So hard to believe, two months today.....

Today, it has been two months since we said "see you later, alligator" to our sweet Amanda.  It seemed that while we were in treatment, the weeks between chemo would pass so quickly.  Now, life feels almost like it is in slow motion.   It feels like two years have passed without Amanda instead of only two months.

As I would often do after we passed that one year mark, I looked back at where we were at this time last year.  During this week last year, up until this point in her chemo treatment, we had been struggling with the chemo meds hitting her system very hard, causing us to stretch what should have been a four week chemo cycle to a six week cycle just so her counts would be high enough to start the next round.  This time, however, at cycle four we were able to start at the four week mark.  We were thrilled.

Starting cycle four!

And yet, the side effects of chemo were still hitting her hard:

It was a long night, both physically and emotionally, but even in times like that, we still experienced God's love as He shone through our daughter.  At one point, as Tom and I were sitting next to her, doing our best to comfort, she said, "Dad, would you please pray that I won't get sick again? I have already prayed twice, but I would like you to."  Then after the prayer, she said, "I know God is putting me through this for a reason." Oh, how indescribable it is to hear your child acknowledge God's sovereignty in a moment like that.  It is in those bright moments during the dark times that forever impact you.

After a warm bath and unfortunately a little more sickness, she finally drifted off to sleep.  I didn't sleep well after that, but instead found myself in the place of not being able to pray any words, but instead to just cry out. True to His promise in Romans 8:26, God's peace and comfort found me there.  Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

At moments like this, I find myself wanting my girl so very bad, even though I know that can't be.  She was such a fighter.  I miss her laugh.  I miss her spunky personality.  I miss her silliness - I miss everything about her.   There are no words that can be said to ease the grief, no way to make the burden and pain any lighter.  Time is the only thing that will help lessen this ache that overwhelms me.  So if you ever wonder what to say or do for me, or anyone else that is grieving, a simple hug, an "I love you and am praying for you" or even just a smile works great.  Don't worry about trying to say anything deep or theological, or even witty.  There are times that words can't pierce the depth of pain a person is feeling, but love can.  And that is the beautiful thing about love...there are so many ways to express it without saying a single word and you all have done a marvelous job of that.  You have loved us through the prayer chain, food calendars, cards and small gifts that show you care.  Those things have been more meaningful than I can say.   I also love to hear personal "Amanda" stories.  She had such a personality!

As for life in general, working each day helps me a little with giving my mind something to focus on, however, I still come home and nap every day.  Brandon is doing well.  We try to make a point to keep Amanda in conversations, if only to keep him talking about her and not holding things in.  God is gracious and Brandon is doing okay.  I asked him at what times does he miss Amanda the most, thinking he would say something like, "In the evenings," or "When I'm in the backyard." so it took my breath away when he said, "All the time."   Those two had an amazing relationship.  They had the typical brother and sister issues, but they loved each other deeply.  I realize that at times, while my heart is hurting for Amanda, it is breaking for Brandon as he is learning this new identity of being the "single" child.  He is not, nor will he ever be an only child.  As I look to the future, I know that God is going to use this in life in unspeakable ways.  I am already extremely proud of the young man of God he is today.

I ended that particular post mentioned above with a few specific prayer requests as we continued chemo that week:

• Pray that Amanda would sleep all night tonight without any incident. 
• Pray that she continues to eat and drink like she needs to. 
• Pray that Thomas and Brandon will be able to go and have a special time together this weekend without worrying too much about us girls.  All we have planned is to snuggle, watch movies and read!
• Pray that we will continue to see his miraculous healing in Amanda's life. 
• Above all, join us in praying that God will be glorified through our lives in this journey. 

I don't understand why our prayers were not answered the way we wanted them to, but then again, I'm not supposed to understand.  "I'm not called to understand, I'm just called to be obedient," as a dear friend often reminds me.   I serve a mighty, awesome God, and although I may not understand His ways, one day - maybe not this side of Heaven, I will finally be able to see the beauty of His plan for my family.  As hard as that is some days, it is the foundation of each step that I take every day. Obedience, hope, faith and trust.

And some days, that's all I feel like I can do.  Take.  One.  Step.

Tonight, I'll end this post with the last and only applicable prayer request to our family at this point, for Amanda has already experienced her miraculous healing:

Above all, join us in praying that God will be glorified through our lives in this journey.

Our journey is not over.
Amanda's story is not finished, I am confident in that.

Isaiah 26:4

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

And yes, September and Childhood Cancer Awareness month is over, but I am still enjoying the gold "blingy" background, so I'm keeping for awhile! :)