Yesterday, I went to work late, so I slept in a little late. As I heard Tom and Brandon in the kitchen, it reminded me of all those mornings that Amanda and I stayed in bed while they got ready for the day. I would try to get up and leave the room, and Amanda would wrap those long legs around me and hug me saying, "Don't go. Stay a little longer." And I would. And as I would lay next to her, I'd watch her sleep and hold her close. I am incredibly thankful that I purposely cherished those moments wth her.
This morning I dreamed of Amanda. I dreamed we were in our bed on our sides just looking at each other. Amanda said, "I see you. I see you when you wave at me." And we smiled.
I didn't want to wake up.
As I shared that with a dear friend this morning at the office, through tears I pointed out that Amanda would be turning 12 next week. She tearfully reminded me that she is eternal, which is much better than 12. The truth of that statement made the tears flow even more. The truth is so much better than the pain; but the truth doesn't make it easier. I want her to be 12, but God meant for her to be eternal.
Last week at the office I had a beautiful drawing of Amanda a friend drew for us. As I was walking out of the office with it, two young grammar girls were walking out at the same time. One asked me if it was Amanda. I said it was. The other one asked if I was her mom. I said I was. She then looked at me and said, "I feel bad for you." Oh the honesty from a young child. I found that to be sweet and honest from a young heart. While it was painful, I loved that in her own way, she shared with me that she hurt for us.
That pretty much sums up working at Grace. Day in and day out, the love and support outweighs the painful reminders and rawness of being there.
This is the beautiful layout from our 2014-2015 Grace Academy yearbook. I'll share the article in an upcoming post.
Life goes on. There are those days where I feel I am stuck in the quicksand of grief, yet others are quickly passing me by and at times don't even realize it. Thankfully, I have days where my smile is genuine and my joy is deep. That is only possible because of my faith and knowing that God is in control.
It seems that at least once a week, I find my self at a crossroad. Do I continue blogging? What does God have in store for our family now? What am I supposed to be doing? More importantly, am I in His will?
Because that's the only place I want to be.
Romans 8:37-39
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Amanda and I took trapeze lessons the Christmas before she was diagnosed. We went with our friends Lacy and Ashton Murphy. I think Ashton did an amazing job at capturing the moment well.
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