of faults, fears and insecurities.  Just think!  My weakness is not strong enough to wound God's word.  Neither is yours.  God does his job.  He speaks to accomplish.  We don't have to make Him.  We just need to let Him.  (To this, I just have to say, "Thank you Jesus! No matter how weak I am..He is always stronger.")

• God can do what He says He can do precisely because He is who He says He is.  His many titles describe His ability.  As Savior, He saves; as Deliverer, He delivers; as Redeemer, He redeems; as Master, He assumes authority; as Bread of Life, He provides; and as Almighty, He exerts divine strength.  (Totally trustworthy - He is who He says He is.)

The word of God is living and effective and sharper than any two-edged sword....It is a judge of the ideas and thoughts of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12

• In some seasons, for example, He demands everything we've got - times when we feel like our life depends on it, times when we can't even think about tomorrow because we don't know how on earth we're going to live through today.  (Feels like every day lately.....)

May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy.  Colossians 1:11

But this one....this one broke me and left me speechless:

• I want my children to love God.  I want them to love His word and discover the life, healing and power within it.  I want them to love people and treat them with compassion and kindness. But more than anything on this earth - tears fill my eyes as I write this - I want glory to come to God through them. (emphasis mine) I want a thousand things for my children, and I ask without hesitation, but I want nothing more than that God would be glorified.  Life is just a breath.  All that will matter forever in our heavenly state is the glory that came to God through their lives and ours.  (Complete, painfully beautiful truth for our family.)
  

Every day, when I wake up and I don't want to face the day, I remember that I have a son on the verge of manhood.  I have a husband that has stood beside me for the past seventeen years through the good and the bad.  And even as we grieve the death of our daughter, we still have a purpose here.  Daily we must continue to encourage Brandon on the path he is already blazing down - I want glory to come to God through Brandon's life.   

That reminds me daily that even in my suffering, I must suffer in such a way that will bring God glory.  

How can I expect Brandon to cling to his faith as he grows and faces challenges if he doesn't see his mom trusting and standing firm in God's goodness and mercy in her darkest hour?  

I and incredibly humbled and thankful for God's new mercies each morning and an abundance of provisions for that day that I can lean into and depend on as I continue to pick my way down this rocky path called grief.

 

Philippians 2:14-16

Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.
 
A year ago, yet feels like yesterday: 
With the MRI coming up next week**, it is hard not to look at Amanda without amazement at how well she is doing and an anticipation of what the scans will show.  At the same time and sometimes in the same breath, it is hard not to let fears and concerns sweep down and settle in my thoughts.  It is days like today, and the pictures below, that help combat those fears and remind me of my little fighter and the answered prayers we have already seen in her life.
**(the MRI where the tumor was declared inactive)


These pictures were a year ago this week:

"Cherish who she was, and celebrate who she is." 

1 Chronicles 29:11
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.

Amanda's beautiful headstone was placed today...

How do I even begin to put down the emotions that this day brought?  

Today, the grief was as raw as it was in the beginning.  Right now, there is no getting easier.  There is no day that goes by that I am not overwhelmed with missing her.  

Today, Amanda's marker was placed.  And it felt like any healing my heart had done just broke all over again.  Reality came raining down on me with wicked ruthlessness and I lost it.  No parent should ever see their child's name on a grave marker. 

Amanda is buried in Lawler Cemetery behind Lawler Baptist Church.  Lawler is the church where my dad has been pastor for 30 years; the church where I was pianist for 17 years; the church where I met and married Tom, where we dedicated our children to God; where my dad baptized all seven of his grandchildren and where my daughter is buried.   You can see her grave from the beautiful Prayer Garden that is located on the hill behind the sanctuary.  My entire childhood is full of memories from Lawler.  Amanda even "tasted" Lawler the morning she died and said, "Such sweet memories." You know how you can smell something so strongly you can taste it?  That was how she described it.  

Lawler will always be a special and important place to our family.

It is beautiful. Heartbreakingly so.

After we left the cemetery, we went to Brandon's basketball game.  We walked in early and on the court was Amanda's classmates playing basketball.  Reality of the painful loss was once again so evident and painful it took my breath away.  We were just at Amanda's grave when we should have been at her basketball game. 

Tonight I am weary to the bone. You know me, music speaks to my soul.  So I'll close with the words from another song from Steven Curtis Chapman's album, Beauty Will Rise. This song expresses what my heart feels and my head knows better than I can at this moment.  

Our God Is In Control (click on the title to hear the song)
by Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God 

While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
 

We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

Another amazing weekend at the Double A Ranch

This weekend, we had the enormous privilege to go back and spend a few days in south Texas at the Double A Ranch with the Texas Youth Hunting program.  We once again joined the Archer family, Jason and Jessica Reeves, Megan and Collin Bosworth, along with all the people that work behind the scenes, for another unforgettable weekend.  I went in to the weekend not exactly sure what to expect.

We left the weekend having been welcomed into an amazing group of people that treated us like family.

Last February, we were invited down to the Double A in Uvalde for a special hunting trip for Amanda and Brandon.  Going back almost a year later, without Amanda, had me concerned in my ability to find joy this weekend.  That seems to be a prevailing obstacle for me day in and day out.  Thankfully, with all the love and camaraderie that was abundantly shared, joy was found.  Plenty of tears were shed and memories shared throughout the weekend.  I saw Amanda everywhere we went, but for the most part, it was with sweetness and joy remembering the fun we had.  God continues to pour out his blessings upon our family as we face each new day without her.

A look at last year's hunt:

Amanda and Jessica, our Huntmaster, immediately hit it off.

On the hunt for the elusive Axis deer....

Amanda, Jason and Jessica Reeves.  A huge thank you to the Archer family for allowing Amanda to harvest this buck last February.  

Hunting "safari style" with Megan, Collin and Jessica.

The room Amanda chose to stay in last year.  The lodge has individual "hotel style" rooms, each with their own theme.

This year's hunt:

This was one of three white-tail does Brandon harvested on Saturday with his fantastic guide, Collin.

The whole group from the weekend youth hunt

A year later, these two youngin's are married!  Fresh off their honeymoon, Collin and Megan came to spend the weekend at the Double A for the youth hunt.  In fact, Collin proposed to Megan last year at the Double A the weekend of our hunt.  Amanda and Brandon knew Collin was going to propose before I did!

Megan and Jessica - two amazing ladies that helped my heart heal just a little more this weekend...

Jason and Jessica Reeves.  What an awesome couple!  It was one messy, wet, cold weekend, but at the same time, relaxing, healing and peaceful. 

These two, Allyn and Susan Archer....I wish I had words to convey my gratitude for the way their family has welcomed us in with open arms.  My life is blessed by their friendship and love.

This room is the room we all thought Amanda would pick last year.  We stayed there this year.  It was like sleeping in a room full of sweet reminders of how much our girl loved the cowgirl lifestyle. 

Remind you of anyone?

This is the room referred to as "The Lodge."  A wall of family memories - and if you look closely, by the deer mount on the right, there are pictures from our hunt last year.  Nothing touched me more than seeing those pictures hanging in that room.  What a beautiful surprise.  Amanda is not forgotten. 

This picture is one I had never seen.  Talk about taking your breath away.  Look at her smile.  What a beautiful picture of my girl.

New memories.  New friends.   Overwhelming thankfulness. 

Psalm 71:1-3; 14
 In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame!
In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
    incline your ear to me, and save me! 
Be to me a rock of refuge,
    to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.
But I will hope continually
    and will praise you yet more and more.