The start of a new chapter for me....

Tonight, I am tired - both emotionally and physically worn out.  I am having trouble putting my thoughts down tonight, but feel compelled to share these past few days. 

As I continue to stumble my way down this path called grief, I am amazed at the depth of grief that can hit you one day, and then find that you feel like a normal human being the next. You can laugh, be joyful, not just happy and then all of the sudden, remember you are missing a part of you.  Not to mention the fact of how grief can sneak up on you like it does.  It can simply come out of nowhere.  Seriously.  No triggers needed!!  It doesn't play fair at all.  Just saying.

Saturday I spent the day with my mom and sisters, then Melinda, Joanna and I met up with our cousins for a fun night of painting!  I love my painting.  We added birds.  The red bird represents Amanda, and the three little yellow birds represent Tom, Brandon and I.  We will always be a family of four and I love finding ways to express that.  I also won a picture because I had the most likes on Facebook about my post for the evening. It was a wonderful evening full of laughter and tears that only family can really understand. 

Sunday and Monday were very hard. Monday was rock bottom, heart breaking hard.  Monday was a day that I never thought would end.  Possibly one of my hardest days in a long while.  I cried more tears than I thought was physically possible.  I hurt more than I thought was possible and it lasted all day.  And yet, yesterday and today were good days.  Can you say 'roller coaster?'  However, making it through those incredibly rough days and having them followed by good days gives me hope for tomorrow.  Those hard days are going to be there, and there will be nothing I can do to stop them, but I like the reassurance of knowing even when I am at rock bottom, I won't stay on the bottom forever. 

Romans 5:3-4
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.

I've spoken about looking for the joy in the storm, and how that is not always easy, but it is a necessity.  I continue to be touched, and more often than not, moved to tears by the stories shared with us about how Amanda's life has touched people.  I see that as God's way of helping mend the brokenness caused by Amanda's absence.  Please keep sharing.

Finding my footing right now is incredibly challenging.  Imagine walking in a tennis shoe and a stiletto heel....at the same time.  Life feels "off" and no matter what we try to do, it will never be normal again.  As I have been rolling that thought around in my mind - I realized that the reality of normal as we knew it forever changed on February 27, 2013.  Everything after that was grace.  Eighteen months of grace.  Eighteen months of His mercies and blessings poured over our family as we worked hard to cherish and soak up memories with Amanda while standing strong in our faith, even in the darkest times.  There is no such thing as normal anymore.

Isaiah 43:1-3
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Today I started a new chapter by going back to work part time.  I returned to the Administration
Office at Grace Academy and while I am in a slightly different position, I am surrounded by people who not only love me, but who loved my girl as well.   Though this may be a very challenging time for all of us in the office as I continue to walk through my grief, I do believe it will be a beautiful part of the healing process for me.  What a blessing from God to have been given this opportunity.  Even with my doubts and concerns about tearful days and messy breakdowns, (Hello Monday!) I honestly look forward to the days ahead of settling back into the office.  

I would appreciate prayers for me as I take this giant step out of my comfort zone.  Please pray for Tom and Brandon as they adjust to me going back to work, even though it is only part time. (To clarify though, Brandon is thrilled to have Mom back on campus!)  I came home today at lunch and was completely wiped out from working so I took a nap.  I see a lot of those in my future....

Hebrews 10:35-36

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

We are reaching that point - well, let me correct that so I don't speak for Tom and Brandon, I am reaching that point where the numbness has worn off, the shock has worn off and the harsh reality of our loss is almost constantly staring me right in the face.  My emotions are so incredibly complex that they wear me out.  I mean, looking at pictures can go from being a sweet moment to an overwhelmingly painful ache in the blink of an eye.  I can look at something or remember a conversation and it can make me laugh out loud or burst into tears.  What an incredible journey this thing called grief is.

What is someone supposed to do with that kind of challenge?  How do you continue to cope, day in and day out?!  I don't know about other people - but for me, you guessed it - I cry out in desperation from the very core of my being in prayer, and often it goes something like this: 

"Dear God, increase my faith! Let me see your joy and hold on to the blessing I have from Amanda's beautiful life.  Give me peace knowing she is with you.  Thank you for giving her to us for almost eleven years and let us continue to live for your glory until you call us home. Come soon, Lord Jesus."   

And while that is sometimes a very hard prayer to pray, there is no other way to survive this new life we find ourselves in. 

Isaiah 54:10

For the mountains may depart

    and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
    and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

So here I go. I'm taking a new step, slowly moving forward bit by bit.  Amanda would be happy and proud of me to be back at Grace.  After all, that had been our plan all along; mom being back at the school this fall.  The heartbreaking part is that she was supposed to be there with me..... and yes, I'll always have her with me, but you know what I mean....it's just not the same without her.

Still, I will look to find joy in each day. 

After all, how could I not have joy working with a group that welcomes me back this way:

A little happy waiting for me when I arrived this morning!

These two gifts are in case I feel the need to be "incognito" at any point......yep - those are going to be really helpful....thanks ladies.

Last but not least, a sweet poem, complete with treats. (In case you didn't notice, the poem had a blue theme that's hard to beat!) I must admit, my favorite gifts of the morning were the Starbucks Toffee Nut syrup and Starbucks k-cups!  They know how I love my coffee.

No regrets

No regrets.  I can honestly look back at the past two years and say that I have no regrets....save one.  I regret that we didn't take more video.  I took a ton of pictures, and I am very glad I did - but there is nothing like seeing those face expressions, hearing Amanda's laugh, her voice and just "seeing" her again. 

Even with that, I am still so thankful that I have that ability to say 'no regrets.'  We understood the reality of the situation and took full advantage of the time we had with Amanda. We are pleased with all the medical teams we worked with and the decisions we made regarding her care.  The house might have been in shambles, but if we were piled up together as a family watching a movie or playing cards, our priorities were right.  I had the privilege of staying home with Amanda and I would spend as much time as possible close to her, I would crawl in bed next to her when she asked, take her to ROCK when she felt like it, we swam as often as she wanted, the list could go on and on.....we cherished and soaked up every moment.  We were incredibly, overwhelming blessed by friends from all over to experience amazing opportunities as a family and to make incredible memories.

How awesome is it to be able to say "no regrets!"  We had ten, almost eleven, wonderful, amazing, adventurous, life-changing years with Amanda.  Our lives, and countless others, will forever be changed by that precious, vibrant, red-haired girl.

I would like to talk a little about grief for a moment.  I want you to know that I am not drowning in grief day in and day out - thank goodness!  There is no rule book for grief, no road map and no "right or wrong" way to grieve.  There is no checklist to accomplish or timeline and then call it done.  A loss as big as a child is gonna have some serious grief to follow and it will last a lifetime.  The pure randomness of the "triggers" that bring on the tidal wave of grief is exhausting and you never know where, when or why they will hit. (Think grocery store- seeing her favorite fruit....) The sucker punch of the pain brings on a panic I have never experienced before.

Aren't we glad we serve a God where we are able to find true joy despite the grief that we experience?  There is true joy and hope that is found only in Him.  Because, people, if you haven't realized it yet, life is hard and painful and messy.  As I shared in my last post, there are times that I feel like I am standing in the middle of blackness crying out to God.  And He is powerful enough and loves me enough to shine His joy through even my deepest grief. 

And I am so glad to have His joy.  Joy that will last because it comes from our Heavenly Father.  I know the truth.  I know deep in my heart and in my head that Amanda's life was not only a beautiful gift that we must share, but I know that I will be with her again in eternity. As a Christian, I know that she has simply changed her place of residence and she is waiting for me right now.  But for right now, as I've said before, I am selfish, pure and simple.  I want her here, with me.  I know God gets that.

I also know that God understands when I have those moments where I cry out from the very depths of my soul aching for Him to come drench me in His joy to come because the pain is too much. The pain is just too much to bear.  As the reality continues to slowly sink in that she is gone - really gone forever from this earth, it will take me giving up total surrender to His grace and strength to simply stay upright.  Prayers from my heart that say, "God, I can't do this.  I can't take another breath without it all being you.  I don't know how." and He will be right there to hold me up.

Joy can and does overwhelm my grief just as Jesus overcame the grave.  I want to stand firm on His truths.  My journey ahead is long, the healing process only beginning, but praise God, I don't walk it alone.

I Corinthians 15:55-57
 “Death is swallowed up in victory.” 
“O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

When I worked at Grace, Brandon and Amanda would often come in the office and leave me notes on my desk. Apparently one didn't get packed with my other things when I quit working.  This precious gift was given to me this week.  What a wonderful little message from my sweet girl.  The timing just right, the message, though simple, spoke to my hurting heart.  Our God is good - all the time.

Touching lives..

I was handed a paper the other day that was a school assignment done by one of our Grace Academy Rhetoric students.

The assignment was to write a one page narrative recording your own experience of salvation or detailing a time when you saw God's hand at work in your life.  This blew me away. 

There used to be a girl on this earth named Amanda.  She was a beautiful, spunky girl who loved to have fun.  When everyone found out she had a cancerous brain tumor, it came as a shock.  I didn't even know how to react to the the little girl I had played barbies with and played the Wii with could have such a serious illness.  I couldn't, at that time, even imagine what her family could potentially go through and has now gone through.

However, even after the family found out Amanda's situation, their family stayed strong in the Lord.  They made themselves a wonderful example of what it means to suffer in Christ.  They kept their faith and trusted God through all her ups and downs.  Amanda's mother even wrote a blog to help people keep up with how Amanda was doing and she put a scripture relating to each blog. These things demonstrated to me how rock solid their family's faith was.  Even now, although Amanda is gone, this family's faith is still rock solid.

You might ask how this applies to me.  Well, from watching this family suffer and wondering how it is even possible for this to happen, I have learned many things.  I have seen and learned that when life is tough is the most important time to keep your faith strong.  The reason for this is that God is the only one who can get you through a hard  time.  I also learned what an impact one person's life can have on many others. Amanda was a leader whether she knew it or not.  How Amanda lived her life was an example to many, including me.  I needed to know that what you do and how you live can have an impact on others, even when it may not seem like it.
 
God worked in my life through Amanda's life.  She taught me many lessons that I needed to learn.  One of which being that you can be a leader, even in small ways, to others, without even knowing it.  God knew exactly what I needed to learn from Amanda's life and I really see His hand in this.  It may seem like a very small thing, but it made a big difference in how I can try to live my life.


Humbled.  Encouraged.  Blessed. 

Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Searching for rays of joy through the storm...

So I'm not gonna lie.  This seems to be getting harder.  The day in and day out of just plain missing my girl.  I know, I know - I have already said this, but WOW.  Who knew grief could be so overwhelmingly wicked? And painful?

So as I feel like I am standing in the vortex of a massive storm, I frantically look around pleading with God to help me see the joy.  I beg Him to open my eyes to the amazing influence our beautiful, precious daughter's life had because of her faith in Him.  I know that this suffering has not been in vain.

When I remember my girl and the past eighteen months, ROCK stands out as a huge place of joy for Amanda.  Not only was it the horses, and that was a huge part of it for her, but it was the people there as well.  Not only did they love her, but they saw the love and connection she had to the horses and did everything they could to nurture and grow that love.  It was an amazing place for her. 

My niece, Sandra Jo, works there.  On the morning of Amanda's passing, it was a training day for the staff.  As Sandra Jo shared the news with everyone, there happened to be a Williamson County Sun reporter on sight doing an article on ROCK as part of a series on non-profits for the August 24 edition.  Natalie Townsend was the writer and she did a beautiful job capturing the moment.  While it breaks my heart every time I read it, it also is a reminder to me of just how much the staff at ROCK loved my girl.  And for this momma, that does my heart good.  It is a ray of joy that shines through the dark.

Below is the portion of the article that relates to Amanda, but there is more to the article than just this excerpt.  I encourage you to read the full article here if you happened to have missed it.  It's titled "Horses Help the Healing Process."

"An uncharacteristic silence descended August 6 on the Ride On Center for Kids arena during a staff-training event. 
Upon learning of a young client's death, the riders hung their heads while dutifully executing training maneuvers, their slanted helmets shading red-rimmed eyes.  The procession of horses left a trail of tears in its wake.
Nancy O'Meara Krenek, chief executive officers of ROCK, had been preparing to leave for a conference in Nashville.  Once she heard the news, however, she rushed to join her instructors, riding bareback into the arena.  "You won't see many smiles today," Ms. Krenek said, wiping her teary eyes.  "It's probably good that they [the riding instructors] are riding."  Hugging and massaging the necks of their horses, trainers sought comfort from the animals that are so integral to their client's therapy.
.....Although the death of their client will surely linger in the minds of ROCK instructors and volunteers, they will respect her memory by continuing to serve others in need.
With an aching heart but an unwavering mission, they will ride on."

On a horse - she had joy and it spilled over to those she was around at ROCK.  She would forget the cancer, the treatment and anything else that was physically bothering her and just have enjoy being on a horse.  I am so thankful for ROCK.  I'm thankful for the people and the horses that blessed her life in such a huge way.

James 1:17

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change

Memorial Dedication at Grace Academy on Amanda's Birthday

On Tuesday, Amanda's birthday, we attended a special dedication ceremony in memory of Amanda at Grace Academy.

I began working at Grace as the receptionist when Brandon was in the first grade.  At that point, Amanda was in Pre-K, so she spent many a morning sitting behind my desk waiting for Aunt Jo Jo to come pick her up and take her to her "school."  Amanda loved Grace Academy.  She was proud of her school, loved her peers, and loved to get up every day to go to class. 

We are so grateful to the family at Grace Academy and how they have supported us throughout this trial.  This special memorial for her on campus is a touching tribute to our family.  I don't think I can adequately say just how much it means to me.  It was born out of the love from the students and families that wanted to honor her life, and it is beautiful.

The morning in pictures......
Just a few different views from the bench:

Our property is gorgeous,. You can sit and view the sunrise from the bench.

It was a small family affair with just the student body, staff, faculty and board along with our family and both sets of grandparents.

Dr. Diener did a wonderful job keeping us focused on the hope we have in Christ. 

"Since Amanda's passing, many of our our community members have asked what they can do and have expressed a heartfelt desire to do something, like place a memorial here on campus in honor of Amanda's life and our memories of her."  He then quoted from  1 Thessalonians chapter 4:
¹³ But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴ For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁵ For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words.
"We all grieve Amanda's death in different ways.  I encourage you that we grieve, but that we grieve as those who have hope in a God who is eternal and who provides eternal life.  And we know that one day we will share that again with Amanda, even as we were able to share a few short years with her here on this earth."

This view is from a tree on the school playground that Amanda was always playing around.  Thank you Susan, for remembering that about our girl.

Tom shared a few words with the students:

"There are three things that I can remember Amanda loved and cherished here on earth.  In no particular order, they were horses, her family and of course Grace Academy; the students, the teachers and everything that Grace Academy encompasses. She loved her friends and they always welcomed her back with open arms when she would come back here.  Teachers, there was never a year that she she had any complaints.  She loved coming to school and it was one of the things she looked forward to being back to, coming back to Grace Academy.  Mrs. Moore sent us an email shortly after her passing that said in Latin, Amanda's name meant, "A girl who must be loved."  And that was Amanda, wasn't it? She was loving, she was kind, she was good.  She was a joyful human being.  As I began thinking more and more about that, I thought of what Paul told the church of Ephesus:  to live your life worthy of the calling for that which you have been called.   And Amanda did that.  She lived her life worthy of the calling for which she was called for.  I just want to tell you that each one of you also, in Jesus Christ, have a purpose and have a calling.  This beautiful bench here; my prayer will be that when you look upon it, whether you sit here for rest or for prayer, or whether you are on the campus and see it from a distance; that you would think of Amanda, and think of a girl that is worthy of love.  But also that you would think of your calling and your purpose in Christ. You are very special to us and will always be family.  We love you very much."

We sang the beautiful hymn, "Great is Thy Faithfulness"

Mr. Cauley, praying and blessing the bench.

  "Students, this is a pretty special place.  This land, this property has been prayed over for more than a decade that God would powerfully move in the hearts and minds and lives of the people who come here.  And now this place becomes a very sacred place.  A place where we remember Amanda Watson.  A child God knew before he created stars and planets.  A child he chose to be his own and a child who was preciously knit together in her mother's womb and brought onto this planet for His glory and our great joy.  Amanda Watson's life was amazing.  The light that came out of her life and her family is still reverberating around the globe right now.  While people in Africa are reading the blog, people in Asia are reading the blog; they are being stirred in the depths of their being over a God who walks people through suffering in life, because of Amanda and her family.  This place is not only a celebration of her life, but a challenge to you.  What will your life mean? What difference will your life make? That's our prayer for this, that as we come here, we remember that this life if short - the next one is forever.  We have a God who loves you. A God who changes things. A God who has an amazing purpose for your life - if you will, like Amanda, like the Watsons, surrender your heart to Him by faith. So let's pray over this area, thanking God for Amanda.  Let this be a place where her life is remembered, let it be a sacred place where adults and students remember that this life is short;  so live with purpose and live for His Glory."  

In memory of Amanda, each member of her class wrote her a note of a special memory or a bible verse. and placed it inside the balloons.  They then released them in celebration of her best birthday ever.   I love these kids so much.

 

I love these ladies.  And yes....that is Brandon photo-bombing the picture....

Behind the scenes of how a good shot happens...

Now, a decent picture of me and the ladies I love so much.  These women hold me accountable to what God's word says - about me, about this journey we have been on and they remind me of His glorious, never ending mercies.

I. Love. This. Picture!!  Me and my momma.

Amanda's life has reached so very many people.  This beautiful bench was donated to Lawler Baptist Church in Florence, were my dad is the pastor, and is located in the prayer garden on the hill behind the sanctuary.  It has a lovely view of Amanda's final resting place.

We continue to celebrate Amanda's life everyday and find joy in the impact she has had on so many people.

Throughout the darkness of my pain, grieving and heartbreak, God's love and blessings still somehow manages to break through and shine brighter.... and for that I am grateful.

Blessed.  Loved.  Thankful.

Isaiah 12:2
"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation."