Pink, Purple and Baby Blue Roses

I know I am supposed to be sharing photos from our vacation, but with August 6 quickly approaching, I have found myself in somewhat of a state of numbness and disbelief.  As the reality and shock that Amanda has been gone for a year continues to set in, at times I feel like I am going through some of my day in autopilot.  Seems incredibly hard to grasp that is has been a whole year.....feels like so much longer yet at the same time it seems like yesterday.

As you remember, we had the blessing of having time with Amanda the day she died where she told us things she wants us to do as we go through the years ahead without her.  That is both heartbreaking and reassuring at the same time.  Talk about my girl knowing her momma!  Giving me specific instructions and plans to carry out for the many different occasions makes me feel close to her during those times.  It make me feel like she is still here in tangible ways.

Back to her instructions, Amanda asked for pink, purple and baby blue rose petals to be placed on her grave each year on the day she died.  (White roses sprayed blue is the key to baby blue roses.  They actually look pretty!)  Putting flowers at the graves is something we have done for Grammy and Grampy each year so she was familiar to that tradition.

When Tom had the original conversation with Amanda (it had come up before the day she died), Tom suggested that we have the flowers in the house before the actual date so we could enjoy them and think of her every time we saw them. Then we would place the petals on her grave on the day she died. She liked that idea. 

Ordering the flowers, deciding how and what we will do on that day then passing it on to family has been so incredibly hard, however, the details are done and for a short while, gave me something to focus on. We will have a small family service that evening and honor out sweet Amanda's wishes.

I don't want it to be a reality.  I don't want the fact that Amanda has been gone for a year to be true.  I don't want to face the day.  I have a strong case of the "I don't wannas."   Life doesn't give us the choice nor does it care that we don't want to do some things.  Life ruthlessly marches on.

The one thing that I hold on to and that brings me some comfort is how that same morning, during that same conversation, she told us not to cry, that she was going to Heaven.  She was confident, peaceful and she was not afraid. 

So if possible, I will prepare to be ready to face the day with as much courage and strength Amanda showed.  We will choose to celebrate that Amanda has been living in perfection for a year.  She is healed, running freely, singing with the angels and spending her time worshiping the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  

And that is something to celebrate. 

Blessed Assurance - Fanny Crosby

1. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
   Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
   Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
   Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
   • Refrain:
     This is my story, this is my song,
     Praising my Savior all the day long;
     This is my story, this is my song,
     Praising my Savior all the day long.
2. Perfect submission, perfect delight,
   Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
   Angels, descending, bring from above
   Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
3. Perfect submission, all is at rest,
   I in my Savior am happy and blest,
   Watching and waiting, looking above,
   Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.