Looking back just one year.....

From a year ago, September 9:

Cycle three has begun!

Today, our girl turned 10.  Thank you for all the birthday wishes posted on FB.  I read them to her throughout the day.  You would think that starting chemo on her birthday might ruin her day, but it didn't seem to dampen her joy today at all.  At Dr. Harrod's office, they had a cake, sang Happy Birthday to her and gave her a bag of presents.  For a girl that doesn't like to be the center of attention, I think she really enjoyed today!

The last few days have been challenging for me and have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Just that short delay in starting chemo threw me for a loop.  Losing Grampy hit me hard.  And now today, her 10th birthday?!  I wanted to just whisk her away and run away from it all, but in the real world, we had an appointment to go to.   I wasn't sure how I was going to feel today with the fact that we are celebrating her birthday and yet spending it at the oncologist's office starting chemotherapy.  Today wasn't as difficult as I thought it might be, but it was still pretty surreal.

So as I get ready to turn in for the night, I will focus on being thankful that we had today to celebrate.  I will pray that Amanda continues to be the child that doesn't fit into any of the doctor's protocols.  For some reason, that is a comfort to me and reminds me that God is the one in control of Amanda's life.  And I will continue to pray for a miracle.

1 Chronicles 16:34

 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!
 ~

What a difference a year makes.  I don't know how many times I have said the words, "I would do it all over again in a heartbeat."  That's true, I would.  But would I want Amanda to endure that again?  Would I want her to go through the surgery, radiation and treatments?  No, no I wouldn't.  I just want my girl back.  But where she is now is so much better than this sinful, wretched world we live in.  So instead of wishing for the past, I want to start training my mind to instead remember our moments together.  From the big moments, like her tenth birthday, all the way down to the little moments, like her bedtime conversations and falling asleep next to me. 

I have spent the last few days going back over pictures and videos.  Just hearing her laughter, her sweet voice and seeing those amazing facial expressions again makes me yearn for what I can't have, yet at the same time, incredibly thankful that she was a part of our life.  

Psalm 121:1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

She made our lives better.  She was created for this journey.  Before God knit her together in my womb, this was His plan for her life, her purpose here on earth.  And now it is up to us to carry her legacy on and share it with whomever we come in contact with.  Her faith was in the one true God and it was real. 

So while we mourn and grieve for her presence here, I will cherish those precious memories we have of her.  Yes, there are days that it is absolutely heartbreaking....but I am incredibly grateful that we were blessed to have gone on that journey with her than to have never had her at all.

Psalm 139:1-18

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. 

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence. If I ascend to heaven, you are there. If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!  If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. 

For you formed my inward parts you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!  If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

September 9, 2013