My selfish post.....

Today is a completely selfish post.  Amanda's birthday is this coming Wednesday.  There are no words for the emotions that brings to the surface, so I'm taking a walk down memory lane....

Every night, Amanda liked to go to sleep to music.  So after she came home from the hospital we made a special CD with songs that spoke of God's love and power, of His comfort and peace, and songs that Amanda had picked out that were her current favorites at the time.

Shortly after Amanda's diagnosis, surgery, prognosis and treatment plan, we took a road trip to San Antonio to pick up what would become a blessing of fur.  At this point, we honestly were not sure if treatment would be effective nor how much time we had with Amanda.

As we made the drive, we were listening to the newest CD we had made.  One of those songs Amanda had picked to be on it was "Like My Mother Does" by Lauren Alaina from American Idol.  Amanda had been listening and singing that song for some time.  Being close to my mom, I always enjoyed hearing it as well.  I'll admit, I liked hearing Amanda sing it as well.

At one point during the drive there, that song came on.  Thankfully Amanda was sitting behind me and couldn't see me.  Generally, when Amanda rode in a car, she liked to look out the window.  Sometimes she was very talkative, but mostly she was quiet; unless a song came on she liked. Then she would sing.

As Amanda sat behind me and sang, "Like My Mother Does," I lost it.  Sobbing without letting Amanda knowing was beyond a challenge.  Tom reached over and held my hand as the tears rolled and my chest heaved.  I remember thinking, "How in the world am I going to survive this? I don't know how to live without her."  And in true Tom fashion, his quiet calmness and strength helped calm me down as I listened to my sweet daughter sing.  This is as clear in my mind as if it were yesterday - the pain, the sadness, the hurt of the unknown of what we were facing and the feeling of helplessness swirling inside me.  Then, almost like a fog settling over all those emotions, the beautiful truth and reminder that God was still in control of everything slowly enveloped me.  Honestly, that knowledge didn't ease the pain, but it was the foundation that would remain firm.  It was that foundation we would stand on over the next 17 months as our family was blessed with more time with Amanda.

So, like I said, today is my selfish post; another video of walking down memory lane with pictures and a song.

And I can still her singing.....

Like My Mother Does (click on title for video)

Amanda and that blessing of fur we picked up that day.

My how they both changed during that 17 months.