Hello there. It's good to be back.
I know I have explained before that in our family, dates are not important, but instead we focus on the celebration no matter the date. With Tom's work schedule being 24 hours on and 48 hours off, it is more important that we are together to celebrate than celebrating on the actual day. But I have a confession - after 18 years, even though that is how we do things, my heart still celebrates the day. I love to celebrate birthday and anniversaries, holidays and special memories. Unfortunately, there are some dates that I honestly wish had never occurred. This Saturday, February 27th, is the day we walked in to Dell Children's Hospital ER and we were set upon a path none of us could have ever imagined. It will be three years since that day.
Around Christmas, I turned a corner. I came to the point that I realized I was ready to take a new step. This blog had become a part of my daily life during Amanda's treatment. It has been incredibly therapeutic and helpful way for me to work through things and share life as I went through that process. I have always been very transparent and wanted to be open about my experiences as a mom and most importantly as a Christian who was walking through grief and heartache of having a child with a terminal illness. And it was through this blog that I learned so much about myself. I also learned a lot about my family, my friends, and the community that surrounded us.
Here are some things I learned:
~You never know how strong your faith is until your faith is all you have to hold on to.
~Life becomes heartbreakingly simple when you are faced with losing what is most precious to you.
~When choices are taken out of your control, you see life through new lenses.
~Death is not goodbye, it is simply see you later, alligator.
~People are willing to grieve with you.
~People you've never met or seen face-to-face are willing to carry your joys and your sorrows.
~People are more than willing to comfort and pray for you.
~Some people don't know how to handle grief and so they turn away instead.
~People still love you even if they turn away.
~The body of Christ is amazing.
~God is good all the time.
~You can still find joy in the middle of sorrow.
~People mean well even when they say things that hurt you.
~It is better to face emotions than to run from them. The longer I put them off, the harder it is.
~I learned that when you put Christ first in your life, even if everything goes wrong and you fail at life that day, His grace is enough.
~His grace is always enough.
So what was the corner that I turned? I realized that I needed to live every day with joy. Sounds easy, right? It's just as easy to live in grief and sadness, actually, sometimes it is easier to live in grief and sadness than it is to live in joy. Why? Because when you start living in joy, you have the thought that perhaps the past is being forgotten. In reality - nothing is farther from the truth. It is our past that allows us to be who we are today. I am who I am today because I am the mother of two beautiful children. My daughter has simply beat me to my eternal home. Our past can be cherished and our past can live on in today even when we allow ourselves to look to tomorrow.
Amanda will never be forgotten and she will forever be a part of me. We have not lost her, we know she is in Heaven and will be with her again. That is a truth that I will never stop saying to myself.
Making the choice to intentionally choose joy is important for me. I can get up each morning and I could choose to live in joy or I could choose to daily focus on sorrow. To say there's not a time for sorrow is wrong because there most certainly is. (A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:4) If I'm honest, at times I still live in sorrow, but for me I have found that this one small decision of choosing joy has made a world of difference. God's word tells me that I should rejoice. (Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice. Philippians 4:4) And when I do grieve, it is God that keeps count of my tears. (You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8, New Living Translation)
Life has been very busy since last time I was here and I look forward to sharing some of those adventures in the near future. For now, I'd like to close with the quote that started me thinking how important it was for me to intentionally choose joy and to realize that it was okay to have joy while feeling grief at the same time. I was preparing my speech to give at our women's Christmas event at Crestview last November when I came across this quote on Twitter by John Piper.
Around Christmas, I turned a corner. I came to the point that I realized I was ready to take a new step. This blog had become a part of my daily life during Amanda's treatment. It has been incredibly therapeutic and helpful way for me to work through things and share life as I went through that process. I have always been very transparent and wanted to be open about my experiences as a mom and most importantly as a Christian who was walking through grief and heartache of having a child with a terminal illness. And it was through this blog that I learned so much about myself. I also learned a lot about my family, my friends, and the community that surrounded us.
Here are some things I learned:
~You never know how strong your faith is until your faith is all you have to hold on to.
~Life becomes heartbreakingly simple when you are faced with losing what is most precious to you.
~When choices are taken out of your control, you see life through new lenses.
~Death is not goodbye, it is simply see you later, alligator.
~People are willing to grieve with you.
~People you've never met or seen face-to-face are willing to carry your joys and your sorrows.
~People are more than willing to comfort and pray for you.
~Some people don't know how to handle grief and so they turn away instead.
~People still love you even if they turn away.
~The body of Christ is amazing.
~God is good all the time.
~You can still find joy in the middle of sorrow.
~People mean well even when they say things that hurt you.
~It is better to face emotions than to run from them. The longer I put them off, the harder it is.
~I learned that when you put Christ first in your life, even if everything goes wrong and you fail at life that day, His grace is enough.
~His grace is always enough.
So what was the corner that I turned? I realized that I needed to live every day with joy. Sounds easy, right? It's just as easy to live in grief and sadness, actually, sometimes it is easier to live in grief and sadness than it is to live in joy. Why? Because when you start living in joy, you have the thought that perhaps the past is being forgotten. In reality - nothing is farther from the truth. It is our past that allows us to be who we are today. I am who I am today because I am the mother of two beautiful children. My daughter has simply beat me to my eternal home. Our past can be cherished and our past can live on in today even when we allow ourselves to look to tomorrow.
Amanda will never be forgotten and she will forever be a part of me. We have not lost her, we know she is in Heaven and will be with her again. That is a truth that I will never stop saying to myself.
Making the choice to intentionally choose joy is important for me. I can get up each morning and I could choose to live in joy or I could choose to daily focus on sorrow. To say there's not a time for sorrow is wrong because there most certainly is. (A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:4) If I'm honest, at times I still live in sorrow, but for me I have found that this one small decision of choosing joy has made a world of difference. God's word tells me that I should rejoice. (Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice. Philippians 4:4) And when I do grieve, it is God that keeps count of my tears. (You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8, New Living Translation)
Life has been very busy since last time I was here and I look forward to sharing some of those adventures in the near future. For now, I'd like to close with the quote that started me thinking how important it was for me to intentionally choose joy and to realize that it was okay to have joy while feeling grief at the same time. I was preparing my speech to give at our women's Christmas event at Crestview last November when I came across this quote on Twitter by John Piper.
"There is always good reason to weep. And always good reason to rejoice. Not sequential. Simultaneous."
So as we approach the three year mark of Amanda's diagnosis and the journey that took us on, I have learned that I will always carry grief, some days more heavy than others. Yet in spite of that, I can honestly say that I have good reason to rejoice.
Psalm 63:1-8
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
So as we approach the three year mark of Amanda's diagnosis and the journey that took us on, I have learned that I will always carry grief, some days more heavy than others. Yet in spite of that, I can honestly say that I have good reason to rejoice.
Psalm 63:1-8
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
 |
| You see pictures you forgot about and your heart does a little flip when you are reminded just how beautiful she is. And even though you are separated for a short time and your heart breaks once again, you know full well that her joy is complete. So you take a deep breathe, resolve to choose joy each moment, love your son and husband completely, remember the laughter and smiles while wiping away the tears and thank God every day for his compassion and mercy. |
