The hits keep coming....and yet we continue to move forward

This week we started the ordering process for Amanda's headstone for her grave.

........

Yeah, that's how I felt. Not only could I not believe that we were actually sitting there, picking out a headstone, but putting it down in words is more painful than I imagined it would be.  No parent should go through this. 

The hits keep coming.

What a week this has been.  Every "first" simply hurts, and the list of firsts that we will face in the days and years to come is daunting.  The thing is, thankfully, I do have moments of normalcy.  Moments where life goes on, and I begin to feel like things are going to be okay.  And then there are those moments that I remember and it hits me like a brick.  Wait a minute, Amanda's gone.  And something as simple as a thought like that can bring on the waterfall.  How in the world do you take another step knowing that a part of you is just......gone.   It doesn't take more than a single thought to completely unravel any amount of composure that I had foolishly thought I had.  I do have to say, sometimes it is not a total meltdown, sometimes it feels more like a slow crumble.....I don't know which one is worse.  I will also say, I don't walk around like a total mess all the time.   Sometimes that crumbling is happening on the inside and I have learned how to cover it.  With life ruthlessly going on, there is no other choice than to learn how to, at times, hide/cope/handle those emotions and move forward.  Have no fear, I have no trouble facing them and letting them out.  Crying is very therapeutic for me. 

The funny thing is, I'm alright with that at this point.  Grief hurts, it's not pretty, and the part that really stinks is that there is no timeline for it.  (There goes my control side, wanting a time line or something) I know life will never be the same.  There will always be that piece of Amanda missing in my life, and it is not a small piece.  I know one day I will learn to live life in a way that will feel like a new normal, but that day feels very far away.   And I find comfort in God's word and know that there is a bigger work going on in this refining process than I can see right now:

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Any normal I may have or find is focusing my attention on my boys, most importantly, Brandon.  I have to make sure that he is doing well.  That he is able to learn to cope with this loss and despite it, still live his life to glorify God even though we don't understand God's plan at this point in our lives.  Being a mom has taken on a extremely new challenge and I am so thankful that God has given me Thomas to help lead us in this painful journey.. We continue to balance out each other (and let's be honest here, we sometimes clash) with our differences, but we come together in our strengths and stand firm on our foundation.

John 15:5
 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

So as I struggle in my day to day life, trying to learn a new "normal," I have a new desire to make sure every day counts.   Some days that is simply taking care of my family.  Other days it is sharing Amanda's story with someone, and stressing the importance of taking your faith seriously in our limited time here in this life.  Yet there are also those days it is merely putting one foot in front of the other and focusing on taking each breath. 

The exhausting part is that each day it is merely a question of which day it will be.....and knowing that it can change at any time.

2 Corinthians 4:7-9; 16-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair;persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Three weeks today.....

Amanda has been gone three weeks today.  Just typing that brings the tears and makes the future feel so incredibly painful.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was my first day that Tom worked and Brandon was in school.  After the day I had on Monday, I was a little apprehensive.

Brandon and I, along with Bo and Ginger, drove to school....I dropped him off and as I was leaving campus, a song came on the radio.  A song called "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.  The song goes like this:

"Worn"  (click on the title to hear the song on YouTube)

I’m tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

As I drove home, alone, facing yet another first, the song washed over me, almost like a personal prayer to God.  I will admit that I find myself very consciously living in the moment.  Anything else is simply too painful and exhausting.  As the day went on, I stayed busy, running errands with my mom and for the most part, it was an easier day than Monday was.  We still shed tears and shared memories, but there hasn't been a day that has gone by since Amanda has passed that I haven't done that.....and done it often.

One of our stops was to Dell to return the banner with Amanda's picture on it that we borrowed for her memorial service.  I had the opportunity to once again give a quick hug to Dr. George and Dr. Harrod.  I am surprised at how much I realized that I will miss seeing those wonderful people.  They were such a huge part of our family for the past year and a half, and always will be.  Not making that trip and seeing them on a regular basis is just another example of how my world continues to feel turned upside down.  I imagine we will return to see them on occasion, just to see their sweet faces and hug their necks. 

The day ended picking up Brandon from football and having dinner with my mom and dad.  From there, Brandon and I experienced another first - the two of us going to see Tom at the station and wrapping up a school night alone.  I am incredibly grateful that I have Tom and Brandon to focus on.

Life is painful and different, but it is still marching on and we have no choice but to be drug along with it while we try to find our footing in each new day. 

I've been asked if I think I will ever be truly happy again.  I answered quickly "Yes, but there will always be a part of me missing."  I have the joy of knowing that I will see Amanda again.  It is learning to live without her here, with me, that is the challenge.  And I never realized how difficult this would be.  I thought I had been preparing myself for when this day came, but I was wrong.  Nothing can prepare you for this.

I can't imagine waking up and facing each new day without knowing that I have a sovereign God who is already going before me before I even step out of bed.....His mercies are new and big and deeper than I ever imagined.

While today has been another emotional day for me, Thomas and I had the privilege of visiting Amanda's class today to visit for a short while. First, let me just say that God is good and he carried me through that time with composure and what I hope was evident love for those students.  Being able to stand before them as Tom thanked them for their friendship, encouragement and how they always welcomed Amanda when she visited the class during the last year and half was such a blessing to us.  Amanda loved her school.  She loved her friends.  We reminded them that we will always be Amanda's parents and they, as a class, will always have a special place in our hearts and encouraged them to always feel free to talk to us and share stories about Amanda that they remember whenever they see us.  We look forward to watching them grow and achieve all that they have before them.  We also spoke of Amanda's upcoming birthday and how we would bring a cookie cake, just like we have every year since kindergarten and celebrate that day together.   Our time ended with me telling them how we are walking this hard path.  I told them for me it is with many tears because I miss her, but we know she is in heaven.  I also talk to God a lot - and I encouraged them to do the same thing when they thought of Amanda and found themselves missing her.  They need to share that with God and rely on His strength.  How precious it is that Grace Academy is in our lives during this most difficult time to support and encourage us?  We are so blessed.

I've often mentioned "leaning" into God's grace -well these days, I find that it more like I simply dive in head first.....

Isaiah 58:11

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched place and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

A painful start to my week.....

Today has been one of those days, so if I ramble, please forgive me.  Once I have cried as much as I have today, my mind becomes so foggy, I find I have trouble making sense....

I miss Amanda so terribly and the reality of our new normal keeps getting more and more real.  Today was the kind of day where every step and every breath hurt.  A day where the panic and pain made me wonder how I was going to be able to survive the day.   My days feel so empty without her to fill them.  I am incredibly thankful for my husband, who will sit with me, cry the tears with me and allow me to just feel. 

Romans 8:26-28
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

This scripture continues to become more and more personal and true for me as this journey continues on.  I find comfort in knowing that we have many people continuing to cover our family in prayer and the fact that God is working all things together for good, even if I can't see it now. 

What also makes days like today somehow bearable is hearing and knowing how Amanda's story is touching lives.   Thomas and I have always known she was going to have a great ministry one day.  We saw her compassionate heart and love for God and knew that she was going to do a mighty work for God's Kingdom.  We never imagined it would turn out this way.

So while we mourn the heartbreaking loss of our precious, vivacious daughter, we have the ability to find the joy in knowing that people have been and continue to be touched and changed by her life.

There are going to be more days like today in my future.  It will only get harder before it gets easier.  I know that.  I catch myself calling out to both the kids to come do something, or get up to go check on Amanda because she hasn't called for me in awhile, or even find a stray piece of laundry here or there and I'm reminded she is gone.  Everyday things that simply come natural are the most painful.

Not to mention the fact that Amanda's birthday is just a few weeks away.  Followed by the holidays......

The path ahead, though rocky with sorrow and tears, stays the same for our family.  We will strive to live our lives giving God the glory in all that we do. 

I am very aware that it will be my faith and trust in God that will guide me daily, step by step....breath by breath.....and during days like today,  He has proven faithful to carry me through.  His word promises me that.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Prayers answered

Though we were sure of Amanda's faith in Jesus, by affirmations through conversations we have had, her love, her actions, her convictions, I had often prayed that God would give me assurance that my daughter was safe in His arms when she died.  I’m not sure what I was expecting but wanted it to be evident.  Both Sandy and I had, in the days prior to Amanda’s passing, been praying that when the time came, God would also be merciful and not allow Amanda to suffer over an extended period of time, but that her passing would be peaceful and quick.  Our prayers were graciously answered on the morning of her death.

The morning of August 6, 2014 Sandy was home with Amanda,  I was getting off work, and Brandon was in McGregor staying with family.  Amanda had been up most of the night, not sleeping and on a routine dose of morphine to help with comfort and breathing.  Sandy said they had a good night together, watched movies for most of the night and at one point, even joking about it being an all-night girl’s slumber party.  She saw no indications during the night that Amanda was taking a turn for the worse, so the events of that morning were very unexpected.  Sandy contacted me at about 8:30 as I was leaving to come home telling me I needed to hurry that Amanda was not doing well and that she thought this was the time. 

I got home shortly after Sandy called me and Amanda was displaying several signs that she was having increased difficulty breathing.  We contacted the hospice nurse and had some oxygen brought over by the EMS Commander.  We had a CPAP machine for Amanda that she would occasionally use, but this morning she had become dependent on it to breath.  We placed the oxygen over the CPAP intake and the combination seemed to help her shortness of breath and her color pinked up.  We called PaPa and MaMa Watson to get Brandon and bring him home.

PaPa and MaMa Smith were in town and were going to bring Amanda breakfast from Chick-fil-A, which was a favorite of hers.  They arrived at the house and shortly after, the hospice nurse did also.  Amanda wanted to eat but we did not allow her because of her fatigue and the concern with her choking.  The nurse confirmed she was in a declining state.  We were able to give Amanda some morphine to help her breathing and make her more comfortable. 

During this time of watching our daughter struggle to breath we gathered around her expressing our love through tear soaked words.  Our fatigued daughter would open her eyes and tell us things like, “Why are ya'll saying that, why are ya'll crying, I'm not dying yet.”  We knew differently as signs were pointing to her body trying to compensate.  We made sure we told her everything that was on our hearts as she lay there in bed. 

Amanda then began to “taste food.”  She laid there rolling it over in her mind what it was she was tasting.  Initially she said it was something mom had cooked before.  She eventually said, “No, it's a chocolate Krispy Kreme Doughnut” which drew a laugh from everyone.  A moment later she said, “I taste Lawler.”  We asked, “What do you mean you taste Lawler?”  She explained how what she was now smelling was so familiar that she could taste it.  She then said, “Such sweet memories.”  (Lawler is the church we attended for many years.  This is the church she accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior and was baptized.  Her Papa Smith is also the pastor.  It will always be a special place to our family.)

It was about 9:45 when Amanda surprised us all with the words from seemingly out of nowhere, “I'm dying now.”  She also commented on how things were becoming whiter.  But instead of becoming clinically worse or anxious as one might expect with someone facing death, there was a new look in her eyes.  She was completely alert with a look of awe and wonder.  Her once fatigued voice was now clear and filled with amazement.  These expressions she had cannot be stressed enough because it was so evident;  AWE, WONDER, and  AMAZEMENT!  The first thing she said was “Tell Brandon I love him so much.”  At that time we called Brandon and put him on speaker phone.  We told Amanda to tell Brandon what she told us.  We expected her to tell him how she loved him but shocked us when she said, “Brandon, I'm dying!”  In her voice you could tell she wasn't afraid but confident.  Brandon responded with, “You'll be okay, I'll be home soon.”  Then she said, “I love you Brandon.”  She went on giving us very specific directions:

--Don't forget her or stop talking about her

--Tell Brandon he could have her breakfast from Chic-fil-A

--Celebrate her birthday with a birthday cake with her picture on it every year

--Brandon gets to blow out the candles

--Have pink, purple, and baby blue roses on the anniversary of her death and when they die to put the petals on her grave

--She wanted a red crepe myrtle planted (something we had discussed prior but she couldn't decide on the color)

--Leave her room the way it is, then she added; “but clean it up”

--Have Brandon decorate her deer horns

--Give Ginger her favorite stuffed animals, Puppy and Panda, so Ginger can smell them and not forget her

--Buy her a present at Christmas and let Brandon open it.  Make it candy so he can enjoy it.

--She gave specific instructions for MaMa Smith on how to decorate their Christmas tree with her personal ornaments (each grandchild has an their own box of ornaments to hang)

--To tell her young cousins and the “December baby” about her so they wouldn’t forget her (our sister-in-law is due in December and Amanda called it December baby)

--She said she would tell baby Sam about us and make all of us Christmas ornaments, even the Smith side (baby Sam is her cousin who was stillborn in July, 2011)

--Give Romeo his halter (Amanda’s horse she rode at ROCK)

--Make sure Romeo is taken care of and gets fed

--She told us not to cry and be sad, because she was going to heaven.  She told us she wasn't afraid.

It was a steady stream of instructions until she paused and said “It's getting whiter.”  She then began to describe what she was seeing.  “I can see the pearly gates.” she said next.  She then looked up at Roy and said, “Don't cry Papa, it's not good-bye, but see you later alligator.”  All during this time, she told us over and over that we shouldn't be sad but that we should be singing and rejoicing because that is what they were doing there.  She then said, “The gates, they're opening!”  “It's beautiful. It's just like you said Dad.”  At that point she said, “They’re green.”  Sandy asked “What's green?”  She told us there were grapes everywhere and that they were green and tasted so sweet.  She said, “That's what it means, that's what it means: “I am the vine and you are the branches!”  She saw a big table set with food on it.  Sandy asked her, “Like a feast?” and she said, “Yeah, like a feast.”  She again added, “And they're rejoicing!”  She mentioned seeing Grampy and that she saw a black horse. 

She then said she was seeing a book, that it was a bible, and to read it every day.  It was at this point she was beginning to drift asleep and as her eyes closed, and her breathing slowed the last thing she saw was another big white book.  After that her voice faded and she closed her eyes. 

~Thomas

We wanted to see her face, so Tom removed the CPAP  just so that we could see her.  As we knelt there next to her in the bed, it became quickly obvious that without the CPAP and oxygen, her time would be short.  Wanting Brandon to get home in time to say goodbye, we put the mask back on and she pinked back up again.   Words don’t express my relief when Brandon came running in the room.  We told Amanda that Brandon was there that he had made it home.  She was able to open her eyes, but she didn’t speak.  Throughout the day, the three of us stayed very close to her while family arrived at the house. 

The nurse told us that the last thing to go is hearing, so be sure to talk to her.  Thomas, Brandon and I did that all day.  Family came in one by one to say their goodbyes.  Late that afternoon, she opened her eyes one last time and asked us to take the mask off.  It didn’t take us long to realize her time was coming to an end with us here.

How do you prepare yourself for this time?  How do you comprehend that the child you carried in your womb, gave birth to, who brought you joy you never knew imaginable was leaving this earth?  You don’t.  You can’t. You are just there, clinging to every moment, every second and begging God for it not to happen.  But it happens and all you can do is simply keep breathing. 

As the nurse told us that it wouldn’t be long, grandparents stayed in the room and a few immediate family members while Thomas, Brandon and I snuggled as close to her as we could.  With quiet praise music playing, we were silent, sitting with her, holding her as she breathed her last breath and knew no more pain. 

Peaceful.  Heartbreaking.  Prayers answered.  Amanda didn’t suffer, she wasn’t in pain and the end wasn't as I feared it could be. God was merciful.  

Tom had talked about how he had prayed that God would give him some assurance that she was safe with Him.  He likened it to sending your child on a trip and wanting a call to know they had arrived safely.   

We were given so much more.   

We were given the opportunity to personally drop her off at the gates of Heaven.  

^{Luke 18:16-17}
But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

Tom's look back at Amanda finding peace in the storm...

On June 30, 2014 Amanda had her end of treatment MRI.   At that point, Amanda had finished her treatment plan of 12 monthly treatments of chemotherapy drugs and bio-therapy infusions.  On July 1, we received the results confirming that the area that the doctors were keeping an eye on was indeed tumor growth despite all of their efforts to kill the cancer. 

On the day we received the results of the MRI, before we even left the doctor’s office, Amanda was already asking what the results were.  I remember holding back the tears as she was so strong in her questioning, ready to take on the answer face to face.  Looking back, the continued weakness and slight physical signs were there, but we tried to contribute it to a buildup of chemo in her body.  But Amanda was extremely in tune to her body,  I think she already knew.  I told her to let us check out and we would discuss it when we got to the car.

Once we got to the car, she asked again what the results showed.  With tears flowing, Sandy and I broke the news that the MRI showed that the tumor was continuing to grow.  She cried and shut everything, including us, out.  It was a long ride home in silence.  As I drove, Sandy sat in the back seat with Amanda, and all Amanda did was look out the window.  I kept trying to imagine what must be going through her mind while at the same time dealing with the news myself.

We arrived home and she went straight to her room.  Sandy and I followed and sat with her on her floor as she initially tried to push us away again.  This time we stayed and held each other close as we three sat there crying.  This was the first time we had the hard conversation about what the MRI results meant, lack of effective options, and even the real possibility of dying.  To hear Amanda crying as she stated “I don't want to die!” hurt so deeply.  To hear our daughter, who hated going through surgery, radiation, and chemo treatments state that she would do any of these again if she needed to simply reaffirmed her statement of not wanting to die.  We then had to tell her only one of those options were available, but that even that option would not kill the cancer.  

We talked about what dying meant for her as a child of God through Jesus Christ, and that at this point we were completely in His arms.  If there was going to be a miracle, this would be the best time, when God would get the glory and nothing else.  She was concerned about being away from everyone she knew and loved.  We talked about how she would not be alone, but with God, who loves her more than anything she has ever known here.  We told her that  we would be the ones having to suffer through the pain of losing her, not the other way around.  

Sandy and I were able to offer comfort to her by telling her that our plans for her future were not changing despite this news.  That the plans we had for the future were the same:  that weekend we were going to be with extended family for a week, she would still ride at ROCK next year, and in a couple of months we planned on her starting school and that she was already enrolled, etc.  We told her that we pray like we have from the beginning; asking for a miracle, for healing, and trusting God no matter what the outcome.  The conversation and prayer time seemed to allow her to better wrap her mind around the situation.

We had to wait two weeks to allow her body to recover from her last treatment cycle before we could start any other treatment options.  During that time Amanda continued to slowly worsen.  Her walking was unsteady again, she was weakening, and her body just didn't feel right according to her.  It was also during this time Sandy I had conversations between us of what she must be thinking and how a 10 year old processes this information.  She didn't talk much about it.  

It was the early morning hours of July 18, 2014 around 3:00 a.m.  Amanda had been having trouble sleeping at night; up every couple of hours to use the restroom but then unable to get back to sleep due to being uncomfortable and “not feeling right.”  There was one particular time that she woke up and seemed to be very anxious.  She was physically calm but through her voice, her breathing, and her exasperation, I could tell there was anxiety.  I went around and sat next to the bed where she was lying.  I took her hand and asked her if she was scared.  “Yes.” she replied.  “What are you afraid of?” I asked. --no answer-- “Are you afraid of hurting?” “Yes.” she answered.  I assured her that we were going to do all that we could to keep her comfortable and keep her from hurting.  I then asked her, “Are you afraid of dying?” “Yes.” she replied.  We talked, as before, about the promises from God, about what happens to us as Christians when we die, what that means for us, and about heaven.  I told her it was understandable why she was scared but that she didn't have to be.  

“How do we know it's real Dad?” she asked.  “Know what's real sweety? Heaven?” I said.  “Yes” she replied.  I told her because God tells us that is where we go if our faith is in Jesus.  We talked about trusting God. “How do we know God is real?” she asked.  The scripture the Spirit had recently put on my heart from a recent bible study was Romans 5: 1-5.  We read it and talked about the hope we have in God's glory through faith in Jesus Christ.  We talked about her faith in Jesus and about evidence of the Holy Spirit in her life.  We can be sure of our hope because God poured his love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.  That was our conversation...

It was like in her heart she said, Okay, I'm good, that’s what I needed to hear.  From there, for the first time, she opened up and talked about what she wanted if she died.  In later conversations, she always followed that up with, “but there's still time for that miracle!”  The first thing she asked was that we don't ever stop talking about her.  Then she told me not to let her younger cousins forget her and to tell the baby due in December about her.  The last thing she told me that night was that she wanted a vanilla birthday cake with her picture on it every year for her birthday.  The anxiety I saw that early morning I never saw in her again.  She was confident of her salvation.

In the following days I followed up with her on her question of how we know God is real.  I pointed her to how we know God is real through his creation (Romans 1:19-20, Psalm 19:1) Amanda loved God's creation; people, the outdoors, plants and animals.  We also had discussions about how God revealed himself through the prophets and most greatly in these last days through his son, Jesus (Hebrews 1:1-2).  Each conversation allowed her to open up more about how she wanted things to go if she died, again following it up with, “but there's still time for that miracle!”  

We discussed treatment options on July 21, had another MRI on the 22 to help us decide which way to go, and decided to continue on another chemotherapy drug on the 23.  We all knew the effects of this chemo where minimal at best, but that it might buy us more time.  It was on this ride home from the clinic on the 21 that I first remember Amanda saying, “It's not goodbye, but see ya’ later.”  I remember how those words brought me peace.  She understood, she was confident, she was not afraid.

Writing this and looking back, it leaves me speechless to see how quickly things progressed after the MRI on June 30.  At the time, it seemed to me like months instead of just over a month.  We had many prayers during that month's time.  In a later post, we will share how God answered those prayers.

~Thomas

John 16:33

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Link for Amanda's Memorial Service and slideshow

Well, another day of firsts down.  Brandon's first day of seventh grade. (Which, overall, went very well.)  Our first day to take one child to school.  My first day of not working or having a child to take care of.  My first trip to the grocery store....and on and on.  I pretty much fought the tears all day, and there were plenty of times the tears won.  I am so grateful Tom was next to me, taking all these first steps right beside me.

Today it has been two weeks.  That's it.....a mere 14 days.  It feels like two lifetimes instead of two weeks......the thought of the life in front of us without her is too painful to even let myself move past this day. I am pushing myself to only live moment by moment, breath by breath.  That is all I can handle at this point.

Saturday's service continues to be a sweet memory.  We wanted to share the service and slideshow here on the blog for anyone that was not able to be there.    Or  perhaps you are like me and just want to experience again both the beauty and heartbreak as they seamlessly combined to make an unforgettable celebration of our beautiful daughter's life.

We shared a slide show that is not able to be seen during the video of the service, so a link for that video is also included below. 

Amanda Watson's Memorial Service

Amanda Watson's Memorial Service Slideshow

Romans 8:37-39

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Our last getaway before school starts....

We received the video of Amanda's memorial service and will share the link here on the blog this week along with Amanda's slideshow. (If I can figure out how to post it!)  Our Crestview family has been so incredibly supportive during this entire journey, but especially in the planning and setup for Saturday, as well as during that entire morning.   So blessed.

Many have asked for more details about what Amanda shared with us on her last morning.  At some point in the very near future we will share in more detail about the morning that Amanda went to heaven here on the blog because it was an answer to prayer. We prayed that God would be merciful, and He was.  It was a beautiful ending to an amazing life story.  The time we were given to spend with her that last morning and the conversations we had were a blessing straight from God. I look forward to sharing.

Brandon starts school tomorrow.  My heart aches that we don't have a few more days to decompress from Saturday, but at the same time, he will be surrounded with love, encouragement and support from our Grace Academy family.  Please pray for him as he starts back with the school routine.

After church on Sunday morning, we took a road trip to San Antonio for a day at Fiesta Texas on Monday.  I'm sure I have mentioned this before, but I have an intense fear of heights.  And roller coasters.  The crazy thing is, this didn't happen until after I had children.  As a child, I loved roller coasters and drove my family berserk with how many times I wanted to ride them.  I even did that crazy high swing where they put two people in this weird tortilla looking wrap, crank you up and let you fly.  Yep.  That was me.  And then my kids came along.

Anyway - back to yesterday, we went to Fiesta Texas to end summer with a bang.  With my fear of heights firmly in my mind, I was determined to ride every ride Brandon wanted to and not complain.  There was that concern I would get to the ride and chicken out, but I didn't!!  The crowd was light, so we went from ride to ride and pretty much made ourselves sick from riding so many roller coasters so close together.  We had a fabulous time in the amusement park, then hit the water park.  All in all, in was a great day. 

I have to admit, it was surreal being there just the three of us.  All day I had that feeling that something was not right.  And it wasn't, because Amanda was not with us.  The intensity of the feeling was at times suffocating and I can't tell you how many times I would find myself crying over it.  I am thankful that despite that, I was still able to enjoy the day.  What a weird combination of feelings to experience.  I don't like the thought of what my days ahead are going to be like.  Leaning deep into His grace.....

I'm sure you won't be surprised at this, but I took my camera.

This was our first ride - the Goliath

Ready for the Boomerang.

Why, yes - yes I did!! I rode the Superman

This one I rode alone while the boys rode a water raft ride.  And I cried the entire ride. Not out of fear, but because Amanda would have loved riding it with me. 

I'm holding up four fingers to signify that we are still a family of four.  Always will be.

This is the view from the Bahama Blaster.  You step into a tube where they shut the door (see below) and while a dramatic heartbeat soundtrack plays, it counts down 3, 2, 1 then the floor below you opens and you fall into the tube.  Scarey, but fun.

Psalm 118:24

This is the day that the Lord has made;
    let us rejoice and be glad in it.

An amazing celebration of Amanda's life

What do you say after a day like today?  When Amanda died ten days ago and we planned the memorial service for today, I dreaded the wait.  I dreaded the planning.  I dreaded the service.  I loved the slideshow, then developed a love/hate relationship with it because I had to narrow it down to a time that was entirely too short to tell my Amanda's story.  It was worth every frustrating moment.

Thomas and I both wanted today's memorial to be God honoring and glorifying, while paying tribute to our beautiful daughter's life that was entirely too short.  I have never in my life been more pleased with how something came together as I am with today's celebration. 

The outpouring of love shown today for our family was absolutely mind blowing.  The visual proof of how Amanda touched so many people was a sweet balm for my bruised and breaking heart.

So many of you have reached out and expressed love and support not only through social media, but also through mail.  I have enjoyed the cards so much.  Please know that I have read each and every card, message, text and post.   I have not been able to respond to every one, so I am "cheating" and saying this here - thank you.  Thank you for the encouragement, the support, the words of affirmation and edification and the love.  God's grace is bigger than anything that any of us could ever do on our own.  So if there is any strength or courage you see in our walk on this journey, you must know that it is only because of the strength and courage we find in our Lord and Savior. 

Even though I won't have updates on how Amanda is doing (oh how much it hurts to even think about that reality..) I don't imagine I'll stop blogging, at least not immediately.  Our journey is far from over and this has become such a beautiful outlet for me, I think I would miss it terribly. 

This morning, right before Tom and I walked in to the sanctuary for the service, he reminded me this was not our goodbye.  We had already taken care of that.  This was our time to celebrate the life of our beautiful daughter.  And celebrate we did. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Amanda's Rock Ceremony table, along with her favorite blanket and puppy and panda.  She never slept without those stuffed animals.

My little artist - she would paint on just about anything!  I adore this one.

My favorite painting that she has done.

 It was very kind of Dell Children's Blood and Cancer Center to allow us to use one of the banners today.  Our beautiful girl.

Her cowgirl boots, riding helmet and a strand of Romeo's tail.  This was happiness for my girl.

Tomorrow is the day.....

I can’t believe how fast this week has gone by.  I was dreading this week and that it would drag on and on, with Saturday looming in front of us.  However, the details and projects that needed to be completed before Saturday caused it to go by entirely too quickly and I find myself reeling.

Tomorrow is the day we celebrate Amanda’s life.  Her life touched more people in the short ten, almost eleven years we were given than I will ever know this side of heaven. 

Our prayer is that we will celebrate it well and give glory to God for the blessing of having her for the short time we did.  

Working on my 'Beautifully Heartbreaking' project....

We have spent the past two days at the river.  It was intended to be a getaway, and while it was, I worked the entire time on the slideshow for Amanda’s memorial service.   

I have started referring to it as my 'Beautifully Heartbreaking' project.   Being away from the house with no demands on my time was a good thing.  The flow of emotions continues to be exhausting.  The memories are beautiful, painful, joyful and heartbreaking.  And each picture or video was full of memories that took me on that ride.   Thankfully there was a beautiful river, a couple of four wheelers and my two boys.  We would take time to go sit in the water rapids and just be together.  I would let the beauty of God’s creation wash away the heartbreak and sooth my mind.  Then it was back to my project. 

If you have followed the blog at all, you know how much I love pictures.  I am pouring my heartbreak and sorrow into this slideshow.  To tell the story of her life through pictures is an impossible task, but my hope is that if you are there Saturday, you will walk away with a better understanding of what an amazing and blessed ten, almost eleven, years God gave to us through Amanda’s life.

Our week will continue with meetings with the various parties involved in the service on Saturday.  Wednesday we will make a trip to Dell to pick up a CD of pictures they have of Amanda.  Her photo was used in some promotional material and they are giving us all the pictures they took that day.  This will be a very emotional trip for me.  Our Dell team is amazing, and I am still so very thankful for all they did for Amanda.   

The fact that this all happened so suddenly is not lost on anyone.  I feel like we all are still trying to catch our breath and actually accept the reality of it all.   As I sit and type this, it has been six days; only six days and yet it feels like six years.  I miss her so much.

Please keep us in your prayer as Amanda’s memorial service gets closer.  It is that 'big event' in my future that has put life on hold for me.  I am still living each day moment by moment, but now it is crippled with the giant emptiness that she has left.   By the end of the day I am so proud of myself for making it through the day until I realize that tomorrow, it will begin all over again.   Who knew a body could produce so many tears?  

Doubly thankful for new mercies each day….

Lamentations 3:21-24 

 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,“therefore I will hope in him.”