What hurt about Father's Day

I mentioned a few posts back that I would try to articulate why Father's Day was so incredibly painful for me.  After all, it was Father's Day - it wasn't about me.  And it wasn't that it was simply another painful first for our family that made it so hard.

I am a daddy's girl.  Always have been.  I would spend every Saturday that I could remember as a child going to Florence with my dad, golfing with my dad, hunting and visiting church members with my dad.  When I was 15 and started playing the piano at Lawler, he was always right across the stage, sitting in his pew, reviewing his notes for his sermon.  We did weddings and funerals together, more than I can count.  And while my dad was my pastor for most of my life, a very sweet and special bond as my father was still the most important relationship we have.  Not only do I love my dad, but I respect, admire him and am proud to be his daughter.

I'll never get tired of seeing this beautiful picture.

This was taken during Revival in 2013.  She was about to start her second chemo cycle, but we made every night of revival.

So as Father's Day grew closer, I thought of how I felt about my father, and then about Thomas.  Looking back on Tom and Amanda's relationship, they had that special bond as well.  I thought about everything that I got to do with my dad and realized that Tom just got to see a glimpse of that with Amanda in her all too short 10 years. My heart was breaking because I knew, as a daughter, all the special and wonderful things he was going to miss out on.

There is just something special about daddies and daughters.  The love and cuddles, giggles and snuggles can't be replaced by any other relationship.  Daddy's have this sort of hero persona in their daughter's eyes.  Daddy's can fix anything. 

And then, as daughters grow up out of that little girl phase and start to mature as Christians, they begin to see how much more our heavenly father loves them.  It always gave me a beautiful image of how much more deep and strong and wide God's love for us is by watching my dad and how much he loved our family. 

As a wife and mom, I am blessed with a husband that is so much like my father.  Tom is an amazing husband and father, so to think of him on his first Father's Day without his little girl was almost more than I could bear. 

I happened to get sick the Saturday before Father's Day with a stomach bug and did not "celebrate" Father's Day with the rest of the family.  Brandon and I gave Tom his gifts the day before.  To be honest, as the boys left to go to Waco to spend the day with the Watson family, I was almost thankful that I could just sleep the day away and to some sense, ignore the day.  I like to look at it as a mode of survival for me on that day.  Strange, I know.

So the comfort of God was the only way to make it through those days and the days after as I still had to process the emotions and grieve the day.

Tom's Father's Day present - this is a huge collage hanging in his home office.  We also bought him new bird feeders for the back yard.  We love watching the birds, just like Amanda did.  Those things that remind us of her are cherished more each day.

Ephesians 3:14-19
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

The reminder of our handsome young man and the role both Tom and I play in his life during this time is top priority, even if at times the grief overshadows our lives.  So as we continue to walk through these painful firsts, the pain and hurt is still there, but we walk on knowing that we can and must rely on the strength and love of our heavenly Father.

Every day is a new challenge.  Every day requires new mercies.  And every day is a chance to honor and glorify God by how we live our lives.  I feel incredibly blessed to have married a man that seeks God's guidance on how to lead both as a husband and a father.  So, late as it may be - Happy Father's Day to an amazing Dad. 

Ephesians 3:20-21
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

2012