When it's dark...that's when He makes us glow...

Glow in the Dark - Jason Grey (click the title to hear the song)

Sometimes the world feels like a mess
Full of drama, full of stress
And life puts a fist right in your ribs
You can hide if you choose to
And no one would even blame you
Or you can let them see how you deal with it

That even in the darkest place
His love can make you radiate

(chorus)
Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark

Don't be ashamed of your past
If you're shattered like a piece of glass
The more broke you are the more the light gets through
Show your wounds and your flaws
Show them why you still need the cross
Let them see the work He's doing in you

That even in the darkest place
His love can make you radiate

(chorus)
Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark

Glow in the dark
Doesn't matter how

----

For a multitude of reasons, these past two weeks have been incredibly hard.  They have been painfully difficult on so many different levels. 

That is why I really liked this line from the song above:

"You can hide if you choose to; And no one would even blame you; Or you can let them see how you deal with it."

Glows in the dark...

This beautiful bird Tom bought and placed in our backyard by Amanda's crepe myrtle.  A sweet reminder of Amanda and how much she loved birds.

No hiding.  Life is messy, ugly, and not always pretty or easy.  I'm okay with not having it all together and not able to hide the grief all the time.

I'm glad I don't face it alone.

"Show them why you still need the cross.  Let them see the work He's doing in you.  That even in the darkest place. His love can make you radiate"

Matthew 5:14-16

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Another "One year ago today...."

One year ago today we celebrated the life that we were blessed to call our daughter. A time of thankfulness, tears, pain and joy all rolled into a beautiful time of worship of a life ended too short for my liking, but in God's perfect timing. 

Have you ever wondered about time....why certain parts of your life seem to drag endlessly on and you feel as if your circumstances will never change? Yet then you have seasons in your life that go by so quickly, you feel as if you blinked and before you realized it - that season is over.  

This past year has been a combination of both. 

When we were first given Amanda's prognosis, it seemed like that time would pass in a nightmarishly blur of pain and illness. Thank God that didn't happen. Instead, He blessed us with an amazing 17 months with our daughter who rarely looked like she had brain cancer that was slowly robbing her life of days.  That would be the thing that I praise Him for, and yet also causes me extreme pain at the exact same time. Because she rarely looked ill, it was easy to not focus on that and simply focus on our family and each day we were given. 

It wasn't until the very end, literally those last two weeks, that we saw the awful reality that cancer was finally robbing her of her independence and soon her life. 

There are no words. There really is no way to make you fully understand because there are no emotions to describe the pain-filled thankfulness I have that she didn't suffer. We didn't watch her life slowly ebb away over weeks, watch her experience physical reactions often caused by brain tumors, or go through traumatic moments of helplessness for all involved. 

I had MY Amanda - that spunky, cuddly, independent beauty up until the very last day of her life on earth.  She was our Amanda until the very end. 

Her very last breath was peaceful. 

Her last words were words of comfort and encouragement to us.  

The hope, peace and comfort that I cling to in the depths of my sorrow shouts of God's mercy and love that He so freely bestows upon His children.  

I know where Amanda is. While I look back at "this past year," time in Heaven is not what we know of time here on earth. 

2 Peter 3:8 says, "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day."

It's hard to wrap my brain around that truth, but if God's Word says it, I believe it with faith. 

Psalm 84:10, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere."

That means that this last year for Amanda has been the best of her life - far better than here on earth. There is no sting in that for me, I rejoice in that.  Although my flesh still wants her here with me.  

We were on the lake the other day and Tom said that he could see her in my smile and in my love of the water....she is forever imprinted on our hearts. Everything we do we see her in it.  We talk about how much she would have loved this or that, but I know that her experiences in Heaven put our best days to shame. 

So as we mark another anniversary today of one year from her memorial service, I will admit the tears are flowing.  But I look back at that day and the rememberence of the outpouring of love and support brings a smile. For me it's a constant reminder of how one life can make a difference. 

Amanda's life was a brightly shining beacon of her love and faith for Christ as she faced adversity and fears.  That fact lightens the burden of days like today a little bit.

One day I hope to not have tears on days like today, but instead to sing and rejoice like they were in Heaven, just like she told me to.....

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Rose Petals and tears...

Amanda's Heaven Day was beautiful.  It was mingled with memories, laughter and many tears.

I came across a song by Jessica Andrews called "Never Forgotten."  You know me, I can think of no better way to share our special family ceremony where we placed our rose petals on her grave than through a slide show.  Sometimes music and pictures can touch you better than written words.

Amanda, sweet girl, you are Never Forgotten. (Click on Never Forgotten to view video.)

When your daughter gives you a glimpse into Heaven......

Before I am even out of bed this morning, my mind is racing through the events of one year ago today.  The words of encouragement and love over the past year have humbled me beyond words.

I am thankful that through Amanda's life and our fumbling walk of grief without her, God has been glorified.  In all things, we have looked to our faith to sustain, lead and carry us on this journey we have been called to.  I know there is no way we could continue with hope if we didn't lean, depend and press deep into our faith in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Our beautiful girl walked through Heaven's Gates at 4:55, August 6, and we have never looked at life the same.  Heaven.  Don't doubt it's real - God allowed us a beautiful glimpse of it through a ten year old's eyes as she passed from this broken world into her eternal home where she waits for us.

So, as this day of remembrance, celebration, and grief begins, I'd like to invite you to walk down memory lane with me.  The post below shares how our family finds comfort and peace through the events of the day Amanda died.  All glory and thanks to God for the gracious and mighty gift He gave us.

From August 6, 2014:
Though we were sure of Amanda's faith in Jesus, by affirmations through conversations we have had, her love, her actions, her convictions, I had often prayed that God would give me assurance that my daughter was safe in His arms when she died.  I’m not sure what I was expecting but wanted it to be evident.  Both Sandy and I had, in the days prior to Amanda’s passing, been praying that when the time came, God would also be merciful and not allow Amanda to suffer over an extended period of time, but that her passing would be peaceful and quick.  Our prayers were graciously answered on the morning of her death.

The morning of August 6, 2014 Sandy was home with Amanda,  I was getting off work, and Brandon was in McGregor staying with family.  Amanda had been up most of the night, not sleeping and on a routine dose of morphine to help with comfort and breathing.  Sandy said they had a good night together, watched movies for most of the night and at one point, even joking about it being an all-night girl’s slumber party.  She saw no indications during the night that Amanda was taking a turn for the worse, so the events of that morning were very unexpected.  Sandy contacted me at about 8:30 as I was leaving to come home telling me I needed to hurry that Amanda was not doing well and that she thought this was the time. 

I got home shortly after Sandy called me and Amanda was displaying several signs that she was having increased difficulty breathing.  We contacted the hospice nurse and had some oxygen brought over by the EMS Commander.  We had a CPAP machine for Amanda that she would occasionally use, but this morning she had become dependent on it to breath.  We placed the oxygen over the CPAP intake and the combination seemed to help her shortness of breath and her color pinked up.  We called PaPa and MaMa Watson to get Brandon and bring him home.

PaPa and MaMa Smith were in town and were going to bring Amanda breakfast from Chick-fil-A, which was a favorite of hers.  They arrived at the house and shortly after, the hospice nurse did also.  Amanda wanted to eat but we did not allow her because of her fatigue and the concern with her choking.  The nurse confirmed she was in a declining state.  We were able to give Amanda some morphine to help her breathing and make her more comfortable. 

During this time of watching our daughter struggle to breath we gathered around her expressing our love through tear soaked words.  Our fatigued daughter would open her eyes and tell us things like, “Why are ya'll saying that, why are ya'll crying, I'm not dying yet.”  We knew differently as signs were pointing to her body trying to compensate.  We made sure we told her everything that was on our hearts as she lay there in bed. 

Amanda then began to “taste food.”  She laid there rolling it over in her mind what it was she was tasting.  Initially she said it was something mom had cooked before.  She eventually said, “No, it's a chocolate Krispy Kreme Doughnut” which drew a laugh from everyone.  A moment later she said, “I taste Lawler.”  We asked, “What do you mean you taste Lawler?”  She explained how what she was now smelling was so familiar that she could taste it.  She then said, “Such sweet memories.”  (Lawler is the church we attended for many years.  This is the church she accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior and was baptized.  Her Papa Smith is also the pastor.  It will always be a special place to our family.)

It was about 9:45 when Amanda surprised us all with the words from seemingly out of nowhere, “I'm dying now.”  She also commented on how things were becoming whiter.  But instead of becoming clinically worse or anxious as one might expect with someone facing death, there was a new look in her eyes.  She was completely alert with a look of awe and wonder.  Her once fatigued voice was now clear and filled with amazement.  These expressions she had cannot be stressed enough because it was so evident;  AWE, WONDER, and  AMAZEMENT!  The first thing she said was “Tell Brandon I love him so much.”  At that time we called Brandon and put him on speaker phone.  We told Amanda to tell Brandon what she told us.  We expected her to tell him how she loved him but shocked us when she said, “Brandon, I'm dying!”  In her voice you could tell she wasn't afraid but confident.  Brandon responded with, “You'll be okay, I'll be home soon.”  Then she said, “I love you Brandon.”  She went on giving us very specific directions:

--Don't forget her or stop talking about her

--Tell Brandon he could have her breakfast from Chic-fil-A

--Celebrate her birthday with a birthday cake with her picture on it every year

--Brandon gets to blow out the candles

--Have pink, purple, and baby blue roses on the anniversary of her death and when they die to put the petals on her grave

--She wanted a red crepe myrtle planted (something we had discussed prior but she couldn't decide on the color)

--Leave her room the way it is, then she added; “but clean it up”

--Have Brandon decorate her deer horns

--Give Ginger her favorite stuffed animals, Puppy and Panda, so Ginger can smell them and not forget her

--Buy her a present at Christmas and let Brandon open it.  Make it candy so he can enjoy it.

--She gave specific instructions for MaMa Smith on how to decorate their Christmas tree with her personal ornaments (each grandchild has an their own box of ornaments to hang)

--To tell her young cousins and the “December baby” about her so they wouldn’t forget her (our sister-in-law is due in December and Amanda called it December baby)

--She said she would tell baby Sam about us and make all of us Christmas ornaments, even the Smith side (baby Sam is her cousin who was stillborn in July, 2011)

--Give Romeo his halter (Amanda’s horse she rode at ROCK)

--Make sure Romeo is taken care of and gets fed

--She told us not to cry and be sad, because she was going to heaven.  She told us she wasn't afraid.

It was a steady stream of instructions until she paused and said “It's getting whiter.”  She then began to describe what she was seeing.  “I can see the pearly gates.” she said next.  She then looked up at Roy and said, “Don't cry Papa, it's not good-bye, but see you later alligator.”  All during this time, she told us over and over that we shouldn't be sad but that we should be singing and rejoicing because that is what they were doing there.  She then said, “The gates, they're opening!”  “It's beautiful. It's just like you said Dad.”  At that point she said, “They’re green.”  Sandy asked “What's green?”  She told us there were grapes everywhere and that they were green and tasted so sweet.  She said, “That's what it means, that's what it means: “I am the vine and you are the branches!”  She saw a big table set with food on it.  Sandy asked her, “Like a feast?” and she said, “Yeah, like a feast.”  She again added, “And they're rejoicing!”  She mentioned seeing Grampy and that she saw a black horse. 

She then said she was seeing a book, that it was a bible, and to read it every day.  It was at this point she was beginning to drift asleep and as her eyes closed, and her breathing slowed the last thing she saw was another big white book.  After that her voice faded and she closed her eyes. 

~Thomas

We wanted to see her face, so Tom removed the CPAP  just so that we could see her.  As we knelt there next to her in the bed, it became quickly obvious that without the CPAP and oxygen, her time would be short.  Wanting Brandon to get home in time to say goodbye, we put the mask back on and she pinked back up again.   Words don’t express my relief when Brandon came running in the room.  We told Amanda that Brandon was there that he had made it home.  She was able to open her eyes, but she didn’t speak.  Throughout the day, the three of us stayed very close to her while family arrived at the house. 

The nurse told us that the last thing to go is hearing, so be sure to talk to her.  Thomas, Brandon and I did that all day.  Family came in one by one to say their goodbyes.  Late that afternoon, she opened her eyes one last time and asked us to take the mask off.  It didn’t take us long to realize her time was coming to an end with us here.

How do you prepare yourself for this time?  How do you comprehend that the child you carried in your womb, gave birth to, who brought you joy you never knew imaginable was leaving this earth?  You don’t.  You can’t. You are just there, clinging to every moment, every second and begging God for it not to happen.  But it happens and all you can do is simply keep breathing. 

As the nurse told us that it wouldn’t be long, grandparents stayed in the room and a few immediate family members while Thomas, Brandon and I snuggled as close to her as we could.  With quiet praise music playing, we were silent, sitting with her, holding her as she breathed her last breath and knew no more pain. 

Peaceful.  Heartbreaking.  Prayers answered.  Amanda didn’t suffer, she wasn’t in pain and the end wasn't as I feared it could be. God was merciful.  

Tom had talked about how he had prayed that God would give him some assurance that she was safe with Him.  He likened it to sending your child on a trip and wanting a call to know they had arrived safely.   

We were given so much more.   

We were given the opportunity to personally drop her off at the gates of Heaven.  

^{Luke 18:16-17}
But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

This painful week - and its lifelong impact

I've written before how in our family, dates on the calendar aren't as important as the celebration themselves.  We have learned to become flexible due to Tom's schedule as a paramedic.  The important thing is that we celebrate the occasion, even if it is a day before or after.

As the "one year day" has gotten closer and closer, I've come to realize that this will be one date on my calendar that will not move.  Ever.  In my mind, August 6 will always be THE DAY we remember and celebrate Amanda's Heaven Day, as one friend so sweetly put it.  We will do this while observing the instructions she gave us on the day she died for us to place petals on her grave each year on the anniversary of her death. 

I remember reading a blog that another parent who had lost a child wrote.  In that blog it talked about how there are two dates that stand out in the minds of parents whose child has died.  The first is the day our child came into this world, and the second is the day our child left this world.  I can't help but wonder if the parent who wrote that has the peace and hope we have through our relationship with Jesus.

I will never loose sight that the moment Amanda slowly drew her last breath was the moment she was walking and running in perfection.  And now, she is living more gloriously and joyously than I can fathom.  She is waiting for the rest of us to join her in our eternal heavenly home. 

Underneath the pain, heartbreak, longing and tears, our foundation is strong by the hope we have in our Lord Jesus. That doesn't mean we don't feel the devastating loss of or child or that the emotions are not as painful, it just means no matter how hard the days are or how dark the moment is - the love and peace of Jesus Christ is able to soothe the sorrows from this broken world we live in. 

For the rest of my life, I can't imagine this week not being a painful reminder of what we lost - our vibrant, beautiful red-headed girl and what we have to look forward to one day.

As I sit here tonight, I honestly don't think these days will ever get easier. 

Hope.  Peace.  Longing for eternity....and so grateful that I have God's truths to cling to in these times of heartache.  

"Mom, you should be singing and rejoicing like they are."  That day she told us over and over that we shouldn't be sad but that we should be singing and rejoicing because that is what they were doing there.  She then said, “The gates, they're opening!”  “It's beautiful. It's just like you said Dad.” 

One day baby girl....one day....I will see you again.

All Of Creation (Even So Come)" (click on the title to hear this beautiful song)

All of creation,
All of the earth,
Make straight a highway,
A path for the Lord,
Jesus is coming soon.

Call back the sinner,
Wake up the saint,
Let every nation,
Shout of Your fame,
Jesus is coming soon.

Like a bride,
Waiting for her groom,
We'll be a church,
Ready for You,
Every heart longing for our King,
We sing...
Even so come,
Lord Jesus come.

There will be justice,
All will be new,
Your name forever,
Faithful and true,
Jesus is coming soon.

So we wait,
We wait for You,
God we wait,
You're coming soon. 

Like a bride,
Waiting for her groom,
We'll be a church,
Ready for You,
Every heart longing for our King,
We sing...
Even so come,
Lord Jesus come.

Amanda's beautiful red crepe myrtle blooming at the school.

Remembering our Amanda

As we start the week off and the countdown in my head keeps getting louder, I am glad we started it with our church family in worship.

The week ahead will be full of heartbreaking reminders of a year ago, yet at the same time full of beautiful reminders of how much we have to be thankful for and the blessings we received during her 17 month battle with cancer.

This morning at church, we had amazing bouquets of flowers made by A Matter of Taste in memory of Amanda at both Crestview and Lawler.

Amanda had once said, "I don't know why this is happening to me, but I know God has a reason."  How right she was.  While I would give anything to have her back, it gives me comfort to know that her life continues to glorify God.

Without fail, God continues to provide our family with the faith and courage we need, when we need it. 

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.