Today, one year ago...

A year ago today we walked into Dell Hospital and our lives changed forever.   The last time we had walked into the Dell ER, it was with Brandon, he was in the first grade, and he ended up having an emergency appendectomy.  I think the next time we take one of our kids to the ER, I am packing an overnight bag.  Just saying.

When we brought Amanda home from the hospital nine days later, we had no clear indication of what was ahead for us.  I told Tom last night that I remember coming home and not really grasping that she had cancer.  I guess I was still clinging to the hope that the tumor would be benign.

From the moment we found out about the tumor, it was my prayer that the tumor would not respond normally and that the doctors would be baffled.  That was the miracle I was praying for.  "The desire of my heart is that the scan would baffle the doctors and that this tumor is not behaving as they anticipate.   I'm still praying for that miracle" was what I wrote weeks after we had come home and were in the planning phases of treatment. Somewhere along the way, those prayers became asking for the tumor to disappear.  That it would go away.  Here we sit, one year later, and there is no active tumor present.  I hope you are thanking and praising our God for that as much as I am at this moment. 


The paragraph below from March 11 certainly makes me smile even though I clearly remember the pain of that day.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  Tom and I were sitting with her outside and she kept asking for a pet.  We would say things like, "Well, we need to see what the next few days hold" or "Let's see what the doctor says," and she finally wanted to know what we meant.  That was when we told her some of the spot was still there and that we are still waiting to see how best to try and get rid of it.  It was painful and heartbreaking to watch her work through that information.  It was during those moments, however, we saw that God had given her amazing strength and resilience and we prayed they would carry her through the challenges before us.  Our prayers were answered and those traits have helped her through her darkest days.  She has an amazing ability to bounce back from adversity.  She is a strong little girl.  This was what I posted:

True to Amanda form, after she worked through it, her sweet personality slowly reemerged and it was back to kittens vs lap dogs. Oh, how I pray that as we travel down the unknown path before us, it will be this ability that will give her the courage and strength she will need to face the obstacles before her. 

There are still battles to fight, obstacles in front of us and unknowns ahead, but we praise God for where we are today.  Amanda is doing amazingly well and she is happy.  What a beautiful day today is.

This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.  Psalm 118:24

Saying good-bye to Amanda's favorite nurse, Christina.

It was official -we were going home and Amanda was all smiles.

Our welcome home from Amanda's classmates and the sweet office ladies at Grace.

First night back at home.  Nothing better than your own bed! (That blanket was given to her by a nurse at Dell and it is still one of her favorites.)

Those first hard days....

As I have re-read the CaringBridge sight, I have a multitude of feelings.  I am transported back to those days that were so hard and completely unreal.   I am also struck by how far Amanda has come physically.  This is a portion of the post from March 3:

Written Mar 3, 2013 6:24pm

What a day today has been!  We have been on an emotional roller coaster today.  Last night, we got Amanda out of bed a little.  It was so painful, both for her and for Tom and I.  She was in extreme pain and was coming out of the sedation from the MRI.  Put steroids on top of all that, and we had a very grumpy and mad Amanda.  Each time we got her out of bed, she screamed the entire time. We went to bed knowing that today was going to be a very long day.  It is important that we start moving her neck to begin the road to recovery.

We woke up on this day of worship probably at our lowest point yet of this entire ordeal. Not spiritually, for we know where our strength comes from, but mostly emotionally and physically.  Watching our daughter go through the pain she was in, knowing we had to push her through it and seeing the effects that the medication was having on her was breaking our hearts.  At that point, we knew that the days ahead were going to be a test of our strength.  And then we turned a corner.
She was started on a new medication to help relax muscle spasms and also two new pain medications.  We started to see our Amanda come back.  She has started to show her personality and was willing to help a little more with moving her body and trying to sit up.  She still fought us, and still cried and complained, but she also calmed down quicker.  We started therapy today.  She has shown movement in her left leg and she is trying to move her left arm and hand - please pray for complete recovery of her left leg and arm.  She has even taken a few steps with much assistance.
 
Her smile was back.

Those first few nights in ICU were torturous.  We didn't sleep much at all. Tom and I took shifts sitting by her bedside and sleeping was virtually impossible with the constant in and out from the nurses.  With all the medications she was on, it was like we were dealing with another child.  For a short time, I feared that this was the new Amanda.  Thankfully, we were quickly assured it was the hefty dose of steroids she was on.

I think, for me, the scariest point of her hospital stay was when they ran the EKG. Yes, even more scary than brain surgery.  This was yet another blow.  It was completely unexpected.  (I don't know that I really comprehended the seriousness of her surgery at the time and I think that is also a credit to all the prayers that were on our behalf.  There is simply no other way to explain that. Anyway, I digress.)  Her heart had been showing an irregular heartbeat, which they said was normal after brain surgery.  NORMAL?! I wanted to say - "Come on people, let's talk about what normal means! Nothing about this is normal!" But I didn't.  Instead, during that time, I just closely watched Thomas and took my cues from him.  I tried to stay calm as long as he was calm.  If he looked uncomfortable or concerned, then I panicked.  Good thing for me he is such a calm person by nature.  :)
 
I continue to be in awe of the health and healing we see in our daughter today compared to what we faced in those early days.  How amazing is our God and oh, how he has blessed us!

She doesn't remember much from ICU, but she does remember this puppy!

First time feeding herself after surgery.

Skyping with Brandon.  LOVE technology.

Lamentations 3:21-23
But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

The love, support and prayers in those first days....

Amanda had a really good day today!  I am so thankful she is feeling better.  We even spent some time enjoying the pretty day.  Brandon had a good day, but he was really feeling it tonight.  Hopefully keeping it elevated this evening and a good night's sleep will have him ready for tomorrow.  Thank you for your prayers.

As I look back to last year, when we found ourselves unexpectedly in the hospital, the immediate outpouring of love and support was overwhelming.   Once word got out that Amanda liked stuffed animals, well, you can see how it progressed:

 The pictures above were all before surgery.  And by the end of the week:

Her cup runneth over...

We moved rooms four times, and every time we moved, it looked more and more like we were moving in.  We joke that the reason we went home was because they saw my Keurig brought into our room and they thought I was getting just a little too comfortable.  :) 

The outpouring of love went far beyond material gifts.  It was the prayers that got us through those nine days in the hospital.  The morning of her surgery, this is what was going on at Grace Academy:

 These post-it notes were around campus:

Friday, March 1, the morning of her surgery, we posted the following:

In preparation...

Written Mar 1, 2013 7:48am

Last night we gave Amanda a quick bath. She was feeling very anxious about today. So we put on a movie, I climbed into bed with her while Tom sat by her. She finally fell asleep after a late night snack of chicken tenders. At five this morning, they woke us up to give her another bath! This one was to prep her for surgery. Amanda was not pleased. Up until that point, we had all had a good nights sleep. Well, at least as good as you can in a hospital. She kept saying over and over, "I'm frightened about today." so I reminded her what Joshua 1:9 tells us about being frightened. We tucked her back into bed and Tom massaged her back and before long she was back asleep. It is 7:40 and we anticipate that they will take her back around 9. Please pray that she will have peace and courage this morning and that Tom and I can be strong for her. 

Oh my.  Reading that takes me back to the moments after her early morning bath, when she was so scared.   It took every ounce of my strength to not crumble and lose my composure in front of her and instead try to be calm and encouraging.  So that morning, to start from a place of total fear and heartbreak to feeling peace in spite of the anxiety while she was in surgery (yes, that is possible!) I know that it is because you prayed for us. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Can you believe it has been almost a year?

Hard to believe.  Completely amazed.  Totally grateful.  Still processing.  I am thankful that she is doing so well and I know it is because of answered prayers and God's grace.
Those are my answers to that question.

A quick update on the kids today: Amanda has  been feeling very sick today and I feel transported back to those early  days of chemo that were so incredibly difficult.  Please pray that with a day or two of rest she will feel better.   With the timing of her cycle, however, this is not completely unexpected.  We are in week four and she will start chemo a week from tomorrow.  Brandon's foot is still on the sore side but he is doing better with moving around.  Tomorrow will be tough since he will be up on it all day.  Please pray for Brandon to have a good start to his week.

When we started this blog on CaringBridge a year ago this this Friday (February 28) it was a way to communicate Amanda's progress while in the hospital.  It gave us the ability to send out updates to more people at once and prevented us from staying on our phone texting or talking for most of the day.  What a tremendous blessing it has been since that very first day.

The Team Watson blog has been therapeutic for me.  Throughout this past year, Tom and I both have posted updates on Amanda, however, somewhere along the way it became almost a daily journal for me.   I try to be honest and share my heart as a mother with a child who has cancer, I share the details of our day (not sure you really care to know ALL those details!) and most importantly, I share how Amanda is doing.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions, at times a heartbreaking journey, a beautiful glimpse into how the body of Christ is alive and well and how God's grace can defeat your fears and anxieties to a limit you never knew possible.  I want people to know that you can experience difficult and stressful times in life, rely on your faith in God, and see that faith come to life as you live each day.  The days may not always be pretty or easy, but you can survive each day with hope and thanksgiving.

So as we enter this week, I know that I will be reliving those days and moments leading up to her hospital stay and all that followed; not because I am consumed by the past, but rather because I am overwhelmed by the goodness and love of our God.  Amanda's life is a living testimony and I am so honored to be a small part of it.

I told Amanda last week that her life may be known by her experience with cancer, but her life will not be defined by it.  Thank you for bringing that statement to life by the way you have blessed our family in so many ways.  We have experienced much and been blessed even more.

So as I look back and praise God at how far we have come, I hope that you can see that our blog has become a prayer journal.  We asked, and I will admit at times I begged, God to answer our prayers, and through his mercy, he did.  May God receive all the glory.

In those weeks that lead up to our decision to take Amanda to Dell, it was amazing at how quickly we saw the physical changes on her left side. 

• In early to mid February, Amanda's walk started changing.  She was swinging her left leg out when she walked and then later she started carrying her left arm at an angle.
• One Friday, Thomas went on a field trip and spent the day observing her and he knew something wasn't right.  I made an appointment with our family doctor for that next Monday, February 25.  
• On Saturday, she was practicing her piano and had trouble playing her bass clef chords because her left hand wasn't strong enough to make the stretch to play them.
• Monday, we saw our family physician.  Blood tests came back good, but there was a definite weakness on her left side.  We scheduled an appointment to see a neurologist, but the first available was in April.  Our doctor was on the phone Tuesday trying to get us in as soon as possible.
• Tuesday, Tom was at work.  Amanda tripped and fell numerous times at school that day.  Tom and I, with our doctor's encouragement, made the decision to take her to Dell the next morning when Thomas came home.  That evening, as the kids and I walked out of a restaurant, she was holding a soda bottle in her left hand and said that it was too heavy for her to hold and she was about to drop it.  
• By the time she woke up Wednesday morning, she could not use her left arm.  When we arrived at Dell Children's Hospital Emergency Room in Austin, we were back in a room within ten minutes, saw a doctor who then immediately went to speak to a neurologist.  The day was long and Amanda went through many exams - "touch your nose then touch my finger," "raise your arms" and "squeeze my fingers." After an early afternoon attempt to do an MRI while awake (she couldn't sit still in noisy machine for two hours!), a little after 6:00 p.m. she was taken back for an MRI with sedation.  It was late that night that we were told we were being admitted.  That is when we learned she had a mass at the base of her brain and would most likely require surgery the next day.

And so our journey began....

In the Emergency Room - February 27, 2013

From the CaringBridge website:

Day 2

Written Feb 28, 2013 9:03pm

Last night, we found out that the MRI showed a mass at the base of her brain and that it would most likely require surgery.  After a sleepless night, we began a long day two.  While it started with us thinking we would possibly send her to surgery, we learned that would not happen today, but was still a possibility.  We met with the team that would be working with Amanda and reviewed the MRI.  While there are several options of how to treat the tumor, the best option at this point is to go in and see if it can all be removed, or if only a portion should be removed to determine exactly what we are dealing with.  Once they have tissue samples, they will send it off to Pathology, but that will take a few days (next week) before we find out anything solid in regards to exactly what we are dealing with.  So we are looking to tomorrow with hopes for a miracle - that God would pour out his mercy upon Amanda and that she will be healed.  Her recovery will be swift and that through each day, He will be glorified by our lives.  Thank you for your prayers tomorrow for both the medical team and for our family. 

Ephesians 3:16-21
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Romeo is back, but Brandon is now on the injured list.....

What a crazy couple of days this has been!

This week, Amanda has started to feel a little more on the puny side.  She even felt bad enough that she actually took some medicine for her nausea. That says a lot about how she is feeling.  Even though she has been feeling a little on sick side, she was so ready for her riding lesson on Tuesday.  We are STILL having issues with her hip, so the ride was nice and gentle.  She rode Oakey.   We learned some very exciting news yesterday afternoon: Romeo is back in the arena for walking-only lessons! Amanda was extremely excited and all for it.  Since she can't do much because of her hip, they are a perfect pair.  Just the other day she was telling me how far away April was.  When I asked what was going on in April, she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Rome will be back!" Silly me.  This is big news for her and she is thrilled.

This morning, we were at ROCK so Amanda could help with a therapy session for Romeo.  While we were there, we were surprised with a beautiful watercolor of Amanda and Romeo painted by Dick Taylor.  It is so beautiful, it made me cry.  Amanda and I are in the middle of an ongoing debate of where it will hang - the den or in her room.  I think I may lose this one.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but Brandon injured his ankle back in November during football.  He was able to rest it for a week and wore a brace for the remainder of the season, and while it has been on the weak side, we thought it was doing okay.  Unfortunately, it continued to bother him, and developed a knot below his ankle.  We took him to a podiatrist today and turns out he has a ganglion cyst.  The doctor drained it there in the office, injected it with steroids and put him in a compression wrap and boot for a month.  It was not a pleasant experience and he is in quiet a bit of pain this evening.  Despite the inconvenience and disruption of routine, not to mention his current discomfort, we see this as a huge praise.  We went in to the appointment today thinking that surgery was a possibility, and for now, we have hope that this method of treatment will take care of the cyst all together.  Please pray for that! 

Amanda's lesson this afternoon on Romeo was fun to watch.  Amanda smiled for what seemed like the entire ride.  She was happy to be back with him.  I love the connection she has with him.  It is special to see.

On a personal note, every day I seem to get better at allowing myself to look a little more into the future and plan.  It is a good feeling.  In fact, as we enrolled both kids back in Grace for next year, it was an AWESOME feeling.   God is doing exciting things in our lives, opening new doors, planting hopes and dreams for the future - each day is a blessing.

As I sit here, typing this, (I typed this MUCH earlier in the evening....posted way after their bedtime!) the kids and Tom are together in the other room and I hear their voices drifting across the house. What a beautiful sound.  Life is precious. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

“My life is but a weaving between my God and me.

I cannot choose the colors He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper and I the underside.

Not ‘til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas and reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful in the weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares; nothing this truth can dim.

He gives the very best to those who leave the choice to Him.”

~ Corrie Ten Boom

Amanda was so happy to be back on a horse!

She talks the entire lesson...

She makes these funny faces at me, and I love it when I am able to catch it on film!

She was one happy girl just having Romeo walking beside her.  She actually smiled at me!

What an amazing and special gift.  Thank you Mr. Taylor!

She was so excited to ride Romeo! Emily let Amanda help tack before her lesson.

Pure happiness!

I think even Kristin was thrilled Romeo was back!

And there she goes - let the talking begin!

Caught her again!  Love seeing my girl act silly.

She is one horse crazy girl.

You are never going to believe this!

Oh yeah - that's my girl!  The kids had the privilege to hunt at the Double A Ranch owned by the Archer family down in Uvalde this past week. What an amazing experience!  The facilities are gorgeous and the Archer family, their ranch management team and Jason and Jessica Reeves made this an experience we will always remember.

Our trip in pictures:

As soon as we arrived, the kids hit the target range to make sure the guns were sighted in.

Amanda sighted in and after a few practice shots, walked away with a bulls eye.

Brandon was right on, which is pretty typical for him. :)

This boy ain't afraid to wear pink ear muffs...

The safari truck is how we began the hunt and we were hunting axis deer.  So much fun!!

First on the truck waiting for everyone else to load.  She was ready to go hunt!

It was cold riding up on top with the wind blowing, so we were bundled while the truck moved.  You can't hesitate when trying to shoot axis deer - it required a quick aim and a quick shot.  During all the trips, we only had one decent shot and it was at about 300 yards.

We came up on a herd of axis but they ran off into the bush....

...so Jessica and Amanda tried to stalk them...unfortunately the deer were too quick.

The plan for our trip was to hunt axis and white tail deer.  There was a specific nine point buck that they wanted Amanda to shoot.  After two safari style hunts on Thursday looking for the oh-so-elusive axis deer, we were preparing to head to the deer stands that evening.  As we turned the corner in truck, we came upon this big boy:

He was not at all bothered by us watching him. This was not the nine point we were after, but rather a ten point that typically hung out with him.  While we were stopped watching him, Brad and Nicole Archer pulled up next to us, and with their permission, Amanda took aim and shot him. 

Amanda gave Brad a big hug for letting her shoot that deer! 

I think, if possible, we were all just as excited, if not more excited, than Amanda was!

Can you find the buck?

A bird's eye view as we kept an eye on where the buck went.  He didn't run far.

Brandon was very proud of Amanda and this deer. 

 Amanda, Jessica and Jason - who is more excited?

 At this point, Brandon was going to try to shoot that nine point, so Jessica, Brandon and I headed to the stand while everyone else made their way back to the barn to take care of Amanda's buck.  As we sat and waited, aside from a great time to visit and fellowship, we had plenty to keep us from getting bored:

It's been a long time since I have seen a covey of quail!

As the sun set and the moon rose high above the ranch, we left the stand without a deer, but we knew we had one more chance in the morning.  They never saw the nine point buck, but Brandon shot a doe.

My Grace Academy peeps should appreciate this picture.  Thursday night was Crazy Hat night! 

After an amazing dinner of home made gumbo, we ended the day with a campfire, laughter and riddles.  It was a relaxing, humorous and unforgettable way to close out the day.

This is known as the Lodge.  It has a meeting room along with several 'hotel style' rooms, all with their own theme.

Amanda was allowed to choose which room we would stay in....

....and she went with the room that smelled like cedar and had a hunting theme!  Surprised me!

This beautiful home burned down in the forties and when the Archers bought the land, all that was left standing was the outside concrete walls.  Over a three year period, the Archers patiently and painstakingly remodeled the home into a beautiful tribute to the past.

Day two was Valentines Day so we all wore red shirts while we hunted.  Breakfast was heart shaped waffles and fresh fruit.

I got kicked out of the top bench once Jason and Jessica's friends arrived.  For some reason, Megan and Collin, who both help Jessica and Jason with their TPW youth hunts, are much more fun than Mom.  (And they don't have a camera!)

But I still got my pictures!

I'd like to introduce you to the camp buck.  He acts like he doesn't have a care in the world and is very comfortable just hanging around the buildings. 

The turkeys also enjoyed hanging around as well!

The newest addition to our Team Watson family, Allyn and Susan Archer....

.....and Jason and Jessica Reeves. 

People come into your lives for a reason.  The weekend was full of fellowship, sharing and encouragement.  Jason was our main contact in the scheduling and planning of this past weekend.  As we have spoken over the past few weeks, even months, a connection was made between our families and after a fabulous weekend together, we look forward to our next meeting.

The people we have had the privilege to meet and spend time with over this last year has molded and shaped our journey in a way that only God could be in control of.   While Amanda shot an amazing buck, Brandon a doe and we had a blast at attempting to hunt axis deer, this trip was so much more than just a hunting trip.  We made new friendships and beautiful memories, and for that, we are thankful.

James 1:17
 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.