Three weeks today.....

Amanda has been gone three weeks today.  Just typing that brings the tears and makes the future feel so incredibly painful.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was my first day that Tom worked and Brandon was in school.  After the day I had on Monday, I was a little apprehensive.

Brandon and I, along with Bo and Ginger, drove to school....I dropped him off and as I was leaving campus, a song came on the radio.  A song called "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.  The song goes like this:

"Worn"  (click on the title to hear the song on YouTube)

I’m tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

As I drove home, alone, facing yet another first, the song washed over me, almost like a personal prayer to God.  I will admit that I find myself very consciously living in the moment.  Anything else is simply too painful and exhausting.  As the day went on, I stayed busy, running errands with my mom and for the most part, it was an easier day than Monday was.  We still shed tears and shared memories, but there hasn't been a day that has gone by since Amanda has passed that I haven't done that.....and done it often.

One of our stops was to Dell to return the banner with Amanda's picture on it that we borrowed for her memorial service.  I had the opportunity to once again give a quick hug to Dr. George and Dr. Harrod.  I am surprised at how much I realized that I will miss seeing those wonderful people.  They were such a huge part of our family for the past year and a half, and always will be.  Not making that trip and seeing them on a regular basis is just another example of how my world continues to feel turned upside down.  I imagine we will return to see them on occasion, just to see their sweet faces and hug their necks. 

The day ended picking up Brandon from football and having dinner with my mom and dad.  From there, Brandon and I experienced another first - the two of us going to see Tom at the station and wrapping up a school night alone.  I am incredibly grateful that I have Tom and Brandon to focus on.

Life is painful and different, but it is still marching on and we have no choice but to be drug along with it while we try to find our footing in each new day. 

I've been asked if I think I will ever be truly happy again.  I answered quickly "Yes, but there will always be a part of me missing."  I have the joy of knowing that I will see Amanda again.  It is learning to live without her here, with me, that is the challenge.  And I never realized how difficult this would be.  I thought I had been preparing myself for when this day came, but I was wrong.  Nothing can prepare you for this.

I can't imagine waking up and facing each new day without knowing that I have a sovereign God who is already going before me before I even step out of bed.....His mercies are new and big and deeper than I ever imagined.

While today has been another emotional day for me, Thomas and I had the privilege of visiting Amanda's class today to visit for a short while. First, let me just say that God is good and he carried me through that time with composure and what I hope was evident love for those students.  Being able to stand before them as Tom thanked them for their friendship, encouragement and how they always welcomed Amanda when she visited the class during the last year and half was such a blessing to us.  Amanda loved her school.  She loved her friends.  We reminded them that we will always be Amanda's parents and they, as a class, will always have a special place in our hearts and encouraged them to always feel free to talk to us and share stories about Amanda that they remember whenever they see us.  We look forward to watching them grow and achieve all that they have before them.  We also spoke of Amanda's upcoming birthday and how we would bring a cookie cake, just like we have every year since kindergarten and celebrate that day together.   Our time ended with me telling them how we are walking this hard path.  I told them for me it is with many tears because I miss her, but we know she is in heaven.  I also talk to God a lot - and I encouraged them to do the same thing when they thought of Amanda and found themselves missing her.  They need to share that with God and rely on His strength.  How precious it is that Grace Academy is in our lives during this most difficult time to support and encourage us?  We are so blessed.

I've often mentioned "leaning" into God's grace -well these days, I find that it more like I simply dive in head first.....

Isaiah 58:11

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched place and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.