Part Two of My Wrecked Plans

(Ugh.  I started this blog weeks ago, and am just now sitting down to complete it. And even though it is long, (again)  I must admit, I needed to read it!  This past week has been hard, so reading something that I wrote that goes against what I'm feeling is a bit humbling. I love God's sense of humor....kind of like - "My child, have you already forgotten what you wrote only a short time ago?"  Because of that, there may be some points added in italics that jumped out at me as I re-read the post and completed it.)

Wrapping up my time at the IF:Austin conference was a bit like leaving summer church camp - only better.  This isn't that emotional high that I would feel every summer after leaving camp and then crash back into life after just a few days.  I'd like to think I am a different person now, stronger in my faith and even more dependent on God's grace to get me through each step, each breath, each day.  I do believe I am stronger, but old patterns are easy to fall back into....fear, panic and control to name just a few.

As woman after woman stepped up to speak and share, the overall message from the weekend continued to pour over me.  Time to stop spinning my wheels, time to start stepping forward, even if they are baby steps.  And I have found in the weeks since the conference, those baby steps are hard.

Christine Caine spoke over Joshua 1:1-9.  This is a very familiar scripture for me - verse 9:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

"At the threshold of any transformation in our life the enemy will send a spirit of fear.  This isn't about you.  Get ready! God has put purpose, potential and destiny in you but it's to do good works for the Kingdom.  Performance isn't what prepares you for battle.  Service is.  Your serving is what prepares you for what God prepared for you.  God sets every member in place.  If He has assigned you, He will find you." ~ Christine Caine

Now if you have read Part One, you will understand why this hits me right between the eyes.  These are the attacks that come out of nowhere and really hit where I'm weak.  Things like the spirit of fear and panic, wondering about my own worth or if I really have anything to offer.  Those are wicked and effective weapons that are used to make me useless and ineffective.  So I choose to fight with scripture:

2 Timothy 1:7: For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

I am clinging to the hope that God will continue our journey by allowing me to share Amanda's story - His story - in whatever capacity He allows.  I'm ready for that.  We've been through too much and seen the mighty work of God up close and personal to be sitting on the sidelines....I want to be on the front lines.

 Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam

    and the mountains quake with their surging.

 

Bianca Olthoff was one of the last speakers and man, do I enjoy hearing her speak - girl brings it. Here were a few points that jumped out at me as she spoke on Joshua 6, the story of the fall of Jericho. (Recap: Joshua and his army marched around the fortified city of Jericho once a day for seven days.  On the seventh day, the priests blew the trumpets, the army shouted and the walls of Jericho crumbled. )

• Impossible situations are not intimidating to God.  
• God is going to prepare me for what He has prepared for me.

This story of Jericho is a beautiful image of victory through obedience.  I am sure it sounded crazy to the Israelites, yet in obedience, Joshua and his army marched around the city.  Once a day.  For seven days.  How many times have we felt the call of obedience, yet it seems like nothing is happening - like we are merely walking in circles? (raising my hand here)  We may know deep in our hearts that we are trying our best to do what we feel called to do, yet we see no change.   Here's the thing....all that we are called to be is obedient and look to the things that are unseen, not the things seen.   I think Bianca even addressed that by saying something like, "It is not what you see but what God promises." Amen!

2 Corinthians 4:18
As we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

And even though we may not see the results of our obedience, the blessings are still there.  I will never fully see the results of this blog.  Not with my own eyes.  Not this side of heaven.  For all I know, I could be writing this and no one reads it.  Believe me, I often deal with the doubts and questions of "Is this even worth it any more?".....but at this moment, I feel I am being obedient and following God's call for me to openly and honestly continue to share our story.  Still.  Even though I no longer write with the original purpose of this blog, to update you on how Amanda is feeling, or what we have been up to, I'm still writing. Through being obedient,  He is being glorified no matter who is or isn't reading this.  I want to be able to stand before God in judgment and say I was obedient, even when things don't make sense, even in the heartache and the trials.

The weekend ended with Joshua 4:21-24:

He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their parents, ‘What do these stones mean?’ Tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’ For the Lord your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The Lord your God did to the Jordan what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God.”

At Grace Academy, at the end of each school year, we have a Rock Ceremony.  Well, our Rock Ceremony at the conference was a little different in that we wrote on our rocks what God was calling us to and then placed them in a box.  All 2000 women in attendance placed their rocks in a single box.  Awesome.

For me, it was "Surrender."   Surrendering each day to God's plan for what He has planned for me and not trying to control the outcome of my day; surrendering the daily battle of wanting what I can't have; daily surrendering the overwhelming feeling of missing Amanda with every ounce of my being and knowing that God is enough; surrendering the panic, pain and heartache to God when it hits me and surrendering the unknown of my future to God.  I can surrender all that without a doubt because He knows best for me.  This is a daily battle, and I will confess I feel have been losing lately more than winning. 

Thankful for His mercies and grace that are new each day. 

And clinging the to the beautiful promise that I will see Amanda again.

2 Peter 3:8
But forget not this one thing, beloved, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.