Watson Vacation 2015 and how I survived....

Num 13:33 - There we saw the giants

This past week I have faced giants.  For me, the giants represented fear, sadness, grief, pain and loss.

Every summer we have a week long Watson summer vacation with Tom's family.   We used to refer to as our lake trip, however, when Amanda was diagnosed, the Waco Watsons (we refer to each family by the city they live in) graciously opened their home for all 16 of us to come stay there for a week.   And yes, we still enjoy each others company after a week of togetherness!

As we drove to Waco for our yearly Watson summer vacation, I saw giants all around.  Those giants stood before me, beside me and behind me as we made our way there.  I was convinced I would not be able to defeat them as we started our vacation last Friday.

Once we arrived, the giants were still there and I felt defeated.  The giant pain of being there without Amanda was almost more than I could bear.  The giant sadness and grief of her absence was felt with every step, around every corner and in each "thing" we did; fixing a meal, watching the young ones play, holding December baby, playing games, getting the kids ready to swim....it was incredibly hard to go through the motions without thinking that last year she was there.  Last year we made our decisions around how she felt and what she was able to do.  Last year we were laughing and smiling through the fear and worry of the unknown with Amanda, but it was still a wonderful trip.  This year, simply out of habit I found myself looking for her as we went through the days.

So while everyone arrived on Friday and we were starting our first vacation without her, I was overwhelmed by grief.  As the evening wound down, my brother in law Clint had us all gather in the living room.  We started the vacation by singing hymns, one of which was "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms." If you have been following our blog, you know this is the song, that on the day we learned that the tumor was back and we were out of medical options to treat her cancer, Amanda was whistling  "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" as she lay in bed that night.  That song was also sang at her graveside, and then again at the Watson Christmas.   We finished our time of singing with "Count Your Blessings."

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings see what God hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Refrain

That is a beautiful hymn, full of truth.  We then had a time of prayer as a family.  After that, Tom, Brandon and I were surprised by a slideshow that Aunt Jo, AJ and Meredith put together.  Not only was it was a beautiful reminder for me that our sweet Amanda will never be forgotten, but it also showed her incredibly close relationship with her cousins.

Each family continues to keep Amanda in their conversations, have her pictures up and recall fun memories of Amanda and her young cousins.  The sweet gesture of the slideshow absolutely made me lose it.  I pretty much sobbed through the whole slideshow.  It was beautiful. 

Those first two days were extremely painful.  As the week went on, despite painful reminders all around me, I was able to take deep breaths and enjoy our time together.  There were moments of complete brokenness and pain, there were moments of grief overshadowed by the sweetness and innocence of a child, and their were moments of pure joy and happiness.

As we sat there the last morning, simply looking at my nieces and nephews and knowing how much Amanda would have loved the vacation had me battling the tears.  The realization washed over me that most of them will have no memories of Amanda, simply know her from pictures and stories told.  For some reason, that is devastatingly painful.  The two older girl cousins grew up with Amanda and played together for days on end.  I pray they are able to hold on to the real Amanda and their memories with her instead of relying on stories and the memories of others.

Some of Amanda's final instructions she gave us on the day she died:
--Don't forget her or stop talking about her
--To tell her young cousins and  “December baby” about her so they wouldn’t forget her (our sister-in-law is due in December and Amanda called it December baby) (December Baby is now Leah Providence, but on occasion I still lovingly refer to her as December baby.)

Amanda - we are doing our best to follow your instructions well...

Bittersweet.  Pain.  Laughter.  Love.  Grief.  All those emotions rolled into a week of new memories with our family.  We are blessed by our loving and supporting families.

I battled the giants, and I feel like I won.

Watson Family Vacation - 2015

I have many, many more pictures to share of our vacation! I just have to go through all 343 of them.  :)

Num 13:33 - There we saw the giants
Yes, they saw the giants, but Caleb and Joshua saw God! Those who doubt say, “We be not able to go up.” Those who believe say, “Let us go up at once and possess it, for we are well able.”

Giants stand for great difficulties; and giants are stalking everywhere. They are in our families, in our churches, in our social life, in our own hearts; and we must overcome them or they will eat us up, as these men of old said of the giants of Canaan.

Now the fact is, unless we have the overcoming faith we shall be eaten up, consumed by the giants in our path. Let us have the spirit of faith that these men of faith had, and see God, and He will take care of the difficulties. —Selected; Streams in the Desert