What I've learned from grief....

If there are two things I have learned from blogging for almost three years is one, it is incredibly therapeutic for me and two, the body of Christ is amazing.  When you hit rock bottom, you are never alone.  And I don't mean that only God is with you - 'cause He is, but your brothers and sisters in Christ are with you in the trenches.  They are praying for you, they share your tears and try to carry your grief in the best way they know how.  If you've never gotten that real and deep with a friend, I highly recommend it.  You will see God move in ways that you might have never experienced before.

Even if you have lost a child, each story is different, each experience is unique, but we all share a bond that none of us ever wanted.  Here is the beautiful part - if we allow ourselves to be open, honest, raw and transparent with one another, we can find comfort and even a little ray of hope.  The church is not meant to be an island.  We are to build community and help each other in times of need.  No putting up walls, no hiding our hurts or our scars. That's very difficult for some.  My scars are ugly, deep and still very, very raw.  But if I don't allow myself to openly share through this outlet, I find that it only makes it worse.  I would rather be so brutally honest that someone who has never lost a child stops what they are doing to go love on their children, who are gifts from God, and be grateful their children are healthy than to not share and have parents get caught up in the game of life, staying busy rushing from one thing to the next and take their children for granted.

Just typing that makes me cry, for I would give ANYTHING to have Amanda back.  I didn't ask for this.  I do not want to be the person who causes parents to realize that life offers no promises and their children's health is not a certainty.  I don't want to be the one who causes them to hug their child just a little tighter or spend that extra few minutes listening to their animated and excited story about something that happened on the playground.  But I am that person.  And I am finally getting to the point where little by little I am learning to be okay with that.

Don't worry, I know I remind some of you of your absolute worst nightmare and there are times you just don't know what to say to me.  It's alright.  I'm still Sandy.  I am forever changed, but I am still that girl who used to laugh with you at carpool, on a field trip, on the playground, in the halls or passing by at the grocery store.  It's just that I have been through and seen heartache at a level that no one wants to experience.  The plus side?  I am closer to God for that experience.  And it is my deepest most heartfelt prayer that he will allow me to continue to share the lessons we learned; how our sweet children walked through terminal illness and how they grew closer because of it, how Thomas and I walked through it together but ultimately how God blessed us with an amazing 17 months together as a family and then we were given a glimpse into Heaven through Amanda's eyes.

We had always thanked God for our family and especially our beautiful, smart, funny and healthy children.  Then, just like that - everything changed.  Ugh.  Our thankfulness didn't change, but how we envisioned our life turning out was dramatically changed.  No one wants to be that person.  For whatever reason, God has called us to this path, so I am determined to somehow make it work so that as messy as it is, and as painful as it is, God is glorified.  Through all the tears, through all the grief, through all the joy and goodness that God still gives our family, we will live our lives worthy of the calling of the gospel.  To do that- we must be honest, thus my transparency here.  So yes, I know that reading my last blog of how emotionally difficult my weekend turned out to be was most likely painful and concerning, but it was incredibly important for me to share that, even though it wasn't in detail. It still was therapeutic and lifted the load just a little by sharing.

All things considered, I am doing well.  This is my life - for the rest of my life.  While I will forever have a hole in my heart for Amanda and grieve for the rest of my life, I have much to be thankful for.  I have one amazing, funny, smart and incredibly caring son.  My husband is a man who seeks to live his life to honor God.  He leads us with integrity and has a heart to lead us in a way that will glorify God.  Not always an easy task and I am thankful for his dedication and love.

I often ask, what now?  Well, my heart's desire is to write and speak.  I want to share these lessons our family has learned during our time living with a child having a terminal illness, not only through word, but in person.  My first and foremost job, however, is to wake up, thank God for the day and be the best mom, wife, friend and daughter of Christ that I can be.  Anything after that is extra blessings.  If God allows me my heart's desire, all glory to Him.  For now, I am incredibly grateful for this outlet and how it blesses my heart.  Even if no one else ever read it, just being able to record and chronicle our journey will one day prove to be a wonderful treasure for our family.

So this grief thing - it doesn't get easier.....it honestly feels like it gets trickier. As you move farther from the loss, you think and hope that it would get easier, but it doesn't.  But as I have said before - God made all things, including grief and joy.

So I will continue to lean into Him, into His grace and trust that His plans for my life are perfect.

Even when I feel my heart is breaking.

Psalm 40:8

I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.