Our First Christmas, Part One

From December 29, 2013:
I don't know about you, but every year, before we have even packed away our Christmas decorations, I start thinking to next year.  I start planning on what I want to do better or different or maybe even planning on what gifts to buy. (Shocking, I know.)  This year, however, I fought against the urge to go there.  The unknown is so much scarier than the present for me at this point.  So amidst the celebration and laughter, all the joy and hope that is the season of Christmas, I remembered, and at times struggled, to stay focused on the here and now and enjoy each moment.  It was a wonderful Christmas.

When I wrote that last year, never in my wildest thoughts would I have imagined she wouldn't be here today.  Never.

As I sit here and wonder how to express what the last week and half has been like, all I can think is, "We made it."   That pretty much sums up my plan for getting through Christmas this year without Amanda....just to survive day by day.  Going into the Christmas holidays, I was very intentional about making this year a Christmas that Brandon could look back on with good memories, despite the grief and sadness we are all feeling.

Something my mom told me in the past week about Amanda was this,  "Cherish who she was, and celebrate who she is."   What an amazing encouragement and reminder for me on days when I am hurting so much.

We have been very busy so I am going to write two posts about our Christmas this year.  I'll start with the Smith and Watson family Christmas celebrations.


December 20 we celebrated Christmas with the Smith side of the family.  Amanda was very vocal about what we were to do, and my parents did a great job following her directions.  :)  There were plenty of tears, yet we all managed to include laughter and joy among them.  We had a present under the tree with her name on it that Brandon opened and shared with everyone, just like she told us to do.  Each cousin hung one of her ornaments, oldest to youngest, per her instructions. Sweet memories were shared as the pictures reminded us of years past.  Thus began new family traditions as we celebrated and remembered Amanda's life, including releasing balloons for Amanda's first Christmas in heaven. 

Hanging up Amanda's ornaments

Back in the summer I posted a picture of Amanda bottle feeding a deer.  This is Bambi.  She loves to be around when we are outside......until Ginger starts chasing her. 

No matter how fast she goes, Ginger is no match for Bambi.  It is hilarious to watch the two of them....

Christmas 2014

For each family on both sides, I made an "Amanda bag" that had a Christmas ornament with her picture in it, a beautiful photo magnet, special pictures from the past that were picked specifically for each family, the paper from her third grade journal that I shared in an earlier post, "Why I love Christmas" and then a CD.  On the CD was her favorite Christmas album (The Robertson's, Duck the Halls) and then a few songs from Steven Curtis Chapman's album, Beauty will Rise. (more on that later.)

December 28 we celebrated the Watson Christmas.  Another hard day.  December baby, or Leah as the rest of the family calls her, is doing wonderful and is such a beautiful baby.  I held her all morning, but then decided I had better share.  On the Watson side, our tradition is to sing carols, read Luke 2, the telling of Jesus birth, and then a prayer before we start the gifts.  I couldn't make it through the carols without crying.  We also sang the two songs we sang at Amanda's graveside - 'Leaning on the Everlasting Arms' and 'When We All Get to Heaven.'  Those totally did me in, but I loved that we remembered Amanda in that way.  Then came the presents.  Amanda never was shy about showing her enthusiasm when opening gifts. That was just one of the many things I loved about her and made the opening of gifts one of the things most difficult for me to sit through.  As the time of presents wound down, Tom handed out the "Amanda bags" for the Watson side.  I loved watching the families flip through the pictures and remember....

Big brother Jem watching Aunt Sandy! Hmm, already a protective big brother?

Sweet Grayson and Jem. 

Brandon reading from Luke 2.

Mer Mer and Jem.....Jem loves his cousins!

Maw Maw in a fierce game of Memory

This.  This right here.  The complete joy and surprise of a gift is so much fun to see as a parent.

The joy and chaos of eight grandchildren.  :)

Last minute, late night snuggles.  LOVE that Jem can see a picture of Amanda and say her name...

And this sweet girl loved watching a video of Amanda singing.  She watched it several times then had to go show her mom.  This is why Amanda will never be forgotten....

In the deepest, darkest times of hurting, I am so thankful for our families who are willing to continue to stand beside us, allowing us to grieve and grieving right along side of us.

"And then, when pressed with burdens and troubles too complicated to put into words and too mysterious to tell or understand, how sweet it is to fall back into His blessed arms, and just sob out the sorrow we cannot speak!" Streams in the Desert

The CD I included in the "Amanda Bags" had songs from Steven Curtis Chapman.  He lost a daughter five years ago in a tragic accident. The album "Beauty Will Rise" was written with each song related to the grieving process of losing their daughter, Maria.  After listening the the entire album, there were a handful of songs that really jumped out at me.  While it feels as if I could have sat down and wrote each song, there is one titled, "See" that could have been written about the day Amanda passed and her description to us of what she was seeing:

 

It was a steady stream of instructions until she paused and said “It's getting whiter.”  She then began to describe what she was seeing.  “I can see the pearly gates.” she said next.  She then looked up at Roy and said, “Don't cry Papa, it's not good-bye, but see you later alligator.”  All during this time, she told us over and over that we shouldn't be sad but that we should be singing and rejoicing because that is what they were doing there.  She then said, “The gates, they're opening!”  “It's beautiful. It's just like you said Dad.”  At that point she said, “They’re green.”  Sandy asked “What's green?”  She told us there were grapes everywhere and that they were green and tasted so sweet.  She said, “That's what it means, that's what it means: “I am the vine and you are the branches!”  She saw a big table set with food on it.  Sandy asked her, “Like a feast?” and she said, “Yeah, like a feast.”  She again added, “And they're rejoicing!”  She mentioned seeing Grampy and that she saw a black horse. 

She then said she was seeing a book, that it was a bible, and to read it every day.  It was at this point she was beginning to drift asleep and as her eyes closed, and her breathing slowed the last thing she saw was another big white book.  After that her voice faded and she closed her eyes. 

I relive that day every day.....some days it is a huge blessing and comfort while others it is painful and heartbreaking.  But no matter how I am feeling - it always reminds me of God's great blessings, grace and comfort he allowed us to have as we said goodbye to our daughter.

So I'll close today's post with the powerful words from that song:

See

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
But from the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear, laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying "See, it's everything you said that it would be,
And even better than you would believe.
And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me,
And finally, you'll see."

But right now, all I can say is "Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching?"
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
We'll open up our eyes and we will see

It's everything that He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And he's counting down the days 'til He says "Come with me."
And finally he'll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new, just like he promised
Wait and see, just wait and see, wait and see

And I'm counting down the days until I see
It's everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I'm counting down the days 'til He says, "Come with me."
And finally, we'll see. We will see.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good, the Lord is good
The Lord is good. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good.

Merry Christmas from Team Watson

Our first Christmas with Amanda in Heaven. What a painful but powerful truth. While the grief and pain is strong, we rejoice in the hope and peace we have knowing that Amanda is with our Lord and Savior. As we continue on our journey, may we glorify Him in all that we do.

From our family to yours, Merry Christmas.

December Baby

So here we are, Christmas with the Smith side tomorrow.  As the day "looms" in front of me, I am constantly praying that though it will be a day of tears, we will remember to rejoice in the joy and hope we have that we will be with Amanda again.  And that hope and joy was all made possible because of the birth of our Savior.

Today, was a joyful day because we finally got to meet "December Baby."  When our sister in law, Lindsey, found out she was due in December, Amanda nicknamed the baby "December Baby."   On the day Amanda died, she gave us specific instructions about this precious little miracle we were all anxious to meet:

--To tell her young cousins and the “December baby” about her so they wouldn’t forget her (our sister-in-law is due in December and Amanda called it December baby)

Not only that, but Amanda had sketched out, on transparency paper, the pattern to make a home made teddy bear.  Each page had a different body part drawn on it.  She named it Cookies and even had the two button eyes taped to the page. The buttons reminded her of cookies, so that's where she got the name.  I'm not surprised by this at all.  Amanda had a love of stuffed animals.  Seriously.  She slept every night with a stuffed animal, a puppy, that Uncle Stephen and Aunt Lindsey gave her when she was about two.  There is a book case in her room that is full of stuffed animals and she could tell us who gave the animal to her and the story that went along with it.  So it doesn't surprise me at all that the gift Amanda had in mind for that baby was a stuffed animal.

Yeah, I think she loved stuffed animals!

Amanda was really looking forward to this baby.  She loved little kids. It was just a natural part of her personality - to take care of those that needed taking care of.  

December baby, Leah Providence Watson, was born on December 10.  She weighed 7 pounds 12 oz.  After she was born, she spent six days in the NICU.  During this time, only a few were allowed in to see her, so we had to wait to officially meet Leah.  She came home earlier this week and both mom and baby are doing great.

Today was a tearful and breathtakingly sweet meeting.   How can one not be filled with joy and awe over the birth of a child?  As we welcome Leah to the family and look forward to seeing her grow, we will fulfill Amanda's wish and tell Leah, along with all the other cousins, about their courageous, strong, funny, and beautiful cousin.

Finally meeting Amanda's December Baby, Leah.

Amanda's pattern for Cookie the Teddy Bear...

Abby and Jem are very attentive to the new little one in the house!

My sweet boy playing Candy Land with Abby.

Amanda and Brandon meeting Abby.

Amanda meeting Jem.

A look back at the Watson cousins.  I am so thankful that not only do we live close to family, but that we are close to our family.  

This was last Christmas...so hard to believe...

Team Watson - 2013

Hope through the heartache

Thank you for the overwhelmingly supportive response to my last post!  Honesty, though painful, helps both myself and that person who stands in front of me figure out this path called grief.

At this time last year, we were in Montana on Amanda's Make A Wish trip.  (Part One) It was an amazing trip where so many precious memories were made.   I've enjoyed going back and looking at the pictures and remembering the unique experiences we were blessed with.

So here it is, a week from my birthday with Christmas right on it's tail, and at times I feel like I have put up this emotional wall to help me cope.  I think I have said this before, but sometimes shutting down and switching to autopilot is the easy way out.  While I was excited about the various "Amanda" Christmas gifts I had in mind to give to family, the continual looking at pictures and making of gifts has slowly chipped away at that protective wall and emotionally I am already worn out.  The memories and feelings can either take your breath away with the joy of the moment or break your heart with the unfairness of this life.  Christmas, and all the preparations and celebrations without her here, simply hurt.

This past week we attended a beautiful memorial service at the Gabriels Funeral Chapel.  It was a service in honor of those that have died in 2014.  A part of me didn't want to be there, but I knew we needed to be.    For just a moment, I put everything else aside and sat in a room full of other families grieving the loss of a loved one. As it turned out, it was a meaningful time for me. The care of love from those who work at the Gabriels has been a wonderful support system for my family. I'm so glad we went.

So, despite everything I just said, I have been thinking over the past few days that I am doing really well in regard to handling the pain and loss on a daily basis.  I have been able to laugh, find joy throughout the day, and focus on getting things done that need to be done.  In fact, I actually found myself stopping to realize that I was laughing and being goofy.  I love that.  I have no problem with being able to be happy.  There is no guilt there.  I am, however, extremely aware the delicate balance that grief is and I understand that it is only a "trigger" away from sucking the joy out of the moment.  Grief does not play fair.

Sunday worship services are very hard for me this month.  The Christmas decorations, the carols that we sing - they all make me miss her so much.  Church was always important family time for us.  When you are a close family of four for almost eleven years, the sudden family of three is a shock.  I still catch myself looking around for her, almost like she is lost or has lagged behind and needs to catch up. 

Today, the grief hit me hard and heavy.  It crushed me beneath the intensity of it all.  The memories were so incredibly vivid that it was heartbreaking, yet my mind would not stop replaying them.  I wanted to escape, but how can you escape your memories?  I don't WANT to escape my memories, I just wish they didn't hurt so much.  It wasn't until early afternoon that I was finally able to stop the tears.  A change of scenery and getting out and running errands helped to distract myself.  Plus, when you are in public, the constant crying is a little extreme for the people around me.  I don't mind the gentle tears in public, but today I would have caused alarm had I not got my act together......

The afternoon got better and so by the evening, I was back to normal, whatever that is.  Then this came in the mail:

I knew that the Dell clinic was using her photo for a publication, but I had no idea it was going to be the clinic brochure.  There she is.  So beautiful.  And the tears started again. 

How does one walk through this without completely coming undone?  That was what I kept asking myself as I looked at this picture and the ache was so strong for my child.  "How am I going to survive this?" 

Hope.

Those feelings of panic and pain can only be overcome by the hope that I have in knowing that she is in heaven.  It is real.  She told us.  She wasn't scared, she wasn't afraid to die, and she told us not to be sad.  (I haven't done a real good job at that last part, but I think I get a pass on that....)  So yes, there will continue to be days like today, but thankfully there will also be days that are filled with joy.  I'm waiting for the days of joy to start outweighing the days of pain.....

Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal.

Romans 15:13   
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Walk beside me....

Getting through the holidays while grief is fresh in your life has to be one of the most difficult things to maneuver through.  After "surviving" Thanksgiving, and now neck deep in Christmas, at times it feels like each day is simply overcoming and claiming victory.  After numerous conversations with my counselor, friends and co-workers, I realized that not only am I struggling during this time, but my friends and family around me are as well.

It got me thinking.  If the tables were turned, I imagine I would be fretting with how I could help you.  What could I do to make this burden a little lighter, this time a little easier?  I realize I am only speaking for myself.  I can't speak for anyone else that has gone through a loss of any kind and then found themselves smack dab in the middle of the holiday season.  I am simply speaking from my heart. 

We are in a season that is supposed to be full of thankfulness and joy; laughter and love; hope and celebration.  But when you are grieving the loss of a child in the middle of all of all those emotions and celebrations, the battle inside of you is unimaginable.

So how can you walk beside me and encourage and support me during this time?  Here are a few simple ways you can minister to me:

• Don't be afraid to talk to me about Amanda at anytime.  She is constantly in my thoughts and I love talking about her. 
• Don't feel like you have to talk about her.  Sounds contradicting, I know, but if it makes you uncomfortable, that is okay too, don't feel obligated.
• I appreciate it when you ask how I am doing.  I am getting really good at being honest, so be ready.  I don't bother with "Fine" when I'm really not.  If you don't want to hear that I am hurting at that moment, then it is better not to ask.
• Please feel free to ask how Brandon and Tom are doing.  I find it hard to speak for them because surprise, surprise - we are all wired very differently.  They are still grieving the loss of Amanda, and they tend to show it a little different than I do, but I can still give you an update.
• If I am not crying, please try not to cry.  It takes a lot of work to hold it together when I am out in public because the craziest things hit me and can bring on the tears - it often feels like a continual battle. (Seriously - I lost it the other day driving past the animal shelter remembering how much she was looking forward to volunteering there once she was old enough)  So if you feel the need to shed tears on my behalf, and the fact that you do really means a lot to me because it means that our story has touched you, try to wait until I walk away to let those tears fall.
• If I am crying, please feel free to cry along! Again - it shows that you are willing to step down into the pit of grief with me and feel the pain.  I know I am living every parent's nightmare.  I know that.  It is a scary place to be, so thank you for your willingness to walk with me.
• Last, but certainly not least, hugs and smiles are always good.  You don't have to say a word beyond hello.  Hugs and smiles are healing and therapeutic.  Friendship has been such an amazing tool that God has used to support me through this time.  I don't take that for granted.

If I may, let me continue to be frank with you - don't think for a minute that just because I may "look" okay (i.e. makeup, dressed nicely, hair fixed) that I have it all together.  I don't.  I am not this put together person that is sailing through this loss like Super Woman.  At times, but certainly not all the time, my insides are in pieces, and I feel as fragile as the beautiful glass Christmas ornament I recently made.  But you know what?  I'm not - I'm strong and with the foundation of my faith, the support and prayers of friends and family, I will survive this painful time and the days to come.....but it is not going to be easy.

At the Watson Thanksgiving, my sweet niece AJ did this.....Amanda sweetheart - you are never forgotten.

John 16:33

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Hmph.  I know that life isn't easy.  Life isn't supposed to be easy.  Jesus told us that very plainly.  Ouch.  But this is my daughter - my child.  And yes - once again, my faith jumps up and gets in my face:

John 1:14
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
  
Like the words to the song by Jeremy Camp from a few posts back - He knows.  Better than anyone else, God knows exactly what I am feeling.  Better than even Tom, who is walking right beside me on this painful path.   Better than any other parent that has lost a child.  God knows the pain and heartbreak I am feeling every moment.  God watched His son crucified on the cross.  He gets what I am going through.

"True", you may say, "but you still have to go through each day and feel the loss and pain." 

Yes, I do.  But I don't face it alone.  Those moments when I am by myself, literally crying out in pain, tears flowing, heart breaking - I am still not alone.  

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Romans 5:20
But where sin increased, grace increased all the more.

Sin in this world has dealt us a painful, wicked blow.  This is not right.  Amanda should not have faced cancer and died because of the terrible disease.  But she did.  And as we have gone through it all, just as Romans 5 says - His grace has increased.  We can face tomorrow because God is still good.   Right now, sometimes that is really hard to see, but I know it to be true.

As John Piper said in his sermon The Glory of God in the Sight of Eternity, which is also beautifully paired with Shane and Shane's song, "Though You Slay Me":  We opened Amanda's memorial service with this song.
"Your affliction is preparing [producing] for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
That is what I mean by saying every moment of your affliction is meaningful. It has meaning. It is doing something. Causing something. Bringing about something glorious.  You can’t see this. The world can’t see this. They think, and you are tempted to think, this suffering is meaningless. It’s not doing anything good. I can’t see any good coming out of this. That’s what you feel if you focus on the seen. To which Paul responds, look to the things that are unseen. The promise of God. Nothing in your pain is meaningless. It is all preparing. Working something. Producing something — a weight of glory, a special glory for you. Just for you because of that pain."

Hebrews 4:15-16

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

So even when I am at the bottom, I know to look up and have the confidence that He will be there to give me strength.  Even if that strength is simply to take the next breath....

The pictures say it all....

 I found this in Amanda's third grade Bible notebook.  It is too precious not to frame.  Each family has their own special "things" at Christmas.  One of ours were our ornaments.  Brandon and Amanda got a special ornament each year, usually something that they had really shown an interest in that year.   They each had their own box of ornaments, and as they hung each one, we enjoyed remembering the story that went with each ornament.  Of course, we have photo frames for each year as well....so that was always fun to look back over the years and see how much they had grown.

One of Amanda's instructions to us the day she died was that Brandon put the star on the Christmas tree.  Much of her "instructions" to us that last day was about Christmas.  Shows just how much she loved Christmas and the realization that she would not be here with us to celebrate it.  She made sure that we would remember her and do certain things just like she would have.

We have so many ornaments, but this year we chose to stick with only our photo ornaments and our doves.  (If you look closely at the lights, you can see that the doves sit on a branch over a bulb and light up.) We smiled through the tears as we looked back through the years in pictures while we hung the ornaments.  

As I shared with a friend, some days joy is hard to see through the grief.  I am thankful for days like I had this week to remind me that the joy is still there, and will continue to be there in days to come.  So while we may grieve for what we are missing, we will cling to the joy and hope of knowing we will see her again.

Isaiah 25:1
O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure.

Brandon has been learning this song on his guitar.  I love the words.  May they bless you this weekend.  The song is "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave.

I see the work of Your Hands
Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

I hear the sound of Your Voice
All at once it's a gentle and thundering noise oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

I delight myself in You
Captivated by Your beauty
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You

I know the power of Your Cross
Forgiven and free forever You'll be my God
And all that You've done is so overwhelming

I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You

And God I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You

You are Beautiful, You are Beautiful
Oh God, there is no one more Beautiful
You are Beautiful, God you are the most Beautiful

You are Wonderful, You are Wonderful
Oh God, there is no one more Wonderful
You are Wonderful, God You are the most Wonderful

You are Glorious, You are Glorious
Oh God, there is no one more Glorious
You are Glorious, God you are the most Glorious

I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You

And God I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You
There is no one more Beautiful
You are the most Beautiful