I've been watching home videos recently. I realize that as I share those with friends and family, that will help how she is remembered - and we will rejoice in the memories that those videos trigger. Our human minds have the ability to remember things about a person to a certain extent, but when you see something played back to you - well, that's when it smacks you in the face and reminds who you are really missing. It's heartbreaking how quickly those little personality traits are forgotten. And how quickly the tears come because I miss her so stinkin' much. I miss those amazing facial expressions she would make, the sound of her voice, the way her hair would fall into her face and I would tuck it behind her ear or her adorable silliness....the ache of missing HER is so different than those times I find myself thinking our family is missing something. It's really hard to put into words - but there is a difference. And it's those moments when I remember HER that I remind myself she is still the Amanda that I love and miss. All those things about her that make her unique and special, well, she is still that same adorable person in Heaven - and I find myself being envious.....
Lately I have been dreaming about her a lot. I think it is the videos, but whatever the reason is I am thankful. Even though waking up sometimes hurts, I would much rather have those dreams and the agony of waking up than to not have them at all.
Yesterday at work I was filing. I had my music going, enjoying a cup of coffee and it was almost time for me to go home for the day. And then I get to the Ws.......and there was her file. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop the tears, my only thought was, "She should still be here. This folder is in the right place. She shouldn't be gone." The tears wouldn't stop flowing. And there was the sucker punch; it was so unexpected, yet at the same time, it shouted that I am not the only one that daily remembers her. And that was expressed over and over to me as I encountered my coworkers whom I am blessed to also call friends. Amanda is remembered and she won't ever be forgotten. It may seems like a small thing - a folder filed among the many other student files we have. For this mom, it was huge. For even in this small thing, it reminds me of how blessed I am to be at Grace. For at Grace, the people sitting around me remember her running around campus, or teaching her in class, or how she would pop her red-head in my office with a quick, "Hi Mom - gotta go!" My co-workers in the office have children in her class or Brandon's class and have watched her grow up. They have walked through the valley with me and share my tears, who continue to love me through the hard days, rejoice with me on the good ones, and they are always ready to hear her name and walk with me down memory lane. I don't take that for granted.
God is so good. He has blessed me and my family with this incredible gift called Grace Academy.
This week at school, our Kindergartners recited Psalm 100 from memory. Guess what video I came across the very next day? Amanda's Kindergarten class reciting Psalm 100. Beautiful. Heartbreaking. Joyful. Comforting. She did enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. There is nothing that could have brought me more peace, even after a day like yesterday, than the knowledge that she is standing in His presence, waiting for us to join her.
Psalm 100
A psalm. For giving grateful praise.
1 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
2 Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
2 Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
I read your writings, cry with you and remember her as a precious little girl at Lawler. I also remember as a graceful young girl at Agnes' 90th birthday party and how grateful I was you brought the kids. I remember her at Lonnie's funeral and how sad she was. I remember god sending me to the Archer Ranch and leading us to arrange her hunt. It was of God. I had never done that before nor since. I was over whelmed when I met the Archers and broke down crying and had no idea why. It was God's step to arrange an event for Amanda. I did not understand that till months later. I believe many people were used to guide Amanda home. God bless you and your family. Dian "Kiki" Barker Warden
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