"That" moment finally hit.....

Well, it finally happened.  That moment I was dreading - the moment that I would look around and realize my girl was not at Grace with me and simply being on campus would be heartbreaking.  She was not running all over the playground laughing and shouting with her friends, playing tag or making forts, or coming up the stairs after recess with her class. She. Wasn't. There. 

It came at such an unexpected time.  I was on playground duty, and in less than five minutes it hit me and I just lost it.  As I looked around at all the children, I realized one of mine wasn't there, she was missing.  I saw Brandon shooting hoops, but Amanda wasn't playing tag with her friends or climbing on the play set, or sitting by the flower garden.......and like a tidal wave the grief crashed over me and I lost it.

As I walked back to the office with the tears flowing freely (thank goodness for big sunglasses!) it became another first for me to get through.  As I prayed for peace in that moment, for joy to outweigh the sorrow, I tried to focus on being grateful for all the days that I did have Amanda there and remember her love for Grace Academy.  Ann Voskamp once said "When stress mounts, I'll dismount it with gratitude. It's impossible to simultaneously feel stress and gratitude at the same time and I choose to give thanks at all times.  Fight feeling with feeling!"  I try to use that process as often as I can...gratitude instead of stress or sadness.

Today it didn't work.  Sometimes the hurt is so raw and strong that it simply must bleed out of my system.  Today was one of those days.  I sat at my desk, thankful for the fact that I face a wall, and just let the tears roll as I put my headphones in and listened to music while I attempted to work.   With time, I was able to gather myself and move past that moment, but what a painful sucker punch it was.

One of the songs I heard while I sat there working was by Crowder called "Come As You Are"  and part of the song says this:

Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been
Come broken-hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You're not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

It was the line, "Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal" that really spoke to me in that moment.  I just stopped what I was doing to listen to the music and let the song wash over me while I prayed that God would help me move past that moment and let it go.  It's those tough unexpected moments that hit so hard and I wonder "How am I going to live a lifetime of this?"

As I was leaving for the day, honestly it felt more like escaping, I happened to meet Amanda's class on the steps.  At first, I was ready to turn and run, my heart was not ready to handle their sweet faces......until they hollered out "Hi Mrs. Watson!" and came rushing to give me a hug.  All the girls surrounded me and they were talking at the same time as each one gave me a hug.  Then one noticed my charm bracelet.  It was Amanda's charm bracelet that we started while she was in treatment.  After she passed, I added some of my own charms to it, and as my mother in law pointed out, it has become "our" bracelet.  I love that thought - it is Amanda and my bracelet.  So with the class crowded around me, sweet Mrs. Kurtz allowed some extra time for me to show each charm and give a short description of when and why she got each one, along with identifying the charms that were mine.

What a sweet balm that was for my hurting heart.  They had no idea I was struggling or hurting, yet their joy and smiles touched me in a way that soothed my spirits.  I am so incredibly thankful for how God orchestrates moments that turn into huge blessings.   I was blessed by a class of fifth graders today in a way they may never realize.

Speaking of fifth graders, I have a blog to share in the next day or two that one of Amanda's classmates wrote about her.....but I warn you, have tissues ready before you read it.  The absolute innocence and love of a child is something that we as adults often let fall to the side and forget how powerful it can be.  If only we could love as purely and deeply as children do and hold on to their unwavering faith......

Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal....