I prefer the numbness, thank you very much....

I like numb.  The numbness that just envelops your whole body and mind.  We passed the four week mark yesterday and at times, it still doesn't seem real.  And yes, I have said that before, and I will probably be saying for the next ten years....it doesn't seem real that Amanda is gone.

I think one of the hardest things is the range of emotions that I experience in a single day.  I go from thinking, "Okay, I've got this. God is in control and I trust His plans.....I wonder what His plans are for our family now?"  to literally, in the next breath, pure panic.  "There is no way this is real.  She can't be gone.  It's just not possible.  How in the world am I going to live without her?"  (And by "live" I literally mean the day in and day out living that we do....get up, fix breakfast, go to school, go on vacations - live.)

I'm honestly not sure how one survives this way.....but I'm learning.  They say that with each day that passes, it will get easier, but I know that is not true.  As I look at the calendar and what we have coming in the days and months ahead of us, all I can see is more pain and heartbreak as we walk through celebrations and holidays without her.  That's what stinks.  This numbness isn't going to last forever.  The harsh reality will continue to break through, and I know that there is still much pain to walk through before it starts to get better.

Depressing, isn't it?  It could be, but that is where the hope of my salvation comes in and the strength we find in God. More on that in a minute.....

Yesterday, I had the privilege to have a little get away and experience something new with a sweet sister in Christ who understands my journey very well.  I went paddle boarding.  I love the water and her company, so I figured even if I completely stunk at it, it would still be an enjoyable day.  Lucky for me, I enjoyed the water and the experience.  In the middle of my desert, where at times I feel there is no relief in sight, today was an oasis.  Amanda's birthday is next week and it is weighing heavily on my heart.  Amanda and I talked about her birthday often during her last days.  Yesterday gave me a chance to completely get out of my "circumstances" while still allowing me to talk and think about Amanda.....and that was a true gift.

Those boards are very large and difficult to tip....thankfully.  And no, I did not fall off!

What a beautiful day.

It rained on us!!  That was pretty awesome.

So here is the deal, where the rubber meets the road, if you will.  Just because my circumstances have changed, and I feel that is putting it mildly, God's character has not, nor ever will, change.

Hebrews 13:8

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Over the past eighteen months, I learned to daily depend upon His strength while we faced the unknown.  We were in battle, yet He was faithful.  I didn't know how to face some days, yet His mercies were enough.  He answered prayers and blessed our family in more ways than I can wrap my mind around.  Those are things I can look back and truly see.  I know those things to be true. 

There is no reason for me to think any differently now, even though the battle feels as if it has gotten much harder, uglier and very personal.  We still serve a mighty God.  We are still surrounded by mighty prayer warriors and we are supported by the body of Christ.

Best of all, in all my messiness and brokenness, He still gives me the strength and mercies for each day.

And, for now, he has given me the gift of numbness......

Ephesians 6:10-20

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.