Our Christmas, Part Two

I knew this year, I needed something different. The thought that Amanda wouldn't be with us at For me, facing Christmas was too hard to think on too long.

So we did something completely different.  We went to see family in Cloudcroft, New Mexico for the week of Christmas. My mother's youngest sister, my Aunt Wilma, has a cabin there and every year she and my uncle, along with their daughter and her family, meet there for Christmas.   

My Aunt Wilma had called me before Amanda passed and gave us an open invite any time I felt like a getaway was needed. She knew there would come a time where being somewhere different would be a good thing.  So I called and took her up on that offer, and they were gracious enough to let us join their family for Christmas.

We left the day after my parent's Christmas and made the almost ten hour drive to their cabin.  We left Texas in semi-warm temps and ended the day in the snowy mountains of New Mexico. 

Monday was my birthday, and being up in the mountains with no internet or phone makes for a very quiet day.  I think it was good for me that it was and "under the radar" and in a totally different place.  While I was serenaded with a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday at breakfast, it was otherwise a "normal" day.  I do love birthdays and all the celebration that surrounds it, but this year I was dreading the day.  Thankfully, the day wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. That didn't stop the tears and me desperately missing having Amanda be a part of my day.  Having said that, I will say that it was fun when we drove to town for a quick visit, as soon as we hit cell service, my phone went crazy with texts and notifications of birthday wishes.  Thank you!

My birthday brunch last year

The week in general was spent very low key with no set schedule except games, eating, napping and movies. (Yes, having no schedule was challenging, but I made myself relax and I truly enjoyed myself.)

On Tuesday, we woke up to snow gently falling, so we took advantage of some fresh snow and made the drive to Ski Apache just outside of Ruidoso.  Brandon and I took skiing lessons that afternoon while Tom did a little skiing on his own.  Wednesday, six of us headed back for a day of skiing.  It was my first experience to snow ski and I really enjoyed it!  I am looking forward to going again soon.  All in all, I had a great time learning how to ski, watching my son improve with every run, but most of all, having fun as a family in God's beautiful creation.

Day One: Skiing lessons

Amanda would have loved the drive.  We saw several herds of wild horses!

The road to the ski resort was long and winding as we made our way up the mountain.  If you look closely, you can see the road as it snakes it's way up the mountain.

Ready for lessons!

My FIRST EVER ride on a ski lift, (I'm scared of heights!) and I end up alone.  The boys were behind me....how did that happen?!

At the end of the day, as we headed down the mountain with the snow and trees all around us, Amanda's Make A Wish trip to Montana last December came rushing back to me and I found it hard to hold it together. It's incredible how much life can change in a year.  So as the tears came, I didn't fight the memories, but let them come, and the memories were as clear as if they were yesterday.  I am incredibly thankful for that even though it is painful.

Day Two:

Tom is behind us in the lift by himself. :)

This time, we were on a three seater.  Moving up to the ski lift with the big boys.

The days ran together and time seemed to move at it's own pace in the mountains.  Before I knew it, Christmas morning arrived,  With 5 teenagers plus Brandon, it was a very different Christmas morning experience. I am not sure if this will make sense, but it didn't feel too much like Christmas, and for me this year, that was good. We did the traditional stockings and gifts, and Tom and I were even surprised by Brandon with gifts of our own!  With Amanda constantly on my mind and me thinking how wrong this was, her not being with us, I made it through Christmas day with the support of my boys and family.

Christmas night, Tom, Brandon and I went ice skating on an outdoor ice rink. It didn't take long before we were all ready to head back to the cabin.  There is only so long you can skate in a circle on ice in freezing temperatures....

Throughout the week, we were well taken care of and allowed to relax and enjoy the wonderful company of family.   Family is a blessing in so many ways, but I found that during this time of the year, being somewhere completely new; along with their love and support; the late night talks and laughs; the ability to just be me, tears and all, was a balm in itself.  Childhood memories, hilarious parenting stories and lots of laughter helped me survive the week that I had been dreading for so long.

We had plenty of furry friends to keep us company. Fiona was one of the seven (very well behaved) dogs that was there.

The day we were to leave and drive home, we woke up to almost eight inches of fresh snow with no sign of it stopping. Tom had to work the next day, and we had the Watson Christmas the following day, so we decided to take our time and make the trip home in spite of the snow.  We didn't want to take the chance of getting snowed in. (Although I wouldn't have minded a few extra days there!)

When we first woke up, we were excited to see all the new snow while everyone else was concerned with road conditions since many of the family had traveling plans that day.  What can I say? We are from central Texas.  We don't see snow like that very often! 

Our drive down the mountain...

Looking back at the week, for me it was a good decision to change things up. While I do regret not being at home on Christmas, with Amanda's memories surrounding me, I also know my own limits.  I had a good time and made wonderful  memories even though it was a difficult week.

There was joy.

These last two weeks have been extremely challenging and painful. Amanda was constantly missed and the hole left in our family from her absence has never been more evident to my heart than during Christmas.  Another painful round of firsts.  Even though the holidays are officially past, I continue to feel the lingering pain and sadness of Christmas without Amanda.
 

Every day, it seems like her death gets a little more real, life feels a little more difficult and a I am often thinking how surprised I am that this is our life.

This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever faced: learning to live in our new life while grieving the loss of our child.  I am incredibly thankful that my foundation in faith is holding firm.  The depth and strength found in my faith is what allows me to take each breath.....because that is often how I feel I live, breath by breath, step by step.  Total dependence on God.

Romans 12:12   
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18   

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

 Some pictures from last year in Montana:

 And Christmas 2013:

Waiting for breakfast.  This makes my heart melt...

Psalm 62:5-8
Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
    my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
    pour out your hearts to him,
    for God is our refuge.