What I've learned from grief....

If there are two things I have learned from blogging for almost three years is one, it is incredibly therapeutic for me and two, the body of Christ is amazing.  When you hit rock bottom, you are never alone.  And I don't mean that only God is with you - 'cause He is, but your brothers and sisters in Christ are with you in the trenches.  They are praying for you, they share your tears and try to carry your grief in the best way they know how.  If you've never gotten that real and deep with a friend, I highly recommend it.  You will see God move in ways that you might have never experienced before.

Even if you have lost a child, each story is different, each experience is unique, but we all share a bond that none of us ever wanted.  Here is the beautiful part - if we allow ourselves to be open, honest, raw and transparent with one another, we can find comfort and even a little ray of hope.  The church is not meant to be an island.  We are to build community and help each other in times of need.  No putting up walls, no hiding our hurts or our scars. That's very difficult for some.  My scars are ugly, deep and still very, very raw.  But if I don't allow myself to openly share through this outlet, I find that it only makes it worse.  I would rather be so brutally honest that someone who has never lost a child stops what they are doing to go love on their children, who are gifts from God, and be grateful their children are healthy than to not share and have parents get caught up in the game of life, staying busy rushing from one thing to the next and take their children for granted.

Just typing that makes me cry, for I would give ANYTHING to have Amanda back.  I didn't ask for this.  I do not want to be the person who causes parents to realize that life offers no promises and their children's health is not a certainty.  I don't want to be the one who causes them to hug their child just a little tighter or spend that extra few minutes listening to their animated and excited story about something that happened on the playground.  But I am that person.  And I am finally getting to the point where little by little I am learning to be okay with that.

Don't worry, I know I remind some of you of your absolute worst nightmare and there are times you just don't know what to say to me.  It's alright.  I'm still Sandy.  I am forever changed, but I am still that girl who used to laugh with you at carpool, on a field trip, on the playground, in the halls or passing by at the grocery store.  It's just that I have been through and seen heartache at a level that no one wants to experience.  The plus side?  I am closer to God for that experience.  And it is my deepest most heartfelt prayer that he will allow me to continue to share the lessons we learned; how our sweet children walked through terminal illness and how they grew closer because of it, how Thomas and I walked through it together but ultimately how God blessed us with an amazing 17 months together as a family and then we were given a glimpse into Heaven through Amanda's eyes.

We had always thanked God for our family and especially our beautiful, smart, funny and healthy children.  Then, just like that - everything changed.  Ugh.  Our thankfulness didn't change, but how we envisioned our life turning out was dramatically changed.  No one wants to be that person.  For whatever reason, God has called us to this path, so I am determined to somehow make it work so that as messy as it is, and as painful as it is, God is glorified.  Through all the tears, through all the grief, through all the joy and goodness that God still gives our family, we will live our lives worthy of the calling of the gospel.  To do that- we must be honest, thus my transparency here.  So yes, I know that reading my last blog of how emotionally difficult my weekend turned out to be was most likely painful and concerning, but it was incredibly important for me to share that, even though it wasn't in detail. It still was therapeutic and lifted the load just a little by sharing.

All things considered, I am doing well.  This is my life - for the rest of my life.  While I will forever have a hole in my heart for Amanda and grieve for the rest of my life, I have much to be thankful for.  I have one amazing, funny, smart and incredibly caring son.  My husband is a man who seeks to live his life to honor God.  He leads us with integrity and has a heart to lead us in a way that will glorify God.  Not always an easy task and I am thankful for his dedication and love.

I often ask, what now?  Well, my heart's desire is to write and speak.  I want to share these lessons our family has learned during our time living with a child having a terminal illness, not only through word, but in person.  My first and foremost job, however, is to wake up, thank God for the day and be the best mom, wife, friend and daughter of Christ that I can be.  Anything after that is extra blessings.  If God allows me my heart's desire, all glory to Him.  For now, I am incredibly grateful for this outlet and how it blesses my heart.  Even if no one else ever read it, just being able to record and chronicle our journey will one day prove to be a wonderful treasure for our family.

So this grief thing - it doesn't get easier.....it honestly feels like it gets trickier. As you move farther from the loss, you think and hope that it would get easier, but it doesn't.  But as I have said before - God made all things, including grief and joy.

So I will continue to lean into Him, into His grace and trust that His plans for my life are perfect.

Even when I feel my heart is breaking.

Psalm 40:8

I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.

So much has changed, yet so much hasn't.....

What a brutal weekend this was.  Painful, gut-wrenching, grief that was suffocating, tears that wouldn't stop and a heartache that doesn't go away.  I am still physically and emotionally trying to recoup from the intensity of the pain. Nothing set it off, no triggers, it just hit me. 

Rather than dredging it all up right now, I went back over the last two years to see what we were up to.....here are a few excerpts from October 2013 and 2014:

From October 16, 2013 - we were finishing cycle four of her chemotherapy treatment:
Nights are usually the hardest.  The other night, the boys were gone, Amanda had finally fallen asleep and I lay there in the dark next to her with my mind replaying moments from these past seven months.  There are some wonderful, amazing memories and there are some rock bottom, heartbreaking moments.  The memories were just rolling over me in the dark.  No one ever expects to be told one day your child has a brain tumor - there is simply no way to prepare yourself for that kind of news.  So as I lay there, I started thinking back to the days "before." As you know, I love pictures, so some that came to mind were snapshots I have taken - like the one of newborn Amanda in her carrier sitting behind me on the floor while I played the piano at Lawler or Brandon and his first day at home from the hospital.  Recalling favorite memories from fishing and hunting to memories of being a stay at home mom - on and on it went, but they all led to where we are today.  You hear people say how your life story prepares you for a task.  I saw that clearly in my job at Grace, how God used different seasons throughout my life to help prepare me for that job.  But this, well, how do you possibly prepare yourself for something like this?

So here I sit, as a mom, seven months after Amanda's diagnosis, I find myself still processing where we are.  Sometimes, it feels like I start over every day with that process.  Other times, I sail smoothly along, confident in the path that lies before us even without knowing what lies ahead.   But throughout all of this, there is one thing that never changes.  In fact, there is one thing that has prepared me for something like this, the only thing that could prepare me for something like this - and that is my relationship with Christ.  James 4:6 says, "He gives greater grace."  Amen.  Every day, without His grace, I would simply fail.   It is through Him that I find the strength, the joy and the hope to start each day fresh.

James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

Psalm 139:13 - 18
For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

This helps me keep in perspective how little control I actually have over this life I live and who is truly in control of ALL things.  And for that reminder, I am extremely grateful.

Oh, what I wouldn't do to be back in that bed snuggling with my long-legged girl, listening to her breath, running my fingers through her hair and holding her close.

In October, 2014, I had started back to work..  The new schedule was difficult to adjust to and it created new sets of hurdles as I was still adjusting to grief vs. hope:

Here is some honesty that is painful to admit - my head knows that God works all things for good.  All things - even the death of my daughter.  But my heart misses her more and more each day almost to the point of desperation.  There is just no other way to explain it.  I miss her.  And it hurts.  And yet, life goes on.  It must.  I see it all around me, the hustle and bustle of life and yet, I feel like my feet are in concrete and I can't keep up.  Reminds me of that line it the movie "Titanic"  where Rose and Jack are on the deck the day after he stops her from jumping off the back of the boat.  After that scene, she makes this statement as she tries to explain how she feels, "I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up,"  Okay, so that is a little dramatic, but you get my point.  Life feels like it is flowing all around me, people are doing their thing, and I am standing still.  No one knows just how broken my heart is, because on the outside, I look "okay" and I am active and "living life."  And yet, even as I try to keep up with everyone, usually what happens is I fail miserably and disappoint myself. 

Grief does the most insane things to your person.  It impacts how you think, feel, react, sleep, eat, converse - everything in your life is altered in a way that you have no control over.  It takes you on a ride and you are left just hanging on.   This is going to sound strange, but despite all this pain, I find it oddly beautiful that God gave us grief.  He made us to experience these feelings and not ignore them, they are an important (though incredibly painful) part of dealing with a loss.  So even though I may feel like I am on a run away roller coaster, God has a purpose and a plan.  He knows where I'm going even when I don't.  So I will trust Him and hold on tight to see where He is taking me.

The stronger my faith; the stronger my freedom, confidence and peace in God is.  I read something the other day that said "Help me not to miss future blessings because I refuse to go to a place with you that I've never been before."  We saw that truth while in the trenches with Amanda and experienced God's overwhelming blessings because our focus was on glorifying Him in the battle.  May it continue to be so even now as our battlefield has changed.  Though there are many tears and sorrow, God can still use them to plant seeds of joy and hope for the future....if I choose to be obedient to Him.  I want nothing more than to run my race with endurance to the very end.  I've experienced life lived like that up close and personal and I don't want it any other way.

God still gives joy through the heartache and I am extremely grateful for that.

I take life moment by moment.  Any more than that is just too hard.

Psalm 59:16

But I will sing of your strength;
    I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
    and a refuge in the day of my distress.

And for me today - that is pretty spot on.

Team Watson T-Shirt Order - Round #3

It's time for another order of Team Watson shirts. I don't know about you, but some of us, ahem, our kids, are outgrowing their shirts and we want more!

This Team Watson shirt has a little something extra that I think is very special. There is a cluster of green grapes on the sleeve to serve as a reminder of our sweet Amanda and the beautiful gift God gave us the day she died.  My prayer is that the grapes will spark conversations that will allow you to share Amanda's story with as many people that you can!
#neverforgotten

How to order t-shirts:
1.  Go to PayPal.com and Log on to your own account.
2. Click on 'Pay or Send Money'
3. Click on 'Send money to Friends and Family'
4. Enter watson0276@gmail.com and total amount due.
5. In the memo field, please specify shirt sizes and how many of each shirt size you are ordering.  Also, please put a phone number or email address so we can contact you in the event we need to clarify or arrange special pick up times.  If you would like us to mail shirts, please include your mailing address and we will be happy to send them to you!
~Important note - when using PayPal, there are no charges to sign up or use your bank account.  You will be charged a small fee, however, to send money using a debit card or credit card.  Please be aware of that as you sign up or pay.

Available sizes to order: Youth sizes S-XL; Adult sizes XS - 3XL.  

These are the soft shirts, the color is heavy metal and the brand is Next Level.  A wonderful company out of Waco are making these shirts for us.  A huge thank you to Hole in the Roof Marketing!  We are selling them at cost.  

Each shirt is $12.

  You will have until October 30 to place an order.  Once we receive confirmation on the completion date on the shirts, I will publicize two pick up location and times.  I am anticipating delivery the week of November 16th if all goes as planned.  :)

Thank you for your continued love and support.  Words seem so trivial in expressing out gratitude and thankfulness for each one of you.

Music and Ryan's testimony sharing Amanda's story

One night this week I was listening to music as I tried to fall asleep.  I started thinking about how when both of the kids were little, they would fall asleep to music. Brandon outgrew that, but Amanda never did. She loved to listen to music at night. She would listen to the recorded services from Lawler, to our friends The Cherry's, and whatever else she was in the mood for. She would stay with one CD for a week or two then change to something else.

When we were in the hospital, I would play music for her all night.  The music seemed to help calm her. That, along with Tom or me being by her side, was what she needed. That stayed true after she came home as well.  Every night we listened to music.  After cuddling with her for awhile, I would usually sit at the foot of her bed and blog.  The music would often become part of my writings. 

There is something about music that has the ability to penetrate all the junk surrounding my thoughts and clear my head.  As Amanda started chemo and was feeling worse, she would sleep in our room and we would listen to music together as she fell asleep.  I think I listen to music now so those sweet memories will stay close to the surface....

Wednesday night, my nephew Ryan gave his testimony at a community event in Florence. He also used music as a reference and how it made an impact on him.  Ryan did an amazing job, sharing how looking back he could see how God was preparing our family for what we would face with Amanda's illness.  Why don't you hear what he had say....click here to watch the video of his testimony.

She loved her cousins - she loved her RyRy.

All I could think was, "Ryan - don't trip!!" But the look of pure joy on her face still makes me laugh.

Smith cousins, 2013

Easter 2015

Tonight we took our yearly family pictures, just Tom, Brandon and I.  I've been taking our family pictures since before the kids started school.  Tonight, another year without Amanda in them was incredibly hard and the absence of her presence was painful.  Those moments are the ones that absolutely take my breath away and it hits me full on.  And I simply hurt.

There is a song called "Touch The Sky" by Hillside United  The lyrics:

What fortune lies beyond the stars
Those dazzling heights too vast to climb
I got so high to fall so far
But I found heaven as love swept low

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

What treasure waits within Your scars
This gift of freedom gold can't buy
I bought the world and sold my heart
You traded heaven to have me again

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

 

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

On my knees, surrendered, heartbroken, grieving, loving and still able to laugh; yet every day, all of me misses Amanda more than I can possibly express through mere words.,, 

This is the one life that God has given me....and I refuse to waste it.  All in.

Sometimes, I need to remind myself that it's okay to constantly hurt, but still live.

2009

Being dangerous does not mean being bullet proof....

Man.  What a week last week was. It was like each day threw me some kind of challenge and my ability manage challenges only goes so far...

For example, earlier in the week I was in a group where we were going around the room and introducing ourselves and telling the group who our children were and what grade they were in.  The room was mostly women who do not know our family's story.  As it got closer to my turn, my whole body started shaking and I wasn't sure how to answer. I never want to say that Brandon is my only child.  I have two children.  There are times, however, when dropping that bomb is pretty heavy, "Hi - my name is Sandy and my 10 year old daughter died of brain cancer.  She had completed the third grade."  Talk about ruining an atmosphere!  So I stood there, waiting, knowing when it came to me I wouldn't be able to speak.  Thankfully, I had friends in there and they saw my distress.  I was introduced by a dear friend and the event went on smoothly.   As it wound down, a sweet lady stopped by and hugged me.  She whispered in my ear that she knew I was Amanda's mom....that meant more than I can even put into words.  What an incredible gift for me.

I was so shaken, that even after the event, I simply could not focus on anything.  My day was shot.  It hit me right to my core - understanding that there is a time and a place for everything and that really wasn't the time or place, my heart broke at being introduced as the mother of Brandon, instead of Brandon and Amanda. 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would be facing those types of situations for the rest of my life. Right now, the truth of that reality feels very heavy and almost suffocating.  No matter how my times I roll that over in my head, I always come back to Amanda is worth it. Every moment, every tear, every life touched through our steps walked in grief is worth it because she is worth it. 

As I am out and about more around the students and parents at school, I find that the students relate me to Amanda.  For example, one day a student called me Ms. Amanda, I've been asked if I was Amanda's mom more than once, and been stopped by a student for a hug and to share a story or two about Amanda's time on campus.  Painful? Yes. Worth it?  Absolutely.

As I find myself with more opportunities to speak coming up on the horizon, I am excited that God is allowing me the opportunity to use Amanda's story to continue to touch lives.  She told us to keep talking about her and not forget her.  While there is no way I would never be able to do that, these speaking opportunities give me the pleasure of sharing how God used her life to show His glory and how our lives has been forever impacted.

I'm a proud mom of two amazing children.  One of them I still have at home to love and care for, the other one is in Heaven waiting for us to join her.

I know that God will continue to use Amanda's story.  I know that we have an eternity in Glory awaiting us.  I know that Amanda's life was not lived in vain.  I know that her faith, courage and perseverance were special and I count myself blessed to be her mom.  But even knowing all those truths will never take away the pain of losing her.

So I will live dangerously, but there will continue to be days that the pain is too much, the ache of missing her will tear me apart, and the desire to hear her, touch her and hold her will take me to my knees.  And that is right where I need to be....

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

I Want to Be Dangerous

This past weekend I attended the "Anything 2015" conference in Temple and heard Jennie Allen speak.  She is the founder and visionary behind the IF:Gathering conference.  Not only is she one of my favorite authors, but she has also provided me with valuable advice and encouragement over the last year.  At the beginning of the weekend, Jennie referred to Hebrews 12:1-2 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. (This verse is special to our family.  It became our verse for Amanda during chemo.) As Jennie talked us through how to run our race, we talked about what consumes us, what we fear, the baggage we carry, and how we relax.  Each day we have to consciously make the choice to surrender and throw off the things that hinder us all the while focusing our eyes on Jesus Christ and not what is around us.  As we worked through those steps throughout the conference, one of the last questions was what our "next step" would be.

For me, it is not a simple answer.  What I do know is I want to be dangerous.  I want to live with total abandonment for my faith and I want to live that faith loud. I have eternity in Heaven before me and a short time here on this earth.  I want to make a glorious ruckus for Christ while I'm here.  Since February 27, 2013, we have intentionally made the choice to glorify God in all our circumstances.  After Amanda died, some days, it is all I can do to simply take that next step.  On those days, I cling to the knowledge that His mercies are new and the day is full of grace.  Heaven is more real to me than it ever has been and I don't want to waste a single day with the time I have here on earth.  I want to run my race with all I have.

I don't know if I have mentioned this officially yet, but I am actively seeking publication for a book.  That is a much more complicated process than I realized and is a large time commitment.  At the same time that I have made that step, I have found God is bringing women into my life who have also lost a child.  I am realizing that sometimes, all we need is for someone to "get" what we are going through.  We crave for someone to say, "I really do understand."  I am not a counselor, but I know what it feels like to have a loved one die and how good it feels to talk and share that experience with the person across from me.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  

I pray that God will continue to open doors, and give me clarity, discernment and wisdom with each new step I take.

And for Him to make me dangerous.....

This picture just captured me tonight.  This girl has my heart.  I miss that smile so much.

Meet Jennie Allen!
What is your next step?

Psalm 63
You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

A new chapter begins for us tomorrow

Tomorrow starts a new chapter in Tom's career.  After 20 years of working on an ambulance, Tom has been promoted to Field Commander for Williamson County EMS.  This is a promotion we have been praying about for three years and I am incredibly proud of him.  I don't think I have ever met someone that has the ability to stay so calm in any given situation.  I like to say that God has wired him for his job.  And considering he is married to someone that is on the opposite spectrum, I think that is a very good trait to have.

Not only will he be changing his job position, but with Georgetown Fire now running their own EMS, he will be moving out of Georgetown.  He started his WILCO career over eleven years ago and about nine of those years have been in Georgetown.  After all those years of him being in Georgetown, it will be a change for all of us.

During those years, Tom has worked closely with the Georgetown Fire Department and many of the fireman have become like family.  As Tom and I sat here discussing how well they loved our family during Amanda's illness, we moved to how the WILCO EMS department loved us and all that they did, then both the Round Rock, Cedar Park and Austin fire departments and how they loved us - all these departments held fundraisers and gave us incredibly special gifts.  The civil service community in Williamson County and surrounding areas have been incredibly supportive and is loved by our family.  We love them for not only how they stepped up during those seventeen months, but even since Amanda has died, the support has not stopped.  Amanda's picture can be found in lockers and on clipboards, while some still wear Team Watson bracelets.  We are incredibly humbled and thankful for the support.

So as Tom steps up to this new position in a new district, we look back and are grateful for the last twelve years with Williamson County and look forward to many more years in the future.

When you are sucker punched, but He still shows you joy....

I almost started with, "The days have been hard lately" but when aren't they anymore?  Not a day goes by that I don't ache missing my daughter.  So, let's just get past that opening line.....those days are my norm.

I've been watching home videos recently.  I realize that as I share those with friends and family, that will help how she is remembered - and we will rejoice in the memories that those videos trigger.  Our human minds have the ability to remember things about a person to a certain extent, but when you see something played back to you - well, that's when it smacks you in the face and reminds who you are really missing.   It's heartbreaking how quickly those little personality traits are forgotten.  And how quickly the tears come because I miss her so stinkin' much.  I miss those amazing facial expressions she would make, the sound of her voice, the way her hair would fall into her face and I would tuck it behind her ear or her adorable silliness....the ache of missing HER is so different than those times I find myself thinking our family is missing something.  It's really hard to put into words - but there is a difference.  And it's those moments when I remember HER that I remind myself she is still the Amanda that I love and miss.  All those things about her that make her unique and special, well, she is still that same adorable person in Heaven - and I find myself being envious.....

Lately I have been dreaming about her a lot.  I think it is the videos, but whatever the reason is I am thankful.  Even though waking up sometimes hurts, I would much rather have those dreams and the agony of waking up than to not have them at all.  

Yesterday at work I was filing.  I had my music going, enjoying a cup of coffee and it was almost time for me to go home for the day.  And then I get to the Ws.......and there was her file.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop the tears, my only thought was, "She should still be here.  This folder is in the right place.  She shouldn't be gone."  The tears wouldn't stop flowing.  And there was the sucker punch; it was so unexpected, yet at the same time, it shouted that I am not the only one that daily remembers her.  And that was expressed over and over to me as I encountered my coworkers whom I am blessed to also call friends. Amanda is remembered and she won't ever be forgotten.  It may seems like a small thing - a folder filed among the many other student files we have.  For this mom, it was huge.  For even in this small thing, it reminds me of how blessed I am to be at Grace.  For at Grace, the people sitting around me remember her running around campus, or teaching her in class, or how she would pop her red-head in my office with a quick, "Hi Mom - gotta go!"  My co-workers in the office have children in her class or Brandon's class and have watched her grow up.  They have walked through the valley with me and share my tears, who continue to love me through the hard days, rejoice with me on the good ones, and they are always ready to hear her name and walk with me down memory lane.  I don't take that for granted.

God is so good.  He has blessed me and my family with this incredible gift called Grace Academy.

This week at school, our Kindergartners recited Psalm 100 from memory.  Guess what video I came across the very next day? Amanda's Kindergarten class reciting Psalm 100. Beautiful. Heartbreaking. Joyful. Comforting.  She did enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise.  There is nothing that could have brought me more peace, even after a day like yesterday, than the knowledge that she is standing in His presence, waiting for us to join her.

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

¹ Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
²     Worship the Lord with gladness;
    come before him with joyful songs.
³ Know that the Lord is God.
    It is he who made us, and we are his;
    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.