In a new routine and missing the blog.....

Being back at work with my new routine has certainly thrown me for a loop.   Even my blogging routine is off.  I find myself thinking about something I want to share, but finding the time is so challenging!  So prepare yourself for me jumping from topic to topic and maybe even some rambling.....I have so much I want to say.

Here is something that has been rolling around in my head to share because every time I casually mention it in a conversation, it always gets the most interesting responses.   I see a counselor every week.  And not just any counselor, but a counselor that is a Christian man, grounded in God's word who always redirects everything to the truth and comfort found there.  And when I say everything - I mean everything.  Which for me, who is all emotion, working at staying grounded is a beautiful thing and his guidance on how to work through the day to day grieving process has been profoundly beneficial for me.

I've learned so much about people during this season of life.  I've learned what it truly means to be the body of Christ, to be loved and supported and cared for in times of trials.  To learn what it means to stick by someone through some of the hardest times you could face and be okay with not being okay.   I've learned what not to say to people who are going through trials.  I've learned to depend on and trust in God's word - and to know that is true.  I've also realized what is is to feel like finding yourself on one side of a glass wall and the world is on the other, and they just don't know how to reach you.....

That's the thing about grieving.  Every person is SO DIFFERENT.  Even in our family.  We all are dealing with it in different ways, yet I think we all work at doing our best to honor each others differences.  I have personally learned how to interact with people who are grieving - and there are many different types of grieving that people go through - not just the loss of a child.   Suffering is suffering, and while someone's loss may not be as extreme as the loss of a child, your ability to empathize with and comfort people changes dramatically after you have traveled down that road.  I am a different person with a deeper level of compassion than I was two years ago.  God's got a purpose for that.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Now that I am not blogging daily, I miss it.  It feels like I haven't spoken to a friend in days and I can't wait to have the time to slow down and take the time to share.  I realize that for many people, pouring ones heart out like this is not their idea of coping or healing but I have found it to be incredibly therapeutic and comforting for me from day one.  So when I go long periods without posting, I can feel it.

Every day, the reality continues to soak in just a little more that Amanda is forever gone from this earth.  I am figuring out that this is a lifetime process.  That may sound strange, but the periods of numbness still appear at times, as does the intense, desperate panic of realization that she is gone.  There are days that are full of joy and laughter, and yet for right now, the sorrow is always simmering underneath. Then there are days that are a struggle from the moment I open my eyes.  Thankfully, faith always comes in.  Sometimes it takes a little while longer for it to break through the grief - but it is there.  It is a choice - believing and having faith over what I feel.  I think at times it was easier to make that choice when Amanda was in the midst of her battle with cancer, because I still had Amanda.  Now that God has called her home, and we know without a doubt that she is there, I will sometimes get caught up in my sorrow.  I do think it is very important for me to have those moments of sorrow, heartbreak, tears, utter despair and anguish.  It is almost cleansing to let myself feel those emotions.  As my counselor says - AMANDA IS WORTH IT.  But praise God, it never lasts very long.  When the desperation and pain feel suffocating, I focus on my faith and lift my eyes above the storm to see Him.  That is why it is so important to know God's word and hide it in our heart - so that we can quickly redirect our thoughts and focus on Him.

The stronger my faith; the stronger my freedom, confidence and peace in God is.  I read something the other day that said "Help me not to miss future blessings because I refuse to go to a place with you that I've never been before."  We saw that truth while in the trenches with Amanda and experienced God's overwhelming blessings because our focus was on glorifying Him in the battle.  May it continue to be so even now as our battlefield has changed.  Though there are many tears and sorrow, God can still use them to plant seeds of joy and hope for the future....if I choose to be obedient to Him.  I want nothing more than to run my race with endurance to the very end.  I've experienced life lived like that up close and personal and I don't want it any other way.

This past Friday was Crazy Hat Day at Grace.  Amanda and I attended last year's festivities and we enjoyed it tremendously.  She was looking forward to participating in this year's event, so Friday was a challenging day for me. One more first without her.  I am so thankful for the people God has in my life to surround me and support me through days that prove to be incredibly challenging. I am blessed.

Looking back, one year ago:
So here I sit, as a mom, seven months after Amanda's diagnosis, I find myself still processing where we are.  Sometimes, it feels like I start over every day with that process.  Other times, I sail smoothly along, confident in the path that lies before us even without knowing what lies ahead.   But throughout all of this, there is one thing that never changes.  In fact, there is one thing that has prepared me for something like this, the only thing that could prepare me for something like this - and that is my relationship with Christ.  James 4:6 says, "He gives greater grace."  Amen.  Every day, without His grace, I would simply fail.   It is through Him that I find the strength, the joy and the hope to start each day fresh. 

Crazy Hat Day - 2013

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.