I think one of the hardest things is the range of emotions that I experience in a single day. I go from thinking, "Okay, I've got this. God is in control and I trust His plans.....I wonder what His plans are for our family now?" to literally, in the next breath, pure panic. "There is no way this is real. She can't be gone. It's just not possible. How in the world am I going to live without her?" (And by "live" I literally mean the day in and day out living that we do....get up, fix breakfast, go to school, go on vacations - live.)
I'm honestly not sure how one survives this way.....but I'm learning. They say that with each day that passes, it will get easier, but I know that is not true. As I look at the calendar and what we have coming in the days and months ahead of us, all I can see is more pain and heartbreak as we walk through celebrations and holidays without her. That's what stinks. This numbness isn't going to last forever. The harsh reality will continue to break through, and I know that there is still much pain to walk through before it starts to get better.
Depressing, isn't it? It could be, but that is where the hope of my salvation comes in and the strength we find in God. More on that in a minute.....
Yesterday, I had the privilege to have a little get away and experience something new with a sweet sister in Christ who understands my journey very well. I went paddle boarding. I love the water and her company, so I figured even if I completely stunk at it, it would still be an enjoyable day. Lucky for me, I enjoyed the water and the experience. In the middle of my desert, where at times I feel there is no relief in sight, today was an oasis. Amanda's birthday is next week and it is weighing heavily on my heart. Amanda and I talked about her birthday often during her last days. Yesterday gave me a chance to completely get out of my "circumstances" while still allowing me to talk and think about Amanda.....and that was a true gift.
Those boards are very large and difficult to tip....thankfully. And no, I did not fall off! |
What a beautiful day. |
It rained on us!! That was pretty awesome. |
Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Over the past eighteen months, I learned to daily depend upon His strength while we faced the unknown. We were in battle, yet He was faithful. I didn't know how to face some days, yet His mercies were enough. He answered prayers and blessed our family in more ways than I can wrap my mind around. Those are things I can look back and truly see. I know those things to be true.
There is no reason for me to think any differently now, even though the battle feels as if it has gotten much harder, uglier and very personal. We still serve a mighty God. We are still surrounded by mighty prayer warriors and we are supported by the body of Christ.
Best of all, in all my messiness and brokenness, He still gives me the strength and mercies for each day.
And, for now, he has given me the gift of numbness......
❤️🙏
ReplyDeleteContinuing to keep you and the rest of your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad that you had a reprieve. There's something to be said about being in nature...it renews our spirit.
ReplyDeletecontinuing to lift you all up in prayer. Thank you for sharing your pain and struggles. Do you really know how strong you are? His strength shines through you like a super hero! Amanda was so blessed to have you as her family! She will continue to be blessed by the many ways you honor and remember her...and you too, shall be blessed. My heart is with you. No words can mend your heart, but God will take your pain and it will become rain to seeds already planted. <3
ReplyDelete♡♡♡
ReplyDeleteEveryone say the first is the hardest, the first birthday, the first Christmas, etc. I don't what it is like to lose a child. I hope I never find out. I Never thought about cancer until it hit real close to home. we found out that my husband has cancer he now doing Chemo treatments. We really don't know the out come just yet. I just leave it in God's hand and the wonderful Doctors we have. and pray each day it will get better . I know to lose a child is different than a spouse. I hope I have the strength to go on like you .My family will keep you and you and yours in prayer.
ReplyDelete