Tomorrow we start cycle ten. We will also see the results from last week's MRI. This has been one of those weeks where I put the thought of "waiting" on the back burner and did my best not to think about scan results or chemo. Yet as the weekend came and went, and then this morning - I am just ready for tomorrow to be here and done.
This morning, Dr. Harrod called the house, and I have to admit, my pulse started racing when I heard her voice. No news is good news, so for her to personally call the house, well, let's just say I immediately thought there was bad news. Then she said that she wanted to increase Amanda's chemo dose and I started shaking. Without hesitation she went on to say that Amanda's counts have been so good, she has grown and seems to be tolerating the medication well, so she wants to try to maximize the dose. I quickly asked how the tumor looked and she said the scans looked good. (Huge sigh of relief!) Dr. Harrod said we would discuss the plan in more detail tomorrow and look at the scans, but she just needed to make sure we had the medication on hand to start the increased dose or if she needed to write us a prescription. (That made me giggle on the inside - I mean, doesn't everyone have additional chemotherapy medication on hand?) Thankfully, we already have what we need for the new dose. And that was the extent of the phone call. I hung up the phone and it took me almost half an hour for the adrenaline to completely fade and my nerves to calm.
As I washed dishes after the phone call, I was surprised at how much the call rattled me. Despite the great report last time, there is always the slight apprehension of what the scans could show, but deep down I have a peace about them and was looking forward to reviewing them with our team tomorrow. So as I stood at the sink, I struggled with frustration at myself and tried to "be still" to calm my chaotic spirit and remember that even if the call had been bad news, God was still in control. I don't want to live in fear of a phone call. I want us to thrive in each day.
A couple of Sunday nights ago, we sang a song called "This is Amazing Grace" at church. The song was familiar to me, but after that night, it seemed that every time I turned on the radio that song was on. It didn't matter if it was Pandora or the radio, I heard it numerous times each day. It became that reminder to me that we live each day in His grace alone. The line, "Who brings our chaos, back into order" has especially been powerful for me. A constant for me this past year has been the struggle for control, or the lack thereof, so it hits close to home for me to be reminded of who is really in control. (see previous paragraph to prove my point!)
Please pray for us this week. Pray for tomorrow as Amanda starts chemo. It will be her long day in the infusion room and the high dose of Benedryl always does a number on her, so prayers for a smooth infusion are appreciated. She will start her chemo medication tomorrow night at home. It should be a ten percent increase in her daily dose, so this whole cycle could be physically more challenging for her. She is so sensitive to medications. And finally, please pray that as Amanda gets nearer to the end of her treatment, that she will continue to press on and finish strong and courageous.
Psalm 90:14
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
This is Amazing Grace
Who breaks the power of sin and darkness
Whose love is mighty and so much stronger
The King of glory, the King above all Kings
Who shakes the whole earth with holy thunder
Leaves us breathless in awe and wonder
The King of glory, the King above all Kings
This is amazing grace
This is unfailing love
That You would take my place
That You would bear my cross
You laid down Your life
That I would be set free
Jesus I sing for all that You've done for me
Who brings our chaos back into order
Who makes the orphan a son and daughter
The King of glory, the King of glory
Who rules the nations with truth and justice
Shines like the sun in all of its brilliance
The king of glory, the King above all Kings
Worthy is the lamb who was slain
Worthy is the King who conquered the grave
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