No regrets

No regrets.  I can honestly look back at the past two years and say that I have no regrets....save one.  I regret that we didn't take more video.  I took a ton of pictures, and I am very glad I did - but there is nothing like seeing those face expressions, hearing Amanda's laugh, her voice and just "seeing" her again. 

Even with that, I am still so thankful that I have that ability to say 'no regrets.'  We understood the reality of the situation and took full advantage of the time we had with Amanda. We are pleased with all the medical teams we worked with and the decisions we made regarding her care.  The house might have been in shambles, but if we were piled up together as a family watching a movie or playing cards, our priorities were right.  I had the privilege of staying home with Amanda and I would spend as much time as possible close to her, I would crawl in bed next to her when she asked, take her to ROCK when she felt like it, we swam as often as she wanted, the list could go on and on.....we cherished and soaked up every moment.  We were incredibly, overwhelming blessed by friends from all over to experience amazing opportunities as a family and to make incredible memories.

How awesome is it to be able to say "no regrets!"  We had ten, almost eleven, wonderful, amazing, adventurous, life-changing years with Amanda.  Our lives, and countless others, will forever be changed by that precious, vibrant, red-haired girl.

I would like to talk a little about grief for a moment.  I want you to know that I am not drowning in grief day in and day out - thank goodness!  There is no rule book for grief, no road map and no "right or wrong" way to grieve.  There is no checklist to accomplish or timeline and then call it done.  A loss as big as a child is gonna have some serious grief to follow and it will last a lifetime.  The pure randomness of the "triggers" that bring on the tidal wave of grief is exhausting and you never know where, when or why they will hit. (Think grocery store- seeing her favorite fruit....) The sucker punch of the pain brings on a panic I have never experienced before.

Aren't we glad we serve a God where we are able to find true joy despite the grief that we experience?  There is true joy and hope that is found only in Him.  Because, people, if you haven't realized it yet, life is hard and painful and messy.  As I shared in my last post, there are times that I feel like I am standing in the middle of blackness crying out to God.  And He is powerful enough and loves me enough to shine His joy through even my deepest grief. 

And I am so glad to have His joy.  Joy that will last because it comes from our Heavenly Father.  I know the truth.  I know deep in my heart and in my head that Amanda's life was not only a beautiful gift that we must share, but I know that I will be with her again in eternity. As a Christian, I know that she has simply changed her place of residence and she is waiting for me right now.  But for right now, as I've said before, I am selfish, pure and simple.  I want her here, with me.  I know God gets that.

I also know that God understands when I have those moments where I cry out from the very depths of my soul aching for Him to come drench me in His joy to come because the pain is too much. The pain is just too much to bear.  As the reality continues to slowly sink in that she is gone - really gone forever from this earth, it will take me giving up total surrender to His grace and strength to simply stay upright.  Prayers from my heart that say, "God, I can't do this.  I can't take another breath without it all being you.  I don't know how." and He will be right there to hold me up.

Joy can and does overwhelm my grief just as Jesus overcame the grave.  I want to stand firm on His truths.  My journey ahead is long, the healing process only beginning, but praise God, I don't walk it alone.

I Corinthians 15:55-57
 “Death is swallowed up in victory.” 
“O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

When I worked at Grace, Brandon and Amanda would often come in the office and leave me notes on my desk. Apparently one didn't get packed with my other things when I quit working.  This precious gift was given to me this week.  What a wonderful little message from my sweet girl.  The timing just right, the message, though simple, spoke to my hurting heart.  Our God is good - all the time.