Our day, Wednesday

It was quiet apparent first thing this morning that Amanda woke up feeling much better today than she felt yesterday.  She is still a physically weak, but her spirits are high and her attitude is good.  Perhaps for her it had to do with it being Wednesday and Daddy was home today!  She has been looking forward to Thomas going to ROCK for her lesson for weeks now, and despite the coolness and the rain, she is super excited.

This morning was very productive school-wise.  We knocked out a math lesson and a Shurley lesson, much to my delight and surprise.  I am still taking it day by day and still feel like I am stumbling my way through the dark, but have a better perspective on the entire situation.

Finally, it was time for us to head to ROCK.  As I mentioned, she has been waiting for weeks to ride the Wild Mustang, Freedom, so that Thomas could be there.  Well, Freedom is not wild anymore, but once upon a time.....

While doing this, they were stopping the horse at random times, and then starting back up again.  Great core work!

She can do it with her eyes closed.

This was a new one, and difficult to boot!

Tossing it back and forth while riding backwards on the horse...just another day at ROCK.  ;)

Here she goes again, up on her knees to ride.

They rode this way half-way across the arena.  Amanda's legs were exhausted!

Amanda is talking to her side-walker, the amazing Kristin.  Kristin is a therapeutic riding instructor at ROCK and a pediatric nurse.  She is a great member to have on our team!

They were trotting!

Bad lighting, but great picture of her smiling as she trots by...

She looks like it was a successful day!

I think today was all that she hoped it would be. I was a little worried she might be disappointed after looking forward to it for so many weeks, but she left the lesson on cloud nine and really enjoyed riding Freedom.  Perhaps she has found the horse for her?

Now that we are through with the chemo portion of cycle four, I can take a deep breath.  Considering I am not the one currently under treatment, this next statement may come out sounding a little strange, perhaps even selfish, but every round of chemo gets a little harder for me both emotionally and physically.  During her week of chemo, I don't sleep as well and my emotions go into overdrive mommy-mode.  I don't feel like I am worrying more or am more anxious, it is just a difficult process.  

Nights are usually the hardest.  The other night, the boys were gone, Amanda had finally fallen asleep and I lay there in the dark next to her with my mind replaying moments from these past seven months.  There are some wonderful, amazing memories and there are some rock bottom, heartbreaking moments.  The memories were just rolling over me in the dark.  No one ever expects to be told one day your child has a brain tumor - there is simply no way to prepare yourself for that kind of news.  So as I lay there, I started thinking back to the days "before." As you know, I love pictures, so some that came to mind were snapshots I have taken - like the one of newborn Amanda in her carrier sitting behind me on the floor while I played the piano at Lawler or Brandon and his first day at home from the hospital.  Recalling favorite memories from fishing and hunting to memories of being a stay at home mom - on and on it went, but they all led to where we are today.  You hear people say how your life story prepares you for a task.  I saw that clearly in my job at Grace, how God used different seasons throughout my life to help prepare me for that job.  But this, well, how do you possibly prepare yourself for something like this?

So here I sit, as a mom, seven months after Amanda's diagnosis, I find myself still processing where we are.  Sometimes, it feels like I start over every day with that process.  Other times, I sail smoothly along, confident in the path that lies before us even without knowing what lies ahead.   But throughout all of this, there is one thing that never changes.  In fact, there is one thing that has prepared me for something like this, the only thing that could prepare me for something like this - and that is my relationship with Christ.  James 4:6 says, "He gives greater grace."  Amen.  Every day, without His grace, I would simply fail.   It is through Him that I find the strength, the joy and the hope to start each day fresh.

James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”