Sometimes, I don't know what to say.....

I haven't posted in a few days because honestly, I don't know what to say.  Surprising, isn't it?

First off, Amanda is doing well. She is getting up and going outside, we are running errands - overall she is still doing great.  While she has the signs of chemo hangover, such as getting tired easy and needing to rest, they are nothing extreme at this point.  Her lesson at ROCK didn't work out for today, so we are going to a math lesson and then swim!

From the time we started this blog last February, I have tried to be as transparent and honest as I could.  So it feels weird that I am having such a hard time putting my thoughts down.....I almost feel like I am saying the same things over and over, but in all honesty, it takes those same things being said over and over for me to keep my focus where it should be.  It has been thirteen months since cancer turned our world upside down.  Many of you have been with us from that first day and every day I am still amazed that people are following our story. 

God never makes mistakes, of that I am sure.  So I have often wondered, "What is my place in this?  What does God want me to do during this time and what do I need to learn from this?"  I have felt very strongly that the answer to that is for me to share with you, as honestly as I can, what it is like as a Christian parent to walk this heartbreaking yet joy-filled journey.  Yes, it has been both of those emotions and so many more.

Here comes that raw honesty that is often hard to share: for me, this has been a week of tears.  Tears in the closet, tears in the car on my way home from the store, tears in the laundry room, tears while watching Amanda sleeping at night and while at the same time, my whole being has been crying out to God for peace in this storm.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, the emotional roller coaster is draining.  It's no surprise that at times I wonder how I will have the energy to face another day. That is why Lamentations, chapter three, verses twenty two through twenty six have often been my go-to verses and so comforting for me.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

And yet, it is at those moments, when I feel I am at my absolute end, that I once again come face to face with my Maker.  I am reminded who HE is and that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  (Romans 8:28)

I came across this on Twitter by David Platt:
"Let us be done with our dependence on our human ability and plead with God to do what only he can do."

In reality, right now, nothing in our life changed because of this last MRI and it's results.  It was, however, that silly MRI that has thrown me for such a loop.  As I was told and encouraged, "It's just a distraction.  Look at Amanda and see how amazing she is doing! That is what matters!"  Truth.

Here is another painful admission:  I think it was because I simply had allowed myself to go to a place that I should have known better to go to.  I had already checked cancer off my "to-do" list for the time being and had mentally moved on.  So perhaps I needed this reminder to keep me on my knees lest I forget how far Amanda has come in the last thirteen months and yet also how far we may have yet to go.  As for today, it is with great joy that we can still say no active tumor.  Praise God!

I realize I may not be making any sense, and I apologize.  These are just the ramblings of a mother.....I need to break down the mental and emotional complications I often create (oh, please tell me I'm not the only one that does this!) and remember the simple faith that got me through these past thirteen months.   Trust.  Faith.  Hope.  Living one day at a time.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Tom brought this song to my attention a few months ago.   If I have already shared it, I'm sorry, it just seems to fit today's post.

I Am by Crowder

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't find peace
There's no end to amazing grace

Take me in with Your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go
Never leave my side

I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am

Love like this
Oh my God to find
I am overwhelmed
With a joy divine
Love like this sets our hearts on fire

This is my resurrection song
This is my hallelujah come
This is why it's to You I run

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't find peace
There's no end to amazing grace
-
Last night, Amanda raced in and asked me to quickly come outside.  The sky!  It was so beautiful that she wanted me to see it.  Then she grabbed my phone and took this picture:

And that pretty much sums up how simple we should live each day.  Stay focused on the beauty of life around us, remember the things that are truly important and at the end of the day, we should stand in awe and thankfulness for the day behind us and each blessing from God.

Please keep praying for healing in Amanda.  Her will is strong and her attitude is amazing.  Pray that as we wait for the next MRI, we will do so with faith, trust and peace.  Most of all, please pray that there will be no change at the next scans and we can officially end her chemotherapy treatment in June with the joy of "No active tumor present."  

Have a blessed weekend.