Your life as you know it gets turned upside down, shatters, yet the world keeps going and somehow, so must you. You pass by people and they have no idea of the grief or pain that you are carrying with you.
Grief is not something that you always see on the outside. It is often a heaviness that you carry on the inside. Whether you learn to put it on a shelf and complete your task or it hangs heavy over you like a cloak - it is ever present and demands and drains your energy. At times you don't feel like you have anything left to give. Over and over I'm told it will get easier, the pain will lessen and the joy will come quicker. I look forward to that day. For now, I hold tight to those moments of joy and laughter, but I allow myself to grieve as I need to.
Psalm 18:1-2
I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
As we approach the six month mark, I can't help but look back to a year ago, close my eyes and transport myself back to those days that we were fighting the battle and we thought we were winning.
A few comments from the blog last year:
Feb. 2:
So as we complete cycle eight, we now have only four more cycles to go. I am still just in awe over this week's MRI results. What an amazing answer to prayer! As I mentioned in my last post, I still feel like we are in the trenches, and with how Amanda is currently feeling, today is a great example of that. It is a stark reminder that we are still living through the process.
That's okay though. It's hard to put into words, but it is almost like there is a weight that has lifted. We will, however, continue to live as we have been the past eleven months. We will continue to trust that God is sovereign and His way is best. We will enjoy and fully live in each moment, not taking anything for granted. Through every step in our journey, we will continue to try to live our lives to glorify God. Please keep the prayers coming!
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| Doing a little "YMCA" to help warm up.....and exercise at the same time. :) |
Feb. 5:
While I know that we have not quiet reached our mountaintop, we have come so far and seen God do so much both in and through Amanda's life. My prayer continues to be that we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg of what He has in store for her.
1 Chronicles 29:11
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.
It surprises me that I still find myself thinking that this can't be real....my girl can't really be gone. Some days are more of a battle than others. I have to admit in a strange way that I find comfort in that. I find comfort knowing that when I push against the mercies of God and I'm hurting, He simply draws me closer to Him. He doesn't mind my brokenness.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” God's grace and hope pours out on me daily as I continue to walk this unknown and painful path before us. I strive to find joy in each day. It never ceases to humble me beyond words how God provides exactly what I need for each moment and yet, at the same time, He is using this pain for His glory.
2 Corinthians 4:7-9
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.
Even though I've shared this before, it is something that I need to constantly be reminded of:
this pain has meaning...
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
"That is what I mean by saying every moment of your affliction is meaningful. It has meaning. It is doing something. Causing something. Bringing about something glorious. You can’t see this. The world can’t see this. They think, and you are tempted to think, this suffering is meaningless. It’s not doing anything good. I can’t see any good coming out of this. That’s what you feel if you focus on the seen.
To which Paul responds, look to the things that are unseen. The promise of God. Nothing in your pain is meaningless. It is all preparing. Working something. Producing something — a weight of glory, a special glory for you. Just for you because of that pain."~John Piper
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