How your heart breaks when you least expect it....

I've been having some really good days. I feel like slowly I am finding my emotional footing and establishing a routine which is helpful. Plus work is busy with end of the year events and my to-do lists feel like they are getting longer, so I am also preoccupied and distracted.  While it is exhausting, it is also a good thing.

Then it happens....grief jumps out of nowhere and I fall flat on my face.  It happens in record time.

It starts with simple things:

A sweet classmate's birthday celebration during lunch on the playground that I was invited to join and was honored to be asked.....

Sharing memories over lunch with my parents. Good memories, a special time, but still hard on the heart.....

The unprepared realization that Mother's Day is this weekend.....

And the last straw was remembering that exactly one year ago this evening, we ate hamburgers on a blanket in the backyard and I got my Mother's Day gift early because the kids couldn't wait to give it to me.  To top it off, we had the exact same meal last year that we had tonight. 

Now, I promise that there was no intention to repeat or recreate that day, it simply happened. And once we realized it, the tears freely came and I couldn't stop them. 

Thomas and Brandon felt we should keep the tradition alive and go ahead and give me my gifts today. We were already crying, so why not just jump in with both feet and continue on. 

This gift completely took me by surprise.  The boys made me a Mother's Day photo book.  The cover was old Mother's Day cards from the kids from over the years and on the inside of the book were pages and pages of pictures of the kids and I. The book was divided into three sections; pictures of all three of us, then Brandon and I, and it ended with Amanda and I. 

As if that wasn't enough, Tom brought out smaller books for both Brandon and I and it was filled with pictures of Brandon and Amanda through the years.  What a treasure.

Having worked with the thousands of pictures we have from the past ten years with my various projects, I know what a heartbreaking yet rewarding project this was to work on and see completed. 

Needless to say, after today, this may end up being a "Cry Week" for me. (In the office, when I'm having a hard day, the ladies support me and declare a "Cry Day" and they share my tears.)

Amanda was doing so well a year ago. I remember thinking how blessed we were as I cherished that evening in the backyard, enjoying the picnic, living in the day and being so thankful for my sweet family. 

I never dreamed just one year later we would be without her. 

But here we are.  The reality is, once cancer entered the picture, we counted our blessings and knew the possibility was incredibly high we might lose her. God gave us the strength to handle those heartbreaking days.  He gave us clear eyes to see how blessed we were with our ability to say goodbye in those last moments and He continues to bless us as we take each new day leaning into His love and grace.

I'll never stop being amazed that I am able to say this sentence and truly mean it:

I never chose to have my child die, but I am incredibly grateful for the way God blessed us throughout those months with Amanda....we are all better for having her in our lives.

My Mother's Day Gift

Page after page of pictures of me and my beautiful children.

Brandon made this card and gave it to Amanda the week before she died.  This scripture is incredibly meaningful to our family.

And page after page of sweet pictures of Brandon and Amanda.

This is the most romantic and meaningful gift Thomas has ever given me. 

In case I don't post again before this Sunday, Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there.  May you cherish your children as the gifts from heaven that they are.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding. 

In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.