My mind started putting together pieces from this time last year and the year before and once again, the reality Amanda's death sucker punched me. How can it be that we are approaching the two year mark of her being diagnosed with brain cancer?
Not only that, but how can it be that just one year ago we thought we had the cancer beat? We had received amazing news with her latest MRI, registered her for fifth grade and I was actually allowing myself to start to look beyond each day and plan.
Two years. Two years of ups and downs, prayers and praises, joy and tears.
Honestly, these next two weeks are going to be challenging for me. Memories of the trials and challenges, our hopes and fears, all began in late February. With Tom's schedule, we have learned that dates are simply days on the calendar. It is not the date that is important, but the day. My mind knows that, but this time of year will always be burned in my memory and the dates will be there, making an impact.
Here is a recap from last year, February 23, 2014:
I told Amanda last week that her life may be known by her experience with cancer, but her life will not be defined by it. Thank you for bringing that statement to life by the way you have blessed our family in so many ways. We have experienced much and been blessed even more.
So as I look back and praise God at how far we have come, I hope that you can see that our blog has become a prayer journal. We asked, and I will admit at times I begged, God to answer our prayers, and through his mercy, he did. May God receive all the glory.
In those weeks that lead up to our decision to take Amanda to Dell, it was amazing at how quickly we saw the physical changes on her left side.
So in case you see more tears than usual, please know that I am doing okay.
What a journey we have been on and what a journey we still have before us.
Sovereign Over Us by Michael W. Smith
You are working in our waiting
Your plans are still to prosper
You are wisdom unimagined
You're the lifter of the lowly
Your plans are still to prosper
Even what the enemy means for evil
Your plans are still to prosper
You're faithful forever
2014
She wanted to own a ranch, be a small and large animal vet and a barrel racer....
Two years. Two years of ups and downs, prayers and praises, joy and tears.
Honestly, these next two weeks are going to be challenging for me. Memories of the trials and challenges, our hopes and fears, all began in late February. With Tom's schedule, we have learned that dates are simply days on the calendar. It is not the date that is important, but the day. My mind knows that, but this time of year will always be burned in my memory and the dates will be there, making an impact.
Here is a recap from last year, February 23, 2014:
I told Amanda last week that her life may be known by her experience with cancer, but her life will not be defined by it. Thank you for bringing that statement to life by the way you have blessed our family in so many ways. We have experienced much and been blessed even more.
So as I look back and praise God at how far we have come, I hope that you can see that our blog has become a prayer journal. We asked, and I will admit at times I begged, God to answer our prayers, and through his mercy, he did. May God receive all the glory.
In those weeks that lead up to our decision to take Amanda to Dell, it was amazing at how quickly we saw the physical changes on her left side.
- In early to mid February, Amanda's walk started changing. She was swinging her left leg out when she walked and then later she started carrying her left arm at an angle.
- One Friday, Thomas went on a field trip and spent the day observing her and he knew something wasn't right. I made an appointment with our family doctor for that next Monday, February 25.
- On Saturday, she was practicing her piano and had trouble playing her bass clef chords because her left hand wasn't strong enough to make the stretch to play them.
- Monday, we saw our family physician. Blood tests came back good, but there was a definite weakness on her left side. We scheduled an appointment to see a neurologist, but the first available was in April. Our doctor was on the phone Tuesday trying to get us in as soon as possible.
- Tuesday, Tom was at work. Amanda tripped and fell numerous times at school that day. Tom and I, with our doctor's encouragement, made the decision to take her to Dell the next morning when Thomas came home. That evening, as the kids and I walked out of a restaurant, she was holding a soda bottle in her left hand and said that it was too heavy for her to hold and she was about to drop it.
- By the time she woke up Wednesday morning, she could not use her left arm. When we arrived at Dell Children's Hospital Emergency Room in Austin, we were back in a room within ten minutes, saw a doctor who then immediately went to speak to a neurologist. The day was long and Amanda went through many exams - "touch your nose then touch my finger," "raise your arms" and "squeeze my fingers." After an early afternoon attempt to do an MRI while awake (she couldn't sit still in noisy machine for two hours!), a little after 6:00 p.m. she was taken back for an MRI with sedation. It was late that night that we were told we were being admitted. That is when we learned she had a mass at the base of her brain and would most likely require surgery the next day.
Written Feb 28, 2013 9:03pm
Last night, we found out that the MRI showed a mass at
the base of her brain and that it would most likely require surgery.
After a sleepless night, we began a long day two. While it started with
us thinking we would possibly send her to surgery, we learned that
would not happen today, but was still a possibility. We met with the
team that would be working with Amanda and reviewed the MRI. While
there are several options of how to treat the tumor, the best option at
this point is to go in and see if it can all be removed, or if only a
portion should be removed to determine exactly what we are dealing
with. Once they have tissue samples, they will send it off to
Pathology, but that will take a few days (next week) before we find out
anything solid in regards to exactly what we are dealing with. So we
are looking to tomorrow with hopes for a miracle - that God would pour
out his mercy upon Amanda and that she will be healed. Her recovery
will be swift and that through each day, He will be glorified by our
lives. Thank you for your prayers tomorrow for both the medical team
and for our family.
I also said this last year:
So as we enter this week, I know that I will be reliving those days and moments leading up to her hospital stay and all that followed; not because I am consumed by the past, but rather because I am overwhelmed by the goodness and love of our God. Amanda's life is a living testimony and I am so honored to be a small part of it.
And that is still true today. Even though I find myself typing this two years from her initial diagnosis with her no longer here with us, she continues to inspire and touch lives. God is still good. God answered prayers and has been merciful and gracious to our family. And He affirmed our faith the day she died by allowing her to see and share a glimpse of Heaven with us. She was comforting us.
Through these two years our family's faith has grown. God is more real to me now than ever before. God has allowed us to use our trials in ways that I never dreamed possible. This is not a place that I would have ever dreamed we would be in. But I do know this without a doubt: there is hope in the heartache and purpose in the pain. And we will always give God the glory for her life and any impact she made during her almost 11 years on this earth.
I also said this last year:
So as we enter this week, I know that I will be reliving those days and moments leading up to her hospital stay and all that followed; not because I am consumed by the past, but rather because I am overwhelmed by the goodness and love of our God. Amanda's life is a living testimony and I am so honored to be a small part of it.
And that is still true today. Even though I find myself typing this two years from her initial diagnosis with her no longer here with us, she continues to inspire and touch lives. God is still good. God answered prayers and has been merciful and gracious to our family. And He affirmed our faith the day she died by allowing her to see and share a glimpse of Heaven with us. She was comforting us.
Through these two years our family's faith has grown. God is more real to me now than ever before. God has allowed us to use our trials in ways that I never dreamed possible. This is not a place that I would have ever dreamed we would be in. But I do know this without a doubt: there is hope in the heartache and purpose in the pain. And we will always give God the glory for her life and any impact she made during her almost 11 years on this earth.
While I feel that this past month God has really clarified certain areas of my life, which I promise I will share in the next few days, the grief that I find myself facing can't be ignored. (I believe "wrecked my plans" is how I described it) I can't bypass it, I can't stuff it away or ignore it and I can't pretend like it's not there. She is worth every tear and heartache that her absence causes. I will walk through it, but praise God, I do not walk it alone.
Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
So in case you see more tears than usual, please know that I am doing okay.
What a journey we have been on and what a journey we still have before us.
Sovereign Over Us by Michael W. Smith
There is strength within the sorrow
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting
You're sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding
You're teaching us to trust
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
You are wisdom unimagined
Who could understand Your ways
Reigning high above the Heavens
Reaching down in endless grace
You're the lifter of the lowly
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me
And Your promises are my delight
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good and for Your glory
Even in the valley, You are faithful
You're working for our good
You're working for our good and for Your glory
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
.JPG) |
| 2013 |
She wanted to own a ranch, be a small and large animal vet and a barrel racer....
 |
| Thanks to the Lisa Nichols and her family, Amanda had an evening of running barrels at Ribbit Ranch. (Trotting barrels is more accurate. She loved it!) (And I LOVE this picture!) |
Proverbs 16:3
Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.
Praise God that you are her mother. Strength to share your special jouney is a gift . May we be able to walk thru grief and still see God shining in all his glory. My prayer that you remain steadfast and able to recognize the blessing of having your name written on the palm of God's Hand. Miriam
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