Spring Break 2015

Another first. Spring break.

Painful, and at times sad, but it has also been full of joy and laughter. The way the emotions can tumble together is pretty impressive. And ugly.

The night before we left, I was looking for a charging chord and started digging in my nightstand and came across a stack of cards and notes. 

As you can imagine, seeing her handwriting, reading these words along with all the cards they have given me over the years was an emotional hit I wasn't expecting. Sweet, precious and beautiful, those words caused many tears and sadness along with smiles of joy and remembrance.  Sleep didn't come until the early hours of the next morning. Knowing we had to be up and gone as early as possible didn't help me any and set a sorrowful tune for the next day.

The mingling emotions of sadness and excitement was an exhausting edition to the 10 hour drive that started our Spring Break.  Couple that with Tom coming off of a string of rough shifts and not feeling well, our week started off a bit on the rough side. 

As we drove across Texas, with hours and hours to think, I couldn't help but circling back to the fact and all my mind could focus on was the simple fact that I just want her back. I want her sweetness, her cuddles and kisses, her joy and silliness, her ability to have compassion for others, her temper, her faith, her fear and her love.  Those things are irreplaceable.  I cling tightly to those memories, praying and begging God not to let the memories fade.  And it is letters like those above and the photo below that assure me they won't.

She is so beautiful.

One of my favorite things to do when I am fighting grief is to recall memories. In the eleven years we had her, there are many to choose from. Sometimes they bring on more tears, sometimes they bring a smile to my face and sometimes they bring both. 

That was my day on Monday. Texas is a BIG state and with Tom not feeling well, as I drove, I had lots of time for thinking on the drive to Ruidoso. 

We are vacationing with our friends, the Moores, and have been looking forward to the adventures that awaited us.

Our first two days were spent skiing. The first day I did pretty good. Being only my second time, I accomplished my goals that first day and was looking forward to day number two.  Brandon picked it up quickly as well, remembering what he learned over Christmas break. 

We were excited to start day two and conquer the slopes.  After a few practice runs, we were ready to try the blue slopes. After a beautiful trip to the top of the mountain in gondola, off we went......and down I went. Over and over and over. I am not exaggerating. I couldn't ski down the blues for anything. I blame it on the snow, but whatever my issues were, I simply could not stay up, ask Tom. I tumbled, fell, slid, rolled, and crashed my way all...down.....the......entire.......slope. I skied down the mountain twice because I refused to admit defeat after the first disastrous attempt, but after my second run with the same outcome, I just wanted to get off the mountain. 

My goal for the week was for all of us to ski without getting hurt.  Even with all my fantastic and impressive falls, I wasn't seriously injured and that in itself was an answered prayer. And honestly a surprise. It is amazing that I could fall that many times and not have anything more than an extremely sore and bruised body.  

Tom and Brandon had a good time skiing, even on the second day when I wasn't on my rear.  Thankfully, Michael and Brian Moore were around to continue to ski with Brandon while Tom got to stay back with me, picking me up after every fall.  It looks like Brandon has surpassed me in skiing.  I still intend to go again and try to improve my skills.

Throughout the time on the mountain, my mind was never far from Amanda.  Her love of the outdoors, God's creation, was always coming to mind.  The beautiful snow, the pine trees, the small rippling stream that ran down the mountain were constant reminders of my girl. 

Amanda loved the day in Montana when she was taken up the ski lift in a special chair and skied down the mountain with an instructor controlling the chair behind her.  She went down several times because she enjoyed it so much.  I thought of that often as I skied. (More like as I was tumbling and rolling down the hill.)

So as we finish up our week with plenty of time for new adventures, I will continue to look for joy....all the while still missing my girl.  It is a good thing for me to remember our time last year at the beach. together as a family, and holding fast to the blessing of being a mom to our two beautiful children.

 Pictures from our week thus far:

Quite the welcoming committee...

 On to skiing!

It was pretty cool how at the base of the mountain it was clear, but the higher we went, the foggier it got..

Katelyn and I attacking the slopes.

Always four.

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.