Team Watson: Friday moves closer, and Amanda seems to be bouncing back slowly...

Yesterday, it seemed that Amanda finally turned a corner. Up until then, she has continued to be extremely weak and felt bad all over, with the occasional headache. So when she woke up feeling better and seemed to have a little more spunk, I was so thankful.

With it being Tuesday, she wanted to go to ROCK for her lesson. The lesson was very easy-going and calm for her, but she still was ready to call it a day after 30 minutes. By the time we made it to the car, she was feeling pretty miserable and ready to come home and go to bed. After resting for a few hours, she was feeling better. She felt good enough for a ride out to Uncle Powell's to see Georgie. How that girl loves horses.

I finally completed and ordered our photo book from our Montana trip. How fun it is to look back at all the adventures we had! What really blows my mind is that May is upon us. It does not feel like that trip was four months ago.   Time is a funny thing.

Personally, I have been in somewhat of a slump lately. Well, I don't know if slump is the right word, but I have been feeling a little adrift in my storm of emotions. It's hard to see Amanda feeling like she has when she has been doing so well. The mental battle that is waged daily is exhausting and frustrating. The questions of symptoms being due to an increased chemo or to "the change" is at times overwhelming.

As I went to bed last night, late from trying to get Amanda to sleep, I wondered how on earth I used to write a post daily, in the evening. I would sometimes stay up to midnight working on a post. These days, I don't think I would be able to function if I kept that schedule. I am not sure how I did it then!

I was telling a friend yesterday that I haven't written as often because I worry about saying the same things over and over again. As I later looked back on that conversation, and thought about what she said, it dawned on me that of course there will be things that are said over and over. Our journey right now is constant, it is unchanging as far as our bottom line and what we are fighting against. I'm okay with repeating myself at times. Especially when it comes to how I am coping day by day. Because, you see, every day, as I look at her beautiful smile and see her eyes light up as she talks, or when they fill with tears because she is upset or mad - it is during those times that I cling to the moment and my prayers don't change. I still pray that God will carry her through this time and heal her so that we might share of his mercies and give all glory to Him for years to come.   I pray that she will be a walking testimony of his greatness. I love the thought of beating something that medically doesn't make sense, because to us - it will. Our God is big enough. And yet, in the next instant I also know that His will and plan for her life may not be what I want it to be. So I lean into his grace as far as possible and just trust him, each day. And I go through that same sequence daily - sometimes many, many times!

My life right now seems very small. I feel like we are in a bubble, going through the same routine and in a weird way there is security in that. We are actively doing something to fight this disease. It is the months ahead that I cannot bear to think about. I have been here before and am back to feeling like a part of me is holding my breath, waiting for the next 'something'....this week, it has been waiting for Friday to see what her counts are and if she is able to start chemo.   The MRI is always at the back of my mind, wanting to see if this increased dose has made a difference, to see if that area we are watching has changed any to give us clarity on what we are looking at. (Especially since they are not sure what it even is! *Sigh*) I pray that we keep the report of "no active tumor." While I may plan things for next month, or the next - it still seems that for me, life doesn't exist beyond this day.

So what's a mom to do? Cherish each day with my family. Love each other through all things. Make wonderful memories, full of laughter and tears. And each day, live to glorify God in all that we do.

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose.