The start of a new chapter for me....

Tonight, I am tired - both emotionally and physically worn out.  I am having trouble putting my thoughts down tonight, but feel compelled to share these past few days. 

As I continue to stumble my way down this path called grief, I am amazed at the depth of grief that can hit you one day, and then find that you feel like a normal human being the next. You can laugh, be joyful, not just happy and then all of the sudden, remember you are missing a part of you.  Not to mention the fact of how grief can sneak up on you like it does.  It can simply come out of nowhere.  Seriously.  No triggers needed!!  It doesn't play fair at all.  Just saying.

Saturday I spent the day with my mom and sisters, then Melinda, Joanna and I met up with our cousins for a fun night of painting!  I love my painting.  We added birds.  The red bird represents Amanda, and the three little yellow birds represent Tom, Brandon and I.  We will always be a family of four and I love finding ways to express that.  I also won a picture because I had the most likes on Facebook about my post for the evening. It was a wonderful evening full of laughter and tears that only family can really understand. 

Sunday and Monday were very hard. Monday was rock bottom, heart breaking hard.  Monday was a day that I never thought would end.  Possibly one of my hardest days in a long while.  I cried more tears than I thought was physically possible.  I hurt more than I thought was possible and it lasted all day.  And yet, yesterday and today were good days.  Can you say 'roller coaster?'  However, making it through those incredibly rough days and having them followed by good days gives me hope for tomorrow.  Those hard days are going to be there, and there will be nothing I can do to stop them, but I like the reassurance of knowing even when I am at rock bottom, I won't stay on the bottom forever. 

Romans 5:3-4
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.

I've spoken about looking for the joy in the storm, and how that is not always easy, but it is a necessity.  I continue to be touched, and more often than not, moved to tears by the stories shared with us about how Amanda's life has touched people.  I see that as God's way of helping mend the brokenness caused by Amanda's absence.  Please keep sharing.

Finding my footing right now is incredibly challenging.  Imagine walking in a tennis shoe and a stiletto heel....at the same time.  Life feels "off" and no matter what we try to do, it will never be normal again.  As I have been rolling that thought around in my mind - I realized that the reality of normal as we knew it forever changed on February 27, 2013.  Everything after that was grace.  Eighteen months of grace.  Eighteen months of His mercies and blessings poured over our family as we worked hard to cherish and soak up memories with Amanda while standing strong in our faith, even in the darkest times.  There is no such thing as normal anymore.

Isaiah 43:1-3
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Today I started a new chapter by going back to work part time.  I returned to the Administration
Office at Grace Academy and while I am in a slightly different position, I am surrounded by people who not only love me, but who loved my girl as well.   Though this may be a very challenging time for all of us in the office as I continue to walk through my grief, I do believe it will be a beautiful part of the healing process for me.  What a blessing from God to have been given this opportunity.  Even with my doubts and concerns about tearful days and messy breakdowns, (Hello Monday!) I honestly look forward to the days ahead of settling back into the office.  

I would appreciate prayers for me as I take this giant step out of my comfort zone.  Please pray for Tom and Brandon as they adjust to me going back to work, even though it is only part time. (To clarify though, Brandon is thrilled to have Mom back on campus!)  I came home today at lunch and was completely wiped out from working so I took a nap.  I see a lot of those in my future....

Hebrews 10:35-36

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

We are reaching that point - well, let me correct that so I don't speak for Tom and Brandon, I am reaching that point where the numbness has worn off, the shock has worn off and the harsh reality of our loss is almost constantly staring me right in the face.  My emotions are so incredibly complex that they wear me out.  I mean, looking at pictures can go from being a sweet moment to an overwhelmingly painful ache in the blink of an eye.  I can look at something or remember a conversation and it can make me laugh out loud or burst into tears.  What an incredible journey this thing called grief is.

What is someone supposed to do with that kind of challenge?  How do you continue to cope, day in and day out?!  I don't know about other people - but for me, you guessed it - I cry out in desperation from the very core of my being in prayer, and often it goes something like this: 

"Dear God, increase my faith! Let me see your joy and hold on to the blessing I have from Amanda's beautiful life.  Give me peace knowing she is with you.  Thank you for giving her to us for almost eleven years and let us continue to live for your glory until you call us home. Come soon, Lord Jesus."   

And while that is sometimes a very hard prayer to pray, there is no other way to survive this new life we find ourselves in. 

Isaiah 54:10

For the mountains may depart

    and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
    and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

So here I go. I'm taking a new step, slowly moving forward bit by bit.  Amanda would be happy and proud of me to be back at Grace.  After all, that had been our plan all along; mom being back at the school this fall.  The heartbreaking part is that she was supposed to be there with me..... and yes, I'll always have her with me, but you know what I mean....it's just not the same without her.

Still, I will look to find joy in each day. 

After all, how could I not have joy working with a group that welcomes me back this way:

A little happy waiting for me when I arrived this morning!

These two gifts are in case I feel the need to be "incognito" at any point......yep - those are going to be really helpful....thanks ladies.

Last but not least, a sweet poem, complete with treats. (In case you didn't notice, the poem had a blue theme that's hard to beat!) I must admit, my favorite gifts of the morning were the Starbucks Toffee Nut syrup and Starbucks k-cups!  They know how I love my coffee.