A mixture of updates and memories...

At times I find myself overwhelmed by the continued love and support our family receives.  You'll have to forgive me, my mind is bouncing all over the place and so does this post.

One of Tom's coworker's found out why he wasn't at work on August 6, because it was the one year date, and shared our story with her sister.  Her sister just happens to be an amazing artist.  This water color is a gift from that sweet family.  When Tom brought the picture home, I was completely speechless.  The beauty of it and the how it expresses our faith from the book of Psalms is an awesome combination.  Tom pointed out he could just see Amanda deciding to make a crown of grapes that day to wear in her hair.......I think he is right.  As we watched Amanda mature during those 17 months, she was coming in to that fun stage of fixing her hair, picking out her own style of clothes and hitting those pre-teen years where she was enjoying getting ready to go places.  That is something I find myself missing as a mom of a girl.

This watercolor will simply take your breath away.  Can't you just see Amanda wearing a crown of grapes as she lives each day in perfection?

The school year is progressing well for Brandon.  He is doing great in all his classes and likes his teachers.  Right now we are enjoying dove season.  With deer season right around the corner (his favorite season) the anticipation is high.  Sweet Annie continues to grow.  I am starting to wonder when she will stop.  She is long-legged and absolutely beautiful.  The best part about her is her sweet temperament that matches her beauty.  I often find myself looking in her golden eyes and thinking how Amanda would have loved her.  Amanda was fascinated by the eyes of animals, and Annie's eyes are some of the prettiest I've seen.  I think Amanda would have spoiled her rotten despite Brandon's objections.  On one of our recent hunting trips, Annie was able to find a dead bird that a group of 6 adults were unable to find in the sunflower field.  Even though she is not yet six months old - she is showing all the traits of a great hunting dog!   I am thankful (and relieved!) that we have been blessed with a dog that has a great personality and fits in well with our family.

 

Can you believe this sweet little thing is what we brought home?

Me and my sweet pea dove hunting - well, we were just the support team.  ;)

Annie and Uncle Wayne had the best seats in the field...

This past weekend my sisters and I took a little road trip and enjoyed a Garth Brooks concert in Dallas.  The time away, with only the three of us, was an amazing time.  The laughter and ability to be ourselves was much needed and extremely enjoyed.  Listening to the songs from my high school days, surrounded by people who loved the music as much as we do in our section helped make the night unforgettable.

I have never taken for granted how God has blessed our family.  Up until Amanda's diagnosis, our family had what the world would consider a picture perfect family.  Then came her cancer prognosis and our world was turned upside down.   Suddenly we were dealing with every parent's nightmare.  Yet through it all, each person in our family knew that God was in control, and while everyone had to take their own journey through the nightmare that was our reality, our faith remained strong and the family support never wavered.  It wasn't always easy and it certainly didn't end like we prayed that it would, but we trusted God and we know, without a doubt, that we will see my sweet girl again.  The bonds of our family have grown stronger in a way that only through tests and trials of heartbreak can create.  We found our foundation of faith in Christ Jesus is real, true and more powerful than we realize.  And for that I can still say that God has incredibly blessed our family.

I love these two sisters of mine! A little road trip to Dallas to see Garth Brooks last week.

I'm feeling a bit sentimental this week.  On Amanda's birthday, Tom Brandon and I were out of town, but Amanda's classmates celebrated her birthday with a cookie cake (Amanda had a cookie cake every year on her birthday at school.)  We were surprised and touched when Mr. Field, sixth grade's homeroom teacher this year, handed me a stack of birthday cards.  Each student had made Amanda a card. 
Here are a few of the messages from the cards:
"Even though you are in heaven, (and is probably having the best birthday ever) I want you to know that we're celebrating your birthday here too."
"Happy birthday!  Miss you!  I wish you could be here, but I know you're having the best time of your life.  Literally.  I can't wait to see you again."
"I love you.  I hope in heaven you can have all the chocolate bunnies with gummie worms in it.  Have fun playing with Jesus.  You were such a great friend to me and still are.  Have fun, I love you."
"Dear Watsons, thank you for letting Amanda come to this school and learn with our class.  Even though we may not see her physically now, I thank you for letting us be with her, play with her, and letting us be her friends for the time that we had together.  All those special moments together have a purpose.  The memory of Amanda will last forever.  I am praying for you." 

 
I have been blogging since February, 2013. Over the years, I have read all the comments that have been posted.  All of them.  I often read them to Amanda as well.  One that was recently posted was so beautifully written that I could close me eyes and picture it.  It was on the post I shared how our family fulfilled Amanda's wishes by placing the rose petals on her grave the day she died.  This is what it said:

I can just see rose petals falling all around Amanda in heaven. She looks up bewildered with a questioning look and He says, with that magnificently warm smile and gleaming eyes, "Special delivery from your Mommy, Daddy & big brother."

I close my eyes and can imagine the look on her face.....the warmth of her smile as she realizes we are following her wishes and when she looks up at God, she is enveloped in His love.

The week after Amanda died, my brother-in-law's brother, Tommy, passed away from cancer as well.  Tommy's daughter and I grew up together - we were practically each others shadows when we were younger.  Having grown up in the Kelley family as one of theirs, his death coming right after Amanda's was painful and hard.  I found myself in the depths of my pain wondering how much can a family take?  And then I read my brother-in-law's post (Hoss Kelley) that day on Facebook.  Tommy was an amazing writer and it seems like that gift wasn't limited to him.  This is what Hoss wrote as he sat by Tommy's bedside in the hospital:
I've seen him get mad, seen him cry and I have seen him with a broken heart. But we will always be brothers and my best friend. He always had my back and I had his.  I know when it is my time to go he will be waiting for me and Papa Kelley will be mad because Tommy out-fished him again. I know when I close my eyes and wake up in heaven a little red headed girl will take me by the hand and say come on Uncle Wayne, let's go play.

I have to admit, this is a weird and crazy place to be.  One day, life is good, I am strong and ready to face the day with strength and purpose.  Then, for no reason, the next day (or even that same "good day") I can barely breathe the pain is so intense.  Simply thinking of Amanda causes physical pain as I realize I will never touch her, hear her voice or see her beautiful smile on this earth.  What a crazy life I find myself in.  Without my faith, the hope that I find in God, along with the love and support that surrounds me, getting through some of the days would feel almost impossible. 

Since Amanda's diagnosis, I have found one thing to be true - I can not use up God's mercies, love or patience.  We were made to have emotions and we were made to love.  How blessed I am to have gotten to love Amanda, even though she only was here for a little while....she lives forever in our hearts and I hold on to the hope of seeing her again.

Romans 5:3-4
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope...

My thoughts as we start this second year....

We made it past the one year mark.  Then we made it through Amanda's birthday and our anniversary. I still find myself very much in the ups and downs of grief.  That first year was supposed to be the hardest.  Going through all the "firsts" without Amanda should have been the heartbreaking challenge and as time goes by, it should get easier......or so I have heard.   But it's only been a year.  One year.

Last year, I was functioning in an almost auto-pilot mode.  You know - going through the day because I had no other choice. At times it was as if I was in an almost haze-like world that I didn't belong in.  The pain of Amanda's death and loss of a child was so great and dramatic that I really believe my mind simply did what it had to do without giving it much thought. 

What I'm finding these days, and I have shared this before so bear with me, is that all the shock is gone, all the numbness that protected my heart from really facing the fullness of the pain is no longer there and I honestly think that it has gotten harder.  Life has gotten more "real."  This reality is so vivid and in my face that there are days I hurt from when I wake up to when I go to bed.  Some days the pain of missing Amanda is at such an intense level, I never believed it possible for a person could feel this way and still go on with life in a "normal" fashion all around me without people stopping to look at me. But they don't, and it does, and I am stumbling along right beside them without a choice.

And that is what I am realizing.......my life will never be normal again.  At least, never normal like those around me.  This grief I carry, that is always running in the background of my mind (and I do mean always) will never go away.  I am still trying to come to grips with that.  It's hard to imagine that is the truth my life now, but it is.  My ability to do tasks has changed so dramatically it is unsettling.  Instead of saying I have started a new chapter of who I am, I should say there is a novel about how I have changed because the breadth and depth of who I am, how I handle things and deal with situations is so unlike who I "used to be."  The craziest thing is - I am still me.

Sounds depressing if I stopped there - but that my friends is the unbelievable beauty of the loving God I serve.   While I may not be who I was three years ago, I am exactly who God wants me to be right now in this place He has me. I am here for a purpose and a reason.  This is not an waisted pain.  That is not always easy to accept.  It is hard for someone (me) that has always been a very detailed and a big picture kind of person to suddenly have problems with my memory or the ability to handle a task with a lot of details.   These things are still in my ability, it just takes an incredible amount of energy and focus for me to accomplish them and then I am exhausted.  And I hold myself to the same level of performance that I used to produce.  With the help of my family, my counselor, friends and co-workers, I am starting to give myself grace in that area, but it has been hard.   My God is a God who goes before me and prepares the way.  He is a God of comfort, peace, strength and courage.  Best of all, He is a God that loves me and is for me.  I have a wonderful husband and one amazing teenage boy that are tremendous blessings to me.

So while I am navigating through this second year, I know that it will be continue to be filled with those moments of complete, overwhelming grief that will blindside me (those are the absolute worst) and those days that I know will be a challenge before they even arrive,  I still trust God's plan for our family.

Even with grief always in the background, I have good days where the the joy overcomes the grief and keeps it in the background. Those are happening more often than the days where grief completely wins.  I am working hard at focusing God's plan for my life, on my boys and the life we have together and living in the day.  I am remembering the gift of my beautiful daughter and focusing on the joy her life brought me and the firm knowledge that we will be together for eternity.  This life is short.  In the book of James it says it is like a vapor so I don't want to let it pass by and regret that I didn't live it glorifying God and loving those He has blessed me with.

Our family, my life, will always feel incomplete without Amanda.  But praise God, we know where she is and we will always keep her memory alive.

So let the battle begin.  I will face each day with the mindset of focusing on joy, while doing my best not being too hard on myself when those storms of grief overshadow me.

I am incredibly thankful that I know the only One who can bring full healing to my soul....

I Am Not Alone - if you have never heard this song, please click on the title.  You'll soon understand why I find this song so beautiful.
by Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

Thankful for a my boys - here are pictures from a recent trip to the river.  And yes, the days were full of joy, my boys and water with precious memories of Amanda and the time we spent there as four.

Have I mentioned how much I love water? Sitting in the rapids makes me a happy girl.

Annie loves water too!

A dog and his boy - she sure loves him!

 And then, I get this sweet picture from a friend.  This was taken in second grade, Love these sweet friends of Amanda.

Today we celebrate 18 years of marriage

Eighteen years ago today, I walked down the aisle as a very young 20 year old.  I was head over heels for the also very young 20 year old gentleman that awaited me at the altar.

Our marriage has been anything but dull.  Our wedding day should have been the first clue to that.  We were married at Lawler and 30 minutes before our ceremony was supposed to begin, the electricity went out.  No lights, no AC, no sound system - and a room full of people.  In September.  In Texas.  One of my favorite memories about that situation was my Aunt Wilma coming to me and asking me this, "Thomas wants to know if you need electricity to marry him."  Of course I said no and off she went to get the ceremony started.  So instead of a sound system we had a boombox, and instead of lights, we had candles.  It was a beautiful, memorable and very hot ceremony.  Oh, and by the way, Thomas never asked that question, that was just Wilma's way of getting things going.  Smart lady - it was HOT in that sanctuary!

Through the years, God has blessed our marriage in numerous ways, but the greatest blessings are our two beautiful children. Two children that we prayed for, thanked God for and loved them every day of their lives.  Being a wife and a mother are my two favorite roles in life.  God has used those two relationships to completely change my life.

Thomas, thank you for loving me when I am unlovable, for supporting me in all I do, for being my friend, for giving me the gift of Brandon and Amanda but most of all, for being the head of our house that God has called you to be.  You lead with integrity, love, and commitment. 

While we never dreamed we would bury a child, we firmly believe Romans 8:28:
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

We know that we will spend eternity with Amanda.  This life is but a vapor - it is short in the light of eternity.  That is the hope we live with and the hope we hold on to.  

Thomas, I am thankful that I have you by my side in this crazy thing called life and look forward to what God has in store for us in our next eighteen!  Happy Anniversary!

How about these two young kids?!

September 13, 1997

We had ceramic unity candle and did not know we were supposed to trim the wick before we lit it. So really, it was more of unity flame than candle......

These.....these are the two greatest gifts that have come from our marriage.  How incredibly blessed we are, not only to have each other, but to be parents to these two amazing kids.

This year's birthday cake

It was so hard to pick one photo, but this one reminds me of my silly, happy girl. Amanda was a little chunk who was quick with a smile and full of personality. 

Amanda, you worried about us forgetting you or that we might stop talking about you, nothing could be farther from the truth. Your life shapes my days, has strengthened my faith into something that has become eternally focused and given me a new outlook on how each day should be lived. Our journey together through the valley has given me a voice that I didn't have. You taught me how to find joy in the depths of our sorrows, how to love through the fear and how to depend on God when all seems wrong. I would trade anything to have you back, but I'm not sorry for the beautiful gift of your life. 

You live by sight, we live by faith. 

Through your life and the gift God gave us as you talked us through the pearly gates the day you passed from this sinful world into blessed perfection, so many lives have been touched and changed.

I know I am not the only one grateful God blessed our family with your ten years. 

You will never be forgotten.  

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.

A birthday gift from Amanda...proudly introducing my daughter, the author.

Hi my name is Amanda.  I would  like to tell you about my life. One day in the year of 2013, when I was in third grade, we realized I could not open my left hand with out using my right hand to open it and I could not play the piano right. Then it got worse.  I started dragging my left foot.  Next I would trip because of the way my left foot dragged.  

So one day we went to Dell Children's Hospital emergency room to make sure nothing was wrong.  They said we should get a MRI done, so we stayed there and got the MRI done.  I chose to stay awake and watched the movie ''holes'' while I did the MRI and that is when I learned I was claustrophobic so we stopped the MRI. The next time we did the MRI the nurses put me to sleep so that I slept through it.  The results came back,I had a brain tumor and it was  effecting my left side.  March 1,2013 I had brain surgery.  I was there for only 9 days.  The only thing I ate at the hospital was chicken strips and mac and cheese.  They said if I walked I could go home. I said ''ok'' and off I went.  Meanwhile, my mom was in the hallway talking to my Aunt Josephine and Uncle Clint.  Aunt Josephine was the fist one to see me.  Her face expression was priceless.  

So I went outside for the first time after surgery.  It seemed like forever since I felt the wind blow my hair, the hot sun on my back, heard the birds and smelt the fresh air. The next day I got to go home. It was so hard for me to keep my head up in the car, it was not that comfortable. Oh boy you should have seen our yard! It was decorated! Friends made signs, put a stuffed animal cow at our door - it was awesome. When I got in our house it felt so good with so many happy memories and another to add to it, it felt so warm; just like home, but it was home. The first thing I did was go to the back door and in let our shepherd mix Bo, who was from the pound.   He is a inside dog an a outside dog and he sneezes when he is happy.  It felt like I just got out of a pool, but I was happy to see him I did not care. I hugged him and kissed him many times. I was so happy to see my room again and lay in my bed. 

Then one day we had my Aunt Lindsey and Uncle Steve and their kids, Abbey and Jem, came over.  That day Uncle Steve and my dad moved my furniture around and we cleaned my room. The next day that I can recall my Aunt JoJo and Uncle Jason and their kids, Cody, Ryan and Kyle came over.  That day I was craving Plucker's chicken wings so they said they would go and get me some so I had Plucker's for lunch that day.  I got so many cards while I was in the hospital and at home.  It felt so good to be loved by so many people.

My grandparents visited me a lot, I loved it. I went to therapy 2 times a week for a long time, but it was fun. I did radiation for 6 weeks, it almost made me hurl, it smelt horrible. Throughout this book I am taking chemo therapy.  After the next couple of chapters I got a port put in.  To be honest, I don't exactly remember when I got it so I am just going to tell you now. 

With Gods help I can get through it…

Therefore,since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,let us also lay aside every weight,and sin which clings so closely,and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,looking to Jesus,the founder and perfecter of our faith,who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,despising the shame,and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12 1-2

  

Sandy here again - Amanda was my guest blogger twice on my blog during her treatment.  That got her thinking she should write a book.  Of course I encouraged it.  She worked hard at it for awhile, she liked what she had wrote, but then moved on to write a mystery book about Romeo and horses that had gone missing.  That one she even illustrated.  The words above are all hers.  I remember sitting at the foot of her bed and her reading it to me.  Our teachers at Grace are amazingly enthusiastic about teaching and love what they do.  Her first grade teacher, Mrs. Gresham, was an amazing story teller.  During that year, Amanda learned to put much excitement and animation in her reading and she never lost it.  Listening to her was extremely entertaining as she emphasized and expressed her emotions while she read.  Another joyfully heartbreaking memory and one I wouldn't trade for anything.

If I ever get the opportunity to actually publish a book, I think I will include this and make her my co-author.  While it is a short story, I love that it is a view of her experience with cancer from her vantage point.   This is a true treasure beyond worth.  I've been saving sharing it for a special day.

Today is Amanda's birthday.  She would be turning 12.  My focus today will be to cherish who she was and to celebrate who she is.  Cake, balloons and presents are out-done by the glory she is walking in today.   But I would still give anything to have her here, celebrating with her and watching her grow up. 

We will follow her instructions and have a cake with her picture on it today.  Tonight we will have her favorite meal, a tradition in our family. 

And today, with tears and laughter, we will celebrate.

The first ride ride home from the hospital.

The sign made by her classmates

Her first night in her own bed.

Celebrating her 10th birthday.  The last one we would celebrate together here on earth.

September 9, 2013.  She started cycle three of chemo on birthday.

Always her birthday cake of choice - cookie cake!

Last year, Grace Academy dedicated this bench with the beautiful red crepe myrtles at our campus on her birthday.

My selfish post.....

Today is a completely selfish post.  Amanda's birthday is this coming Wednesday.  There are no words for the emotions that brings to the surface, so I'm taking a walk down memory lane....

Every night, Amanda liked to go to sleep to music.  So after she came home from the hospital we made a special CD with songs that spoke of God's love and power, of His comfort and peace, and songs that Amanda had picked out that were her current favorites at the time.

Shortly after Amanda's diagnosis, surgery, prognosis and treatment plan, we took a road trip to San Antonio to pick up what would become a blessing of fur.  At this point, we honestly were not sure if treatment would be effective nor how much time we had with Amanda.

As we made the drive, we were listening to the newest CD we had made.  One of those songs Amanda had picked to be on it was "Like My Mother Does" by Lauren Alaina from American Idol.  Amanda had been listening and singing that song for some time.  Being close to my mom, I always enjoyed hearing it as well.  I'll admit, I liked hearing Amanda sing it as well.

At one point during the drive there, that song came on.  Thankfully Amanda was sitting behind me and couldn't see me.  Generally, when Amanda rode in a car, she liked to look out the window.  Sometimes she was very talkative, but mostly she was quiet; unless a song came on she liked. Then she would sing.

As Amanda sat behind me and sang, "Like My Mother Does," I lost it.  Sobbing without letting Amanda knowing was beyond a challenge.  Tom reached over and held my hand as the tears rolled and my chest heaved.  I remember thinking, "How in the world am I going to survive this? I don't know how to live without her."  And in true Tom fashion, his quiet calmness and strength helped calm me down as I listened to my sweet daughter sing.  This is as clear in my mind as if it were yesterday - the pain, the sadness, the hurt of the unknown of what we were facing and the feeling of helplessness swirling inside me.  Then, almost like a fog settling over all those emotions, the beautiful truth and reminder that God was still in control of everything slowly enveloped me.  Honestly, that knowledge didn't ease the pain, but it was the foundation that would remain firm.  It was that foundation we would stand on over the next 17 months as our family was blessed with more time with Amanda.

So, like I said, today is my selfish post; another video of walking down memory lane with pictures and a song.

And I can still her singing.....

Like My Mother Does (click on title for video)

Amanda and that blessing of fur we picked up that day.

My how they both changed during that 17 months.

Only in my dreams.....

Here we are, already in week two of the school year, and still I am struggling with the absence of my girl. She would have started 6th grade. 

Yesterday, I went to work late, so I slept in a little late. As I heard Tom and Brandon in the kitchen, it reminded me of all those mornings that Amanda and I stayed in bed while they got ready for the day. I would try to get up and leave the room, and Amanda would wrap those long legs around me and hug me saying, "Don't go.  Stay a little longer."  And I would. And as I would lay next to her, I'd watch her sleep and hold her close.  I am incredibly thankful that I purposely cherished those moments wth her. 

This morning I dreamed of Amanda. I dreamed we were in our bed on our sides just looking at each other.  Amanda said, "I see you. I see you when you wave at me."  And we smiled.

I didn't want to wake up.  

As I shared that with a dear friend this morning at the office, through tears I pointed out that Amanda would be turning 12 next week.  She tearfully reminded me that she is eternal, which is much better than 12. The truth of that statement made the tears flow even more.  The truth is so much better than the pain; but the truth doesn't make it easier. I want her to be 12, but God meant for her to be eternal. 

Last week at the office I had a beautiful drawing of Amanda a friend drew for us. As I was walking out of the office with it, two young grammar girls were walking out at the same time. One asked me if it was Amanda. I said it was. The other one asked if I was her mom. I said I was. She then looked at me and said, "I feel bad for you."  Oh the honesty from a young child. I found that to be sweet and honest from a young heart. While it was painful, I loved that in her own way, she shared with me that she hurt for us. 

That pretty much sums up working at Grace. Day in and day out, the love and support outweighs the painful reminders and rawness of being there. 

This is the beautiful layout from our 2014-2015 Grace Academy yearbook. I'll share the article in an upcoming post. 

Life goes on. There are those days where I feel I am stuck in the quicksand of grief, yet others are quickly passing me by and at times don't even realize it. Thankfully, I have days where my smile is genuine and my joy is deep. That is only possible because of my faith and knowing that God is in control. 

It seems that at least once a week, I find my self at a crossroad. Do I continue blogging? What does God have in store for our family now? What am I supposed to be doing? More importantly, am I in His will? 

Because that's the only place I want to be. 

Romans 8:37-39

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Amanda and I took trapeze lessons the Christmas before she was diagnosed. We went with our friends Lacy and Ashton Murphy. I think Ashton did an amazing job at capturing the moment well.