Rather than dredging it all up right now, I went back over the last two years to see what we were up to.....here are a few excerpts from October 2013 and 2014:
From October 16, 2013 - we were finishing cycle four of her chemotherapy treatment:
Nights are usually the hardest. The other night, the boys were gone, Amanda had finally fallen asleep and I lay there in the dark next to her with my mind replaying moments from these past seven months. There are some wonderful, amazing memories and there are some rock bottom, heartbreaking moments. The memories were just rolling over me in the dark. No one ever expects to be told one day your child has a brain tumor - there is simply no way to prepare yourself for that kind of news. So as I lay there, I started thinking back to the days "before." As you know, I love pictures, so some that came to mind were snapshots I have taken - like the one of newborn Amanda in her carrier sitting behind me on the floor while I played the piano at Lawler or Brandon and his first day at home from the hospital. Recalling favorite memories from fishing and hunting to memories of being a stay at home mom - on and on it went, but they all led to where we are today. You hear people say how your life story prepares you for a task. I saw that clearly in my job at Grace, how God used different seasons throughout my life to help prepare me for that job. But this, well, how do you possibly prepare yourself for something like this?
So here I sit, as a mom, seven months after Amanda's diagnosis, I find myself still processing where we are. Sometimes, it feels like I start over every day with that process. Other times, I sail smoothly along, confident in the path that lies before us even without knowing what lies ahead. But throughout all of this, there is one thing that never changes. In fact, there is one thing that has prepared me for something like this, the only thing that could prepare me for something like this - and that is my relationship with Christ. James 4:6 says, "He gives greater grace." Amen. Every day, without His grace, I would simply fail. It is through Him that I find the strength, the joy and the hope to start each day fresh.
James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
Psalm 139:13 - 18
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Oh, what I wouldn't do to be back in that bed snuggling with my long-legged girl, listening to her breath, running my fingers through her hair and holding her close.
Here is some honesty that is painful to admit - my head knows that God works all things for good. All things - even the death of my daughter. But my heart misses her more and more each day almost to the point of desperation. There is just no other way to explain it. I miss her. And it hurts. And yet, life goes on. It must. I see it all around me, the hustle and bustle of life and yet, I feel like my feet are in concrete and I can't keep up. Reminds me of that line it the movie "Titanic" where Rose and Jack are on the deck the day after he stops her from jumping off the back of the boat. After that scene, she makes this statement as she tries to explain how she feels, "I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up," Okay, so that is a little dramatic, but you get my point. Life feels like it is flowing all around me, people are doing their thing, and I am standing still. No one knows just how broken my heart is, because on the outside, I look "okay" and I am active and "living life." And yet, even as I try to keep up with everyone, usually what happens is I fail miserably and disappoint myself.
Grief does the most insane things to your person. It impacts how you think, feel, react, sleep, eat, converse - everything in your life is altered in a way that you have no control over. It takes you on a ride and you are left just hanging on. This is going to sound strange, but despite all this pain, I find it oddly beautiful that God gave us grief. He made us to experience these feelings and not ignore them, they are an important (though incredibly painful) part of dealing with a loss. So even though I may feel like I am on a run away roller coaster, God has a purpose and a plan. He knows where I'm going even when I don't. So I will trust Him and hold on tight to see where He is taking me.
God still gives joy through the heartache and I am extremely grateful for that.
I take life moment by moment. Any more than that is just too hard.
Psalm 59:16
But I will sing of your strength;
I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.
And for me today - that is pretty spot on.
I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.
And for me today - that is pretty spot on.
Praying for your precious heart and that you have less brutal weekends....you are so incredibly brave and strong and I find your faith so inspirational. I want to be faithful like you are. Thank you for showing me the way.
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