Music and Ryan's testimony sharing Amanda's story

One night this week I was listening to music as I tried to fall asleep.  I started thinking about how when both of the kids were little, they would fall asleep to music. Brandon outgrew that, but Amanda never did. She loved to listen to music at night. She would listen to the recorded services from Lawler, to our friends The Cherry's, and whatever else she was in the mood for. She would stay with one CD for a week or two then change to something else.

When we were in the hospital, I would play music for her all night.  The music seemed to help calm her. That, along with Tom or me being by her side, was what she needed. That stayed true after she came home as well.  Every night we listened to music.  After cuddling with her for awhile, I would usually sit at the foot of her bed and blog.  The music would often become part of my writings. 

There is something about music that has the ability to penetrate all the junk surrounding my thoughts and clear my head.  As Amanda started chemo and was feeling worse, she would sleep in our room and we would listen to music together as she fell asleep.  I think I listen to music now so those sweet memories will stay close to the surface....

Wednesday night, my nephew Ryan gave his testimony at a community event in Florence. He also used music as a reference and how it made an impact on him.  Ryan did an amazing job, sharing how looking back he could see how God was preparing our family for what we would face with Amanda's illness.  Why don't you hear what he had say....click here to watch the video of his testimony.

She loved her cousins - she loved her RyRy.

All I could think was, "Ryan - don't trip!!" But the look of pure joy on her face still makes me laugh.

Smith cousins, 2013

Easter 2015

Tonight we took our yearly family pictures, just Tom, Brandon and I.  I've been taking our family pictures since before the kids started school.  Tonight, another year without Amanda in them was incredibly hard and the absence of her presence was painful.  Those moments are the ones that absolutely take my breath away and it hits me full on.  And I simply hurt.

There is a song called "Touch The Sky" by Hillside United  The lyrics:

What fortune lies beyond the stars
Those dazzling heights too vast to climb
I got so high to fall so far
But I found heaven as love swept low

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

What treasure waits within Your scars
This gift of freedom gold can't buy
I bought the world and sold my heart
You traded heaven to have me again

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

 

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

On my knees, surrendered, heartbroken, grieving, loving and still able to laugh; yet every day, all of me misses Amanda more than I can possibly express through mere words.,, 

This is the one life that God has given me....and I refuse to waste it.  All in.

Sometimes, I need to remind myself that it's okay to constantly hurt, but still live.

2009