I have never held back here. I have always been brutally, painfully honest. It is and has been a place of refuge for me to pour out my heart and empty my thoughts and emotions as if I was emptying a bucket of water into the vast ocean. It's simply a small blog, but one that is therapeutic for me as I have walked this long journey.
As we get closer to August 6, the waves of pain keep getting bigger and bigger. The grief as I think about Brandon's first birthday without Amanda causes me to physically ache. I think about Amanda and Brandon's relationship and how he has been without that companion and friend for almost a year and I can barely hold the tears back. Our upcoming Watson Vacation, our first without Amanda, frightens me as the emotions already overwhelm me when I think of it. When I look at the crepe myrtles blooming that were planted in her memory, I think of how wrong this all is. This is not how it is supposed to be. I should be excited about a new school year approaching and Amanda entering the School of Logic with her classmates....and yet instead, Tom, Brandon and I are thinking how we will mark the passing of our first year without our Amanda.
The pain pours out of me in sobs of grief and I wonder how can I go through a lifetime like this? Will the pain of missing her touch, her voice, her tears and her laughter ever ease? Will I ever stop regretting all the things that I am missing out on in our mother/daughter relationship that ended too soon? I asked Tom today, "How do parents survive this without knowing God?" His reply - "Without hope? I don't know." Hope. And that is when the reminder hit me. That is where my focus should stay. I clung to hope the entire 17 months, and then when we found out that this wicked disease was going to take her life - I never gave up hope that my God could heal her if He chose. When God called her home my hope then changed from us beating cancer to knowing - without a doubt and with a rock solid certainty - that I will see her again one day. And that gives me hope.
I found myself listening to Amanda's memorial service earlier today. Pastor Dan said this in his message, "I thought about hope and how hope endures. That means that as Christians, we always have a future. And those who might say that they regret that Amanda didn't get to live out her life, listen, Amanda has an eternal future in Jesus Christ that shall never end. You have to be able to look at things that are not seen to fully grasp and understand that." (Sounds like a reminder I needed to hear!)
So while today has been a day of many, many tears; mingled in those tears were smiles and laughter as I remembered my sweet girl. Winding down today and preparing to sleep, I am exhausted from a long day, but I am ready for tomorrow - for it is filled with the promises of His new mercies.
From July 12, 2014. Coincidence? I think not.
Yesterday, I pretty much put it out there how much I have been hurting and struggling during these past two weeks. And typical of the roller coaster of my emotions, some days are much easier than others. However, I left something out last night. And it is so incredibly important at this stage of our battle.
Hope.
Oh yes - I still have it and I'm not letting go. HOPE. It's still there even though we are facing a very formidable enemy. The God of the universe, the one who created every cell in our body and had the incredible imagination to create the beauty of the world we live in, has the ability to completely cure my daughter's cancer; or bring along another treatment that is successful in slowing or stalling the tumor. If it is His will for her life. If it is for His glory. That is what anchors me on those days of total messiness and tears. And here is the part that really gets crazy - even if He chooses not to do either one of those things - we will still give Him glory. Because I have complete faith and trust in His sovereignty.
While I may struggle at times to put joy and suffering in the same sentence, I firmly believe what Team Watson is walking through right now is so that the works of God might be displayed in our lives. And while we don't exactly know what that looks like tomorrow, next month or next year, His grace is enough, no matter what.
Great Is Thy Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
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