Cycle twelve unexpectedly delayed!

Adaptability: to adjust oneself readily to different conditions.

Today, we had a couple of lessons in adaptability.

Last night was our usual night before treatment.  Amanda was very nervous and anxious.  That carried over to this morning as well.  Even though it is her LAST chemo cycle, she still did not want to start.

We arrived early at the office and they were able to go ahead and check us in.  Amanda did great getting her port accessed. (As we sat there, I thought back to the days before the port and said another prayer of thanksgiving for her port!) While we waited for the results of her labs, she was started on fluids.

Dr. Harrod walked in and asked how Amanda had been feeling.  After sharing with her all she has been up to - field day, overnights at grandparents, staying up and active even though she tired easily, Dr. Harrod gave us the unexpected news - Amanda couldn't start chemo because her platelets are too low!  I was speechless.  That thought never entered my mind as a possibility.   Amanda was on cloud nine.  She was absolutely thrilled that she didn't have to start chemo.  Tom and I were seriously bummed.  We are both ready to start cycle twelve so we could call chemo done.   That was our first lesson in adaptability today.

While we were at the doctor's today, we learned that one of the Smith cousins is sick!  That means cousin camp this weekend is cancelled.  Now it was the kids turn to be bummed.  I thought it was so cool that we were starting cycle twelve celebrating with the Smith side, and we will wrap up cycle twelve with the Watson side at our annual lake trip.  So that was our second lesson in adaptability.

Thankfully, over the past year, the kids have become pretty good at learning to go with the flow and plans being changed.  We have often played this waiting game while her labs dipped then came back up to where they need to be.  Our next appointment will be on Wednesday to see if Amanda's platelets are high enough to start chemo.  As of now, if we are able to start next week, her MRI date will not change.

Amanda is feeling pretty good tonight, just low energy and weak.  That doesn't allow us to do too much unless she gets a burst of energy.  When and if that happens, we will take full advantage of it! Please pray that over the next five days her counts will come up enough to start chemo on Wednesday.

I have been reminded time and time again today that God's timing is perfect and this was not a surprise to Him.  So we will rest in that and trust His plan.  Yet another lesson in waiting....

Despite the delay, I think we will keep our party on here at the Watson house.  It has been a long road yet the finish line is in sight!

All four of us were there for the big start.  Everyone has to wear masks when her port is accessed. 

I have often asked myself just who is more spoiled - Amanda or Ginger? (It is a close call - Ginger is sleeping on the pillows!!)

Psalm 27:13-14

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

“If the Lord Jehovah makes us wait, let us do so with our whole hearts; for blessed are all they that wait for Him. He is worth waiting for. The waiting itself is beneficial to us: it tries faith, exercises patience, trains submission, and endears the blessing when it comes. The Lord’s people have always been a waiting people.”     – Charles Spurgeon

As cycle twelve nears....

This year has flown by and yet at the same time, I often wondered if it was ever going to end.  It's almost here. That bittersweet moment of completing this final round of treatment.  Bittersweet because we are ready to finish this, and yet at the same time, that means we will not be actively fighting the disease anymore.  I don't know if that sounds right; it's hard to put into words how I feel sometimes. 

Tuesday was a little stressful for us.  Nothing major, but Amanda wasn't feeling good and it took center stage through most of the afternoon.  Even though she was feeling bad, and really stressing out about it emotionally, there were moments of laughter and joy mingled in there as well.  It was one of those days that will stand out in our memories years from now.   I am thankful for those good times and I am thankful for the privilege to be the mother of these two amazing children.

This entire eleventh cycle has been much easier than cycle ten and I am incredibly grateful.  Dr. Harrod thought that Amanda must have had a virus on top of the chemo and that might be what wiped her out, keeping her in bed for almost a month.  That makes me stop and think, oh my gracious, what if Amanda has gotten serious sick?  All she had was a congestion/stuffy nose thing with no fever.  Makes me panic to think what she would have been like with strep or something! Praise God she has been well, one more month to keep her that way.  While she has been a little on the mellow side toward the end of this cycle, she is definitely feeling better than last time.

After celebrating the end of school last Friday, we spent Saturday with the Watson family in Temple.  As always, we love being with family.  Amanda enjoyed the day with her cousins and she managed to play most of the day.  Sunday evening, we went to hear Tom's younger brother preach and then the kids spent the night with Maw Maw and Papa Watson in Temple with plans to go fishing on Monday.  Brandon and Amanda love to fish.  Those plans were cancelled due to the wonderful rain, but they had a blast anyway.  We are so blessed that our family is close, both in our relationships and in location.

Cousin time with the Watsons. (and this is not all of them!)

Friday, we start cycle twelve.  Day one is the rough one at Dr. Harrod's.  Amanda gets the  high dose of Benedryl along with the antibiotic and Avastin.  This round, I will be sure that we stay on top of her anti-nausea meds here at home!

On Friday night, we will have Cousins Camp at our house.  This may be the best opportunity this summer to get all the Smith cousins together.  Amanda is looking forward to having them around to help distract her from chemo.  Needless to say, I hope that Amanda has a good start to chemo so she can enjoy everyone!  Okay, have to be honest, I still, even after all this time, often find it hard to believe that I am talking about chemo, cancer and my little girl.   At times, in my mind, our new normal sits on the surface and I like to pretend it isn't there.  Crazy, I know.  But just because I sometimes ignore the truth, it doesn't goes away.  Funny how that works.

My outlook of "living in the day" and depending on God's mercies for each day has worked very well for me.  So much, in fact, that the more I think about Friday and what it stands for, the more excited I get.  I don't think I have let myself fully comprehend what is coming up.  As it gets closer, at times I am literally giddy with happiness.  (I usually keep it to myself though, that might be hard to explain to the people around me!)  Yet even at those moments, the fear still lingers like smoke around the edges.  I honestly don't know if that feeling will ever completely go away.  As a mom, that is just how I roll.  I am constantly working on giving Amanda back to God and trusting Him.  But for right now, at this time in our journey, I will focus on the positive because it is a time to celebrate and give thanks for how much God has blessed Amanda's life in the past fourteen months. 

You have walked along beside us, carrying our burdens and celebrating our victories.  So as we prepare to start cycle twelve, thank you for staying the course with us.  Please continue to pray for Amanda.  Even with the fun distraction of having her cousins over, she is already dreading Friday and chemo.  Only one more to go.  I can't even begin to imagine what day five will feel like for her. 

We will be wearing our Team Watson shirts for this milestone on Friday.  I'm ready to start this celebration as we wrap up chemo!  Oh Happy Day!

1 Corinthians 13:1-3; 13
 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Her surprises keep coming...

These have been a very emotional couple of days.  Amanda not only made the Rock Ceremony last night, but she also made field day today!! Once she really puts her mind on something that she wants to do, she does it.  Even more amazing is that she is still up and going.  Answered prayers!

Yesterday, Amanda woke up feeling sick and had a rough morning.  By the time I left to run up to the school to participate in the sixth grade Coffee House as a surprise guest (Brandon was embarrassed, although I don't know why, see photo below), she was still in bed and it was not looking good for the Rock Ceremony.  Tom texted me a few hours later saying she was up and painting, and looking forward to going to the Rock Ceremony.   So thankful for all the prayers for Amanda to feel well enough to enjoy these past two days.

Every spring, Grace Academy holds a “Rock Ceremony.”  As parents, we pick a trait that we have seen God working on in our child’s life that year and write it on a rock.  Then, at a ceremony with other Grace families, the fathers have the opportunity to speak a blessing over their student as they publicly present the rock and explain why that trait was chosen.  This ceremony is based on Joshua 3 & 4 where the Israelites crossed the Jordan River and God caused the water to be cut off so that they may cross on dry ground.  The Lord instructed that one stone for each tribe be taken from the riverbed and carried in to the Promised Land to build an altar.  This altar would give testimony to the goodness of God for generations to come.  In the same way, we are building an “altar” to the Lord so that as our children grow, we can look back and see a visible reminder of God’s work in their life throughout their years at Grace Academy.  Each year, this ceremony touches my heart, and this year, I can't even begin to express what a blessing it was to be able to celebrate this milestone together as a family.

In our family, Tom chooses the traits of that are put on the rocks.  This year, Brandon's characteristic was Endurance.  (Romans 5:3-5 & Hebrews 10:36) Brandon has been through a lot this year.  From what is going on in our family, to missing time in school and having to make sure his work was kept up, to experiencing new challenges as he entered the School of Logic and all the changes that brings with it, he has faced a lot.  We have seen him work hard to reach goals and always drive to do his best.  He finished well.

Amanda's trait was Alertness. (Ephesians 6:17-18 & Mark 14:38) Tom chose this trait because Amanda is very aware of what goes on around her.  She knows everything about her medications, when she is supposed to take them, when she can or can not eat, details about her port access and what the nurses are supposed to do - I mean, she knows her stuff.  Our prayer is that as she grows, that she will have the same alertness to the Holy Spirit in her life. 

This morning, she pushed (sheer determination) past her morning blahs (mornings are so hard for her) to be at school by 8:15.  Amanda then spent the morning with her classmates and enjoyed the day.  She almost seems energized after the day and I was expecting her to be totally wiped out.  also today, Brandon was awarded a Magna cum Laude medal for achieving an A/B honor roll for the year.   Tom and I are so proud of him.

As you will see from the pictures below, it has been two days full of blessings.   I have cried on numerous occasions these past two days simply seeing Amanda and Brandon together at school.  Brandon was a great big brother today, watching out for Amanda and helping her when she needed it.  As Amanda and I pulled out of campus at the end of the day, she said she was so glad she was with Brandon today to kick off the summer.  

Amanda was so glad to see this sweet group of girls!

Crazy, man.

I played the bongos while Mrs. Moore threw down some hip, hot poetry, Latin style.  We were the guest performance for the happening Sixth Grade Coffee House.  Groovy man!

Tom presenting Brandon with his rock of Endurance.

Amanda being presented with her rock of Alertness.

The entire team, ready to play tug of war.

Enjoying a popsicle break between games.

The fourth grade class! They joined arms and walked over the finish line to symbolize completing the fourth grade and entering the fifth grade.  There were definite tears here. 

And the field day tradition carries on!  Sweet Mr. Patch has given Amanda a piggy back ride on field day for the last four years.  Never would we have imagined that this simple act would one day be an important part of her attending.  It was a fun way to help her conserve her energy so she could enjoy more of the day!

Oh my - she pulled with all her might!

Such a fun, kind group of girls.  Amanda is very excited to join them again next fall!

This picture was sent to me by one of the moms.  How beautiful is this?  The top of the picture was last year at the Rock Ceremony and the bottom was this year's.  All I can say is that we are so blessed.

Proven wrong again

Not many people will admit that they love to be proved wrong, but I can honestly say that I love to be wrong when it comes to my predictions on how Amanda will feel!  She has continued to keep her level of energy at a good place this week and I am thrilled.

Yesterday was a big day, and I'm afraid Amanda is a little worn out today.  She was up and out of bed, so in my book, she still had a good day today!  Back to yesterday.  She had a great lesson at ROCK .  They rode in the pasture for a  trail ride and in spite of the wind, it was a gorgeous day.  We then headed straight over to physical therapy.  I had to cancel her PT appointment last week because of an appointment with Dr. Harrod.  When I talked to Ms. Cindy on the phone, I explained how hard the past month has been on Amanda physically.  Basically, because of our conversation, Ms. Cindy was expecting to go back to square one and start off real slow to get a feel for where Amanda is at.  Instead, Amanda walked in happy and worked her little heart out!

I continue to be inspired by my daughter.  She has had an incredibly challenging year, but has pushed through it with strength and courage,  She is getting better at opening up and talking about things.  She has become a stronger person and in turn, it has made me a stronger person.

Last night, Amanda crashed after her long day and because of that, at bedtime she struggled with  emotions that tend to hit all of us at night.  Doubts, worries and anxiety were getting the best of her - and in swooped her sweet daddy.  First, I love their relationship.  It is complex, precious, and deep.  He takes time to speak the truth of God's Word into her life and I am so thankful for that.  Last night, as I was in bed next to her, trying to soothe her, it was the quiet, calm strength of her daddy that she needed.  He came in, and after a few encouraging words, she was reminded that tomorrow would be a new day, she would be rested and be better able to handle what she was struggling with.  With a little more encouragement, she calmed down and was ready to settle down for bed.

I love how Tom and I have been blessed that both of us have the opportunity to be involved in every step of this journey.  We both have different strengths for her to draw from, and different styles of encouragement.   It is my prayer that as she grows, she will take the best pieces from the both of us, add them to the gifts God has already given her and go make a huge impact in this world for Christ.

The week is coming to an end and before us are two big days of events at Grace to wrap up the school year.  Hard to comprehend that another school year has gone by.   At this point, it is still hard to know if Amanda will have the energy to participate.  Please pray that she will have the energy to be a part of these next two days before we head into week four of cycle eleven and start mentally preparing for cycle twelve.

Exodus 15:2
The Lord is my strength and my song,
    and he has become my salvation;
this is my God, and I will praise him,
    my father's God, and I will exalt him.

Psalm 136
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.

Amanda and Oakey out for a trail ride.

Our amazing team at ROCK.

Oakey was not in the  mood to do much trotting, but with the combined efforts of Sandra Jo and Amanda, he managed to put a little pep in his step.

Amanda and Mrs. Kristin

Melts my heart....

Her Romeo is still on the injured list.

At PT, doing a little daring swinging!  This shows how much her balance and core strength has improved.  Awesome.

Amanda did several styles of this workout with the exercise ball...

..and she worked hard at it!

The day ended with some time with Georgie.   As a follow up note, the picture on the previous post with Brandon and Uncle Powell was not Georgie, but Georgie's mom - Georgie Doc.

Feeling pretty good!

What an amazing couple of days this has been.  I'd call it answered prayer because we have seen Amanda up and about over the weekend.  Saturday we had a nice day around the house getting little projects done.  Saturday night we had a great time with all the girls on the Smith side going out to dinner and taking pictures of my niece, Katie, as she headed off to her senior prom.  The boys went bowling, but I don't know who had more fun.  :)

Sunday, while Amanda rested in the morning, Tom and Brandon went to church.  We then went to Florence to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day with my side of the family.   The day ended with us attending Lawler that evening with the family for Third Sunday Singing and fellowship.  It was a wonderful and full day, but Amanda did very well and enjoyed the entire day with little sign of fatigue!

Today, we went to the pottery shop with Sandra Jo and my mom to try and finish Amanda's horse we have been working on for a few months now.  The day Amanda started painting it, we didn't have time for her to finish, so we brought it home planning to go back and finish it.  We went back one day but she felt too bad to stay and it was starting to feel like we would never get the horse done.  Today, however, we were determined!  Sure enough, she was able to finish it and had a great time.  She even had enough energy to run a few errands after we picked Brandon up.  I am very happy to see her feeling good overall, with fatigue just right on the edge of everything.

Tomorrow is ROCK,  physical therapy and hopefully, if she feels up to it (Ha!) a trip out to see Georgie.  It will be a long day for her, but starting and ending the day with horses, I hope she will have a good day. 

Thursday night is our Rock Ceremony at Grace and then Friday is the last day of school. Amanda really wants to go to Field Day on Friday.  We are scheduled to go to Dr. Harrod's office, but that is because of the timing of her chemo cycle to check labs.  If she is feeling well, we won't need to go.  I know Amanda would appreciate prayers that she continues to have a good week so she can make the last day of school!

If you remember, while Amanda was still in the hospital she set a goal for herself and that was to attend field day.  Not only did she attend, but she stayed the entire morning and participated!  At that point in her treatment plan, we were waiting on the MRI that would show us how, or even if, the radiation treatment impacted the tumor.  I find it a little ironic that today, we are once again sitting at the edge, waiting on an MRI to tell us how treatment has affected the tumor "that other area."  As I look back at where we were this time last year, I am again filled with thankfulness for how God has blessed our family in the past year and how far Amanda has come in this journey. 

My emotions from last year haven't really strayed that far.  I can still relate to everything this says:
As we have mentioned again and again, the waiting is the hardest.  Staying focused and living in the here and now has been more difficult for me.  I struggle daily and have to continuously make the choice to not worry about tomorrow or what the future holds, but to completely live in the moment and cherish our family time. I recently mentioned to a dear friend how two particular statements have helped me these last three months and they again struck me with their truth.  The first truth is that nothing is a surprise to God.  I find such comfort in that.  He already knows what the results of her MRI on Monday.   The second is that only God numbers her days, not the doctors.  So even though they have statistics and educated guesses and they are doing an amazing job treating her, they are not the ones in control. We are thankful for them, but our God is still sovereign. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t or won’t worry – because I do and I will, but knowing and clinging to those truths are important!  It keeps me from straying too far into the place of worry and fear.  
 (posted on CaringBridge on May 30)

Amanda's deer from the Double A Ranch in Uvalde came in.  Boy, he is something else!

Sandra Jo, Amanda and Katie on Saturday.  We took some beautiful pictures that evening!

She worked hard painting today.  We had so much fun!

On May 19, 2008, I had the awesome experience of watching my father baptize my daughter.

Amanda invited some of her special friends from Grace to come, the Schwab family and Mrs. Logan. Along with other family members that were present, Grampy and both sets of grandparents (pictured here) were also there for this big day.

I saw this sweet picture on Brandon's five year old birthday slide show. (I have spent some time walking down memory lane this month.)  Uncle Powell has been in our family for quite some time.  :)  Amanda and I are pretty sure this is Georgie....

Psalm 136:4
 Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles. His faithful love endures forever. 

Early signs of the week three blahs....

Yesterday, Amanda had a headache for most of the day and when she would get up, it would get worse.  She said it was the kind she always gets and not a new headache.  That did little to ease my mind.   She woke up today, headache free and has been feeling good, just very tired.  Each day, at times, feels like a new test of faith and endurance for all of us.  Some days are definitely easier than others.

With how Amanda has felt today, I feel like her week three blahs are already on the way.  They seem to be a little early!  Let's pray that I am wrong and that we have the opportunity to enjoy the beautiful weekend ahead.

I attended a women's conference a few months back called 'IFGathering.'  At one point the question was asked "If God is real - then what?" The phrase immediately snagged my attention and has recently been rolling around my head.  Because, you see, we have tested the if question and I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is real.  I have leaned upon, pushed against and wrestled with the promises and truths in the Word of God and have personally found that He is real, loving and faithful.  For me, part of the answer to the then what question is this blog.  Because God is real, we want to share our story hoping to show that in the face of cancer, it is possible to glorify God while trusting Him in His perfect plan for Amanda's life.

A song that I have mentioned in a post recently, "Oceans, (Where Feet May Fail)" has a part that says:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior 

Those words so perfectly fit what this journey has been like for me, 'cause friend, we are out there - in the deep where our trust in God has to be completely wide open.  Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that in the middle of this trial when I am at the moment of heartbreak, would I actually experience the strongest presence and peace of my Savior.  This life is so painful that at moments it steals my breath and the worry and fear wash over me in waves.  Yet at the same time, and this is what is so incredibly beautiful to me, my faith has never been as real to me as it has been in this past year.  At those moments of panic, I depend and trust on God's strength.  This journey has brought me closer to who my Savior is and how much he loves me.  Every morning that I wake up I know the only way I will face the day and all that it may bring is because of God's grace and mercy.

And every morning I still pray for a miracle.

Isaiah 43:1-3
 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

A Good Report Today, a Headache Going to Bed :(

Just a quick update tonight.  The appointment today went well.  Amanda's labs came back good, just as we were anticipating.  The infusions and shot went smoothly, yet we seemed to be there forever!  There is no such thing as a short appointment....

Tonight, Amanda has a headache as she goes to bed.  We are not sure if it is one of the medications she receives or just the stress and anxiety of the day, but it seems that every evening after an appointment, Amanda gets a headache.  It seems to be a pretty bad one, but after all the meds today, she has refused to take anything tonight.  Grrrr - so frustrating!  But I am not in her shoes and haven't had to deal with what she has, so I try to see things from her point of view.  Still, this is one of those things I just don't understand and it hurts me to see her hurting so bad.  I know how painful headaches can be and feel so sorry for her.  Prayers that a good night's sleep will allow her to wake up feeling rested and refreshed.

We are scheduled to go back late next week to check her labs.  It will be week three and her trend has been to experience a drop in her counts about that time, so I like knowing they have us on the books should we need to go in.  If she is feeling fine, we can simply cancel.

Amanda has felt good all day.  She got up early this morning when Brandon and I did and was up and at 'em for the rest of the day.  So thankful!  Looking forward to more days ahead with her feeling well. 

God is so good and I feel so blessed.  Despite the appointment today, it felt like just a normal day in the life of our family.  Those are so nice to have, I wish there were more of them.  Thank you for all the prayers for today - please keep them coming.

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works my soul knows it very well.

Heading into the second phase of Cycle Eleven

Well, we are finally seeing our Amanda back.  The past two days she has actually stayed out of bed all day!!  I'm so thrilled that she seems to have bounced back.

Tomorrow we go to Dell for labs, her Avastin infusion and the white blood cell booster shot.  I expect (and hope!) that her labs will be good judging by what we are seeing right now.

On Sunday, Amanda woke up still feeling a little weak, so Brandon and I went to church together on Mother's Day.  Mother's Day is one of those holidays that I love because for me it represents celebrating the two things in my life that I am the most proud of - my children.  I have never been more grateful for the privilege of being their mother.  What amazing, resilient, strong, tender and brave children I have been blessed with.

Because of Tom's schedule, our family celebrates holidays around when he is home.....and depending on when we buy gifts.  The kids couldn't wait to give me my present once they bought it and that was last Monday!!  So we celebrated Mother's Day early on the Monday evening before Mother's Day.  We had a lovely picnic in the backyard with grilled cheeseburgers and they gave me a passion flower plant.  The blooms are absolutely gorgeous! We were treated to a beautiful bloom the next day and the picture is below.
 
Yesterday, in spite of the rain, we managed to squeeze in a visit to Uncle Powell's for Amanda to see Georgie.  In between short rain showers, Amanda got to ride a little, as did Brandon and I.  It was the first day that Amanda has spent the entire day out of bed, and the fact that we actually got out of the house for a few hours to go somewhere was great!

This morning was her day at ROCK but she didn't feel like riding today.  Thankfully, as the day went on, she has felt better and better and really seems to be back to herself.   I think I even heard her tell Tom tonight that this is the best she has felt in a couple weeks.  Praise God!

It is such a relief to see Amanda with energy and feeling better. (Even though that means that she and Brandon have been feeding off each other tonight, going from squeals of laughter to angry growls quicker than I can catch my breath.....)   Even with this perk in her energy, her appetite is still not where it should be.  That means her weight will most likely not be where her doctors want it to be tomorrow at her appointment.   Perhaps a large breakfast and lunch tomorrow will help compensate a little? ;)

Tonight, I will go to bed with a grateful heart.  My girl is back on her feet again, and even though I can't help but think about the fact that her counts might be hit again soon, I am still so happy to see her like this.   Please pray that she can breeze through these next two weeks and then sail into...drum roll please....chemo cycle twelve out of twelve!!!!!  Just typing that, I'm having one of those 'Oh Happy Day' moments.   If you have been with us for awhile, you might remember reading the post when we were nearing the final days of radiation (a year ago last week!) and I described how joyful I was feeling with the anticipation of finishing that race by comparing it to the movie, Secretariat.  (You can click on 'Oh Happy Day' to read the post.) Well, that feeling is once again a' brewin!  I know we still have six weeks left and the emotional roller coaster will still roll on, but I will cling to that feeling fiercely in the days to come as we encourage Amanda to finish strong and we keep our eyes focused on the finish line.
Hebrews 12:1 .....let us run with endurance the race that is set before us

Georgie is so curious about  my camera...

SEE?!

The joy and peace that she gets from being around horses is something to watch.  I think those two like each other.

To be on the cautious side, PaPa walked with Georgie while Amanda rode.  Amanda enjoyed the relaxing ride and I didn't worry. ;) 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

Feeling better, but still down

Amanda is s l o w l y starting to feel better.  She is still weak with little to no energy, but at least she has not been sick anymore.  We tried to get out to run an errand today and ended up coming right back home because she felt so weak.  :(  I've said this so many times, but the balance of knowing when to let her body recoup versus knowing when to push and make her get up is such a hard thing to figure out.  Her legs are weak from not using them and she is weak from chemo.....we are between a rock and a hard place with two more months to go.

We did find out that her MRI will be on June 30.  I'm not sure when we will receive the results.  Most likely it will be the following week.

We will spend our upcoming days working on Amanda feeling better, or at least trying to get her out of bed more. (I think horses will be a great motivator this week!) Wednesday we will go back to Dell for labs, Avastin and her white blood cell shot. 

I was recently sharing with a friend how at times I get so emotionally tired I don't know how to go on.  I'm tired of cancer, tired of Amanda not feeling well, tired of the unknown and tired of feeling like my heart is breaking day after day.  These feelings come and go. Thankfully they are not something that I struggle with all the time.  But the next time they do come around, I will try to remember the words below. Sometimes it is good to let the walls down and just be still.

Once you have come close to the point of despair, God's message is not, "Be strong and courageous" (Joshua 1:6), for He knows that your strength and courage have run way.  Instead, He says sweetly, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). 
That is all God asks of you as His dear child.  When you become weak through the fiercest fires of affliction, do not try to "be strong."  Just "be still and know that [He is] God." And know that He will sustain you and bring you through the fire. 

Be strong, He has not failed you
In all the past
And will He go and leave you
To sink at last?
No, He said He will hide you
Beneath His wing;
And sweetly there in safety
You then may sing.

"Streams in the Dessert"

Did not see that coming...

I did not get that good night's sleep I was hoping for last night.  Amanda woke up and was sick for almost two hours during the night.  I so did not see that one coming.  Chemo is over, and I just never considered that she would continue to have side effects from it.  Poor thing.  She never stops amazing me with her good attitude.  The only complaint she had was that Dad wasn't home. 

Today she has been taking it easy, but not eating much.  I hope weight does not become an issue again.  Tonight she has had a headache and is even taking medicine for it.  Ugh.

So the night was long and emotional after a long and emotional day at the doctor.  I simply feel brain dead at the moment.  I'm walking in a daze.  So an early bedtime tonight with all the proper medications on board for Amanda will be in order. 

Sometimes, as I consider what scripture to close with, I will go back to Caring Bridge and read the posts that friends and family have written to our family since last February.  Going back to the beginning, during those first few days where we were scrambling to catch our breath and make sense of what was happening, the love that was poured out through your words are still felt as strong today as they were then - maybe even more so!   When I find myself struggling with where are today, as I often have this past month, I also go back to be reminded of how far we have come. 

The tears come as quickly tonight as I read the written evidence of the body of Christ holding us up with prayer and the word of God through this entire journey.  Do you know how thankful I am for each of you?  I am so thankful, every day, more than words can say.

When I am tired, my emotions tend to get the better of me, but tonight, the tears were a comfort.  We are blessed in too many ways to count.  Please pray that Amanda will rebound quickly and have some days where she is feeling good before her counts start to drop.  With no plans for the weekend, I'm hoping that she can rest and slowly start to do things as she feels up to it.

Psalm 103
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and all that is within me,
    bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The Lord works righteousness
    and justice for all who are oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses,
    his acts to the people of Israel.

The Lord is merciful and gracious,
    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always chide,
    nor will he keep his anger forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,
    nor repay us according to our iniquities. 

 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,
    so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

As a father shows compassion to his children,
    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. 

For he knows our frame;
    he remembers that we are dust.

 As for man, his days are like grass;
    he flourishes like a flower of the field; 

for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
    and its place knows it no more. 

But the steadfast love of the Lord 

is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
    and his righteousness to children's children, 

to those who keep his covenant
    and remember to do his commandments. 

The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
    and his kingdom rules over all.

 Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
    you mighty ones who do his word,
    obeying the voice of his word! 

Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
    his ministers, who do his will!

Bless the Lord, all his works,
    in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

A long day at the doctor....

Today's appointment went well.  Accessing Amanda's port was a little stressful for her today since it was painful last week.  Thankfully, her labs came back good.  She got fluids today, so the appointment didn't go as quickly as I had hoped it would, but the transfusion room was quiet today so that was nice. 

After being up all day, Amanda came home feeling bad and went to bed.  She had a great day and was in good spirits.  She seemed to be feeling better and was spunkier than I have seen her in awhile.  Unfortunately, by the time we left Dell around 4 (after arriving at the appointment at 12:45) she seemed to slowly crash on the way home. 

I have to admit, the past three weeks have been long, and it seems like the next two months will be even longer.  We were told today to expect this chemo cycle to be a little harder of a hit to her system between the higher dose and just being so close to the end.   That was pretty much what I was anticipating, so the confirmation wasn't a surprise.  We will go back to Dr. Harrod's next week to check Amanda"s counts and she will also receive her Avastin infusion and white blood cell booster shot.   Next week she should be feeling better and have a break from all the "blahs" she has been experiencing.  At least, that is my hope!

Tonight, I am weary and tired - and those are two very different things.  The finish line of round two feels so far away, when in reality it is so very close.   So many times I have asked for prayers for Amanda to finish strong, and here I am, struggling for the very same thing myself - to finish strong. 

It has been a long evening, and a long day.  I think a good night's sleep will do me wonders.

Tonight, as the night went on, Amanda continued to feel bad.  It got to the point where she was frustrated and mad. She just wants to feel better!  How that breaks my heart.  There is nothing I can do.  I tried every home remedy I could think of and she even resorted to taking medicine.  Finally, she asked if I would come rub her temples and play some music while she closed her eyes.  She fell asleep as we listened to hymns. 

I am sitting here next her sleeping with the beautiful music rolling over me and the quiet dark all around me, and I feel the peace and nearness of God.  I am reminded that he will help me face my battles when I am too weak.  He is my strength and stronghold.  He is faithful, merciful and he draws me close into his grace.  His mercies allow me to face each new day and he gives me the ability to find joy in this journey.  It is because of him that I see the beauty in the small things. 

As I watch our beautiful daughter sleep, God reminds me that He is in control, His plan is perfect, and He loves her.  

And I pray for that miracle.

Wonderful Merciful Savior

Wonderful, merciful Savior
Precious Redeemer and Friend
Who would've thought that a Lamb could
Rescue the souls of men
Oh, You rescue the souls of men

Counselor, Comforter, Keeper
Spirit we long to embrace
You offer hope when our hearts have
Hopelessly lost our way
Oh, we've hopelessly lost the way

You are the One that we praise
You are the One we adore
You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for
Oh, our hearts always hunger for

Almighty, infinite Father
Faithfully loving Your own
Here in our weakness You find us
Falling before Your throne
Oh, we're falling before Your throne

You are the One that we praise
You are the One we adore
You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for
Oh, our hearts always hunger for