It started Sunday night when Amanda said her left hand felt hard to close. With that being the side of her body that her symptoms presented themselves on last year, it was an immediate concern for me. Talk about your heart stopping - my first thought was that we would be going to Dell for an MRI. She told me this during church so I was really unable to do anything about it for the next two hours. Those were two agonizing hours, filled with prayer and pleading for strength. Once we had the chance to talk to her in private, she said that she thought it was maybe because she hadn't been using her arm and hand as much. If that was supposed to make me feel better, it didn't. Since it was late that evening, we calmly told her to let us know how it was doing in the morning. (Like, "Oh, okay, well, just keep us posted" was what came out of my mouth but my heart was shouting "QUICK! Air support immediately to Dell!! Let's check this out - STAT! Clear the MRI schedule, we are on our way!!" ....and that is why I am not in the medical field - calm and cool is NOT who I am.)
In regard to the left hand issue, we remembered that on Saturday, Amanda had shot her bow and things started make a little more sense. Her left shoulder was hurting her on Monday and that too could be explained by her using her left arm to hold the bow while she shot. So, taking a deep calming breath, I just checked those off as sore muscles from being used in a new way. Check, check - move on. From that point, however, it seemed that the rest of the week went about the same. The back of her knees hurt, weird pains in her neck, her left arm bothering her, headaches......every little symptom made me pause and wonder what was causing them. So hard. These symptoms come and go, with no rhyme or reason, so we just watch and pray, taking it day by day, moment by moment. Amanda certainly isn't worried about them - bothered, yes, but not worried. I need to take lessons from her sometimes. I know that this week is probably no different than weeks past and that she is not doing anything she hasn't done every week since we started with pains here and there, on and off. I think we are a little sensitive right now, watching for symptoms that could mean there is a change. I am finding it hard to get back to some sense of normal. (Is there even such a thing as normal?!)
On top of all that, it seems that her counts are dropping more than usual. (Which we knew was a possibility since her chemo dose was increased.) She has been extremely tired and at times a little short of breath. Nothing major like in the beginning, just enough for us to notice it. A few times I had even considered taking her on down to Dell to have her labs done to make sure everything was good. Tom's calm head prevailed and we have been keeping an eye on her while helping her pace herself. Her color is still good and she is not showing too much bruising or petechiae, which are all signs of a low platelet count. She just feels yucky all over and hasn't had energy to do much, and when she does do something, it simply wipes her out.
As we have learned, watching how her body is handling the
medication and the ability to stay flexible is still proving to be a necessity. I must admit though, this whole "ability
to have flexibility" continues to be very exhausting for me.
All that said, in reality, she is doing great. I know that these times are hard, and she is weak, but my goodness - she is here, she still has her positive attitude, she is eating good and she is still our sweet girl. We have so much to be thankful for.
We are not scheduled to see Dr. Harrod until Friday. On Friday, if her counts are good, Amanda will start her eleventh chemo cycle. Two more to go.
Because of all the ups and downs of this week, I am so thankful for the hope and strength I find in Christ. I am constantly going back to the fact that God's grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in weakness. And boy, am I grateful for that! I know that I shouldn't allow myself to become distracted or try to fight what I cannot control, even though I often do. God is in control and he can use every detail of every day for his glory.
He is faithful. He is merciful. His grace is enough. His mercies are new each morning.
And with every breath, every fiber of my being, I continue to
ask God for the desire of my heart.
Jeremiah 32:17
Ah, Sovereign Lord, you
have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm.
Nothing is too hard for you.
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