I am so ready for a new week to start.......this is one I want behind me...

Galatians 6:2
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

This week has been an extremely challenging week for me.  The pain has been especially raw.  I had convinced myself, again, that people are going to get tired of a "woe is me" attitude and reading the same thing over and over...so I haven't shared.  How many stories of my breakdowns in the middle of a public place do you really want to hear?  Or how I use all my abilities to hold myself together before I find a private place to fall apart?  Or how exhausting grief really is....

As I was thinking about that, or more accurately arguing with myself about that as the week went on, God brought certain moments and stories to mind.  They were all over the map in regard to how they spoke to my heart.  Someone shared how our walk continues to touch them, or told me a funny story of Amanda, or my favorite this week - I was reminded that we serve a God who sees.  He sees us no matter how heartbroken or alone we may feel.  So I have made the decision (again) that even if it sounds like I am saying the same thing over and over, it doesn't matter.  I'm going to keep writing and pouring my heart out.  And while I do that, I will trust that God is all over this, and He will be glorified, no matter what.  If my honesty through my suffering helps someone else who is going through trials and tribulations find some comfort here, then praise God.  I know that we were not made to walk this path alone.

Here is some honesty that is painful to admit - my head knows that God works all things for good.  All things - even the death of my daughter.  But my heart misses her more and more each day almost to the point of desperation.  There is just no other way to explain it.  I miss her.  And it hurts.  And yet, life goes on.  It must.  I see it all around me, the hustle and bustle of life and yet, I feel like my feet are in concrete and I can't keep up. Reminds me of that line it the movie "Titanic"  where Rose and Jack are on the deck the day after he stops her from jumping off the back of the boat.  She makes this statement as she tries to explain how she feels, "I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up,"  Okay, so that is a little dramatic, but you get my point.  Life feels like it is flowing all around me, people are doing their thing, and I am standing still.  No one knows just how broken my heart is, because on the outside, I look "okay" and I am active and "living life."  And yet, even as I try to keep up with everyone, usually what happens is I fail miserably and disappoint myself. 

Grief does the most insane things to your person.  It impacts how you think, feel, react, sleep, eat, converse - everything in your life is altered in a way that you have no control over.  It takes you on a ride and you are left just hanging on.   This is going to sound strange, but despite all this pain, I find it oddly beautiful that God gave us grief.  He made us to experience these feelings and not ignore them, they are an important (though incredibly painful) part of dealing with a loss.  So even though I may feel like I am on a run away roller coaster, God has a purpose and a plan.  He knows where I'm going even when I don't.  So I will trust Him and hold on tight to see where He is taking me.

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

I think part of my challenge this week was recouping from last weekend and the schedule we had.  It was packed with moments of pain and challenges as I navigated through each new "first."  First funeral since Amanda's passing.  Tom's grandfather passed away, and while it was graveside only, it was still so very hard for me.  As we stood there and I felt myself begin to panic, God provided a beautiful distraction through my precious two year old nephew.  Jem and I took a walk.  What a blessing for me.  Sunday morning we had the awesome privilege to see one of our nieces get baptized. What a joyous occasion, and knowing that she too will one day see Amanda again hit me to the core.  Doesn't take much to make me cry these days - but that is an awesome reason to shed tears.  Praise God.  I know Amanda was rejoicing with the angels.  Despite the celebration, at times being with family makes the hole of her absence feel even bigger to me.....and it is exhausting.

We were having lunch on Sunday after the baptism at the Waco Watson home.  As we were all getting our plate and I literally took a deep breath, turned my head, and stopped myself right before I hollered out the words,  "Amanda, come fix your plate!"  The words nearly came out.  While I have no issue with that habit - it has happened often - it is the pain that follows as the realization kicks me in the face that she is gone that I hate so much.

Sunday night we went out to Lawler for Third Sunday singing.   It is a night full of  music - requested hymns from the congregation and special music by anyone that has a song to sing.  Since we were there, I couldn't be that close to her grave and not visit.  That certainly didn't make the night any easier, but it was a must.

Brandon has been working on "Though You Slay Me" by Shane and Shane on his guitar (among many others) and wanted to practice singing in front of a group, so we thought Lawler was the perfect place for his first performance.  He knocked my socks off.  That is the song that was played at the beginning of Amanda's Memorial Service and Brandon did a beautiful job.  He has definitely found an outlet in music and it has become a beautiful gift to see develop.   That night, I also sang a special.   It was the first one in over a year that I have actually practiced and prepared to sing.  The last time we were at Lawler for Third Sunday singing, Amanda was with us.  It was an emotional evening and a draining way to end the weekend.

So my week started off after a hard weekend, and it never seemed to lighten up.  But praise God, not matter how hard one day was, I woke up ready to face the next new day.  New mercies and strength to face the day - all blessings from God.

Yesterday was Tom's birthday.  Another painful first without her.  While we enjoyed the day, and  mixed up the celebration a little by doing presents mid-week, it was still an incredibly hard day without her here to celebrate her daddy.

Last year's birthday card Amanda made for Tom - her Superman.

Last year getting ready for deer season.

This was the morning she shot her first deer of the season.

As I looked back to last year's post at this time, Amanda was falling in love with ROCK, we were still homeschooling and she was feeling pretty good overall.  Though it hurts me to the very core of my being to read back and remember those times, I can't help but think of how blessed we are with the precious daughter we were given......

After sharing all that - I want you to know that there are still times and moments of joy, even if at times they seem to feel overpowered by the pain.  Lunch with amazing friends.  Zumba and laughter.  Crazy antics at the office.  Naps.  Shopping (I love it).  Fishing with my boys.  Time spent with family.  Deer hunting.  Laughter at my crazy boys.  Movie and pizza night.  Long phone calls with girlfriends.....

God still gives joy through the heartache and I am extremely grateful for that.

I take life moment by moment.  Any more than that is just too hard.

Successful hunt this morning.  First deer shot with his AR.  Proud of my boy!

Psalm 59:16

But I will sing of your strength;
    I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
    and a refuge in the day of my distress.