Pink, Purple and Baby Blue Roses

I know I am supposed to be sharing photos from our vacation, but with August 6 quickly approaching, I have found myself in somewhat of a state of numbness and disbelief.  As the reality and shock that Amanda has been gone for a year continues to set in, at times I feel like I am going through some of my day in autopilot.  Seems incredibly hard to grasp that is has been a whole year.....feels like so much longer yet at the same time it seems like yesterday.

As you remember, we had the blessing of having time with Amanda the day she died where she told us things she wants us to do as we go through the years ahead without her.  That is both heartbreaking and reassuring at the same time.  Talk about my girl knowing her momma!  Giving me specific instructions and plans to carry out for the many different occasions makes me feel close to her during those times.  It make me feel like she is still here in tangible ways.

Back to her instructions, Amanda asked for pink, purple and baby blue rose petals to be placed on her grave each year on the day she died.  (White roses sprayed blue is the key to baby blue roses.  They actually look pretty!)  Putting flowers at the graves is something we have done for Grammy and Grampy each year so she was familiar to that tradition.

When Tom had the original conversation with Amanda (it had come up before the day she died), Tom suggested that we have the flowers in the house before the actual date so we could enjoy them and think of her every time we saw them. Then we would place the petals on her grave on the day she died. She liked that idea. 

Ordering the flowers, deciding how and what we will do on that day then passing it on to family has been so incredibly hard, however, the details are done and for a short while, gave me something to focus on. We will have a small family service that evening and honor out sweet Amanda's wishes.

I don't want it to be a reality.  I don't want the fact that Amanda has been gone for a year to be true.  I don't want to face the day.  I have a strong case of the "I don't wannas."   Life doesn't give us the choice nor does it care that we don't want to do some things.  Life ruthlessly marches on.

The one thing that I hold on to and that brings me some comfort is how that same morning, during that same conversation, she told us not to cry, that she was going to Heaven.  She was confident, peaceful and she was not afraid. 

So if possible, I will prepare to be ready to face the day with as much courage and strength Amanda showed.  We will choose to celebrate that Amanda has been living in perfection for a year.  She is healed, running freely, singing with the angels and spending her time worshiping the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  

And that is something to celebrate. 

Blessed Assurance - Fanny Crosby

1. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
   Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
   Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
   Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
   • Refrain:
     This is my story, this is my song,
     Praising my Savior all the day long;
     This is my story, this is my song,
     Praising my Savior all the day long.
2. Perfect submission, perfect delight,
   Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
   Angels, descending, bring from above
   Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
3. Perfect submission, all is at rest,
   I in my Savior am happy and blest,
   Watching and waiting, looking above,
   Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

Watson Vacation 2015 and how I survived....

Num 13:33 - There we saw the giants

This past week I have faced giants.  For me, the giants represented fear, sadness, grief, pain and loss.

Every summer we have a week long Watson summer vacation with Tom's family.   We used to refer to as our lake trip, however, when Amanda was diagnosed, the Waco Watsons (we refer to each family by the city they live in) graciously opened their home for all 16 of us to come stay there for a week.   And yes, we still enjoy each others company after a week of togetherness!

As we drove to Waco for our yearly Watson summer vacation, I saw giants all around.  Those giants stood before me, beside me and behind me as we made our way there.  I was convinced I would not be able to defeat them as we started our vacation last Friday.

Once we arrived, the giants were still there and I felt defeated.  The giant pain of being there without Amanda was almost more than I could bear.  The giant sadness and grief of her absence was felt with every step, around every corner and in each "thing" we did; fixing a meal, watching the young ones play, holding December baby, playing games, getting the kids ready to swim....it was incredibly hard to go through the motions without thinking that last year she was there.  Last year we made our decisions around how she felt and what she was able to do.  Last year we were laughing and smiling through the fear and worry of the unknown with Amanda, but it was still a wonderful trip.  This year, simply out of habit I found myself looking for her as we went through the days.

So while everyone arrived on Friday and we were starting our first vacation without her, I was overwhelmed by grief.  As the evening wound down, my brother in law Clint had us all gather in the living room.  We started the vacation by singing hymns, one of which was "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms." If you have been following our blog, you know this is the song, that on the day we learned that the tumor was back and we were out of medical options to treat her cancer, Amanda was whistling  "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" as she lay in bed that night.  That song was also sang at her graveside, and then again at the Watson Christmas.   We finished our time of singing with "Count Your Blessings."

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings see what God hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Refrain

That is a beautiful hymn, full of truth.  We then had a time of prayer as a family.  After that, Tom, Brandon and I were surprised by a slideshow that Aunt Jo, AJ and Meredith put together.  Not only was it was a beautiful reminder for me that our sweet Amanda will never be forgotten, but it also showed her incredibly close relationship with her cousins.

Each family continues to keep Amanda in their conversations, have her pictures up and recall fun memories of Amanda and her young cousins.  The sweet gesture of the slideshow absolutely made me lose it.  I pretty much sobbed through the whole slideshow.  It was beautiful. 

Those first two days were extremely painful.  As the week went on, despite painful reminders all around me, I was able to take deep breaths and enjoy our time together.  There were moments of complete brokenness and pain, there were moments of grief overshadowed by the sweetness and innocence of a child, and their were moments of pure joy and happiness.

As we sat there the last morning, simply looking at my nieces and nephews and knowing how much Amanda would have loved the vacation had me battling the tears.  The realization washed over me that most of them will have no memories of Amanda, simply know her from pictures and stories told.  For some reason, that is devastatingly painful.  The two older girl cousins grew up with Amanda and played together for days on end.  I pray they are able to hold on to the real Amanda and their memories with her instead of relying on stories and the memories of others.

Some of Amanda's final instructions she gave us on the day she died:
--Don't forget her or stop talking about her
--To tell her young cousins and  “December baby” about her so they wouldn’t forget her (our sister-in-law is due in December and Amanda called it December baby) (December Baby is now Leah Providence, but on occasion I still lovingly refer to her as December baby.)

Amanda - we are doing our best to follow your instructions well...

Bittersweet.  Pain.  Laughter.  Love.  Grief.  All those emotions rolled into a week of new memories with our family.  We are blessed by our loving and supporting families.

I battled the giants, and I feel like I won.

Watson Family Vacation - 2015

I have many, many more pictures to share of our vacation! I just have to go through all 343 of them.  :)

Num 13:33 - There we saw the giants
Yes, they saw the giants, but Caleb and Joshua saw God! Those who doubt say, “We be not able to go up.” Those who believe say, “Let us go up at once and possess it, for we are well able.”

Giants stand for great difficulties; and giants are stalking everywhere. They are in our families, in our churches, in our social life, in our own hearts; and we must overcome them or they will eat us up, as these men of old said of the giants of Canaan.

Now the fact is, unless we have the overcoming faith we shall be eaten up, consumed by the giants in our path. Let us have the spirit of faith that these men of faith had, and see God, and He will take care of the difficulties. —Selected; Streams in the Desert

Today, my boy turns 14

Today, my boy is 14.  How does that happen?! Seems like only yesterday I was bawling my eyes out as we dropped him off for Kindergarten. (Yes, I was one of those moms.)  As we have watched him grow and mature, it is evident that God's plans for his life are special.  Thomas and I are incredibly proud of who he has become.  Over the past year, his maturity in decisions and choices have astounded us with the wisdom and thought behind them, and yet, he is still a typical teenage boy with all that comes with that age.  He still gives me hugs and kisses no matter where we are, and he is quick to come comfort me when I am crying or sad.  While I worry about this last "first" without Amanda, I know that we will get through today like we have the past year; remembering, cherishing, a few tears and lots of love. 

As a mom, I am blessed and thankful for the privilege of calling him my son. 

A new slideshow as I wrap up this week......

I wanted to let you know - I am doing okay.  The simple truth is that I am a mother who is about to hit the one year date of the death of her precious  ten year old daughter, so there are going to be those heartbreaking, painful, sobbing kind of days.  But God is good.  His mercies are new every morning. He never runs out of those mercies, so I will keep drinking them in, and with faith and hope, I know I will get through each day, no matter how difficult that day is.

July 2014

The morning after my last post, I woke up humming a song that we had sung in church on Sunday night.  This song has deep meaning for me because in 2012, both while Tom was preparing to go to Africa and while he was there, it played often on KLove.  I would often find myself singing it throughout the day.  The song is "I'm Not Home Yet" by Building 429.  Part of the song says:

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

The feedback and love that came pouring in after my post on Monday was incredibly humbling.  Many people have been in touch with me these past few days checking in to see how I am doing.  I am grateful for the encouragement and support.

Tuesday was a new day filled with God's mercies.  That is what allows me to pour out my grief on those incredibly painful days.  I realize it may be hard and a little concerning to read, it is extremely healing and cleansing to let it out.

So if we meet and I am laughing and smiling, rejoice with me that it is a good day.  That doesn't mean that I am not thinking of Amanda; it simply means that the memories are sweet ones and I am able to smile. And if we meet and there are tears, that's okay too.  Every day is new, every day is filled with memories and that is exactly how I want it.   However, one thing remains the same, good or bad day, the pain never goes away.

My latest therapy has been making a slideshow for our Double A family at the Double A Ranch in Uvalde, TX.  We have sweet, cherished memories with a group of very special people.  I hope you enjoy it. 

Amanda and our Double A family

Hope Endures

A little heads up, tonight, this blog is for me as I am hurting.  I am holding a mirror up to myself to remind me of the truth and hope that my head knows.  I know these truths, but I must continually remind myself of them over and over.  “This light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” 2 Corinthians 4:17   “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, God has prepared for those who love him” 1 Corinthians 2:9

I have never held back here.  I have always been brutally, painfully honest.  It is and has been a place of refuge for me to pour out my heart and empty my thoughts and emotions as if I was emptying a bucket of water into the vast ocean.  It's simply a small blog, but one that is therapeutic for me as I have walked this long journey. 

As we get closer to August 6, the waves of pain keep getting bigger and bigger.  The grief as I think about Brandon's first birthday without Amanda causes me to physically ache.  I think about Amanda and Brandon's relationship and how he has been without that companion and friend for almost a year and I can barely hold the tears back.  Our upcoming Watson Vacation, our first without Amanda, frightens me as the emotions already overwhelm me when I think of it.  When I look at the crepe myrtles blooming that were planted in her memory, I think of how wrong this all is.  This is not how it is supposed to be.  I should be excited about a new school year approaching and Amanda entering the School of Logic with her classmates....and yet instead, Tom, Brandon and I are thinking how we will mark the passing of our first year without our Amanda. 

The pain pours out of me in sobs of grief and I wonder how can I go through a lifetime like this?  Will the pain of missing her touch, her voice, her tears and her laughter ever ease?  Will I ever stop regretting all the things that I am missing out on in our mother/daughter relationship that ended too soon?   I asked Tom today, "How do parents survive this without knowing God?"  His reply - "Without hope? I don't know."  Hope.  And that is when the reminder hit me.  That is where my focus should stay.  I clung to hope the entire 17 months, and then when we found out that this wicked disease was going to take her life - I never gave up hope that my God could heal her if He chose.  When God called her home my hope then changed from us beating cancer to knowing - without a doubt and with a rock solid certainty - that I will see her again one day.  And that gives me hope.

I found myself listening to Amanda's memorial service earlier today.  Pastor Dan said this in his message, "I thought about hope and how hope endures. That means that as Christians, we always have a future.  And those who might say that they regret that Amanda didn't get to live out her life, listen, Amanda has an eternal future in Jesus Christ that shall never end.  You have to be able to look at things that are not seen to fully grasp and understand that." (Sounds like a reminder I needed to hear!)

So while today has been a day of many, many tears; mingled in those tears were smiles and laughter as I remembered my sweet girl.  Winding down today and preparing to sleep, I am exhausted from a long day, but I am ready for tomorrow - for it is filled with the promises of His new mercies.

From July 12, 2014.  Coincidence?  I think not. 
Yesterday, I pretty much put it out there how much I have been hurting and struggling during these past two weeks. And typical of the roller coaster of my emotions, some days are much easier than others.  However, I left something out last night.  And it is so incredibly important at this stage of our battle. 

Hope. 

Oh yes - I still have it and I'm not letting go.  HOPE.  It's still there even though we are facing a very formidable enemy.  The God of the universe, the one who created every cell in our body and had the incredible imagination to create the beauty of the world we live in, has the ability to completely cure my daughter's cancer; or bring along another treatment that is successful in slowing or stalling the tumor.  If it is His will for her life.  If it is for His glory.  That is what anchors me on those days of total messiness and tears.  And here is the part that really gets crazy - even if He chooses not to do either one of those things - we will still give Him glory.  Because I have complete faith and trust in His sovereignty. 

While I may struggle at times to put joy and suffering in the same sentence, I firmly believe what Team Watson is walking through right now is so that the works of God might be displayed in our lives.  And while we don't exactly know what that looks like tomorrow, next month or next year, His grace is enough, no matter what. 

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

The pain of reading the blog from July 2014....

Today has been incredibly hard.  I am somewhat amazed at the layer and depths that grief touches your emotions.  It's almost like when you hurt, it goes so much deeper than it used to.  And then on top of grief, when something besides Amanda's death hurts you, cause I am still living in this sinful world, it is much quicker to go deep and painful like an ugly splinter that you want removed, but you don't have the necessary tools to make it even possible.  God made us very complex beings.  I love Him for that.  My empathy and compassion has deepened after experiencing a loss like the death of Amanda.  That also means I feel more and hurt more than I used to by allowing myself to be open and vulnerable.  My hope is that God will always use that attribute for His glory.

This weekend, I was looking at last summer's blog to find a picture. I was looking for our family Fourth of July photo we took in Waco with all the Watson crew. 

I found myself reading over the posts before I could stop myself.   All summer I have been doing my best to avoid last year's timeline of this summer.  Not only for the obvious reasons, but also because I knew that once I went down that road, my mind would continue to replay the events.  It was an incredibly hard, tearful and painful morning as I read through that last month. 

Then a sweet surprise on Saturday.  Someone gave me an incredibly special gift out of the blue and completely anonymous.  It blessed me more than words can say.  I like to think it was another well timed reminder that Amanda is in Heaven and she is in good hands.

I think the hardest part about the here and now is that the shock is gone and the reality is, well, all too real.  The pain is so intense that it is a true physical pain and makes me want to just pull in and try to shut out the reality, but that's not an option.  I have found myself having difficulty focusing....

July 1, 2014 we found out that the tumor had returned and were told at that time that basically we were out of effective treatment options. 

For me, that was probably the most painful day up to that point. Looking back now and knowing that we were only 5 weeks away from Amanda's death is almost unbelievable.  No one, not even the doctors and certainly not us, thought she would decline as quickly as she did.  If I am honest, even though it tears me apart and leaves me in shattered pieces, I am thankful for that.  God was so gracious to Amanda and our family during those last days.  Honestly, God was incredibly gracious for the full seventeen months as we battled cancer. 

What I didn't see coming was that walking through these days a year later would be so incredibly painful as we approach the one year anniversary.

July 1, 2014

There comes a day when the reality of the fallen world we live in smacks you right in the face.  Today's appointment was the hardest day of my life, up to this point.  Harder than when we received the original MRI results, harder than the day Amanda had brain surgery, harder than when we walked into the Cancer Center before receiving an official diagnosis, harder than the last 16 months....

As we sat in the conference room reviewing the scans with Dr. George and Dr. Harrod, they took the time to gently explain where we are at.  With care and concern they told us that the tumor has returned and at this point, as we stand at the end of the the completion of her radiation and chemotherapy treatment, we have given it our best shot at defeating her cancer.   There is no more radiation that we can do, and we gave her the strongest chemotherapy treatment possible.

And then, just like that, a little over a month later, we were saying goodbye to our sweet girl.

I don't think there is really any way to "handle" this time of grieving.  I think it is simply making it through each day, breath by breath and step by step.  And each day, I attempt to stay focused on Tom and Brandon and try to laugh and find joy with them, even while the pain is still so raw and just under the surface. There is also work to help distract me for a few short hours with an amazing group of Godly friends who are right there in the trenches with me.  And I am incredibly thankful for my family and friends who continue to come alongside to love and encourage me. 

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”
―Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

I've gone a little "canvas crazy" as Tom likest to call it.  We are redoing one of the walls in our family room with family pictures.  I found this one recently and couldn't help myself - I had to buy it.  All I had to do was put the perfect picture in it.

So as we walk through the month of July, I would ask that you pray for our family.  Pray for mercy, strength, courage and joy.  Also pray that we would, as a family, use this time to continue to grow closer to God.  Our pain is not meaningless and that is a reminder I often need to hear.

Some days it's simply too hard to see through the tears and grief.

One of things Amanda would often say, even up until that last day, was that there was still time for a miracle.  While we floated in the pool on day in late July of last year, I asked her how her left hand was doing.  She said something along the lines of, "The same, but if it doesn't get better here, it will in Heaven." And then she smiled.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

What hurt about Father's Day

I mentioned a few posts back that I would try to articulate why Father's Day was so incredibly painful for me.  After all, it was Father's Day - it wasn't about me.  And it wasn't that it was simply another painful first for our family that made it so hard.

I am a daddy's girl.  Always have been.  I would spend every Saturday that I could remember as a child going to Florence with my dad, golfing with my dad, hunting and visiting church members with my dad.  When I was 15 and started playing the piano at Lawler, he was always right across the stage, sitting in his pew, reviewing his notes for his sermon.  We did weddings and funerals together, more than I can count.  And while my dad was my pastor for most of my life, a very sweet and special bond as my father was still the most important relationship we have.  Not only do I love my dad, but I respect, admire him and am proud to be his daughter.

I'll never get tired of seeing this beautiful picture.

This was taken during Revival in 2013.  She was about to start her second chemo cycle, but we made every night of revival.

So as Father's Day grew closer, I thought of how I felt about my father, and then about Thomas.  Looking back on Tom and Amanda's relationship, they had that special bond as well.  I thought about everything that I got to do with my dad and realized that Tom just got to see a glimpse of that with Amanda in her all too short 10 years. My heart was breaking because I knew, as a daughter, all the special and wonderful things he was going to miss out on.

There is just something special about daddies and daughters.  The love and cuddles, giggles and snuggles can't be replaced by any other relationship.  Daddy's have this sort of hero persona in their daughter's eyes.  Daddy's can fix anything. 

And then, as daughters grow up out of that little girl phase and start to mature as Christians, they begin to see how much more our heavenly father loves them.  It always gave me a beautiful image of how much more deep and strong and wide God's love for us is by watching my dad and how much he loved our family. 

As a wife and mom, I am blessed with a husband that is so much like my father.  Tom is an amazing husband and father, so to think of him on his first Father's Day without his little girl was almost more than I could bear. 

I happened to get sick the Saturday before Father's Day with a stomach bug and did not "celebrate" Father's Day with the rest of the family.  Brandon and I gave Tom his gifts the day before.  To be honest, as the boys left to go to Waco to spend the day with the Watson family, I was almost thankful that I could just sleep the day away and to some sense, ignore the day.  I like to look at it as a mode of survival for me on that day.  Strange, I know.

So the comfort of God was the only way to make it through those days and the days after as I still had to process the emotions and grieve the day.

Tom's Father's Day present - this is a huge collage hanging in his home office.  We also bought him new bird feeders for the back yard.  We love watching the birds, just like Amanda did.  Those things that remind us of her are cherished more each day.

Ephesians 3:14-19
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

The reminder of our handsome young man and the role both Tom and I play in his life during this time is top priority, even if at times the grief overshadows our lives.  So as we continue to walk through these painful firsts, the pain and hurt is still there, but we walk on knowing that we can and must rely on the strength and love of our heavenly Father.

Every day is a new challenge.  Every day requires new mercies.  And every day is a chance to honor and glorify God by how we live our lives.  I feel incredibly blessed to have married a man that seeks God's guidance on how to lead both as a husband and a father.  So, late as it may be - Happy Father's Day to an amazing Dad. 

Ephesians 3:20-21
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

2012