Team Watson: Part one of my Wrecked Plans..

I've mentioned it and put it off for so long, I'm afraid that either you are going to be let down from today's post, or think that I need to redefine my definition of "wrecking my plans." But here goes. Grab a cup of coffee and get comfy, it's long!

Earlier this month I attended a women's conference in Austin and I shared that I came face to face with God's purpose and plan for my life and that it is much simpler than I have been making it.

As a side note, let me start by saying I love women's ministry.  That love began when we were still at Lawler and I started leading a ladies bible study. Something about being in front of a room of women, each with our own story and gifts, but all of coming together to learn more about ourselves and God's word just touches me. I also like speaking in front of people so I enjoyed that ministry tremendously.

Okay, so back to my weekend.....

Over the 17 months Amanda battled cancer, we shared her story on this blog and we will never know this side of heaven the full impact it has had. It has been, in itself, a wonderful outlet for me. I have learned that not only can I write, but that it is amazing therapy for me. I share it all: the messy, the painful, the lows and highs, the joys and triumphs. And through it all, I share my faith and how God has carried me through it all.

During those 17 months, I also knew that God was going to use Amanda's story in a ministry setting - somehow, someway. Whether by book or speaking, I was confident that God would open doors and I knew the possibilities were endless of how God could use our story. I also knew in His time, He would make it happen.

When I went back to work, it took my mind off of pursuing any type of ministry other than showing people that you can get up and get through each day, putting one foot in front of the other in the midst of life's storms. God is good and life is messy.

Not long after, a few things happened that made me excited and I started thinking that it was possibly time to begin sharing Amanda's story in a variety of settings. Don't tell anyone, but I even wrote a book proposal and sent it off.

Then things stalled and I heard nothing for months. The IF conference was, in my mind, the ability to connect with other women and I was hopeful it would somehow help spark this new journey in ministry.   We sat front and center that weekend, and I soaked up the worship like a sponge. I LOVE worshiping through music and I emptied myself of everything else but focusing on what God might have in store for me and completely drowning myself in His presence. Not surprising, God had other lessons for me to learn that weekend that had nothing to do with starting a new ministry.   Instead, it was all about what my purpose at this moment should be about.

Session one with Jennie Allen was "A Call to Believe." We started in Numbers 13:27. (Quick recap, this is the story in Numbers where Moses sends 12 spies into Canaan, the land that God has promised to the people of Israel, the Promised Land. They were to see whether the people were strong or weak, few or many and whether the land was good or bad.) Numbers 13:27: They gave Moses this account: “We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit." The fruit they are talking about was mentioned in verses 23 and 24: "When they reached the Valley of Eshcol,they cut off a branch bearing a single cluster of grapes. Two of them carried it on a pole between them, along with some pomegranates and figs. That place was called the Valley of Eshcol because of the cluster of grapes the Israelites cut off there."

Umm, excuse me? We started with a scripture passage stating there are grapes in the Promised Land. The connection between that and what Amanda shared with us the day she died left me breathless. As she was leaving this sinful, painful earth and going to our promised land in Heaven - she told us she saw grapes everywhere. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't believe that was how the conference was starting. Breathless and heart racing, I knew this was going to be an amazing weekend. I also realized it would be full of dealing with painful loss and hopeful promises. In other words.....messy.

Jennie said "This story is not about us" and once again, I found myself humbled beyond belief. This whole worrying and stressing about how, when and if the "sharing of our story" would happen had me all wound up. I had been letting myself get wrapped up in it and it had started to consume me. I was anxious to share Amanda's story but didn't know where to begin. Her life, from the moment she was conceived, was specifically made for this journey, and oh, how much He taught us in her eleven years.   The lessons, the comfort, the grief and grace - it is so rich and full of God's truth, how could we NOT share what we have experienced? But here is the thing - Her life is HIS story.

And just like that, the weighted cloak of expectation and anxiety I had begun putting on myself each day was lifted as the reality hit me that I needed to let go and surrender. This story is not about us, it's about Him.

"The story of faith destroys the story of sight." Jennie Allen

Jennie's talk was just the beginning. So many amazing women stood on that stage and shared from the word of God and each one was adamant that this was not about them, but all about God and His plan and purpose for our generation. I loved that.

Over those two days, I had an amazing, refreshing, honest time with God. No limits, no expectations, no boundaries. I shared my story with strangers from all over this country as we sat at the table and answered provided questions regarding our lives and our faith. I cried until I thought I might flood the place, and I rejoiced until I thought that my heart would burst. I raised my hands in praise and worship and got on my knees in prayer and repentance.

I walked away from that weekend with a fresh purpose and outlook. First, God wants me to be the best mom and wife that I can be to my two "boys." We only have Brandon for five more years, Lord willing, and that time will fly by. I need to be the mom and wife God has called me to be. Second, I need to be the best employee that I can be at Grace. Easier said than done for me (breakdowns and tears are almost daily events). I am incredibly blessed to be working in the middle of amazing people who surround me (both literally and figuratively!) with love and support as we walk this painful path of grief - God has placed me there for a purpose. And last but not least, Amanda's story is HIS story and I simply need to continue serving Him right where I am. When/if it is time to do something more, things will happen. God wants me to be obedient each day and if doors are meant to open, He will open the doors. Or, His plan could simply be for me to stay right here, in my place, and continue to walk out each day, praising Him in everything we do and touching lives of those we come in contact with.

But no matter what the journey ahead holds - I want to live a life that glorifies Him.

God's timing for that weekend was perfect. It came at a point when my heart was raw and full of pain as the past two years collide this month with heartrendingly different outcomes.

Even after all that, I still have more to tell about those two days. I met Bob and Marie Goff in a very unique and ridiculously fun way (there will be a video with that story!) and my Grace peeps will appreciate this: we ended the conference with a Rock Ceremony of sorts. Beautifully breathtaking.

So let's call this "Part One of my Wrecked Plans" 'cause there is still good stuff to unpack and share.

When you have walked through the fire and the flood and you can still claim that God is good - there is much to share.

"Faith doesn't erase doubt, insecurity or fear - it overcomes it." Jen Hatmaker