“Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret” (Psalm 37:7)
What a heavy past two weeks I have had. They started off after a very rough weekend. However, the days themselves were not incredibly hard, instead they were more draining and emotional. Unexpected news upon unexpected news, counseling sessions after missing two weeks, seeing a childhood friend that lost her dad and her sharing how special their last day with him was - like dropping him off at the gates of heaven......It has been a heavy two weeks.
I've learned from those moments to let them just soak in. Take the hard hits because those unexpected emotional conversations are really better just faced head on. I take it all in and know that God will sustain and provide the strength needed. I can fall apart later when I'm in a more private place. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are and were plenty of tears shed and I have no issue with that, but some conversations require immediate strength and then they drain you and require a good cry at a later time.
As I spoke with my counselor last week, we were talking about fretting is not only not worth the energy that it drains from you (and I do plenty of fretting) but God's word tells us not to be anxious. So why do I struggle with learning those lessons? Sounds simple - take each day, one step at a time, and don't fret while you walk.
When Amanda was here and we were fighting against cancer - there was an end goal. It was something that I could see - I was fighting for her. Now, each day is a new fight. Each day holds a different hope, a different thought and a different plan. Although she is not hurting, not fighting a disease we can't seem to understand how to destroy and I know she is in Heaven.......I am the one hurting as I miss her each day. The way I handle my grief and God's plan for each day is what I try to focus on.
For the last two weeks I have felt the need to sit and write. To let my thoughts and feelings pour onto the page. To allow my mind to empty itself and put my thoughts into words on the page. Every time I try, however, I feel like I have nothing. I just hit a wall. And I have never had that happen before. Not since I started blogging in Feb. 2013 have I felt this feeling of.........nothing. I don't know what that means. I know what it means to my insides, and my head....at times I feel all tangled up in knots and miss having these "conversations." I don't, however, know what it means beyond today. All I know is I miss this......
Perhaps God is telling me that my focus needs to change, or that He has a new path for me. I'm simply not sure. What I do know is that we are simply called to be obedient with our lives each day and trust the rest to Him.
.....so much easier said than done.
Isaiah 26:3
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
2 Thessalonians 3:16
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with all of you.
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